But luckily that’s all changed now. Jude Law went to Afghanistan on a mission of peace yesterday, to call for a one-day ceasefire that would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. But only if it’s called The First Annual Ceasefire And We Love Jude Law Day and everyone is given a Jude Law mask and a badge that says ‘Jude Law Is My Hero And Also A Fairly Underrated Actor’.

That’s a lie. But while Jude Law’s Afghan peace visit might seem like an embarrassingly hopeless display of celebrity vanity, it might just work. After all, it’s a little-known fact that the Taliban universally considers Jude Law’s portrayal of a sexy robot prostitute in AI to be the pinnacle of artistic achievement in all of history. It might work after all!

We’ve always thought that Jude Law was good at three things – miraculously and naturally reversing the effects of male pattern baldness, having it off with the staff and peacefully unifying all regions of the world forever all by himself.

No, really, he is. Look at the Bosnian war – it was a tangled mess that looked set to rage on for centuries until it abruptly came to an end in 1995, just after the release of Jude Law’s little-watched joyriding Britflick Shopping. Coincidence? No? Pah, next you’ll be telling us that the 2004 expansion of North Atlantic Treaty Organisation didn’t have anything to do with I Heart Huckabees.

Anyway, now Jude Law has turned his focus onto Afghanistan. According to reports, Jude Law is pushing for September 21 to become a nationwide ‘Peace Day’ where all sides of the conflict can lay down their weapons to facilitate 24 hours of safe food deliveries and vaccinations.

Apparently this is the second year in a row that Jude Law has visited Afghanistan, after making a top-secret trip last year to help with the country’s vaccination program. It was such a top-secret visit, in fact, that nobody at all knew he was even there. Well, apart from the crew of the forthcoming documentary that Jude Law was making about it. He’s not stupid. Speaking in Kabul yesterday, Jude Law said of his last visit:

“I was hugely moved, not by the conflict that I have read so much about, but by the people’s courage and the people’s sense of hope. It seemed that they really want to make the peace day work. And they did. People recognise the day because they recognise that lives could be saved.”

According to Jude Law, this Afghanistan documentary of his is “the most important film I have been part of”. What, more important than the Alfie remake? Don’t do yourself down so much, Jude.

Actually, while it’s easy to mock Jude Law for the weird self-belief that he can bring peace to Afghanistan simply because he happens to be Jude Law, you have to admit that – theoretically at least – the Peace Day does sound like an incredibly good idea. And what does Jude Law want in return for his promotion of the cause?

Nothing more than a road named after him and a series of mile-high golden statues depicting seminal scenes from his movies that flash the world ‘hero’ in every language on Earth directly into the sky every night. The man should be applauded.

Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.

But still, Harry’s home – Yay!

After the leak, magnificently named Chief of the Defence Staff Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup, got together with the comparatively rubbish-named head of the Army Sir Richard Dannatt, and they took the decision to withdraw Prince Harry immediately. The statement said:

"This decision has been taken primarily on the basis that the worldwide media coverage of Prince Harry in Afghanistan could impact on the security of those who are deployed there, as well as the risks to him as an individual soldier."

So Prince Harry has been sent home from war because he might get killed. Just another one of the perks of being a Royal we suppose. It’s OK though, we understand, he is better than us, of that there’s no doubt. We’re all happy to restrict our own freedom so his can blossom, aren’t we? Yeah, we are. God forbid an upper class kid might die! God save the Queen. No, there’s more to it than that, we’re sure.

In exchange for not reporting Harry’s deployment, some media organisations were granted access to interview the prince in Afghanistan. The biggest shame about all this is that hecklerspray had an interview with him scheduled for half eight tomorrow morning. Now what do we do? We can’t find the tourist information anywhere, can’t find a taxi for toffee and it’s bloody hot. The heroin’s cheap as chips though. There’s a vehicle for David Dickinson if we ever saw one. What’s he up to these days?

We don’t care. What we do care about it that Prince Harry is coming home (!!!) and, according to The Sun, the young lieutenant killed up to 30 of the enemy on his frontline tour by directing at least three air strikes. And they didn’t kill him once! Harry 30, Taliban nil.

We here, the good servants of Britain that we are, would like to offer some tactical advice to the MoD in regards to winning the War on Terror. Listen up, MoD! Stop looking to Army Chief Sir Dick King Stirrups for help, and listen to what hecklerspray has to say – the UK’s best resource for celebrity news with a cruel/witty twist:

We'd hire ginger people as cannon fodder.

It is a well known fact that all ginger men look like Prince Harry; we could use them as suicide-decoys. We dress them up like Harry, tell them to speak a tad posh like Harry, and teach them that, if anyone asks, they are to pretend that Prince Charles is their father like Harry.

We then wave them off into no-mans-land – for Queen and Country, no less – where upon all the ugly, dirty, evil, smelly people of the Taliban focus their thoughts on becoming ‘the man who killed Harry’, plus all the column inches and afterlife-virgins that that’ll come with, whilst our boys – the beautiful, pure, moral, scent of lavender soldiers – take their time to pluck away the life of many an unsuspecting enemy.

There will be an impressive amount of ginger men who will be more than willing to sign up for suicide-decoy duty and take one for the team, but there will also no doubt be some dissenters. Fear not, for all you need do is open up a shop with adverts on the window for ‘Factor 75 Suncream – 50% Off! Hurry whilst stocks last!!!’ and have a team of recruiters waiting inside with large nets. One problem with this is a few non-gingers may be fooled by the sale, perhaps resourceful, global-warming fearing folk, who want to get their stocks now, because in ten years the demand for factor 75 will push prices through the roof and they’ll make a good profit. Set these people free from the ginger net men.

You will no doubt ignore us, MoD, just like Britney does. But look what’s happened to her. How would you like it if you woke up one morning and your kids were gone, all because you didn’t really understand the full extent of what you were getting yourself into, huh, MoD? She thought she was just being pop's princess, being pretty and singing to other pretty girls in pureland. But then the powers at be manipulated and abused her for their own selfish gain. Now she can’t sing pretty anymore, or even look it. She’s seen too much horror. She’s still breathing, but a part of her is dead forever.

Heed – take it.

Read more: 

Harry withdrawn from Afghanistan – BBC