First the bad news, then the good – Lily Allen has become a little bit unemployed; but at least it means you won't be blindsided by pictures of her in her bra any more.

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it's been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be 'gutted' about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you'll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she's about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we'd like you to have. 

It's no secret that Lily Allen has three nipples, each more beautiful than the last. We're joking of course – having three nipples is disgusting and wrong and we don't know how Lily Allen can even show her face in public without fear of being ducked as a witch. 

So when lingerie company Agent Provocateur named Lily Allen as its new face in November, it was really an act of charity. "Here you are Lily," we imagine a company director telling her, "we want you to cover up your three hideous nipples with these bras. And we'll pay you, too. Anything to get you to conceal those festering abominations of nature."

And for a while it worked – Lily Allen and her new skinny figure trotted around in a range of posh bras and all was right with the world. But not now, because Agent Provocateur has decided to drop Lily Allen as its face already. MTV reports:

Lily Allen has been dropped as the face of posh underwear firm Agent Provocateur, according to reports. The Sun says the warring owners of the company have decided not to use the Smile singer in ads after disagreeing on the choice. Allen is reportedly ‘gutted’ at the move after getting into svelte shape for her new job. AP said the photos may still be used in some way but she will not be the firm’s new FACE.

Still, at least Lily Allen has some career choices left open to her. There's her new TV show Lily Allen And Some People That Are Clearly More Intelligent Than Her, where Lily interviews people in a strange series of mumbles and then cackles at whatever they say to give the impression that she knows what's going on. And, with viewing figures the way they are, that's bound to keep Lily Allen in employment for at least another fortnight. 

Our point is that it's not the end of the world to be dropped from an underwear campaign because there are plenty more fish in the sea. The three-nippled bra campaign might not have worked out, but just wait until a knicker manufacturer realises that Lily's also got 24 vaginas studded up and down the inside of her legs. They'll shit a brick.

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Lily Dropped By Underwear Firm - MTV 

Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task – if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you'll just end up intimidating your customers away.

So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.

Just what is it with the Allen family? We don't think we've ever seen a group of relatives so dementedly hell-bent on stripping off for our entertainment. Watch Shallow Grave, see Keith Allen's penis. Go and see the touring version of Equus, see Alfie Allen's penis. And now, open any glossy women's magazine and see the outline of Lily Allen's penis tucked between her legs in a nice pair of frilly undercrackers or something.

Because, ladies, it might just be time to go braless. It's a safer option than buying new underwear at the moment, that's for sure. If you go into Victoria's Secret you'll be thumped over the head with the hits of the Spice Girls and now it's been announced that if you go into Agent Provocateur you'll have more pictures of Lily Allen moping about in a bra than you'd ever fear was possible. Because Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur.

And Lily has some big shoes to fill, because previous title-holders have included Kate Moss – the world-famous supermodel whose Agent Provocateur video broke the internet – and Maggie Gyllenhaal, star of that film that made everyone secretly think that bondage was worth a try. And now it's Lily Allen, who recently dressed up in a Habitat bag for a night out, started a fight with none-more-chav Lady Sovereign and got banned from an entire continent because she's so violent. But still, at least an Agent Provocateur insider seems happy enough about it:

"They feel her natural, voluptuous curves will appeal to a lot of women."

But why Lily Allen of all people? Let's continue the Agent Provocateur quote:

"She in amazing shape – down from a size 14 to an eight – and the pictures of her are sensational."

Ah, it's because she's not as dumpy as she used to be. Good for Lily Allen – as a role model for thousands of young girls, it's important that she teaches them that nobody will ever like them unless they shed almost half their bodyweight in a unnaturally short amount of time, prompting public concerns for their health. Only then will people want to see them in their bra.

But maybe that's not the real reason why Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur – maybe it's just shrewd business sense at work. After all, however much the company paid Lily Allen for the underwear shoot, it'll be getting three nipples for the price of two, and who could reject stunning value like that?