Agony aunt Claire Rayner has died at the age of 79. That’s sad isn’t it? Yes, it is still sad even when you consider that she gave birth to Jay Rayner, grumpy faced TV foodie. We shouldn’t joke really as he’s no doubt grieving like nobody’s business today.

Anyway, Claire Rayner – writer and broadcaster – had suffered from cancer for many years. The former nurse was reported to have told her relatives she wanted her last words to be: “Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I’ll come back and bloody haunt him.”

What a brilliant notion!

In May, she had intestinal surgery from which she failed to recover and died in hospital near her home in Harrow, north west London, on Monday.

Her husband, Des, has said:

“Right up until her death she was being consulted by both politicians and the medical profession about the best way to provide the health services the nation deserved and nothing mattered to her more than that. Her death leaves a vacancy which will not be filled.”

It’s certainly true to say that Claire Rayner was one of the few people hecklerspray actually thought was a nice person to have around the place.

Rayner was born in London and, interesting enough, was the great-niece of English comedy legend Stan Laurel. She trained as a nurse at the Royal Northern and Guy’s Hospitals in London before eventually making her way toward being an agony aunt in newspapers and making appearances on the small screen.

It seems she was well placed to give advice to those having a tough time as, through details in her autobiography, she revealed a childhood marred by physical and mental cruelty at the hands of her parents.

Rayner was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002 at the age of 71 and became a breast cancer activist in order to promote the work of the charity Cancer Research UK.

Her husband again:

“Through her work she helped hundreds of thousands of people and doubtless, by talking frankly about the importance of safe sex in the 80s when almost nobody else would discuss it, helped to save thousands of lives.

*raises glass*

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You read that right – Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio.

Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we’d like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions.

We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun.

Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is.

In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon” comes to mind.

So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.

During the billion previous times that Amy falls over and starts dribbling up pink liquid with chunks all over herself, it’s up to her father Mitch to tell the media all about it. Was it heroin, lighter fuel, crack or some twat spiking her with ecstasy that caused this latest set back or trip to the hospital?

Whatever the case, you can rely on him – kind of like the world’s worst superhero, to deliver the news.

Obviously not immune to publicity thanks to all the speeches he’s had to give on his moronic daughter’s health, he has been offered a co-host job on BBC Radio London whilst another professional twat Danny Baker buggers off for a caravan holiday.

Frankly, we weren’t amazed to learn that he was offered the job after being a guest so many times on the show. There are other reasons, which were probably that he was a) a cheap replacement, b) someone to give live updates on Amy’s health and most likely, c) a fill in while the producers go about exploiting Barry George for airtime.

Despite being literally told to bugger off from recording studios, taking drugs or touring Amy couldn’t contain her excitement about being in our faces again. A source told Heat:

“Amy has always been nifty with the advice. Although she often gets herself into pickles, she is very honest, very caring and very perceptive when it comes to dealing with other people’s problems.”

Erm…if she’s that good then we’d like to ask a few questions on her current well-being. It’s not exactly what we’d call peachy. Skeletor-like figures and the inability to walk straight isn’t exactly the look we want to see in an agony aunt-authority.

But could you imagine the sort of advice you’d get on one of her radio spots?

Caller – “Hi, I have this small pain in my arm – what should I do about it?”

Amy – “First I’d ring Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. If he didn’t answer I’d neck a bottle of painkillers to numb the pain. If that didn’t work, I’d down about half a bottle of vodka and see the GP in the morning.”

Nothing about Amy Winehouse causes us to bat an eyelid anymore. Like an old, crippled drunk in a pub we can say “we’ve heard all the tales.” When she releases a make believe autobiography telling her story of sharing an underground prison with an elf and a talking jar of strawberry jam caused from a drug hallucination – then we’ll get curious.

To be fair, anyone can get on the radio and offer advice to messed up kids and confused adults. Kelly Osbourne manages to scrape through the Sunday Surgery on Radio One most weeks. And she used to be addicted to drugs and booze too, so with Amy on the radio, she wouldn’t really be the first.

At the moment, drug stories are a bit boring. Well apart from the one Heath Ledger and Mary-Kate Olsen.