Akon - HecklerSpray

Listen To Michael Jackson’s Utterly Feeble New Single ‘Hold My Hand’

August 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

All new Michael Jackson releases will be subjected to the same question – Is that really him singing? On the strength of new single, ‘Hold My Hand’, fans really should be crossing their fingers and saying “I hope to fuck it isn’t!”

Seriously. Forgetting Jackson’s turbulent personal life for a moment, Michael was a man who achieved truly great things on record. His work in the ’80s was at times, breathtaking and astonishing in depth and range.

From synth-soul, to tender ballads, right up to crazed digital rock and irresistible disco, Jackson knocked out great songs like he wasn’t even trying. And then he got lazy.

Akon Doesn't Mind That His Half Baked Michael Jackson Collaboration Is Being Released

November 17th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

You can't keep a dead man down, is that the phrase we're looking for? Oh wait, no its not, we meant to say ?you can't keep a good man down.? Depending on everyone's personal stance on Michael Jackson, he's either a God amongst men for looking after monkeys and other wildlife, or a deeply troubled and strange man.

Even though he's been dead and buried for over a year, Michael Jackson fans still froth at the mouth when the same old stories are recycled.

a) Dr. Conrad Murray being accused of giving Jackson too many happy pills, b) Joe Jackson trying to cash in and c) the impending threat of brand new material. Sony Records have already bagged the rights to these from the Jackson estate, a move which has divided opinion. Will.I.Am has voiced his disgust whilst Akon has praised the move. We bet it has nothing to do with the fact he features on one of the tracks that's being released as a single.

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: Now With, Um, Sister Sledge

September 9th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re Austrian, then it’s time for you to get excited. The big Michael Jackson tribute concert takes place in Vienna this month!

And it’ll be awesome! Just about every musical performer on the face of the Earth drew inspiration from Michael Jackson, which is why all the biggest A-list stars have agreed to take part in the line-up. Well, OK, not all of them. But Sister Sledge are going, though. Oh, come on. Sister Sledge. From the 1970s. You remember.

No? Then how about a Lou Pearlman boyband that isn’t ‘N Sync or the Backstreet Boys? Hello? Anyone? Hello?

Suge Knight Attacked, Chris Brown Not A Suspect For Once

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Thanks to the outrage over Chris Brown’s arrest, woman-beaters are now thinking twice about hitting girls.

So they’re hitting Suge Knight instead. Or at least that’s what it looks like. Because, you see, less than a fortnight after Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna, Suge Knight has been hospitalised after receiving facial injuries in a fight as well. Coincidence? Hardly.

Something that most people have been expecting for years on account of Suge Knight constantly coming across like the world’s most monumentally awful bellend? Actually, that’s probably a little bit closer to the truth, yeah.

Akon Pleads Guilty To Tossing That Boy Off Onstage

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

A lesson in law: when committing a crime, try not to do it while being filmed in front of thousands of witnesses.

Otherwise you’ll end up looking a tool, just like Akon. Akon has realised that, with evidence like several YouTube videos seen by millions of people working against him, he should probably plead guilty to angrily hurling a teenage boy off a stage during a concert.

It just shows that YouTube is king prosecutor. And now Akon has pleaded guilty of harassment, YouTube can claim its next scalp. Kittens, you are all guilty… of being adorable!

Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

Akon Not No Thug, Probably Even Scared Of Wee Girls

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

The way hecklerspray got so bad-A is by enduring hard times. For instance, in grade school we often got homework on the weekends. Also our Mom’s favorite cat never once let us cuddle it in our lap.

Now, as revenge, we stand over where Mr Whiskers is buried in the backyard and shoot bullets into the ground. We seem to do that at least monthly. In a way it’s kind of like we finally get to scratch his belly.

The reason we do things like that is because we’re hard, tough, and often find ourselves relating quite well to people who have street-cred on TV. You knew that though, right? We rap about it all the time. It’s how we vent our sour memories.

We’re just like Akon that way. He vents too – about the hard times. Except The Smoking Gun looked into it recently and found he lied and he’s probably actually a non-criminal masterminded wuss.

Akon Pleads Not Guilty To That Thing He Was Filmed Doing

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know that video of Akon angrily picking up a teenage boy and throwing him into a screaming crowd of people during a show? Yeah, Akon says he didn't do it.

Yesterday Akon appeared at a courtroom in Fishkill, New York to enter a not guilty plea to charges of endangering a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the summer's fan-chucking incident. Pleading not guilty is a brave move for Akon because a) he was filmed doing the thing he's pleaded not guilty to and b) if he's convicted, Akon could end up spending over a year in jail. A year without Akon's blend of slightly derivative squeaky-voiced R&B music? Why, surely that's a punishment for us all.

Akon Charged With Tossing That Boy Off

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Talk about political correctness gone mad – what sort of a world do we live in where you can't even pick up a 15-year-old boy during a concert and angrily fling him on top of a girl's head, like Akon did not so long ago?

Poor old squeaky-voiced R&B star Akon is in trouble over the now-classic YouTube incident involving an angry Akon, a terrified 15-year-old boy, a girl with a bump on her head and all three of Newton's laws of motion. Basically Akon picked up a boy during a concert in June, threw him into the crowd, hit a girl on the head with him and is now being charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment for it. As a result, Akon may be forced to cut back on the stage theatrics and let his songs speak for themselves in the future – something that could destroy his career forever.