This isn’t so much of a bad advert as a “what the hell were they thinking?” advert.

As most people will know, The Flintstones was a programme for children, set in the time of the Stone Age. Because animators were lazy at the time, the same plotlines happened in The Jetsons, which was based in the future.

With the average age of a child watching The Flintstones about ten and under, you’d have thought Barney and Fred would be flogging sweets, army propaganda or toys. In a very odd twist, they are in fact puffing away on a Winston cigarette. Something that any sane parent wouldn’t give to their ickle child.

We know a couple of things about this advert:

A) It’s old. Look at it! There is no colour, so we have to assume it was made before God created colour, or prior to sweatshop colouring in camps being established in China.

B) The advert’s a bit rubbish. Think about it, have you ever had the privilege of puffing on a Winston? No, we haven’t and unless you’re a million years old, you won’t have heard of the product.

And what’s the conclusion of all of this? Cartoon characters aren’t actually real and things not done in colour are rubbish.

There are millions of disgusting things that make us want to vomit into our bowler hats.

For example, scraping dog poo off a shoe after accidentally stepping in a big steaming pile usually makes lunch’s burrito want to reappear.

Other unpleasant spectacles that we’d rather forget involve watching Kerry Katona giving birth on MTV, Kerry Katona getting her boobs inflated to a bigger size on MTV and hearing Kerry Katona in general on MTV. Now there’s a distinct chance there’s some non-arousing Kerry Katona porn doing the rounds. Probably not on MTV.

Sometimes we think Kerry Katona is a gift from the comedy gods who foretold the car crash lifestyle of a northern pop star. Seriously, each time we get word of a crazy Kerry Katona antic, we have to check and make sure it’s not April fool’s day all over again.

Think about it, would you constantly deny that you aren’t dependent on bottles of cheap cider to get you through the day, only to then tell the world that it’s actually true? Oh Kerry, you and your crazy antics, you really do make us chuckle and gush milk out of our noses.

Then there was the incident on This Morning. Turning up to interviews looking inebriated will not do your public profile much good. Though this didn’t seem to bother our Kerry much as the interview went something along these lines:

Fern Britton: “So Kerry, what is your millionth show on MTV about this time?”

Kerry Katona: “Baffffffffffertojjjjjjhhkklsszdnjrsykjsptgggggsgh jdrnhoinkesokpdjgdophjsgfgopfgop.”

For five or so painless minutes, this is what millions of tea-slurping, custard cream-munching members of the public had to endure. Well, we say endure, but actually we all laughed our tits off at someone who later had a go at the programme for letting her appear pissed. Sorry, we mean ‘wonky on medication’.

More recently, the entire world has had to panic over a possible Kerry Katona solo career relaunch. Despite only bleating a few songs with Atomic Kitten, she still holds on to that loose tag known as singer. However, this has been sidetracked slightly due to her marriage taking a massive blow. Due with her partner Mark Croft walking out on her and then making up a few days later this hasn’t helped on top of massive financial problems.

So what could make the situation better? A lottery win? A holiday away from it all? No! What about knowing that your own filthy sex acts have apparently been plastered across the internet for a lonely male to get overexcited over? Now Magazine reports:

“To Kerry’s horror, one such sex tape is now on the internet. Kerry, 28, is seen on film while a Northern-accented male voice is directing her to bare all. Kerry still has her public image to think of. If the sex tapes come out then she may lose her Iceland deal, which is the one thing that keeps her going.”

Unless this tape features her doing rude things with a frozen fish finger and a frozen turnip, we assume that Iceland won’t be overly happy with her crazy antics. Mums don’t go to Iceland to get their kicks! They go for guilt-free food shopping.

Still, if it does go tits up for Kerry, she can always make regular appearances in Readers Wives and other grot magazines.

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Normally, Disney World is a magical place where pixies float through the air on fluffy pink tufts of cotton candy, fairies bless each child with things like good fortune and longevity, and hat-wearing man-dogs do stuff too.

Sometimes though, the place is just a target for lawsuits that state it has religious undertones that persecute Muslims because of their head dress & facial scruff – and that’s just the women!

Disney of course denies all this – but it hasn’t stopped one young man from suing them on this very premise. He tried to get a job with them – and was denied because of his turban and facial hair.

Apparently, he didn’t apply for anything in the Aladdin department.

Sukhbir Channa is a man with a name that looks absolutely crazy when fully written out. He’s also a man who got denied employment at Disney World – and he is not pleased about it. To show his displeasure he’s forged a lawsuit in the fiery depths of Jahannum using nothing but molten ore, incredible heat, a pen, some paper and a lawyer.

TMZ reports:

“In his suit, Sukhbir Channa says when he applied for a job at Disney World in 2006, he was told his turban, beard, and long hair didn’t conform to the “Disney look”. Here’s the goofy part: just a few months before, in 2005, he says he marched as a toy soldier in a Disney parade with no problems– but then his turban was hidden by a big toy soldier hat.”

The suit is seeking $1,000,000 in damages to compensate for the several hours a week of minimum wage he probably would have made twirling a baton that had a set of mouse ears on each end. That would be enough to buy him a hot dog on park premises.

Disney was called to give the other side of the story, but he’s been dead for at least 50 years or something, and his previous phone number now belongs to a Taco Bell. We also tried calling the actual Disney corporation, but nobody here could figure out how to dial an area code.

Eventually our mother was called for a comment as her number is first on our contact list and therefore not difficult to dial. She said:

“Did you hear? Nanna fell again.”

Investigation is currently underway to determine if Disney somehow made our Nanna fall, because she too has a beard.

How many rap superstars have gone to prison in the past few years? 100? 200? Well we don’t have an exact count, but we heard that in Atlanta they make up more than half of the incarcerated population.

Further rumor has it that while in there they all join together making beautiful music banging tin coffee cups on their cell bars and slapping out dope beats by smacking soap-on-a-rope into the bare bottoms of their cell mates. It’s all melody they tell us.

And on the chain gang they sing into their pickaxes. It’s just what we heard.

Whatever stories you’ve heard about rappers in prison before – forget them. They pale in comparison to this one. That’s because this one involves Remy Ma getting smuggled a possible means of escape by her rhyme-loving groom.

Remy Ma fully intended to marry a baby Indian while in prison, and for some reason that baby Indian had every intention of marrying her back. It’s what we assume anyway. Technically the groom’s ethnicity and age really haven’t come up a lot, but he does refer to himself as Papoose and he only wears moccasins and feather-laden Mohawks. We can’t make this up.

OK we did make that up – but what we’re not fictionalising is that Papoose, a man, showed up at prison to marry Remy Ma, a woman. Remy was recently incarcerated, remember? It was for shooting some girl in the stomach, and she could have gotten up to 25 years for it – but she only just got sentenced to eight.

Papoose doesn’t care though, he knows it was just Remy’s finger that pulled the trigger – the rest of her would never dream of doing such a thing. That’s why he’s still engaged to her, and that’s also why he still loves her so much he’ll wait for her forever – even if it means only be able to make sweet, slow love to her through the US Postal Service, MSN Chat every Thursday from 2:15 – 2:30, or occasionally to the wads of spit she tries to send him out her prison window.

Most of that isn’t fact. What is fact though is that Papoose showed up to wed his betrothed in a ceremony probably complete with little cubes of prison meatloaf that had toothpicks stabbed into them. Also they likely had watery prison Jell-o in paper cups and an inmate-reverend with a piece of paper that says he discovered religion and got the power to marry folks in year five of his lock-up.

It gets better – when Papoose arrived to tie the knot – he brought a handcuff key to apparently free his woman. According to Daily News:

“A wedding was scheduled today and a visitor to that wedding service was found to be in possession of jail contraband so the wedding was canceled,” a correction official told the Daily News. “The key that was found today easily opened handcuffs that we and other law enforcement officials use,” the official said.”

Whether or not there were any post-break out plans is unknown. We assume Remy would have ditched the cuffs and hid in the back of a laundry truck while Papoose wore the appropriate uniform and drove her through the gates to a waiting helicopter with fake Mexican passports and a 50 pound bag of guano.

It’s because that stuff is worth money down in Mexico – brown gold they call it for short. Brown gold with specks of undigested-insect they call it for long.

Read More:

Update: Remy Ma’s Jail Wedding Called Off, Papoose Found With Handcuff Key – Six Shot

There you have it, folks – the title of the new X-Files movie is The X-Files: I Want To Believe, possibly short for The X-Files: I Want To Believe That You’ll Watch My Stupid Movie.

No, we’re just kidding. But only about the last bit. The movie really is going to be called The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It was made official by the studio on Wednesday and now we’re all stuck with it.

Worst of all, though, The X-Files: I Want To Believe doesn’t even offer the slightest clue about what the story is about. It’s hardly Zack And Miri Make A Porno in terms of descriptive merit, is it? We’ve seen the trailer, so let’s just hope that Chris Carter sees sense, takes our advice and calls it The X-Files: Look! It’s Billy Connolly Running Around In The Snow Looking A Bit Worried! Gosh!

If it gets to Christmas and people are complaining about another box office slump, we already know why. It’s because all films coming out this year have got such shit titles that people will either be too embarrassed to ask cinema staff for them or have too much self respect to give the movies foolish abbreviations like an Australian would.

Seriously. Try saying this out loud: “Two tickets for Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull please.” Do you have any idea of how much of a twat you just sounded? Now try this: “Two tickets for A Quantum Of Solace please.” Urgh. You massive ponce. And don’t think you’ll fare any better if you go and see the new X-Files movie, either.

That’s because, as we may have already said, the new X-Files movie title is The X-Files: I Want To Believe. Which is rubbish. That’s not a title of a scary sci-fi movie – that’s a slogan for an inspirational poster of a little buck-toothed girl in pigtails going all moon-eyed at a rainbow.

But, although it’s about as wishy-washy as a movie title can get without actually being called I See Magic In The Sparkle Of A Child’s Smile, X-Files creator Chris Carter has stuck with it, and now he’s telling us why. E! Online reports:

“It’s a natural title,” Carter told the Associated Press. “It’s a story that involves the difficulties in mediating faith and science. ‘I want to believe.’ It really does suggest Mulder’s struggle with his faith.” Awkward though the title may seem to the casual viewer, the newly announced name should be instantly recognizable to fans of the long-running TV series. “I Want to Believe” was the slogan that graced the UFO poster that hung in the basement office of FBI special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Phew, thank heavens for that – it’s based on a poster slogan. Actually, we hear it was a toss-up between The X-Files: I Want To Believe and The X Files: I Haven’t Had My Coffee Yet, Don’t Make Me Kill You but the first one sounded more the title of an R Kelly song, so they went with that.

But anyway, back to the movie itself. Now that we know the name of the new X-Files movie, we’ve put it together with what we learnt from the X-Files movie trailer and the plot details that Chris Carter had previously let slip and we think we’ve scientifically deduced what the film’s actually going to be about.

It’s going to be about aliens and ginger women and boringness. Mainly boringness.

You can thanks us later.

Read more:

X-Files Believes in New Title - E! Online

Last time hecklerspray got a crank call, it was an easy solve.

All we had to do was pull the string that was attached to our paper-cup earpiece and it lead us straight to Zac Efron’s mom. She was in our living room, even though clearly nobody would have let her in – after all she is a literal cow. It happened just like in Beastmaster, witches and all. Well that is certainly what it says on Zac’s Wikipedia page anyway – third paragraph down.

As we stood there watching Zac Efron’s cow mom scurry back to the field from whence she came, we couldn’t help but wonder how a major star, like say George Clooney, might handle an uncalled-for crank like that.

And the answer there is police involvement.

When George Clooney forced Danny Devito to go onto The View drunk, maybe he thought it’d be good for him. When he bravely almost fought Fabio with nothing but his bare hands and military-like strategy, it was because that too, would have been good for Danny Devito. Somehow.

One thing that is clearly not good for Danny Devito in any way, shape or form though is when Clooney get’s an anonymous voicemail that says:

"Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!"

Ol’ man Devito don’t need that no-how! When Clooney got the message he was pretty mad. He knew it wasn’t a prank from a friend, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. So he asked his driver to snoop all about it every which way. That's because most cabbies have an untapped skill of evidence gathering. The DMV tests them on that too. Also this particular driver is a well-connected cop who would stop at nothing until justice was served and George wreaked swift vengeance upon this one guy who dared to have a one-way conversation with his phone.

The copper wasn't a help, though, because the number went back to an untraceable pre-paid phone – keep on driving flat-foot! That crank caller ended up getting off scot-free.

Unlike Efron’s mom.

We’re going to tip her tonight.

Read More:

The New Yorker on George Clooney & That Voice Message Telling Him to Dump That Bitch Sarah Larson – The Bosh