Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!

Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!

See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.

See, Steven Tyler has got engaged to longtime girlfriend Erin Brady recently and, of course, this matters a great deal to him now because he’s no longer taking drugs or drinking oceans of booze.

In short, he’s become a bit of a wimp.

And stopping by The Ellen DeGeneres Show (there’s a woman bored out of her mind with her job) the American Idol judge told the host that Erin is the lady for him. Groupies have stopped knocking on the backstage door, eh Stevie?

Why is she the one? Scarves.

“The first time I saw her…she worked for Clear Channel so she was paying the band. And I didn’t notice her and one night she had on this hair band on around her head. She looked really old fashioned… so I took her back in the room and she tied me up with it and I thought I’m marrying this girl.”

So scarves turn Steven Tyler on?

“Yes, it’s the imagery and how deep one can get into it… [and what the scarf could mean in a fantasy sex situation] I play it out.”

Just imagine Steven Tyler, all tied-up with his lad out, waiting for you to ride him. It’d be like mounting a see-saw made from raw sausage meat.

Still, at least he’s not drunk and stands a better chance of avoiding brewer’s droop. Asked what it takes for him to be sober, he admitted:

“You never know what it takes. I have program. I got all my friends that are sober now. What it is… it’s euphoric recall. You hear music and you can get so high and the curtain comes down. It’s no different then doing a bump.”

“It’s the same thing and that’s why it is so dangerous for me. I can’t get back into that world. I can stay high on stage and stay high.. I mean out here with you right now my hearts pounding. Hearing you guys [the audience] roar. This what I live for today. But you never know if it’s going to stick. I just keep with my program, wish and hope.”

Regrettably, this means  that he’s not going to stop making his awful, awful stadium rock any time soon because frankly, that’s all he’s got.

Damn.

News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.

As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.

It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.

Yes, we are loathe to report to you that 63 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has taken a “nasty fall” in the shower and has been rushed to hospital.

Little is known of his current condition but it has been suggested that the American Idol judge escaped with only a few broken teeth with doctors claiming that his injuries could have been much worse if his lips hadn’t cushioned the fall. hecklerspray is thankful that this elder statesman is due to make a full, toothy recovery.

Unfortunately, the Aerosmith representative that we didn’t speak to was unable to give us any more information on the older gentleman’s condition but did suggest that he may have to use a wheelchair as part of a publicity stunt.

Please folks. Hug a pensioner. Unless they’re off their tits on smack, obviously.

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Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.

And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.

However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.

The American Idol judge (no, we still can’t quite believe it either) has been holding up a pointless feud with those that helped him to get where he is today, and so, has swanned off to find someone else to play with.

And now, essentially saying “BOO YAA SUCKS TO BE YOU”, Tyler told the Today show that he and Depp regularly meet up to write dreadful music together.

Steven says:

“I get to write songs with Johnny Depp. I would have never done that being home (in Boston). He plays music and I call him (and say), ‘I’m coming over, we’re going to write a song together’. He’s like, ‘Yeah, come over .?.?. tell me if I’m playing ‘Seasons of Wither’ right’”

They probably do each other’s hair and make-up too.

Of course, Depp has previous. He’s played on a charity track with Oasis (the awful ‘Fade Away’ on the Help! LP in the ’90s) and was in the band, P.

You can hear them covering Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ (cue Depp fans giving it credence that they wouldn’t give a Deppless outfit) while mopping the blood from your ears.

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Aerosmith – America’s answer to Status Quo – have plodded around like a sick bull for the best part of 320 years on the rock ‘n’ roll circuit. With a mixture of stadium sized choruses, a front man who looks like a melted waxwork of a combination of WWE wrestlers and the regular soap opera of their substance abuses, they’ve somehow managed to not go away and die under a hedge.

Steven Tyler has managed to keep his toe in the celebrity pondscum by, lately, having a very open and ugly feud with his band mates, declaring himself to be “the whole rainbow”, whatever the shit that means.

And, now, he’s still hanging around like a rubber gargoyle filled with sleeping tablets and meths, sat behind a desk as one of American Idol’s judges. It’s the latter which he’d like to apologise for.

Getting someone as unhinged as Tyler on the programme is clearly a move by the show’s producers to recapture that bug-eyed mania that Sharon Osbourne brought to television all those years ago. Alas, with Tyler, you may as well hire a simian to throw fistfuls of its own faecal matter at contestants while rubbing its genitals against a tyre on a rope.

As such, American Idol has felt the need to say sorry for Tyler’s ‘outrageous behavior’, despite the fact that no-one can quite recall what he did wrong. Apart from, y’know, having a face so frightening that it could curdle water at a thousand paces.

Wednesday night’s show kicked-off with a black screen and the words:

‘American Idol would like to apologise for last week’s outrageous behavior by Steven Tyler. Mr Tyler has been warned and assures us it will never happen again.’

The show then played a clip immediately after the apology which saw Tyler asking a contestant named Jake Muck:

‘You know what Muck rhymes with, don’t you? Read my lips.’

Are we to assume that was the outrageous behaviour in question? If so, why would you then repeat the clip? It’s a bit like saying sorry for punching a nun square in the face and then turning around to everyone who missed it, saying…

‘Sorry! Sorry! I punched a nun square in the face… just like this’ THWACK! ‘Sorry. Sorry, won’t do it again… unless some of you missed it the second time ’round. For the record, her nose wasn’t broken the first time I did it. Could we get a replacement nun in here?’

Anyway, what the show should be apologising for is the renewed interest in one of America’s most pedestrian bands ever to blight the stage of an arena. And Steven Tyler’s stupid, stupid face. Apologise for that, not him mouthing the word ‘fuck’ at someone.

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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

• He was in an emo band called Fall Out Boy who got big on the back of the success of auditory assassins My Chemical Romance.
• He had/has a stupid fringe and a fondness for guyliner.
• He was once caught doing an Ashley Cole after a fan posted a picture of his tattooed tallywhacker on the internet and…
• He’s married to Ashlee Simpson, a woman so pathetic she continues to live in the shadow of America’s answer to Kerry Katona, her older sister Jessica Simpson.

That’s right, at one point in time, Pete Wentz was related by marriage to Nick Lachey.

ROCKNFUGGINROLL!

The heats Wentz will be judging are taking place in Hard Rock Cafes all over the world, because being alternative and sticking it to the man is like totally all about being a shameless corporate whore nowadays, duh!

The budding bands that Wentz will cast his three eyes over are battling it out to see who gets to take to the stage in Hyde Park, in front of literally some people, and belt out their best Aerosmith covers as bottles of piss whip past their heads and rain pours down on them from the cold, grey London skies.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t really ones for nurturing talent, we prefer to call people names and giggle amongst ourselves, but even so we can’t honestly see what would make anyone desperate enough to have Pete Wentz, a man so incredibly annoying and pointless that even Bono thinks it’s a bit much, judge their musical ability. Unless they’re still about 12 years old and think that Wentz is OMG LIKE SO TOTALLY BUFF YEH!

Anyway, congratulations Hard Rock Calling, whatever credibility you had left after changing your name to that of an overpriced theme restaurant has just evaporated.

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Do you like watching billion-year-old transvestites stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs?

You do? Well, your options have been limited lately. After Aerosmith disbanded in an orgy of chaos last year, your only two options were either to pay a bunch of billion-year-old transvestites to stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs or just to just buy a Rolling Stones concert ticket.

But fear not! Aerosmith have now reunited with Steven Tyler, and they plan to tour Europe this summer. They even made a video to announce it and everything. And if you don’t like Aerosmith, it doesn’t matter – the video also doubles as a sort of condensed Pirates Of The Caribbean movie where Johnny Depp dies and the undertaker decides to keep his body in a warm room for a decade and then dress his remains up in an absurd ladyboy outfit for a bit of a laugh.

It can’t be easy being an Aerosmith fan. At every turn you’re confronted with the possibility that they’re going to release another power ballad about Ben Affleck being blown up by an asteroid. Entire concerts are spent worrying that Steven Tyler is going to topple off another stage and put his hip out. You have to live with the fact that your favourite band look like the Fireys from Labyrinth and haven’t done a single thing of any worth since about 1987.

And then there’s not knowing whether they’ve split up or not. Six months ago, for example, it looked as though Aerosmith were done for – Steven Tyler announced that he wanted to concentrate on something called ‘Brand Tyler’, which presumably consists of dressing up like a flamboyant old lady and rarely making sense – and the band immediately splintered. Joe Perry said that Aerosmith would continue without Tyler, then Tyler joined the band onstage, then Joe Perry said that they were still splitting up, and then Steven Tyler went to rehab. It looked as if Aerosmith were done for.

But thank heavens for awkward contract-fulfilling legal obligations, that’s all we have to say. Because Steven Tyler’s lawyers reportedly threatened his bandmates with legal action unless they let him return to the band, Aerosmith have announced a brand new European tour this summer. Look – here’s a bunch of badly-made, weather-beaten shop mannequins to tell you about it…

What a kaleidoscope of body language that was. Watch it again, and pay close attention to Joe Perry’s terse, awkward stance throughout it. If it looks familiar to you, it’s because it’s the exact face that hostages pull while they’re pleading with the British government to release them. They don’t want to say it, but they’re scared of what will happen if they refuse. You might have to watch it a few times, though, because Steven Tyler’s hat is so moronic that it’ll probably distract you. It’s the millinery equivalent of watching a child repeatedly batter himself in the face with a tea tray.

But still, at least this means that Aerosmith are back together! Back together until they die! So back together until about mid-April, by the look of them!

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Weird. Looks like Steven Tyler – who recently left Aerosmith, rejoined Aerosmith and got fired by Aerosmith – is on drugs.

We didn’t see that coming at all. Steven Tyler doesn’t have a history of drug use, and it’s not like his recent behaviour has been legitimately potty or anything. But despite this, Tyler has decided to go to rehab to wean himself off the painkillers that he’s been addicted to for a decade.

Now, obviously, it’s important to state that the painkiller addiction may have nothing to do with Steven Tyler’s erratic behaviour lately. At this stage, in the interest of fairness, we have to assume that Steven Tyler is always this much of a clueless prick.

Oh Steven Tyler, you had to go and spoil it, didn’t you? Just last month everyone was happy – you decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on ‘Brand Tyler’ and Aerosmith vowed to carry on without you. It was the perfect scenario – based on your cameo in Be Cool, Brand Tyler would have died a sorry death, the other members of Aerosmith would have quickly faded into obscurity and, best of all, there wouldn’t have been an Aerosmith any more.

But you had to go and ruin that, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You had to realise that you were addicted to painkillers and that addiction was jeopardising the future of the band, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You had to go and check into rehab in an effort to repair the broken bond with your friends and improve your general level of health, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You make us sick, you inconsiderate bastard.

Here’s what Tyler told People:

“With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford. I love Aerosmith; I love performing as the lead singer in Aerosmith. I am grateful for all of the support and love I am receiving and am committed to getting things taken care of.”

Now, let’s be fair for a moment. It makes sense for Steven Tyler to be addicted to painkillers, given that he can barely go five minutes without toppling over like a boozed-up transvestite monkey. Not is this news particularly shocking, since Steven Tyler has been to rehab more times than a truckload of Lohans in the past.

So, you know what? It’s Christmas. Steven Tyler deserves our support here. If we all get behind him and aid his efforts to rid himself of his crippling addiction, maybe he’ll be able to find total peace within himself. Or at least enough peace to realise that Aerosmith are toilet. That’d be more than enough.

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This Aerosmith split is ugly, and not just because everyone involved in it looks like a voodoo doll made from medical waste.

No, it’s the bitterness that’s ugly. Steven Tyler has only been out of Aerosmith for a few days, and the rest of the band are already lining up to badmouth him as much as possible. Just yesterday Joe Perry complained to a radio station that Steven Tyler had recently hung up on him midway through a phonecall.

And that’s just the start. We also heard that Steven Tyler always steals the Coco Pops whenever the band buys a Kellogg’s Variety Pack, thinks that Joe Perry’s mum is a slag and once drew a cock and balls on the back of Brad Whitford‘s bomber jacket in Tipp-Ex. The man is evil.

What we appear to have here is something we like to call un problème Gosselin. You see, as we reported yesterday, Aerosmith have split up. And, just like when Jon and Kate Gosselin split up, we’re expected to pick sides – are we Team Tyler or Team Aerosmith?

However, just like the Gosselin situation, we’re having trouble picking a side, because neither option is particularly appealing. Side with Aerosmith and you’re essentially voting to see the remnants of Aerosmith shamelessly trundle around the world ripping off fans with a show starring a two-bit replacement singer.

Side with Steven Tyler, though, and you’re basically endorsing the egocentric whims of knackered old sexagenarian who looks like a bad painting of a transvestite with gills and is interested in something called ‘Brand Tyler’, even though that sounds genuinely nightmarish.

See? It’s a lose-lose.

But to help our decision along, Joe Perry is doing his best to convince us all that Steven Tyler is a right old git. Yesterday he gave an interview to a Boston radio station where, among other things, he claimed that Tyler’s telephone etiquette is nothing short of abominable:

“I did call him when we were in Hawaii, because we had some gigs that were offered to us to do in South America — like, three gigs that we were gonna do in December. And I called him up and asked him if he would consider doing them, and he hung up on me about halfway through the conversation, so I kind of got the hint that he pretty much wants to be alone and wants to do his own thing.”

So we’ve heard from Aerosmith. What about Steven Tyler? Well, so far he’s keeping a dignified silence about the split – so silent, in fact, that not even Joe Perry seems to know why he left so suddenly. Actually, maybe this is what Brand Tyler involves – Steven Tyler disappearing from view and keeping his gigantic mouth shut for the rest of his life.

If that’s the case, we’ve made our choice. Go Brand Tyler. We’re Brand Tyler all the way.

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It’s weird when old people get divorced, isn’t it? You’re both going to be dead soon, so what’s the point?

Which brings us to Aerosmith. Despite having a combined age of the highest number you can possibly think of, Aerosmith have just decided to split up. Actually, no, that isn’t strictly true – Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on something called ‘Brand Tyler’, something that – if Steven Tyler’s appearance in the movie Be Cool is anything to go by – will be the very worst thing ever created by a human being in all of history.

As for Aerosmith? They might carry on without him. Idiots.

This isn’t an admission we’re particularly proud of, but we own Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. We know, OK? We know. We just quite like Guitar Hero and it’s got Complete Control by The Clash on it and it’s fun to play Livin’ On The Edge because it’s the stupidest song ever written. Please accept our apologies. But here’s the thing – we bought Guitar Hero: Aerosmith and then Aerosmith split up. On that basis, maybe we should invest in Guitar Hero: Metallica too. You never know.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves – Aerosmith is no more. Or at least Aerosmith in its current incarnation is no more. We’ll let Digital Spy do the explaining:

[Joe] Perry said: “Steven quit as far as I can tell. I don’t know any more than you do about it. I got off the plane two nights ago. I saw online that Steven said that he was going to leave the band. I don’t know for how long, indefinitely or whatever. Other than that, I don’t know.” Tyler, 61, said that he was going to move ahead with a solo career, concentrating on ‘Brand Tyler’.

This is bound to be a shock for both Aerosmith and the eight remaining Aerosmith fans who haven’t lost all of their cognitive function to the ravages of old age yet. But, that said, we can see why Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith. As far as we’re concerned, there are two clear reasons:

1 - Aerosmith has been cruel to Steven Tyler in recent years. Thanks to Aerosmith, Tyler has caught hepatitis, been to rehab, knackered his throat and fallen off a stage like some sort of ridiculous pensionable transvestite with woefully unsatisfactory motor skills. The man clearly needs a rest.

2 - Aerosmith are crap.

Now we’ll just have to see what happens next. There are already rumours that Aerosmith will simply replace Steven Tyler and move on without him. But that won’t really be Aerosmith, will it? Sure, it might sound like Sweet Emotion when the new line-up plays it, but if it’s not being wailed out by an old man who looks like a Janice Dickinson mannequin that’s been stitched together out of animal scrotums and dances like a monkey being anally molested with a pine cone, then it’s not going to fool anyone.

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Steven Tyler is proof that age ain’t nothing but a number – a fairly high number that mathematically means he’s old.

But that won’t stop him. He may be in his sixties, but Steven Tyler can still do everything that the kids do – like sing, dance, topple off the edge of a stage in the middle of an ill-advised bout of body-popping during an Aerosmith concert and get airlifted to hospital in a helicopter. Which, funnily enough, happened to him on Wednesday night in South Dakota.

Don’t worry, we have video of Steven Tyler’s hilarious (or tragic) fall after the jump.

If you ask us, this is taking the piss. Aerosmith are famously the poor man’s Rolling Stones, but there’s no need to take it to this level. Remember when Keith Richards injured his head by falling out of a coconut tree? Well, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has decided to rip off that moment by clattering off the edge of a stage during a concert and getting airlifted to hospital with injuries to his head, neck and shoulder. Honestly, it’s shameless.

According to reports, this is what happened – there was a power-cut in the middle of an Aerosmith concert in South Dakota on Wednesday, and to entertain the crowd while the issue was being remedied, Steven Tyler decided to keep the crowd entertained. He slipped, fell, and was airlifted to hospital ‘in good spirits’ as the concert was halted.

That’s according to reports but, according to this video, this is what happened…

You see? The reports were all lies. Steven Tyler wasn’t dancing to entertain the audience – he was simply leading everyone in a mass game of charades. Watch the video again – he’s clearly miming the 1972 arthouse film Helicopter Shhh Lionel Blair Wuh-Wuh-WAARRRGH Ouch. It’s obvious.

Anyway, this fall continues Steven Tyler’s lucky streak of creating gaps in Aerosmith’s schedule by buggering himself up. Not so long ago Tyler cut a tour short to have surgery on his throat, and then there was the time he caught hepatitis, the time he had to go to rehab, and now this.

In fact, Steven Tyler is getting so good at buggering himself up that it’ll be hard for him to keep it fresh from now on. Maybe during the next Aerosmith tour he can eat a bad oyster and vomit over the front three rows, or have a medieval knight in full armour charge onto the stage on horseback and run him through with a lance or something. He needs to think of something fast, because unfortunate body-related mishaps are swiftly becoming Steven Tyler’s USP.

However, at least Steven Tyler is showing people of his generation that they don’t have to do what society expects of them. No, they can dress up like a female drama teacher, nob around like the world’s most embarrassingly drunk dad at a wedding and spectacularly crock themselves in front of the entire world. That’s much better, isn’t it?

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For three years hecklerspray did nothing but sit out back and smoke rat skin with our 11 cats.

Not the kind of smoking you’re thinking though – we mean we literally smoked them like the skins of a rotisserie chicken. Our intent was to capture a cool smokey aroma in every meal those cats ever ate. It’d be an understatement if we said our efforts went unappreciated, except for Fluffy.

He ate those skinned, savory rat skins by the dozen – he really couldn’t stop himself. After a while he killed and smoked every rat within a 16 block radius. When they were all gone neighborhood babies began to disappear. Now we’re not making any allegations here, but when we killed and smoked Fluffy cribs were just as full in the morning as they’d been the night before.

We do mean literally there, though, about smoking Fluffy. We wrapped him in a hand towel and twisted it shut at both ends. Our lungs probably have an inch of litter box in them. It’s because that cat pooped alot, it’s the price he paid. Steven Tyler can relate to this very real tale of Fluffy’s substance abuse.

Well that’s what his new rehab centre might tell us anyway.

When most people think of Aerosmith, they most likely want their late 80s album money back. Also they probably think Steven Tyler’s microphone would be a convenient place to need a nose blow.

And speaking of that Tyler guy – he’s had a string of bad luck, hasn’t he? He had a surgery that jacked-up his tour schedule, he’s like a sponge that soaks up nothing but hepatitis C, and his daughter is recently leaving the husband that Steve may or may not have enjoyed supporting financially.

And now he’s gone and locked himself in a rehab clinic. According TMZ:

“Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, 60, has checked himself into Las Encinas Hospital drug rehabilitation clinic — the place Dr. Drew practices — in Pasadena, Calif. It’s the same facility where the reality show “Celebrity Rehab” was filmed. Tyler is getting treatment for substance abuse.”

We don’t think Tyler will actually appear on Celebrity Rehab, but if he does we hope it’s with a freshly shaved head and a penchant for running down the halls claiming to be directly descended from Beelzebub. Hey – we all know it’s true, and if you play all his records backwards in alphabetical order you’ll see exactly what we mean.

Also if you cue it with the third lion roar at the beginning of The Wizard Of Oz you’ll see Aerosmith’s entire catalogue is an exact soundtrack to it.

Seriously – just you go look.

Read More:

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Checks Into Rehab Facility: Report – MTV.Com