All new Michael Jackson releases will be subjected to the same question – Is that really him singing? On the strength of new single, ‘Hold My Hand’, fans really should be crossing their fingers and saying “I hope to fuck it isn’t!”

Seriously. Forgetting Jackson’s turbulent personal life for a moment, Michael was a man who achieved truly great things on record. His work in the ’80s was at times, breathtaking and astonishing in depth and range.

From synth-soul, to tender ballads, right up to crazed digital rock and irresistible disco, Jackson knocked out great songs like he wasn’t even trying. And then he got lazy.

Michael Jackson is always regarded to be an explosive pop star, but often, he was equally brilliant when laid back. Look at ‘Rock With You’ for an example of how infectious he could be when taking it easy. Even tracks like ‘Human Nature’ saw an effortless MJ bowling everyone over while sounding like he was recording in his socks.

However, post-Dangerous, Jackson lost his way, creating needlessly pompous tracks like ‘Earth Song’ and the saccharine damp squibbery of ‘You Are Not Alone’, the latter, so slow and vapid that at times, it sounded like a once great performer backed by a dripping tap.

And so, when he passed away and people took stock of how good he used to be (as well as lazily wheeling out the whole ‘HE TOUCHED KIDS HURHURHUR’ jokes – seriously, Jackson’s personal life was rich in targets for jokes and you continue to focus on that?), we all knew there would be material from the vaults.

Those with an ear to the ground half-hoped that, perhaps, Jackson’s later output was blighted by ego, and really, there would be a room full of great throwaway pop ready to hit our ears. Forget all that moral chest beating – we like MJ best when he lays a great bassline on us… right?

And so, ‘Breaking News’ leaked out and echoed the Michael Jackson that always had one eye on the dancefloor. However, sadly, the first single proper from his new album ‘Hold My Hand’, featuring the entirely loathsome Akon, sees that disappointing, saccharine Michael Jackson many of us haven’t missed at all.

This isn’t the first time MJ has got the pointless Akon on board in an ultimately futile attempt to sex things up. Remember the utterly hapless revamp of the already perfect ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’?

‘Hold My Hand’, astonishingly, is worse than that. From the second the toe-curling “Akon and MJ” shout-out intro, to the spineless, wasted muscle dribble-groove that continues throughout, this new song pads along like a sick dog, destined to only touch the hearts of completely blinkered Michael Jackson devotees.

Feeble isn’t a strong enough word to describe this offering.

And you can hear it by watching the video below. Be warned though – you can listen to this thirty or forty times and you’ll still be damned if you try and remember how it went. Relative to Jackson’s career, this is one of the worst records you’re likely to hear in your lifetime.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You can’t keep a dead man down, is that the phrase we’re looking for? Oh wait, no its not, we meant to say “you can’t keep a good man down.” Depending on everyone’s personal stance on Michael Jackson, he’s either a God amongst men for looking after monkeys and other wildlife, or a deeply troubled and strange man.

Even though he’s been dead and buried for over a year, Michael Jackson fans still froth at the mouth when the same old stories are recycled.

a) Dr. Conrad Murray being accused of giving Jackson too many happy pills, b) Joe Jackson trying to cash in and c) the impending threat of brand new material. Sony Records have already bagged the rights to these from the Jackson estate, a move which has divided opinion. Will.I.Am has voiced his disgust whilst Akon has praised the move. We bet it has nothing to do with the fact he features on one of the tracks that’s being released as a single.

Now, we don’t like to make tedious connections but the single featuring Michael Jackson and Akon will have the conspiracy theorists choking for air. The track itself is called Hold My Hand and is surely a song tinged in hidden meanings that the two have been involved with.

Honestly, it only needs Gary Glitter to perform backing vocals to confirm what we think.

We’re sure that we’ll get called all sorts of misspelt names, but there is no denying that Michael Jackson has been taken to court not once, but twice to face all sorts of accusations. Either he didn’t learn from his mistakes the first time, or he’s a bit stupid, but two appearances for the same charge? It does seem odd to us.

But then again, we’re sure there’s a perfectly logical reason for this.

Akon has also been in trouble with the old fuzz about getting down and dirty with people who aren’t quite legally there yet. Back in 2007, to celebrate the success of a track with Gwen Stefani, he didn’t party in typical rapper fashion with a posse of ladies or invest in a solid gold stripper pole. Instead, he dry-humped the living soul out of an underage pastors daughters.

Silly Akon, you don’t get in to heaven that way.

Only a few months later, he then tossed off a young boy. Ok, that’s slightly exaggerated, he just tossed a boy off stage for throwing something at him, but you know what we mean.

This track sees the coming together of two individuals who like it barely legal. They’ll sing about holding hands of children whilst the mother and father of the lost tykes desperately search the frozen food section of ASDA, crying out there now.

Akon says:

“I don’t see anything disrespectful about it. These albums would have come out if [he] was alive or dead so I think this helps to keep his legacy alive.”

Yes, Akon, we’ll now never forget about Michael Jackson. The man who was so forced in to performing gigs in to London despite being having multiple medical problems.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

If you’re Austrian, then it’s time for you to get excited. The big Michael Jackson tribute concert takes place in Vienna this month!

And it’ll be awesome! Just about every musical performer on the face of the Earth drew inspiration from Michael Jackson, which is why all the biggest A-list stars have agreed to take part in the line-up. Well, OK, not all of them. But Sister Sledge are going, though. Oh, come on. Sister Sledge. From the 1970s. You remember.

No? Then how about a Lou Pearlman boyband that isn’t ‘N Sync or the Backstreet Boys? Hello? Anyone? Hello?

Remember when Michael Jackson decided to record a charity single for Hurricane Katrina? It was going to be amazing, he promised – a We Are The World-style extravaganza performed by Michael with help from legends such as Jay-Z, James Brown. Then a few weeks later it turned out that James Brown and Jay-Z hadn’t taken part and the performers actually included Shanice who did that I Love Your Smile song from 1991 and Jermaine Jackson. And then it never came out at all.

We’re just bringing that up because it seems like that pattern might be repeating itself with Jermaine Jackson’s forthcoming Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna. After the success of the Michael Jackson memorial service – which featured some of the biggest names on the planet, like Mariah Carey, Usher and Shaheen Jafargholi (who is technically one of the biggest names on the planet because there are physically quite a lot of letters in his actual name) – it looked as though the concert might have attracted the same calibre of artists.

That’s not exactly what’s happened, though. The first brace of Michael Jackson tribute concert performers has been announced and, if you ever wondered what the world’s biggest wedding reception mobile disco would be like, you’re going to be thrilled. We’ll list them for you…

Mary J Blige – Actually quite famous, if only for her alleged love of bodybuilding supplements.

Akon – A strange choice, because Michael Jackson was famous for his love of children, whereas with Akon it’s quite the opposite.

Natalie Cole - Has a lot in common with Michael Jackson, as they both released albums called Dangerous and were both once habitual drug addicts.

Sister Sledge – An obvious choice. Sister Sledge recorded He’s The Greatest Dancer, and Michael Jackson was the greatest dancer. Sister Sledge recorded Lost In Music, and Michael Jackson was lost in music. Sister Sledge recorded We Are Family, and Michael Jackson was in a family. Sister Sledge recorded Mama Never Told Me, and Michael Jackson’s mama never told him that locking himself in a bedroom with several children at a time might seem fairly suspect to the public.

US-5 – Honestly not a clue. They’re managed by a fat crook, though, if that helps.

Angela Bassett – Apparently Angela will “impersonate one part of Michael Jackson’s life.” We’ll say this now – if it isn’t the bit from Moonwalker with the giant dancing plasticine rabbit, we’re going to be very disappointed.

OK, so at the moment the Michael Jackson tribute concert line-up looks impossibly underwhelming at the moment. But we’re promised that more artists will be announced later this week, so maybe they’re saving the best for last.

And even if this is it, the prospect of a show featuring US-5 and a middle-aged woman doing a confusing Michael Jackson impersonation will still be the most exciting thing to ever happen to Austria. Seriously, have you ever been there? Jesus.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Thanks to the outrage over Chris Brown’s arrest, woman-beaters are now thinking twice about hitting girls.

So they’re hitting Suge Knight instead. Or at least that’s what it looks like. Because, you see, less than a fortnight after Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna, Suge Knight has been hospitalised after receiving facial injuries in a fight as well. Coincidence? Hardly.

Something that most people have been expecting for years on account of Suge Knight constantly coming across like the world’s most monumentally awful bellend? Actually, that’s probably a little bit closer to the truth, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you’re about to witness is a kind of perfect storm of inappropriately violent celebrity tosswhumps. Settle yourselves.

The long and the short of it is that Suge Knight – the man who was recently arrested after being spotted allegedly punching a woman in the head and then pulling a knife on her – has been hospitalised after being beaten up early on Monday morning. But get this – one of the men who apparently beat Suge Knight up identifies himself as Akon‘s business manager.

That’d be the same Akon who not so long ago flung a boy at a woman’s head on purpose. Brilliant, isn’t it? Honestly, this whole story just needs Chris Brown doing army rolls with a tie around his head and the ghost of Ike Turner firing a longbow into the sky while riding Battlecat over the top of a burning car and it’d be the most perfect celebrity-related inappropriate violence story ever realised.

But even without them it’s still pretty brilliant. MTV reports:

According the report, Scottsdale police were called to the hotel at around 3:30 a.m., after two groups reportedly exchanged heated words at a private party on the hotel’s second floor. Officers saw Knight punched in the face twice by 38-year-old Robert Carnes Jr., who later told authorities he works for Akon. Knight was being treated for face injuries at the Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn.

Not that we condone violence or anything, but we’re slightly amazed by this. Not because Akon’s business manager seems to be as much of a knuckleheaded dolt as his client, but because Suge Knight actually had to go to hospital after the attack.

Because, you know, have you seen Suge Knight? The man’s massive. He’s so gigantic that whenever he wanted to go to hospital in the past he actually had to shoot himself in the leg to make a convincing enough injury.

Still, though, Suge Knight’s predicament just goes to show that if Rihanna wants to protect herself against being the victim of any more domestic violence, getting vastly fat and growing a ridiculous Uncle Albert beard isn’t going to help as much as she probably thought it would. But she should definitely still do it, though. Definitely.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

A lesson in law: when committing a crime, try not to do it while being filmed in front of thousands of witnesses.

Otherwise you’ll end up looking a tool, just like Akon. Akon has realised that, with evidence like several YouTube videos seen by millions of people working against him, he should probably plead guilty to angrily hurling a teenage boy off a stage during a concert.

It just shows that YouTube is king prosecutor. And now Akon has pleaded guilty of harassment, YouTube can claim its next scalp. Kittens, you are all guilty… of being adorable!

Although you may think it’s the way his voice sounds like a sizzurp-addicted Crazy Frog, Akon’s real worst enemy in recent years has been YouTube. It doesn’t matter how innocent his mistakes are, like violently dry-humping the underage daughter of a Trinidadian pastor across a stage during one of his concerts or whatever, they always end up being captured on video and uploaded to YouTube.

It’s got to the point where Akon can’t even do anything that many would consider to be perfectly normal, like dragging a teenage boy onstage during one of his concerts, lifting him above his head in an obnoxious show of authority and hurling him into the audience where he’ll end up concussing a girl, without it ending up all over the internet.

Because when that happens, it just makes it so bloody hard to pretend that you didn’t do it. Not that Akon didn’t have a jolly good bash, you understand – after he was arrested for throwing Anthony C. Smith into the crowd, Akon did his best to plead not guilty despite pretty much incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

But not even Akon is stronger than the power of the internet, which is why he’s just decided to change his mind and plead guilty to what we assume is a charge of being a massive dickhead. The Poughkeepsie Journal reports:

In a matter of minutes this morning in Fishkill Town Justice Court, the controversial singer Akon pleaded guilty to second-degree harassment, a violation… [Afterwards] Smith walked up to Akon, shook the singer’s hand and said, “Thanks a lot.” Akon apologized several times to Smith, but was interrupted by the victim’s father, who said, “You threw my son off the stage.”

As punishment, Akon will escape jail but must pay a $250 and complete 65 hours of anti-gang and anti-violence community service. So at least something positive will come of this – Akon’s guilty plea might help rid the world of those awful gangs who roam around picking on innocent children and hurling them into crowds of people from a stage while being filmed on YouTube. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

More than anything, though, this has taught Akon an important lesson – if he wants to throw children into a crowd, he must only do it in the comfort of his own home away from the prying eyes of the internet. And just to make sure that nobody in these crowds is secretly filming him, he should replace them all with rows of six-foot metal spikes.

Yes, we are suggesting that Akon should start throwing children onto spikes. What of it?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

The way hecklerspray got so bad-A is by enduring hard times. For instance, in grade school we often got homework on the weekends. Also our Mom’s favorite cat never once let us cuddle it in our lap.

Now, as revenge, we stand over where Mr Whiskers is buried in the backyard and shoot bullets into the ground. We seem to do that at least monthly. In a way it’s kind of like we finally get to scratch his belly.

The reason we do things like that is because we’re hard, tough, and often find ourselves relating quite well to people who have street-cred on TV. You knew that though, right? We rap about it all the time. It’s how we vent our sour memories.

We’re just like Akon that way. He vents too – about the hard times. Except The Smoking Gun looked into it recently and found he lied and he’s probably actually a non-criminal masterminded wuss.

There’s a growing problem in the ghetto today. It’s not so much illiteracy, babies having babies or the current epidemic of nobody being able to hang on to their Wii for more than a week, rather the problem is there simply aren’t any heroes to look up to anymore.

Think about it – Diddy’s never been implicated in ever having killed anybody, Jay-Z’s going to spend his summer with rich British gentlemen-musicians and the boy-tossing Akon is only a fraction as hard as he claims to be over loud thumping rhythms. Rap has become all too safe. What do you expect from music first conceived by the United States government?

That Akon bit may be coming as a surprise to some of you – it’s because that news is only breaking now. You see, his lyrics have relied substantially on his tough guy resume. For years now he’s been finding rhymes about being in prison for 4 ½ years, running a Nicholas Cage-ish auto theft ring and contributing at least 15% of his chop shop money to a Roth IRA.

Thing is, it was all lies. As The Smoking Gun discovered:

“Akon has overdubbed his [lyrical] biography with the kind of grit and menace that he apparently believes music consumers desire from their hip-hop stars. While the performer’s rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession. That 1998 New Jersey case ended with a guilty plea, for which the singer was sentenced to three years probation. Another 1998 bust, this one in suburban Atlanta, has been seized upon by Akon and transformed into the big case that purportedly sent him to prison (thanks to his snitching cohorts) for three fight-filled years. In reality, Akon was arrested for possession of a single stolen BMW and held in the DeKalb County jail for several months before prosecutors dropped all charges against him.”

It gets worse. Apparently he also used to be a boy scout, and he was in his country’s Army, although technically those are the same thing where he’s from. He respects his elders to the point of gingerly lifting the fat rolls on his Grand Mammy’s back so he can help her wash underneath them. There isn’t a thug-bone in that man’s body. This paragraph is entirely fiction, except for the boy scout/army thing. He used to sell cookies behind enemy sandbags. It got him his Grand Raven rank. That’s what they call it in Senegal. It’s second from the boy scout-top. His Momma was so proud. Wait, no. That’s fiction too.

We just can’t seem to stop.

Read More:

Report: Akon Embellished Criminal History – Fox News

You know that video of Akon angrily picking up a teenage boy and throwing him into a screaming crowd of people during a show? Yeah, Akon says he didn't do it.

Yesterday Akon appeared at a courtroom in Fishkill, New York to enter a not guilty plea to charges of endangering a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the summer's fan-chucking incident. Pleading not guilty is a brave move for Akon because a) he was filmed doing the thing he's pleaded not guilty to and b) if he's convicted, Akon could end up spending over a year in jail. A year without Akon's blend of slightly derivative squeaky-voiced R&B music? Why, surely that's a punishment for us all.

Akon, then – genius or dickhead?

It's a tricky question, actually, because Akon is the man who invented the "woo-hoo, yee-hoo" hook for that Gwen Stefani song that you weren't able to shift from your mind for four months this year. So for that reason Akon is a genius. However, it's slightly outweighed by the 'dickhead' argument, since that includes everything else that Akon has ever done in all of his life.

Let's not forget that Akon isn't just the man who frenziedly dry-humped a 14-year-old girl in the middle of a concert once – or even the man who picked up a boy during a concert in upstate New York and threw him on top of a screaming girl's head – but he's the man who then goes and pleads not guilty to doing it. 

After he was charged with endangering a minor and second-degree harassment last week, Akon yesterday appeared in a Fishkill courtroom to enter a not guilty plea even though there's a freely-available video of Akon's fan-fling on the internet for everyone to see.

As a result of the not guilty plea, Akon was released with no bail and ordered to return to court on January 16, where he faces a maximum sentence one one year and 15 days in jail if he's convicted. Not that we're making suggestions or anything, but Akon and his legal team should probably use that time to get his story in order.

That's because Akon claims that the boy-throwing was a staged introduction to his next song – something that doesn't explain why the parents of the boy who Akon threw contacted the police, or why the girl whose head the boy landed on is suing Akon – while Akon's lawyers Benjamin Brafman and Andrea Zellan say it was all just a big misunderstanding:

"It was never Akon's intent to violate the law. This unfortunate incident was a spontaneous reaction during a live concert that Akon deeply regrets. We are confident that this matter will ultimately be resolved in a manner that does not in any way interfere with Akon's successful career."

That's probably a statement that'll come back to haunt Akon and his lawyers in the future, because we'd argue that spending a year in jail wouldn't interfere with Akon's career at all, since to our knowledge he's borderline obsessed with basing all of his music videos in jails anyway.

In fact, if Akon manages to write and record a new album by January, he'll just be able to mouth the words to his new songs into a jail CCTV camera and nobody will notice any difference. Except that Akon will be crying and covered in all sorts of cigarette burns across his face when he does it. Plus the jittery arsonist staring at him while urinating down himself and playing with a razorblade might put him off slightly, but that can probably be edited away.

Read more:

Akon Not Copping To Fan Tossing – E! Online 

Talk about political correctness gone mad – what sort of a world do we live in where you can't even pick up a 15-year-old boy during a concert and angrily fling him on top of a girl's head, like Akon did not so long ago?

Poor old squeaky-voiced R&B star Akon is in trouble over the now-classic YouTube incident involving an angry Akon, a terrified 15-year-old boy, a girl with a bump on her head and all three of Newton's laws of motion. Basically Akon picked up a boy during a concert in June, threw him into the crowd, hit a girl on the head with him and is now being charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment for it. As a result, Akon may be forced to cut back on the stage theatrics and let his songs speak for themselves in the future – something that could destroy his career forever.

Thanks to the genetic quirk that synchronises your burgeoning awareness of members of the opposite sex with the period of your life where you're at your most gangly, awkward and acne-strewn, being a teenager is a bit of a crappy deal. But there's one thing worse than being a teenager, and that's being a teenager at an Akon concert.

You see, any teenage girls who go to an Akon concert run the risk of being manically dry-humped across the stage by Akon, while any teenage boys can expect to be angrily hurled into the crowd at any given moment of time if Akon gets in a bit of a bad mood.

That's what happened back in June at least, when – during a show in Fishkill – Akon pulled a boy out of the crowd, lifted him up onto his his shoulders and threw him offstage to a chorus of horrified screams from the audience. If that wasn't enough, the boy he threw – a 15-year-old from Harriman, Orange County – landed on top of a girl named Abby Rosa, giving her a nasty case of concussion.

At the time Akon's lawyer seemed adamant that Akon had done nothing illegal, although he can't have been a particularly blinding lawyer because Akon has just been charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment for the incident; two things that we're pretty sure are actually illegal.

Now that he's been formally charged, Akon's arraignment has been scheduled for Monday – at which point we'll have a clearer understanding of exactly how much trouble he's actually in. But whatever the punishment he's given, these charges mean that Akon will have to drop some of his more spectacular plans for his next tour. And that's bad news for anyone looking forward to seeing the moment when Akon marks the climax of Smack That by firing a toddler out of a rocket launcher into the blades of a hovering helicopter. Shame.

Read more:

Akon Charged In Fan-Tossing Case – Associated Press