Advertising - HecklerSpray

Badvertising: Out Of Work Actors 4 U

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.

It doesn’t mean they’re good- as you can see Dep Ed Michael & ‘Spray scribe Euan?have very, very shaky hands. That doesn’t matter though because, for your viewing pleasure, they’ve had a think about what Lawyers do when they’re not out chasing ambulances.

Badvertising: Play Weight Watchers By Blinding & Deafening Yourself

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.

You won’t.

Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.

Badvertising Christmas Special Part IV: It’s Not Christmas Without A Coke

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

By now the haze of Christmas parties is bound to have worn off and you’ll be sitting there with nothing to show from the festive period but a photocopy of your genitals and an unplanned pregnancy; you’re probably looking back on the month or so preceding this and thinking, “Where did it all go wrong?”

That’s simple. You’re one of these people who gets so excited about the concept of Christmas that you vomit all over your facebook with excitement the first time you see that terrible Coca Cola advert.

SO YOU’VE PROBABLY ALREADY GUESSED THAT I’M GOING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE YOU RUB YOURSELF AND WONDER IF YOU MIGHT HAVE CRABS.

Badvertising Christmas Special Part III: The Range & Their Staff Of Shuffling Morons

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Christmas is a time of giving and it’s also a time for making so much money that to view it all packed into one room would melt the mind of anyone from the working classes while simultaneously?destabilising?the economic security of a developing African country.

Of course, anyone with 70 pence and a reasonable idea of how to sell a Twix to a starving man can turn a profit in this world and if you keep scaling things up then eventually you’ll be left with enough money to buy Greece, pump it full of fake snow and turn it into a Winter Wonderland theme park in time for next Christmas but that doesn’t mean that Christmas is all about clawing at cash.

EVEN THOUGH IT IS.

Badvertising: Man Has Inappropriate Relationship With McDonalds Burger

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There’s nothing better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame. That is, unless you’re vegetarian or can’t eat pork for religious reasons. Maybe you don’t like burgers. Okay, so there are several things that are- in reality- better than the smell of a burger chargrilling over an open flame but we can assure you of one thing, a fast food burger is not one of them.

It’s not for us to tell you the problems with fast food and to preach to you like grimy facsimiles of Nigel Slater would be hypocritical. We’ve all been drunk, hungry, in desperate need of an escape from the rain that we’ve been in one of the American burger giants- there’s no denying it. Find us someone who’s never been over the door and we’ll point and gawp in sheer amazement.

Badvertising: Two Rubbish Adverts For The Price Of One

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There is a definite trend of companies recycling their expensive adverts of yesteryear in order to save themselves a bit of cash. To be honest, there isn’t a lot we can say as a criticism of that. Times are tough and if your product hasn’t changed very much then why bother going to the effort of making a whole new advert to?extoll?the exact same virtues.

While there’s nothing wrong with it on the face of it, some ads remind us that they were completely awful in the first place and, like last week, we’re looking into the murky, sugar-loaded world of soft drinks.

Badvertising: But Does That Make Rape Okay?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

This week’s Badvertising proves that the really piss-poor elements of advertising live longer in the memory than the really good ones. What do you remember most? Those Nescaf? ads where Anthony Head gets his end away or that insurance advert where Michael Winner tells people to calm down before disemboweling them with a rusty fork? We can’t even remember which one’s meant to be the bad one in that comparison.

What we’re trying to say is, this isn’t a new advert that we’re picking on today but the minute you see it, you’ll remember it.

Fizzy drinks. People like fizzy drinks. We know in a health-crazed culture where everyone’s going out of their way to look like some tanned bell-end from The Only Way Is Essex, it’s not fashionable to say that. Why not have a smoothie instead? Piss off. The people want sugar and strychnine!

Badvertising: How Many Pop Culture References Does It Take To Induce Suicide?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Popular culture is a wonderful thing, especially for the people that made those classic television shows, films, cartoons, songs etc. that were actually pretty rubbish in their original incarnation but are fondly remembered by those with a penchant for nostalgia as being the finest things ever crafted by human hands.

These are people who form pop culture opinion, the people who are talking heads on nostalgic talking head shows in which talking heads regale you with tales of how they sit down with a plateful of Findus Crispy Pancakes just in time to watch the latest episode of Baywatch. These people manage to create some kind of time-capsuled ‘tweet’ of what they had for dinner 25 years ago and share it later for money.

That’s the dream folks.

Badvertising: Mmm… CGI Chocolate

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Chocolate! It’s a wonderful invention. Not only did it get thousands of American soldiers laid during the second world war, it’s also a tasty treat that you can give your kids. Your kids who will die of a fatty liver by the time they’re 25. Not only that, it’s an indulgent treat for you to force down your gullet at every available second while telling yourself that it’s just a little slip-up.

It might not surprise you to learn that there are loads of ways to advertise chocolate because it’s such a universally beloved product. The big question is that of the target market. If there isn’t an established target market for product then we end up with mad-eyed children, planting ideas about milk chocolate in your head through a hypnotic eyebrow dance.

That kind of confusion might spark ‘water-cooler’ conversation but it doesn’t make anyone want to eat a bar of Dairy Milk, no matter what anyone claims.

Badvertising: The Paddy Power Vampire – “Who Are You & What Are You Doing Here?”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There’s no video content for this week’s Badvertising, primarily because caretaker of the advertising corner, Michael Park, has become the victim of legal action after a woman’s head exploded after seeing his smug, self-involved face on her computer screen more than the appointed twice in a month. This means that it’s back to plain ol’ words!

When you’re making an advert, it’s important to establish a relationship for the sake of the viewer. Now, what do we mean by that? There are myriad different types of relationships in advertising from the authoritarian ‘expert’ who spends a worrying amount of time bellowing out of the television, to the ‘friends’ who love nothing more than snuggling up on a couch eating Maltesers and taking intravenous injections of air freshener.