In the world of hecklerspray, there are very few British celebrities who are worth discussing in any great detail but every so often the opportunity comes up to take the piss out of a ‘celebrity’ who is so noticeably smug that he makes Jools Holland look like Rosa Parks. However, when such an opportunity arises we have to grab it with both hands and tighten our vice-like grip around the throat of said smug celebrity whose face looks like a deflating whoopee cushion.
We’re referring of course to Adrian Chiles but you’d probably already realised that from the picture which is placed next to all the articles. Regardless, we wanted to build up to him in order to replicate that feeling of complete dread that one feels in the moments leading up to Chiles’ face appearing on the television screen. The moments where palms start sweating, teeth start grinding and you realise that if you want to watch the football then you have to put up with his over-paid, self-satisfied face forcing banter with Gareth Southgate, a man so beige that he looks like he was spawned by peeling himself off a nicotine-stained wall.
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Daybreak, ITV’s woeful attempt at going head to head with BBC Breakfast, is in trouble as ratings continue to plummet.
The breakfast show, hosted by former One Show presenters Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley, is only averaging somewhere around 500,000 viewers per show.
500,000 sounds like a lot, but when you consider that even Channel 4’s god-awful Seven Days experiment is pulling in more viewers per episode, you know that something is going seriously wrong.
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It’s been incredibly heart-warming to witness ‘Crumpled Morrissey’ Stewart Lee’s commercial ascension over the last few years. Seeing his routine in a half-full tent at Glastonbury 2005 was like a ‘Beatles in the Cavern Club’ moment for hecklerspray.
This comparison falls apart utterly since Lee already had a long and distinguished career in radio and TV, but at that point he had a relatively low profile for his stand-up. Seeing him use such beautifully eloquent and heavily worded analysis one minute and then to make equally successful points by saying virtually nothing at all showed a comedian with such a brilliant understanding of language both in making astute comment, but also getting a laugh for it.
We were so moved by the experience that upon our return home we promptly sent him an email. We simply had to let the man know. We imagine all stalking starts with similar self-justifications.
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We say toh-mah-toh and you’re wrong.
Folded:
- Ladies man Adrian Chiles quits the BBC (this is great news. What do you mean he’s gone to ITV? Radio, we said. RADIO!)
- Students – we love ‘em (Cameron gets it in the boat race)
- Bento Box (served on a tray, usually, but still very tasty)
- Ash cloud excuses (“it’s the wrong type of ash, my car won’t start“)
- Fairy cakes or buns? (this is worth arguing about because both are delicious. Just so you know where we stand, fairy cakes look like THIS, buns like THIS)
Creased:
- Politicians’ tour buses (huge, space age, gas guzzling, it’s almost like they are a complete waste of money)
- McDonald’s Monopoly game (look, enough with the flippin Play vouchers, okay? We want the house, the car, or £500k. Failing that, a Caramel McFlurry)
- Katy Perry’s ‘moves’ in the If We Ever Meet Again video (cringe with embarrassment as she cringes with embarrassment doing the ‘hands’ near the end)
- This awful David Morales remix of Back in My Life (Leave. It. Alone)
- Lindsay Lohan…again (just last week. Now really turning things round for herself)
Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.
And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona‘s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.
But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.
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