The next major party on our calendar is that of our lord saviour Jesus Christ. When he was born on December 25, not only did he know he’d be worshiped by millions, but he’d have to die for our sins. Sorry about that Jesus – we didn’t mean to squash the neighbour’s cat when reversing down the street.

Instead of it being called Jesus day, that day is often referred to as Christmas. While we use it to chomp on dry turkey, multinational corporations use it as a tool to promote their badly-made product.

Bearing in mind that it’s only just November, DFS are already telling us to buy quickly so they can deliver an Italian three-piece suite to our house in time for Christmas. Last time we checked, sofas and Jesus had nothing in common. That’s unless he was a greasy Italian man who made chairs and talked in a funny accent while eating pizza.

This advert isn’t the worst one we’ve seen on TV, but the fact that Christmas is being whored out to us now is nothing short of depressing. Every year Christmas seems to be arriving that little bit quicker. Expect Easter eggs to be prominently displayed from the 2nd of January 2009. You know, so you can buy early and save precious pennies.

That feeling isn’t just limited to perfume commercials, you know. The Safestyle double glazing TV adverts have been running on and off for years, and yet every time one of them is broadcast we find ourselves quivering in the foetal position trying to chew our own shoulder off afterwards because we just can’t work any of it out.

In short, the Safestyle ad is a commercial so confusing that this is the only logical conversation that could have possibly taken place at the advertising brainstorming meeting:

Safestyle executive: “OK, so the benefits of double glazing are clear to everyone – noise reduction, heat insulation, security – and we’d also like to highlight some of our financial incentives as well. Any ideas?”

Advertiser: “Yes! Why don’t we find a obnoxious, self-consciously wacky bald man who looks like he’s from Narnia and makes Barry Scott look like the world’s finest Shakespearean actor, dress him up like a Medieval time-traveller from the future and make him walk around the world’s cheapest set destroying your own products and bellowing at the viewers in a way that’s virtually guaranteed to offend all of them into never using your company for anything?”

Safestyle executive: “Well, um, that’s not really…”

Advertiser: “I saved your life, John. Remember? In the war? I dragged your injured body to safety through minefields and machine gun fire. You said you were forever indebted to me. Remember that?”

Safestyle executive: “Oh, alright then.”

Watch the gruesome Safetyle UK advert now

Comic book fans will no doubt be aware that seminal 1980s graphic novel Watchmen is making its way to the big screen.

What you might not know, however, is that director Zack Snyder commissioned an intriguing little competition for amateur film-makers to contribute to the upcoming feature. Entrants had to create a TV commercial set within the Watchmen universe – an alternative-history 1985 where superheroes have driven key world events.

Got some time to waste? Good. Then you can pop over to YouTube and have a look at some of the winning entries. They're all frankly fantastic, with a particular favourite being the spot-on toy commercial.

Oh – and is this the geekiest post in hecklerspray history? Very possibly.

When you think of Birds Eye, you think of food. You don’t think of once popular singers who hail from East Sussex.

Sadly though, it seems that Suggs, the singer of Madness has decided to suck the corporate cock of Birds Eye and let them ejaculate a substantial amount of money in his direction. All so he can promote their range of frozen foods. Everyone knows that the true spokesman of Birds Eye is, of course, Captain Birdseye – a man who could get us to eat anything from the sea, be it squid, eel or part of a rusty old bike. He had us in his fishy smelling palm. No-one could better him.

And it’s great to see Suggs make an absolute twat of himself as he tries to become the new Captain Birdseye. We don’t care if Birds Eye makes good mood food. Not when Suggs is making adverts that make us feel like we’ve died a bit inside. Just fuck off back to your creepy street where all the neighbours seem to like each other and there’s no annoying kid refusing to eat the same as everyone else.