Adnan Ghalib was famous for being the only man alive who could make Kevin Federline seem sort of decent.

The past tense was correct, by the way. An LA judge has just granted Britney Spears and her family a longterm restraining order from Britney’s ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib – leading to fears that, without Britney Spears to piggyback around on, Adnan will fold up neatly, slot into his disgusting beard-slug and crawl away never to be heard of again.

So Adnan Ghalib, it was nice knowing you. Even though we didn’t actually know you. And it was the scientific opposite of nice.

Some people say that Britney Spears constantly needs a man in her life. They point out that Britney Spears only officially started going shitpot barmy once she split up with her husband, and that she’s so easily led astray because all the inappropriate men she’s ever been linked to are a substitute for the emotional stability she missed growing up as a showbusiness child.

But to this we say pah. Britney Spears is a strong, independent woman. And nobody demonstrates this more than Britney’s ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. A married paparazzo, Adnan Ghalib not only convinced Britney Spears to be with him – and pose for semi-naked pictures – at the height of her mental illness, but he also managed to squeeze in a tell-all interview about her on TV hours after she dumped him.

How does Adnan Ghalib’s manipulation of Britney Spears demonstrate her strength? Simple, because he wasn’t manipulating her at all. Look, Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib haven’t been together for months, and Britney is still shrieking about her genitals in public. She’s always been mental! In your face, Ghalib!

And now it’s been proven that Britney Spears can get along without Adnan Ghalib very well, it’s time for him to be banished from her until the distant future. Reuters reports:

Britney Spears’ former boyfriend, photographer Adnan Ghalib, was ordered on Wednesday to stay away from the singer and her family for three years. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Aviva Bobb imposed a restraining order on Ghalib until March 2012. Bobb also extended a temporary stay away order against the singer’s former self-styled manager, Sam Lutfi, until April 1.

Add this restraining order to the assualt charge that he currently faces and it doesn’t paint a pretty future for Adnan Ghalib. The best-case scenario is that all the paparazzi pictures he takes of Britney Spears will now have to be shot from at least 250 yards away from her, and the worst-case scenario involves him being deported back to the UK.

By which we obviously mean that it’ll be the worst-case scenario for us, because he’d almost definitely try and shack up with Kerry Katona right from the get-go, and semi-naked photos of Kerry Katona are literally the last thing we’d ever want to see.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It takes a special type of man to make people think that, in retrospect, Kevin Federline probably wasn’t so bad.

And Adnan Ghalib is certainly special. You may remember Adnan Ghalib as the awful man who a) romanced Britney Spears at her absolute lowest ebb and b) had a beard that looked like he’d been gargling with animal poo and forgot to wipe his chin afterwards. Well guess what? Adnan Ghalib’s back.

Obviously when we say ‘back’ we mean ‘charged with assault after allegedly running a man over on purpose and breaking his wrist’. You lost a good one there, Britney.

Even though he’s obviously a first class pillock with a beard that makes him look like a dog’s wiped its arse down his chin, we have to profess a sneaking admiration for Adnan Ghalib.

Here’s married a man who, by trade, used to follow Britney Spears around with a camera hoping that she’d get out of her car without any knickers on, then waited until her obvious mental health problems made her vulnerable enough to seduce her, before taking and selling some naked photos of her and possibly making a sex tape with her and then – when he inevitably got dumped – managed to do a tell-all TV interview on the exact same day.

And, whatever you think of the man, you have to at least acknowledge that longterm awfulness like that has to take a fair bit of dedication.

No? You’re still not impressed by Adnan Ghalib? Well how about this – earlier this month Adnan was so determined to avoid being served with a restraining order from Britney Spears’ father that he allegedly drove his car at the process server and shattered his wrist. Now Adnan’s been charged with assault with a deadly weapon charge, battery and hit-and-run.

You’re impressed now, right? This isn’t any old arsehole we’re talking about. This is Adnan Ghalib: Lord Of The Arseholes, an arsehole of such staggering magnitude that he deserves to sit on a giant throne made of millions and millions of tiny pulsating anuses until the end of time. Anyway, according to the police report:

On Feb. 11, the victim was allegedly serving a temporary restraining order obtained by Spears’s father on paparazzi photographer Adnan Ghalib’s Encino apartment complex. Ghalib allegedly got into his car and drove it toward the victim. To avoid being penned against a trash truck, the victim allegedly jumped on the hood of Ghalib’s Mercedes and hung on as the defendant swerved the car. The victim later fell off, breaking his wrist and sustaining other injuries. The defendant allegedly drove away without stopping.

If he’s convicted of these charges, Adnan Ghalib faces seven years in jail, which would pose all kinds of problems, not least for Britney Spears. Dating-wise Britney seems to be attracted to increasingly dangerous men – she went from Kevin Federline, who had a gangsta haircut and abbreviated his name in a gangsta way; to Adnan Ghalin, a man who may have deliberately run someone over.

But where does she go from that? We’re not sure, but Peter Sutcliffe should probably start pressing his suits just in case.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

A guest blog by the wonderful Amy Grindhouse…

Britney Spears is in trouble with her daddy again. Which one would think is unimaginably hard to do since at this moment in time all Britney is free to do of her own accord is poop and jiggle her rump on stage.

Dungeon Master Spears is having to waste away more precious moments of his life that he’ll never get back on reprimanding his daughter.

This time Britney has broken one of the many restrictions placed on her by reaching out to two people with whom she is not supposed to have any contact; Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib.

One could gather from the current Spears family situation that the entire barefoot, grilled-cheese sandwich-eating clan are actually living above their local courthouse and perhaps even that they find some kind of strange joy from partaking in court proceedings.

Sadly, the Spears family do not live above a courthouse, but they should. The entire family have spent so much time in court lately you would think officials were handing out free cheese grits to the first five hillbillies to enter each morning.

In this latest farce in the neverending legal battle between Britney and, um, everybody, Jamie Spears has had to take his daughter to task over some sneaky late night phonecalls to her former manager Sam and ex-boyfriend Adnan (hilariously, most forget which was which as they were both generally referred to as “the annoying lump cleverly simultaneously standing next to and sucking the life out of an over-caffeinated Britney Spears”).

In her latest attempt to throw a spanner in the works and sabotage the efforts of the one person who seems genuinely to be trying to help her, Britney has allegedly called her former manager and her old lover on the sly. Much in the manner of a wayward tweenager who has been grounded from going out and is secretly Tweeting and Facebooking their mates every five minutes and chuckling to themselves about how clever they are.

According to TMZ:

There’s a hearing underway in the Britney Spears restraining order case against Sam Lutfi Adnan Ghalib. Daddy Jamie Spears is on the stand right now, explaining that Britney somehow got her hands on a pre-paid cell phone which caused him fits because they have been strictly monitoring the phones she’s able to use.

A naughty daughter out of control, making calls to her troublesome crew is nothing new. However, the woman in question is a wise old 27-years-old. Yes, she is 27 and still pulling crap like this.

TMZ also says that Britney was ratted out by her children’s nanny, which may or may not mean the nanny is actually a robot with cameras for eyes or some kind of stealth spy planted by the FBI (I’m thinking probably not):

The nanny heard Britney talking to Sam and Adnan on the pre-paid phone in the wee hours of the morning one day. It appears Jamie believes Sam and Adnan got her the phone in an attempt to poison her against Jamie and to torpedo the conservatorship.

If Sam did have any contact with Britney, he would have violated a court order to stay the hell away from her. Jamie is trying to make the temporary restraining order against the dynamic duo permanent.

What else is there to say but… this is a woman who makes it bloody hard to help her!

This has been a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse. Go and pay her site a visit now. Do it. Now. Go.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

As you may know, there’s a Britney Spears sex tape – we’d have mentioned it earlier but, you know, we’ve just eaten and we like not being blind.

Don’t get too excited, though – the existence of the Britney Spears sex tape was allegedly confirmed by Adnan Ghalib, Britney’s paparazzo ex-boyfriend. So, on the basis that at least 50% of the tape features a creepy dimwit with a funny accent and the world’s worst beard, it’s safe to say that nobody will ever ever form an erection while watching the Britney Spears sex tape.

Or will they? It’s been reported that Britney Spears is keen to pay whatever it takes to buy the master copy of this apparent Britney Spears sex tape from Adnan Ghalib. And you know what that means? It means that if Britney Spears is prepared to pay millions of dollars for a video of a mentally ill woman in a pink wig having squalid intercourse with one of the world’s least likable men, it must be sexy! Where can we get a copy?

Sometimes we’re desperately envious of Britney Spears, you know. We’ve spent so long wishing that our harrowing mental breakdown could be punctuated by a married man who’s effectively paid to stalk us coming to sweep us off our feet so we an embark on a high-flying romance that involves him taking naked pictures of us, trying to sell those naked pictures to the highest bidder, running off to the entertainment news shows to sell his story minutes after splitting up with us and generally bringing about the darkest period of our entire lives.

And, for a brief moment, that’s what Britney Spears had with Adnan Ghalib. Sure, he might have been married and hopelessly exploitative and in possession of a beard that made his neck look like a minge, but right up until the moment when she apparently took out a restraining order on him, Adnan loved Britney Spears.

He loved her enough to allegedly film himself having it off with her so that he could sell the tape for millions of dollars. And that’s the greatest love of all.

You see, Adnan Ghalib is apparently pimping about a Britney Spears sex tape. No, not the one that Britney allegedly made with Kevin Federline, or the one that some guy took on holiday where you couldn’t tell that it was Britney Spears he was having sex with but it definitely was, honest.

This is the infamous Pink Wig Britney Spears sex tape. The one claimed to be made during that time where Britney spent her days wandering around babbling to herself in a British accent. The one that, sadly, Adnan Ghalib co-stars in.

And now that Adnan Ghalib seems to have confirmed the existence of the Britney Spears sex tape, he’s apparently going to sell it. Funnily enough, he’s going to sell it to Britney Spears. The Sun reports:

Earlier this week, [Adnan] admitted: “There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.” It is thought a pornography website is prepared to offer the photographer up to £5million for the footage. But Britney is willing to pay whatever it takes of her own money to keep the tape off the market.

It’s a shame that Britney Spears is effectively being held to ransom over the sex tape, but buying it from Adnan Ghalib is definitely the best way forward here. Not only will it stop the tape from destroying Britney’s painstakingly choreographed comeback, but also it’s a bit of a nestegg should things go financially tits up for her in the future.

And, let’s be honest, nobody wants to see that particular Britney Spears sex tape anyway. If we wanted to get our kicks from watching videos about a depressed scrawny girl with obvious psychiatric issues having grubby meaningless sex with a creepy man she clearly doesn’t even like while possibly under the influence of all kinds of prescription medication, we’d just look at your parent’s honeymoon tape.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer: it's a decent way of looking at things. But not so decent when your enemy is a paparazzo, who deals entirely on getting pictures of you in compromising positions, exchanging your dignity for cold, hard cash.

Damn – someone should have told Britney Spears this before she started her relationship with British photo-jockey Adnan Ghalib. See, keeping one's enemies closer does work in many situations, but when your enemy's sole purpose in life is to get as close to you as they legally can, you should probably opt for 'running away quite fast and keeping your enemy at a few arms' length'.

Alas, our poor, maybe quite mental Britney wasn't warned, and now she's supposedly trying to stop another wonderful celebrity sex tape from being released to the baying public. If only people would help to look after the girl.

Just when things were getting back on track for the young pop-tart, something has to come along and send things royally tits-up. She of 'Toxic' and latterly 'mental' fame had seen the shattered pieces of her life being slowly put back together. First with some trepidation, but soon enough there was something resembling normality entering the Spears household – she had recently regained overnight access to her kids and was on her way (and probably still is on her way to) building a new home for said kids. Figuratively building, that is, not literally. She's not also become a builder, unfortunately.

And then, blammo, out of nowhere, it happens – allegations of a sex tape start flying around. Allegations that put Britney in a position – or possibly numerous positions – on some tape, having some sex, with the scu… paparazzo man. Of all the people she'd decide to record herself shagging, why choose a journalistic parasite that is a member of the British paparazzi? hecklerspray knows full well that the girl has had some problems, but come on – she can't be that stupid can she?

Really?!

For now, at least, it would appear that the sex tape allegations are remaining exactly that – rumour, speculation and non-fact. Not that we'd begrudge watching Miss Spears engaging in the act, hair or no hair (on her head you sick freaks), but it's hard to feel anything but a weary sympathy for the girl. She really has been put through the wringer over the last couple of years. We all need to take a step back from the poor thing, let her recuperate and then really stick the boot back in.

Torture can be used for entertainment, it would seem.

At least Britney can rest easy in the fact that, if the tape does turn out to be real, she has carte blanche to run over Ghalib's feet as much as she wants. In a way. She'd definitely get our blessing for that courageous act, and it would certainly do a great deal to get her back to the realms of normality she so clearly craves, as well as potentially taking out one of those useless, cretinous, morons.

Now that Britney Spears is under the protective care of her parents again, hints about just how ill she was pre-hospitalisation have started to creep out.

And it's worse than it ever seemed – forget the string of public meltdowns, there's a chance that Britney Spears secretly got married to her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib last month.

Of course, nobody knows the truth and the marriage is void anyway because Adnan's already married, but getting married to Adnan Ghalib? Britney's lucky she only got sectioned after that – we'd have held her down and lobotomised her there and then if we'd have caught wind of it.

You might not think so now, but history will define Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib as the purest example of overwhelming love in creation. People will look back on Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib and think to themselves "Why can't I find myself a much older, married, shit-bearded paparazzo to follow me about spending my money when I'm emotionally vulnerable to the point of disability?"

You see, Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib have it all – they're young (well, one of them is), they're happy (well, one of them is), they took naked pictures of each other that they tried to sell for a million dollars (well, one of them did) and they talk in preposterous British accents all the time (well… no, actually they both do that).

But there was one little blip last month where Britney Spears dumped Adnan Ghalib and he rushed off to do as many tawdry tell-all interviews as possible and then they got back together pretty much the next day when Adnan's wife filed for a divorce.

What kicked that off? Was it that Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib got married in secret in Mexico, only for Britney to realise that Adnan was already married, break it off with him, pay him to hurry through a divorce and then get back together with him again? Seems so, as OK! reports:

The couple allegedly secretly wed while in Mexico last month but sources are saying the ceremony was illegal as boyfriend Adnan is still married. Reports in the Daily Star have said the couple hired private jets and security in Hawaii, Las Vegas and New York in an attempt to trick photographers away from Mexico. The secret ceremony apparently took place on January 9th followed by a night at the Rosarito Beach Hotel.  A source said, "While in Mexico, they went through a quickie marriage ceremony."  Britney, 26, was said to be fuming when she realised Adnan was still married and broke it off before allegedly slipping him £125,000 to help with the divorce proceedings.

It wasn't long after this that Britney Spears was carted off to the loony bin, and with good reason. In fact, we'd even go so far as to suggest that anyone who sees Adnan Ghalib's straggly little beard-worm and feel anything other than furious rage probably needs locking up too.

Of course, this all happened in the past. And now that Britney's dad is tightly controlling his daughter's life, nobody knows what the exact status is between Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib. Although now that Sam Lutfi isn't around to mash drugs into Britney's food, we're guessing that she's probably gone off him a bit.

Read more:

Could Britney be Married Again?  – OK! 

Britney Spears will soon undergo a court-enforced psychiatric test – officially it's to do with her kids, but we have a feeling it's because Britney's back with Adnan Ghalib again.

You know, Adnan Ghalib – the photographer who Britney Spears dumped a couple of days ago. The one who Britney Spears apparently took a restraining order out on. The one who tried to sell naked photos of Britney Spears to a newspaper. The one who just did a tell-all interview on TV about his time with Britney.

So, yes, Adnan Ghalib is back with Britney Spears. But at least he's finally got round to splitting up with his wife this time.

Britney Spears might be in the process of flushing her career and personal life down the crapper as fast as she can, but we'll give the girl this – she's world-class at picking really really impossibly awful men. Usually Kevin Federline would be a lifetime gold-standard career-high awful partner for any woman, but Britney Spears has dedicated herself to snaring a string of even less suitable boyfriends.

There was the drunken guitarist that Britney met in rehab, of course, and then that man who didn't mind when Britney barfed all over him, but they both pale into insignificance when compared to Adnan Ghalib.

And that's because neither of them have spent years aggressively stalking Britney Spears in order to try and take candid photos of her in exchange for cash like Adnan Ghalib has. And neither of them took a set of not-really naked Britney Spears pictures just so they could sell them to the highest bidder like Adnan Ghalib did. And neither of them are married like, well, you get the idea. 

On Monday we reported that Britney Spears had finally seen the error of her ways and split up with Adnan Ghalib. However, having realised that doing that would directly contravene the Britney Spears Batshit Law of 2005 stating that nothing Britney Spears must ever be allowed to even partially make sense, it turns out that she's got back together with him, as OK! reports:

Even though Britney Spears appeared to be rid of her photographer beau Adnan Ghalib, OK! can exclusively confirm that the troubled singer has rekindled her romance with the former paparazzo… Around 6:00pm PT on Tuesday, the pair were spotted leaving Taverna Tony's restaurant in Malibu. Hand-in-hand, they jumped into Britney's white Mercedes and off down the coast back toward L.A., smooching all the while.

However, just because Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib were only split up for about 45 milliseconds, it still gave Adnan time to scarper off down to the Entertainment Tonight studios to do a weird tell-all interview about his relationship with Britney…

But that's in the past and, coupled with the fact that Adnan's wife has just filed for divorce, it means Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib are all set to spend the rest of their lives together. Maybe they'll even get married. Let's hope so, because we honestly can't wait to hear Adnan's hip-hop album. We hear it'll be so good it'll make Y'All Ain't Ready look like PopoZao.

Read more:

Brit & Adnan Back Together! - OK! 

Britney Spears has broken up with her British paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib – possibly because she's just worked out that he's a paparazzo.

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let's feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she'd found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

Whatever area of Britney Spears' life you look at, you're sure to find a dirty great mess. Professionally? A half-arsed comeback performance and some equally half-arsed promotion for an album that sounds like it was performed by the speech program on an Amiga 500 have kicked that in the head.

Personally? Britney's family is too busy looking after her pregnant schoolgirl sister to pay her any attention, she's been banned from even seeing her own children – and now Britney Spears has split up with her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib too, leaving her with nobody to cry and babble and shriek at. What's a girl to do?

According to The Mirror, this is why Britney Spears finished with Adnan Ghalib:

Britney Spears has dumped Brit photographer lover Adnan Ghalib after furiously claiming he was exploiting her to boost his career. The break-up is so bitter she is alleged to have taken out a restraining order against the Brummie. Pop wreck Britney, 26, is fuming that she has been conned into appearing in photos for his paparazzi agency.

We're particularly upset about Britney Spears splitting up with Adnan Ghalib because we honestly thought that he was the one. He's certainly been the most high-profile of Briney's post-Federline boyfriends, easily blowing that bloke she puked over out of the water and knocking that man who says he filmed himself having sex with her into a cocked hat.

We don't know about you, girls, but Adnan certainly ticked all our boxes. He's tall, rich, has a speaking voice eerily similar to that of Adrian Chiles, and is prepared to shop naked pictures of his girlfriend around high-profile media outlets for his own financial gain. And Britney Spears split up with him? Britney Spears is an idiot.

But, really, how could a relationship between Britney Spears and a member of the paparazzi ever survive? It's exactly like Romeo and Juliet, only a version where Romeo makes his living by crouching down on pavements hoping that he'll be able to take a picture of Juliet getting out of a car without any knickers on and Juliet has a disturbing history of threatening to kill people with the same job as Romeo, and attacking their cars with umbrellas, and releasing singles exclusively about what a bunch of shits all of Romeo's colleagues are. But aside from that, it's probably identical.

And, yes, Romeo and Juliet does end with a suicide. So, like we said, probably identical.

Read more:

Britney Spears dumps Brit photographer Adnan Ghalib – Mirror