affair - HecklerSpray

Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Dull She Gets Excited By English Pharmacies

March 30th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer Released (We’re The Same Boring Temperature Now)

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!

However, this film is all about?Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.

In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.

Robert Pattinson Shoots His Own Hand And Has Sex Like A Barnyard Animal

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson? Shooting his own hand off? Surely any right-minded bullet would be too bored in his presence to actually get the gumption to pass through his doughy flesh? Alas, this is the movies where all manner of unlikely things happen!

That’s right – in new flick Cosmopolis, R-Pattz?shoots a Jesus hole in his hand, stabs someone in the eye socket and has lots of sex.

Great news if you’re able to stay awake while he’s on-screen that is.

Piano Dies Of Boredom In Robert Pattinson’s Presence

March 21st, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Kristen Stewart has reportedly bought Robert Pattinson a ?50,000 piano as a surprise. Sadly, the surprise didn’t even vaguely register on Rob’s impressively motionless, grey face. Rumour has it he’s so dull, that he hasn’t blinked in over a decade.

OK! magazine report that Kristen (Robert’s on-screen wife in Twilight) marked the couple’s three-year anniversary by splashing her cash on a top-notch piano.

Alas, music itself is said to have been found on a ledge, threatening to kill itself because the tedium of Pattinson’s company was too much to bear.

Gwyneth Paltrow Angrily Mutters About Pointless Cookbook

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

It must be terrible being Gwyneth Paltrow. Not only is your own singing career as dubious as your husband’s, but you’re also a lousy actress and pious cook. It’s like Linda McCartney never died at all.

Looking at the cookbook, Paltrow has been accused of not exactly writing it herself.

Not that anyone on this godforsaken planet actually cares one iota. Apart from Gwyneth herself of course, and a handful of sadsacks who follow the Martin-Paltrows moves to compensate for a lack of beige in their lives.

Tiger Woods Banned His Ex From Smiling Like Some Kind Of Mentalist

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Tiger Woods was really good at golf and had a computer game and all that jive? Then, he let his penis wander a little and everyone suddenly had an opinion on him? That was funny wasn’t it?

It looks like he’ll never recover from the moral outrage, which of course, is exactly what he deserves for being so appallingly talented.

Talented he may be, but mental also. According to his?former coach, Tiger (who denied the world the headline of ‘Tiger Uppercut’ by never getting into a fistfight) was so nuts that he banned his ex from smiling.

Did Whitney Houston Have A Weird Affair With Weird Jermaine Jackson? (Includes Corpses)

March 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Okay, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can say all manner of things about her private life because she’s not around to refute accusations. Naturally, we can tag other celebrities into the gossip because they’re needy for attention.

And so, what’s all this about Whitney (dead, unable to defend herself) and Jermaine Jackson (desperate to reflect in the glory of another gigantically huge superstar corpse, again) having an affair?

That’s the story swirling around at the minute and, better yet, it will annoy Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records. And Bobby Brown lives in a constant state of irritation so nothing will change there.

Robert Pattinson And Christina Ricci ‘Naked Most Of The Time’

February 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

What do you do when you have absolutely no faith in your own abilities or the films you star in? Why, you throw as much nudity at it as humanly possible! And that’s exactly what’s happening with Christina Ricci and Robert Pattinson in their new film, Bel Ami.

This, of course, is a two-pronged attack – Ricci will appeal to thirtysomethings who are under the belief that they fancy someone ‘a bit different’ while Pattinson is a banker for those wanting to milk the piggybanks of tweens who are just discovering their own genitals.

Basically, this film may fail in the box office, but it’ll flood Tumblr with a million well-lit naked .gifs. That’s how we measure success now, right?

Imagine, If You Will, Courteney Cox Getting Off With Someone

February 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving?Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s?admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Robert Pattinson States The Insultingly Obvious For Everyone!

February 8th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.? And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.? And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.? Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.? The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.? Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.