Apart from the obvious benefits of tourism, there really doesn’t seem to be much point to the Royal Family. They remind hecklerspray of ghouls, hired to occupy large houses and rattle around staring at old oil paintings and eating from 200 year old plates. And that’s about it.
Of course, countries like America wish they had a royal family. They love the heritage of it all. Well, consider this Americans – The Queen is just our version of Paris Hilton. She’s wealthy for no reason and doesn’t understand how the world works.
At least Paris Hilton has the decency to live it up with purses filled with cocaine. That said, no-one wants to see the grainy sex-tape of Her Majesty and Prince Philip going at it hammer and tongues. Read More >>>
For thousands of years, Afghanistan has weathered a near-constant stream of violent invasions. Why? Because Jude Law wasn’t around to sort them all out, obviously.
But luckily that’s all changed now. Jude Law went to Afghanistan on a mission of peace yesterday, to call for a one-day ceasefire that would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. But only if it’s called The First Annual Ceasefire And We Love Jude Law Day and everyone is given a Jude Law mask and a badge that says ‘Jude Law Is My Hero And Also A Fairly Underrated Actor’.
That’s a lie. But while Jude Law’s Afghan peace visit might seem like an embarrassingly hopeless display of celebrity vanity, it might just work. After all, it’s a little-known fact that the Taliban universally considers Jude Law’s portrayal of a sexy robot prostitute in AI to be the pinnacle of artistic achievement in all of history. It might work after all!
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Our hero Prince Harry is to return home! The move follows the collapse of the news blackout deal that had been silently agreed between the MoD and newspapers and broadcasters in the UK and abroad.
Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.
But still, Harry’s home – Yay!
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