Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?

What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.

That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.

We’re pleased to announce that the war is finally over. After banning him from Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, ABC has finally lifted its ban on Adam Lambert. True, Adam Lambert might have caused outrage at the American Music Awards by trying to push his tongue so far down his keyboardist’s throat that we thought he was trying to fish out a semi-digested HobNob out of his small intestine, but ABC knows that time – plus the growing sensation that it might be starting to look like someone’s reactionary old uncle – is a great healer.

And that’s why Adam Lambert was allowed on The View yesterday. It was a potentially dangerous situation – it was risky letting Adam appear on a show presented by four obviously gay men, for starters – but any danger was removed by the act of taping the interview prior to transmission. So, while the interview may have contained moments where Adam Lambert shoved a ball-gag into a cameraman’s mouth, or gave a producer the teabagging of his life, or performed an impromptu version of Don’t Rain On My Parade in a bikini made of flamingo feathers, it was all edited out.

And what remained was a lovely chat designed to show America what a lovely boy Adam Lambert can be when he’s not trying to gouge your eye out with his nutsack. EW reports:

When Lambert came out, he said with a laugh, “Protect your children, people!”… While he acknowledged that his AMA appearance was “a little bit lewd” and that he was “experimenting with imagery and performance style,” he admitted that in the future, he’d probably “stay more consistent to the rehearsal” of any TV performance.

From Adam Lambert’s point of view, his appearance couldn’t have gone any better. He didn’t back down or apologise, he seemed to win the majority of the audience over and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even try to stab him in the throat with a pen for being a Godless sodomite once. That alone is quite impressive. We heard that she’s killed for less.

Actually we haven’t heard that at all, but she’s just got that look about her, hasn’t she?

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Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.

Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.

That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.

Forget Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Forget the Berlin wall coming down. This, truly, is the greatest day for equality in all of history. That’s right – Adam Lambert is going to appear on a mediocre daytime TV show hosted by a gang of awful screeching women. Take that, bigots!

Oh, the road that Adam Lambert has walked to get to this point. After kissing a man in the face at the American Music Awards a few weeks ago, Adam Lambert was cast out into the television wilderness. Good Morning America banned him. Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve banned him. The Early Show didn’t ban him, but it did blur out the offending kiss in case the sight of it suddenly turned everyone quite gay.

This wasn’t just a vendetta against Adam Lambert. This was a vendetta against all men who’ve come second in talent shows and then mimed oral sex on a man during a song about S&M on a live television awards show. And, deep down, isn’t that all of us?

However, it turns out that ABC looks like the bad guy here. By banning Adam Lambert from all of its shows, ABC was exposing itself to accusations of homophobia, and that’d never do – after all, ABC broadcasts Desperate Housewives, a TV show starring Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria and two other gay men. Banning Adam Lambert was doing the network’s public image no good at all. So a compromise has been reached – Adam Lambert will appear on The View on Thursday. The Washington Post reports:

Lambert is scheduled to sing on the network’s daytime yakker “The View” on Thursday. That’s the day after Lambert talks with Babs Walters on ABC’S “10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.” Only, unlike three other planned Lambert performances that ABC has canceled in recent days, this week’s performance was taped in advance. This gives ABC time to surgically remove any naughty bits.

Taping Adam Lambert’s appearance in advance is an extremely smart move – not only will it filter out any of Adam’s risque moments, but it’ll also give ABC the chance to edit out the bit where Adam Lambert gets too close to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her head starts involuntarily spinning around and spitting acid everywhere. Everyone’s a winner.

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Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.

It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!

There’s a sick discrimination at the heart of television when it comes to homosexuality. Look at the contrasting treatment of Meredith Baxter and Adam Lambert. Their stories are incredibly similar – Meredith Baxter came out by furtively holding a middle-aged lady’s hand on a lovely cruise, and Adam Lambert came out by skull-bonking a man during a song about graphic sadomasochism on live TV. There’s literally no difference between them whatsoever. And yet the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the media couldn’t be more different.

Meredith Baxter got a high-profile TV interview to discuss her lesbianism – but Adam Lambert? Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. ABC is actively banning him from as many of its shows as possible. It already scrubbed a scheduled Adam Lambert performance from Good Morning America, and now it looks like he’s been given the shove from Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. What next? Will he be banned from appearing on The View? Will Adam Lambert never get to film his cameo as Richard Alpert‘s life partner on Lost?

It’s a mess, but at least GLAAD still has Adam Lambert’s back, right Los Angeles Times?

“It would appear that the kiss between Adam Lambert and his keyboardist did not factor into ABC’s decision,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of GLAAD. “ABC has a history of positive gay and transgender inclusion that includes featuring kisses between gay and lesbian couples on-air.”

That just seems silly. ABC’s fear we can understand – what if Adam Lambert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live swaddled in goose fat, and the sight of it instantly turned Jimmy Kimmel gay, and as a result Jimmy Kimmel got even partially naked? The three people who watch the show would never be the same again – but GLAAD siding with a broadcaster over Adam Lambert seems a little confusing.

But this is just a blip, we’re sure. All this will die down and, so long as he stays true to his principles, Adam Lambert will find a way out of this. Incidentally, Adam Lambert’s new single I Like Holding Hands With Girls (And Fishing And Bowling And Other Wholesome Boy Activities) will be released as soon as is humanly possible.

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After stealing the show – and possibly his keyboard player’s tonsils – at the AMAs, Adam Lambert has polarised the world.

So which side are you on? Is Adam Lambert a disgusting personification of humanity’s slow disintegration? Or is he a shining beacon in the fight for sexual equality? Or is he a slightly annoying chap with a silly haircut and a voice like a distressed goat who you suspect would lop off his own genitals with a meat cleaver for even the merest hint of attention? We just don’t know. It’s definitely the last one, but we just don’t know.

So maybe Adam Lambert’s mother know. Yes, let’s ask her. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Anyone?

The mother/child dynamic has a certain number of rules that should never be broken. For instance, rule number one is that the child should always be embarrassed by the mother. It doesn’t matter how – maybe the mother still insists on wiping the child’s face with a spitty tissue, or maybe the mother likes nothing more than showing baby photos of the child’s ridiculous infant testicles to everyone she meets – but that’s rule number one anyway.

Start playing with that rule – by, say, making the child embarrass the mother by performing a slightly rubbish song on television and then ending it by almost asphyxiating his keyboardist to death with his gay face and tongue – and you’re asking for trouble. Mess with rule number one and you put all the other mother/child rules – the rule about the child feeling bad for never calling the mother, the rule about the mother secretly resenting the child for growing up – in jeopardy too. You don’t mess with the rules. You just don’t.

Adam Lambert, though, cares not for rules. If he wants to gay-kiss the pants off a boy on TV, that’s what he’s going to do. It doesn’t matter if Good Morning America bans him or The Early Show blurs out his face in an effort to quell an uprising of gay hysteria. It doesn’t even matter if it makes his mother feel a little bit awkward – that’s just Adam Lambert. It did make his mother feel a little bit awkward, as it turns out. MTV reports:

“He always wanted to entertain, even just in our family, so he took it a few steps further. It’s my kid. He’s doing great. He is entertaining everyone, including me,” she said. “You know, I was a little taken aback, but I just went with the flow, and it’s all good.”

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what Adam Lambert’s mother thought about the performance, because kissing a man on TV has helped him to sell hundreds of thousands of copies of his new album. Although maybe we should keep that quiet, because Ringo Starr‘s got a new album coming out in January and, you know, bleurgh.

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So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.

But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.

You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.

And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:

An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.

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It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’

We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.

GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.

GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Great Man-On-Man Action’ – has found itself with some explaining to do. And it’s all Adam Lambert’s fault. You’ll remember that the most shocking thing to happen at the American Music Awards on Sunday wasn’t the fact that Michael Jackson won several awards that he wasn’t strictly eligible for, or the fact that some spoilsports removed footage of Jennifer Lopez falling on her bottom – it was Adam Lambert kissing a man on the mouth.

Adam Lambert’s gay kiss has so far provoked 1,500 separate complaints – much more than when Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the MTV awards in 2003, and that was arguably more disgusting because Madonna’s got a neck like a chicken gizzard – which in turn has made some TV shows a little jumpy when it comes to giving him airtime. One of these shows is GMA, which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Gimp Masks Ahoy’.

GMA - which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Give Me Analsex’ – yesterday decided to pull an Adam Lambert performance that was scheduled for this morning, on the basis that he might continue to offend viewers with his lewd homosexuality. And by doing so, the show has managed to blunder its way to the forefront of an escalating debate about sexual equality, as MSNBC reports:

“Obviously, I respect their decision — they gotta do what they gotta do,” Lambert said Tuesday. “It’s too bad — I think there were a lot of fans who were excited to come see me.”… The GMA Web site was flooded with comments from viewers about the Lambert cancellation. Some applauded ABC for taking a stand against vulgarity, while others suggested the network was being homophobic.

It seems like a silly move by GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘God My Arse’ – because not only has it given Adam Lambert even more publicity than he would have otherwise received, but because now it looks like the bad guy. Now GMA looks like Carrie Prejean. That means that it’s only a matter of time before GMA paints itself orange and stars in a series of degrading solo sex tapes. Is that something you want? Is it?

And, regardless of what you think of Adam Lambert, you can’t deny that he’s done very well out of all this. His profile has been raised exponentially since the kiss, and he still get to perform on TV this morning, anyway. The Early Show has offered him a spot, and he’s accepted.

The Early Show, by the way, runs on CBS, which everybody knows stands for ‘Creepy Bum Sex’.

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You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.

Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.

Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.

Did you see Adam Lambert’s performance of For Your Entertainment on Sunday night’s American Music Awards? It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. It sounded like Dame Shirley Bassey covering Womanizer by Britney Spears. Honestly, we’ve never been so offended by anything in all our lives. It was such a shameless rip-off of the current fad for electro-Glitterbeat pop music that we felt dirty afterwards. We had to go and wash ourselves. It was disgusting.

Oh, plus Adam Lambert kissed a man at the end. That was interesting too.

Except it turns out that Adam Lambert’s gay kiss garnered 1,500 complaints from irate viewers, making it easily the most offensive thing to happen on the night. And that must be pretty offensive, because the Black Eyed Peas won an award that night, and that’s easily one of the most offensive things we’ve ever heard.

However, Adam Lambert kissed a man on TV and a lot of people got angry as a result – after all, Adam Lambert is the first gay pop star in history – so he needed to respond to the outcry. The done thing here would be for Adam Lambert to follow the Mel Gibson situation aversion model and apologise, then apologise to a leader of the heterosexual community and finally go off to rehab until he starts liking girls. But, no, this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He always has to be different. So what did he do? The Chicago Tribune reports:

“People are scared, and it’s really sad. I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things. It’s all for a laugh — it’s really not that big of a deal.” If you didn’t like it, tough cookies, Lambert told “Access Hollywood”: “I believe in artistic freedom and expression. I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either.”

That’s not strictly true – if Adam Lambert really believed in honouring the lyrics of a song so much, then his American Idol rendition of Ring Of Fire would have climaxed with him dousing his anus in petrol and then torching it – but he’s got a point. A boy kissed a boy – big whoop.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone tell us that Adam Lambert was gay? If only there had been some clue about his sexuality before now. We’re stunned.

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OK, that’s it. Adam Lambert has had enough of the speculation. He’s going to put an end to this right now.

For weeks, Adam Lambert has been forced to endure all kinds of unwanted media speculation over his sexuality. And now he’s reached the end of his tether. Nobody should suffer the torment he’s been put through. And that’s why, on the cover of Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has stated once and for all that he definitely isn’t gay.

Wait, what? Adam Lambert said he is gay? Really? But that doesn’t make any sense! His nail varnish is so masculine!

Just a hunch here, but we have a feeling that the next issue of Rolling Stone is going to feature a bear on the cover, along with the headline ‘Hey, I Just Did This Excellent Crap! Over There, In The Woods! Look, It’s Next To My Friend The Pope! He’s A Catholic! Did You Know That?’

Why? Because Rolling Stone has just officially outed Adam Lambert as a gay man. Let’s get straight to the quote, shall we? Adam Lambert told Rolling Stone:

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler. I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context. I’m proud of my sexuality. It’s just another part of me.”

Now, yes, look, congratulations to Adam Lambert for having the guts to stand up and out himself on his own terms like that, but we can’t help feeling that he’s making a terrible mistake here.

What set Adam Lambert apart from his American Idol counterparts was his aura of mystery. Was he gay? Was he straight? Sure, he might have already been outed once and he’s openly got a boyfriend and any fool with the internet can easily access pictures of him kissing boys with tongues and everything he’s ever done, said or thought in public has been unquestionably informed by the fact that he’s a gay man – but who could really say for sure, huh?

We suppose what annoys us most about Adam Lambert’s admission that he’s gay is that it’s in direct violation of rock star tradition. Everybody knows that before a singer can admit to being gay he first needs to first 1) embark upon an awkward, loveless marriage with a female employee, 2) record a zany duet with Kiki Dee and then 3) hint at his homosexuality by claiming that, rather than seeing people as gay or straight, he prefers to think of human sexuality as a sliding scale of endless permutations.

What we’re trying to say is that Adam Lambert has gypped us out of his zany duet with Kiki Dee. And we’re not sure that we’ll be able to forgive him for that.

It now remains to be seen whether or not Adam Lambert’s gay admission will affect his level of fame. To be honest, we can’t see it happening – it doesn’t matter what he does, to us Adam Lambert will always be that bloke who couldn’t even win American Idol. And long may he reign.

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There’s a question around Adam Lambert. A big question. A big, throbbing, veiny question. But not for much longer.

Ever since he first stepped into his initial American Idol audition, speculation has gone wild over one aspect of Adam Lambert’s life. It’s divided fans, galvanised the media and made him the most electrifying American Idol contestant for years. That question, of course, is this – what does Adam Lambert put in his hair? Seriously, that ‘do is fierce.

And Adam Lambert has promised that he’ll reveal all in his forthcoming Rolling Stone cover story. Or maybe his boyfriend will answer instead.

Look, we’re not going to beat around the bush here – there might be a chance that Adam Lambert is gay. We know, we know – that news probably comes as a shocking and completely unexpected bombshell to you. But we simply can’t rule out the fact that a small percentage of Adam Lambert might possibly be slightly gay.

What are we basing this on? It’s hard for us to put our finger on. It might be the sensitive inflection in Adam Lambert’s rendition of Tracks Of My Tears. It could be the care he takes over his uniformly resplendent wardrobe. It might be the way that Adam Lambert has got a boyfriend and has been seen out in public with his boyfriend and can widely be seen kissing boys with tongues on the internet and was recently outed on television by an American Idol judge. Or it might be easily-wounded soulful glint in his eye.

In retrospect, though, it’s probably because, when Adam Lambert sang Ring Of Fire on American Idol, he couldn’t have made it any more about bumholes if he’d actually emerged onto the set through a giant prosthetic sphincter. Yes, that’s probably it.

But because he knows that the general public at large will be shocked – shocked! – to learn that someone from the gruff, macho, definitely 100% heterosexual world of musical theatre-based pop music might potentially be a tiny bit gay, Adam Lambert has done the decent thing and forewarned us all that he’s about to reveal everything about himself in an upcoming issue of Rolling Stone. People reports:

Although he’s encouraged people to keep speculating about his sexuality, Adam Lambert now says, “all your questions will be answered” in an upcoming issue of Rolling Stone. “Finally,” he said at the 11th Annual Young Hollywood Awards Sunday in Santa Monica, where he was named artist of the year. “Once and for all” he’ll speak directly about the topic.

Did you hear that? Adam Lambert is going to answer all of our questions about him! This is so exciting! If that’s the case, forget all those boring ‘is he gay or isn’t he?’ questions – here’s what we really want to know about Adam Lambert:

1 - What’s Adam Lambert’s favourite colour?

2 – What does Adam Lambert like best, kittens or puppydogs?

3 - Why does Adam Lambert stick his tongue out like that when he sings?

4 - Seriously, why? It looks like he’s trying to hack up a hairball or something. It looks silly. Does Adam Lambert even know how silly he looks when he does it?

5 - Well, does he?

But still, it looks like the subject that Adam Lambert wants to focus on is his sexuality. And thank heavens for that, because once that’s all out in the open we can focus on the real story of American Idol – Kris Allen: is he really a lesbian part-eunuch goat? Let the witch hunt begin!

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Oh God. Adam Lambert, you’re a disgrace. A disgusting disgrace and a total affront to humanity. You make us ill.

How could you, Adam Lambert? How could you – we can barely bring ourselves to say this – dance in the same club as Ryan Phillippe‘s stupid face? We don’t mind you dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe behind closed doors, but going out and rubbing our noses in the fact that you enjoy dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe? Ugh, Adam Lambert. Ugh.

Incidentally, Adam Lambert was there dancing with a man. Apparently he’s gay or something.

We think we’ve got it. We think we know why Adam Lambert was such a sensation on American Idol. It’s because he was the first contestant for years to have any kind of mystique. Usually American Idol contestants fall over themselves to reveal every single vaguely tragic episode that’s ever happened to in a hapless bid to inspire pity in the viewers, but not Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert liked to keep things secret.

Chief among the secrets was the issue of Adam Lambert’s sexuality. Was Adam Lambert straight or gay? The answer, clearly, was ‘Who cares? And why am I watching this rubbish, anyway? I think it’s giving me a stroke’ – but the subtle clues were there if you wanted to look hard enough. The clues included Adam Lambert’s love of flamboyance, his unabashed ability to freely emote, the internet pictures of him kissing men, the fact that he’s actually got a boyfriend and the way that an American Idol judge has openly admitted that Adam Lambert is gay.

He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma in a conundrum bag, that Adam Lambert.We’ll never get to the bottom of him.

And on Monday night, as Adam Lambert was photographed flirtatiously holding the hand of a male interior designer by the name of Drake LaBry on the way to a Hollywood nightclub, the mystery deepened even further. Is Adam Lambert gay? The truth is we just don’t know. MTV reports:

The photos of Lambert and LaBry holding hands as they left the club lit up the Internet on Tuesday, and one unnamed onlooker said the pair were “dancing very closely together, very flirtatious inside”. Ryan Phillippe and girlfriend actress Abbie Cornish were also reportedly smooching in a booth near Lambert and LaBry. Another anonymous gawker told the magazine, “It was cute to see two couples — one gay and one straight — acting the same and nobody caring!”

Damn it Adam Lambert, why do you insist on being so sexually ambiguous? Yes, you were holding hands with an interior designer called Drake LaBry and dancing closely with him in a club, but that doesn’t prove anything. Drake LaBry is about as butch a name as you could ever wish to hear, and interior designing is the exclusive pursuit of the relentlessly masculine. And Adam Lambert might have been holding his hand because Hollywood is a big place and he didn’t want Drake to wander off and get lost.

And maybe Adam Lambert was dancing so close to Drake because Drake suffers from a rare kind of agoraphobia that makes him terrified if he’s not sharing constant over-the-jeans genital-to-buttock contact with another person. See? This mystery is so deep we couldn’t hope to ever penetrate it.

When will you give us the conclusive answer we deserve, Adam Lambert? And by ‘conclusive proof’ we mean ‘internet video of it going in’. WHEN?

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Even though American Idol finished long ago, one question remains. That question is ‘Seriously? No Boundaries? What were they thinking?’

Oh, and the other question is ‘Is Adam Lambert gay?’ It’s still a hot topic of conversation – in fact, internet research shows that when it comes to things that are nobody’s business about a man we’ll never hear about again from a TV show that’s already ended, Adam Lambert’s sexuality is one of the highest-trending subjects.

At least that was before Kara DioGuardi inadvertently told everyone watching The View that Adam Lambert is as gay as can be yesterday. Whoops.

In all of television history, there’s never been an individual quite as tragic as Kara DioGuardi. Cursed from birth to resemble the photographer from Just Shoot Me so closely that people routinely approach her to say how much they loved her bitpart as The Murderer in AI, becoming the fourth judge on American Idol was supposed to be Kara’s big break.

In reality, though, it’s been one giant mess after another. First Kara Dioguardi started fighting with Simon Cowell, then she started fighting with Paula Abdul, then she wrote the American Idol winning single No Boundaries – an improbably bad car-crash of a song that sounds like a direct amalgamation of all the music from every single tacky aftershave commercial from the 1980s, only worse – and now it’s time for her to put the cherry on the cake. The gay cherry on the cake of humiliating indiscretion, that is.

We’re talking, of course, about Adam Lambert. Throughout American Idol Adam Lambert has tried to keep his sexuality as ambiguous as possible, in that he’s never explicitly declared himself to be gay even though he interprets all of his songs like a man desperate to elbow his way onto the Caligula soundtrack and he’s probably got a boyfriend. But Adam Lambert’s refusal to state his sexuality is his choice, and that choice should be respected by everyone.

Everyone except for Kara DioGuardi, that is, because she went on The View yesterday and blew the whole stinking thing wide open. MSNBC reports:

Barbara Walters asked if she felt Lambert’s perceived sexuality had an impact on “Idol” voters. “I don’t think that Adam was ever in (the closet),” [Kara replied] “I think he was always openly out.” Walters reportedly pressed DioGuardi about her comment that Lambert “was always openly out.” “I think he was,” DioGuardi answered. “I mean, from what I’ve seen … I do. I never thought he wasn’t.”

There’s no word about how Adam Lambert reacted to this sudden outing by Kara DioGuardi, but we can’t imagine that he’ll be pleased – after all, Adam’s deliberate mystique over his sexuality is just about the only thing keeping him from second-place obscurity right now, and Kara’s clumsiness has probably just put an end to that. That means, in effect, that Kara DioGuardi has turned Adam Lambert into the new Justin Guarini.

And that’s a nightmare. Have you ever tried to accessorise a pair of shoes with a haircut like Justin’s? Nightmare.

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During American Idol, Adam Lambert has kept one aspect of his life deliberately ambiguous. But today we can blow that secret wide open.

We can barely bring ourselves to tell you this. It’s controversial, but Adam Lambert is… Adam Lambert is a fan of Bloomin’ Onions. Adam Lambert made his disgusting, perverted Bloomin’ Onion fetish appallingly public when he dined at an Outback Steakhouse with what might be his boyfriend recently. Call us old-fashioned bigots if you like, but in our opinion eating an entire deep-fried onion is both depraved and unnatural.

That is what this story is about, right?

It’s the American Idol final this week. And for the first time in ages, the American Idol final represents something more than mediocre singer vs mediocre singer or, as was the case in the first season, fat woman vs crap-haired tossbandit. No, this year American Idol is a battle between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen – a man who might be gay vs a man who could also feasibly be gay on account of his stupid puppydog eyes and girl’s voice.

But let’s focus on Adam Lambert. During our endless, endurance-testing American Idol recaps it’s become clear that Adam Lambert possibly has the most vocal, enthusiastic gang of supporters of any American Idol contestant ever. They even call him the new Elvis Presley, unaware that the comparison means he’ll die an obese mess in 20 years while trying to shake a bus-sized turd out of his anus.

However, there’s one thing that might stop Adam Lambert from winning American Idol. And that’s not the fact that he occasionally sings like a dolphin in a microwave – it’s because he might be gay. Possibly.

Despite all the speculation, Adam Lambert likes to keep his sexuality close to his chest – in that he literally couldn’t look any gayer if he performed I’m Every Woman in the American Idol final while dressed as everyone from The Village People at once in a set made to resemble Hampstead Heath, but he hasn’t actually admitted anything yet. Would announcing his homosexuality hurt Adam Lambert’s chances of winning American Idol? We’ll find out this week, because that’s apparently what he’s done. The New York Daily News reports:

“American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert wasn’t coy about his love life when he and other “AI” contestants got together the other night at Burbank’s Outback Steakhouse. Lambert called the dude with him “my boyfriend,” says a spy.

So is that conformation? It’s hard to say – Adam Lambert might have reportedly referred to his companion as ‘my boyfriend’ but, on the other hand, aren’t gay people supposed to have good taste? And isn’t eating at a garish quesadilla-heavy Australian-themed chain restaurant the exact scientific opposite of good taste? Maybe this isn’t as concrete as we thought.

All we know is, even if Adam Lambert does turn out to be gay, it’s hardly going to tear apart the fabric of American Idol, is it? Which is a shame, really, because we genuinely can’t overstate how much that show annoys us.

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