The Games Workshop has stood as a shining beacon in town centres around the world as gathering spots for nerds, geeks and every available derisory word we can think of.

We don’t feel bad saying that because some of us hecklerspray writers (cough ahem) were included in that ‘nerdy’ few who devoted far too much time to the table top franchise [You're all perverts - Ed.].

For a number of years, table-top games have dared to jump from dice to the 21st century with several releases such as Space Hulk, Dawn of War, Fire Warrior but to little success except for inside pre-existing fan bases. Developer Relic Entertainment should however buck that trend with Space Marine, a gratifyingly violent third-person shooter/hack-n-slash combo that even non Games Workshop collectors can enjoy.

You take up the role of Captain Titus (voiced by Mark Strong), leader of a faction of Space Marines known as the Ultramarines who are sent to a world that is being besieged by millions of Orks to hopefully turn the tide and rescue some massive robot like weapon.

Admittedly, the story isn’t very original and you soon find out that there is very little backstory to the game, with audiences frequently asked to fill in the blanks and get on with it. In one instance, there’s a character who we learn is part of ‘The Inquisition’ who our Ultramarines for some reason fear and respect, but at no point is it explained why we’re aiding this trumped up psychic twerp.

It’s all a little bit disappointing, but then once you get into the frantic mix of blasting Orks away with massive, powerful weapons and giddily dismembering bodies left, right and centre. Basically, forget the story – you have a bloodbath to be getting on with.

That said, this dumb fun soon loses flavour. The game is genuinely difficult, even with frequent weapon power-ups and special moves. Sadly, the whole thing just doesn’t seem to relent. At times, you get the feeling that you and your little merry band of marines are the pocket of resistance amidst a seemingly never ending sea of bloodthirsty Orks.

Never ending isn’t a good thing in the gaming world, unless you’ve got no life.

The online mode is just as bad. The whole thing feels terribly thin and with only a handful of game choices and levels to choose from, the whole thing becomes something of a chore.

The choice of weapons feels somewhat limited and compared to the likes of Call of Duty or Battlefield Bad Company, only vaguely saved by the option to custom-make your own character for online play.

What we have here is the potential for a great series. Space Marine is better placed for potential sequels that any other game of its type out there; the only hope is that they have a little more ambition and open up their geek shaped doors to create a more immersive experience than this first outing.

7/10

This rubbish was written by James Wright who we found hanging around on a street corner, crying.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

It’s nice to find a free game that craps all over many of those commercially available.

While Masq may not be one of the best lookers out there – though it is home to a distinctive style – it manages to captivate in the small doses it offers with some fine, branching storylines and a level of freedom most games can only ever dream of.

In fact, the best way to put it is exactly how PC Gamer said it:

The Deus Ex of comic-strip soap operas. Get shot, divorced, incarcerated, all three, and more.

And that’s bloody high praise. A great timewaster and fantastic game in its own right.

Play Masq Here:

Masq

It’s really quite annoying when you ‘discover’ a talent out there that you really enjoy the work of, then it turns out they’re the same age as you are.

Not that hecklerspray has an actual age, of course – we are but a huge hive-mind entity made of pure carbon and powered entirely on bicep juice. But still – you mortals know what we mean.

One of these talented young chaps, known around the world of gaming as ‘Yahtzee’ is one Ben Croshaw; creator of the frankly hilarious Zero Punctuation video game reviews and part-time game-maker. The first of the fruits of his labour was 5 Days a Stranger, a horror adventure game starring what became Croshaw’s trademark character, ‘Trilby’.

For a free game that clocks in a fairly short amount of playing time, you still feel satisfied with what’s on offer. Cleverly written, witty, logical and with just enough challenge to keep you playing, 5DaS is a fantastic example of free, independently-developed games at their best.

And he’s made a series out of them, so there are more games to download once you’ve finished this one. Which is nice.

Go and Check Yahtzee’s Stuff Out:
5 Days a Stranger

Zero Punctuation

As any nostalgic 25 – 30 year old will tell you the mid-80s were a truly magical cinematic time for any kid to grow up in. In the wake of George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, we were bombarded with a cluster of imaginative, mystical live-action fantasy adventure films, which eagerly promoted a genuine sense of mischievous fun and adventure.

Tales of typically normal excitable youngsters going on epic adventures that lifted the heart stirred the soul and haunted our dreams. But it was the palpable sense of adventure that really convinced, giving us youngsters an achievable sense of daydream adventure – long before the internet or Xbox-claimed adolescent imagination.  

Why the mid-80s? Give us another span of time where there was an equally audacious flux of films that dared to lift the lid on Pandora’s Box to capture our imagination and fiendishly tape into our most primal kiddie fears? So forget the CGI-bloated likes of Harry Potter, Golden Compass and the new Narnia adventures and let us divulge to you hecklerspray’s definitive Top 10 Cult Classic Fantasy Adventure Flicks from the Mid-80s…

1. The Goonies (1985)     

How could you possibly compile an ultimate mid 80s film tribute list without including this cult classic from Superman helmer Richard Donner? It’s the tale of a group of young suburbanites going on a (frankly ludicrous) adventure to thwart the council from demolishing their family homes by seeking hidden pirate treasure in booby-trapped underground lairs. But what makes it more believable is its incredibly gifted and likable young cast. Move over Harry Potter, these kids have charisma! With the likes of Mikey, Chunk, Mouth and Data on your team you won’t need magical powers to accomplish a distinguishing characteristic. And yes that’s No Country For Old Men’s Josh Brolin playing Mikey’s teenage brother! And who could forget The Fratellis? The archetypal kiddie movie bad guys, headed by super-bad ass (but sweet as pie in real life – if you believe the cast commentary) old trouper Anne Ramsey. And it’s got Spielberg on executive producing duties and a great cheesy but catchy Cyndi Lauper music video to go with it – what more could your young hearts ask for?        

2. Return To Oz (1985)     

We weren’t really fans of the original Wizard of Oz movie but when Fairuza Balk came waltzing along with her talking chicken Billina and C3PO-type robot companion Tik-Tok we were overwhelmed by the results. And it was fucking scary too! What with those sinister, sub-Starlight Express Wheelers skirting around, those crumbling and gruesome claymation monsters and that hideous witch Mombi, with her eerie glass cabinet selection of limitless heads. No annoying musical numbers, no cowardly lion or clumsy scarecrow, (well not until later on anyway), just a gothic nightmarish adventure with startling baroque imagery in a mysterious, distant land where you will find ham sandwiches hanging on trees and an old man modelling red slippers.    

3. Labyrinth (1986)     

In our opinion Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly was never better than when she played the feisty 15-year-old babysitter Sarah in Jim Henson’s spellbinding adventure. David Bowie camps it up as the glamorous Goblin King, along with a slew of Henson’s imaginative puppeteer creations – and we don’t mind those catchy dance numbers either.       

4. Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)     

Anyone remember the haunting chanting of the Egyptian Rametep? The hallucinogenic stained-glass window knight that suddenly broke away from its frame to demonstrate the impressive power of early CGI? Or the opening shocker where a turkey dinner comes alive to attack its consumer? Well that’s all from this cult special effects Oscar-nominated Sherlock Holmes prequel adventure – which was subtitled (Indiana Jones style): The Pyramid of Fear. Dreamt up by early Harry Potter helmer Chris Columbus, (with Spielberg once again on producing duties), this was a notable highlight for the young cast of unknowns involved and proved a chilling sweeping and deadly adventure, a world away from the archetypal cosy Peter Cushing/Basil Rathbone movie outings.    

5. Explorers (1985)     

Explorers was the warmhearted tale of a trio of kiddie science geeks who – masterminded by computer whiz-kid River Phoenix, (debuting alongside a painfully young Ethan Hawke) – convert a junkyard carousel car into a floating capsule capable of travelling into outer space. Although looking more like a glorified wheelie bin than anything NASA would conceive the capsule is their gateway to adolescent freedom and they use it like any other teenage kids would use it: to travel the world, explore the universe and of course peep on girlies getting undressed.    

6. The Lost Boys (1987)     

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire” went the encouraging tagline to this impressionable coming-of-age puberty flick (masking as a vampire movie). The Lost Boys is about two teenage brothers who rub shoulders with a leather-clad clan of blood thirsty vampires following their relocation to a new town in sunny California. A sequel is currently in the works, (welcome back Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog), but the original still holds up today as an irreplaceable nostalgic horror fantasy adventure… and Kiefer Sutherland is still the cool kid you wanna be when your strange.    

7. Dark Crystal (1983)


Set in a dark and vast mystical world this is the penultimate moment when muppet maestros Jim Henson and Frank Oz ventured into the limitless realm of the feature film. It’s a testament to the sheer power of suspension of disbelief that we willingly surrender our soles to a land populated entirely by puppet creations, ranging from the grotesque eagle-like entities of the feared Skekses to the almost sickly sweet Gelfings. It’s not exactly ‘live-action’ but we like it.    

8. Flight of the Navigator (1986)     

This is the film that embraces the journey of a 12-year-old whizzkid who goes on a bombastic time-travelling adventure when he’s abducted by an alien space-capsule, piloted by a robot that looks bizarrely like your dentist’s examination lamp. But it’s a heck of a lot of fun even 20 years on! Hell, it’s even got a young Sarah Jessica Parker in it as an annoyingly friendly (when hasn’t she been annoying?) laboratory assistant.     

9. Highlander (1986)     

If you don’t get too distracted by Christopher Lambert’s dodgy Scottish vocals, or the ridiculously complex plot, then Highlander is still a thrilling adventure yarn to rival Flash Gordon. And just like that said sci-fi film it’s got a truly marvellous signature score by Queen. Fuck the sequels, reassert yourself with the masterly original.      

10. Repo Man (1984)     

Alex Cox’s superb science fiction film stars a young Emilio Estevez as Otto: a punk rocker who becomes the ultimate car repossession professional after helping to steal a wanted vehicle. The twist in the tale is that there’s some strange glowing object inside the boot of the car that’s got the attention of government agents and UFO enthusiasts alike. With classy support from veteran character actor Harry Dean Stanton this was the film that put the ‘punk’ into punk rocker. 

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]