What is the point of Adam Sandler? Sure, there was a time when his mongrel-like face, annoying laugh and humour as subtle as getting diarrhoea in a library was kind-of-okay and sorta charming, but now he’s officially gone too far.

That manchild routine may have been acceptable in the ’90s, but it’s 2011 and mass audiences will not put up with his crap anymore.

OK that’s a lie; his films always gross an obscene amount of money which convince people to finance his future films and leave those with any sort of taste weeping in the corner while trying to understand why the world is such a depressing place.

But before we get to how stupid everyone is for paying to see this sort of crap, lets talk about Just Go With It, Sandler’s newest romcom, which already has the distinction of being just as dreadful as Kate Hudson’s last cinematic abortion.

The film starts in the ’80s (and you know that because everyone has bad hair and big shoulderpads and clothes that looks like a sequin monster vomited all over them) when cardiologist Danny Maccabee (Sandler) finds out his fiance is only marrying him for his money.

Broken hearted, he sulks in a bar and whines about his problem to an exceedingly hot woman who wouldn’t spit on him were he on fire. She, SOMEHOW, is touched by his story and turned on by his ring that she takes him home for awful, awful sex.

This causes a little lightbulb to go off over his idiotic head and he switches to plastic surgery, gets himself a new schnoz and starts using his wedding ring (cue hideously lazy and completely out of date Gollum joke) to lure young, stupid girls into his bed.

Yes, this is our hero, the man we’re supposed root for, a man who basically uses his ring as rohypnol.

At a party thrown by a man who can’t control his face because he’s had so much work done (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) he meets, shags, then falls in love with Palmer (Brooklyn Decker), a school teacher who absolutely doesn’t look like a school teacher. But uh-oh, she finds his ring and because she’s so utterly perfect she refuses to date a married man and Danny has to come up with a scheme to justify his wedding ring.

Have you lost the will to live yet?

Luckily, he has a lovely assistant named Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) who agrees to play the part should he buy her some expensive shoes and get her a haircut because as a single mother to two annoying little shits, she doesn’t have time to make sure she looks sub-human before leaving the house. It’s at this point it’s made explicitly clear that expensive clothes make you more beautiful because Katherine gets hot overnight simply by taking off her glasses and lab coat.

She accidentally slips about the two brats she owns and now they have to pretend to be his kids too. As if it couldn’t get any worse, they decide to go on a big holiday to Hawaii. Honestly why even go on? Just grab whatever might be a little bit sharp and start scratching away at your limbs.

So, just so we’re clear, these are all the things that have happened so far:

• Danny is supposed to be loveable when in fact he’s a lying cunt who preys on young women with self-esteem so low they’d let him put his penis wherever he likes.
• Palmer is a holier-than-thou school teacher who doesn’t believe in infidelity but will gladly sleep with a man she just met and parade around with her jugs spilling out.
• Jennifer Aniston pretends to be dowdy by having her hair in a ponytail and pimps out her children for some shoes.
• We’re expected to believe that after one night Danny and Palmer are in love and she’s prepared to put up with this crap even though they have NOTHING in common.

The action goes to Hawaii for no reason other than to have Aniston and Decker walk around in bikinis in slow motion. Honestly, it would’ve been less obvious for placards to appear on screen saying “YOU WILL NEVER BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THESE PEOPLE”. Let’s not talk about the idiot they rope in to be Katherine’s partner or the daughter who insists on speaking in a cockney accent or the fact that it’s impossible to care about any of these people because they are all so dreadful.

Nicole Kidman rocks up to provide a few laughs but as soon as a man (who turns out to be gay) picks up a coconut with his arse it all gets upsetting again. Sandler, enough of this. The greatness of The Wedding Singer cannot erase crap like this and it’s time to leave the industry of making films forever!

Avoid Just Go With It like the plague. In fact, getting the plague and using your last days to pick scabs off would be much more fun that this soulless tripe created to make rich people richer.

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Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray's reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself).

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise.

Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

Among those branding this charade a 'sickening backlash' are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We're sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education.

Sorry. We meant to say 'shopping'. She was busy 'shopping'.

It hasn't just been the aforementioned video that's been irritating the Cruiser of late. Biographer Andrew Morton has released a controversial new book about Tommy-boy, which makes all sorts of sensational allegations, the most shocking of which states that – yes – he actually did think Days Of Thunder was a film worth making.

Professional gurner Adam Sandler yakked that:

"To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening. It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband and a great friend."

Dustin Hoffman, meanwhile, reckons that:

"Tom Cruise is an American and has the right to freedom of speech and freedom of religion." 

And Ben Stiller really doesn't like those rumours about Katie Holmes being knocked up by an old cult leader:

"Imagine
having a baby and people talking about it the way they did. People lose
sight of the fact that Tom Cruise is actually a person. I feel for him."

The most baffling thing about all of this, however, is that no-one has used the really obvious defence: wouldn't you be a little mixed-up if your soul had been trapped in a volcano millions of years ago?

Honestly, from the way some people are talking, you'd start to think that Tom Cruise was some emotionally needy, none-too-bright narcissist who'd latched onto a con-job fake religion in order to deal with a number of troubling personal issues.

Which is obviously untrue.

Read More:

ADAM SANDLER – STARS DEFEND 'GREAT DAD' CRUISE – Contactmusic