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Adam Lambert Goes On The View, Doesn’t Bum Anyone

December 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?

What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.

That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.

Adam Lambert To Be As Gay As He Likes On ABC Again

December 8th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.

Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.

That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.

Adam Lambert Gets Banned From The Whole World Forever

December 4th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.

It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!

Adam Lambert’s Big Gay Snog: But What Does His Mother Think?

November 27th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

After stealing the show – and possibly his keyboard player’s tonsils – at the AMAs, Adam Lambert has polarised the world.

So which side are you on? Is Adam Lambert a disgusting personification of humanity’s slow disintegration? Or is he a shining beacon in the fight for sexual equality? Or is he a slightly annoying chap with a silly haircut and a voice like a distressed goat who you suspect would lop off his own genitals with a meat cleaver for even the merest hint of attention? We just don’t know. It’s definitely the last one, but we just don’t know.

So maybe Adam Lambert’s mother know. Yes, let’s ask her. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Anyone?

CBS Blurs Out Adam Lambert’s Roving Man-Tongue

November 26th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

Adam Lambert: Now Far Too Gay For Good Morning America

November 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’

We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.

GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.

AMAs: Hang On, Is Adam Lambert Gay?

November 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.

Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.

Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.

What? Adam Lambert Is Gay? How Is That Even Possible?

June 10th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

OK, that’s it. Adam Lambert has had enough of the speculation. He’s going to put an end to this right now.

For weeks, Adam Lambert has been forced to endure all kinds of unwanted media speculation over his sexuality. And now he’s reached the end of his tether. Nobody should suffer the torment he’s been put through. And that’s why, on the cover of Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has stated once and for all that he definitely isn’t gay.

Wait, what? Adam Lambert said he is gay? Really? But that doesn’t make any sense! His nail varnish is so masculine!

Adam Lambert To Reveal What Sort Of Girl He Likes, Or Something

June 9th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s a question around Adam Lambert. A big question. A big, throbbing, veiny question. But not for much longer.

Ever since he first stepped into his initial American Idol audition, speculation has gone wild over one aspect of Adam Lambert’s life. It’s divided fans, galvanised the media and made him the most electrifying American Idol contestant for years. That question, of course, is this – what does Adam Lambert put in his hair? Seriously, that ‘do is fierce.

And Adam Lambert has promised that he’ll reveal all in his forthcoming Rolling Stone cover story. Or maybe his boyfriend will answer instead.

Adam Lambert Holds A Bloke’s Hand: World Gets All Like “Whaaaa?”

June 3rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Oh God. Adam Lambert, you’re a disgrace. A disgusting disgrace and a total affront to humanity. You make us ill.

How could you, Adam Lambert? How could you – we can barely bring ourselves to say this – dance in the same club as Ryan Phillippe‘s stupid face? We don’t mind you dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe behind closed doors, but going out and rubbing our noses in the fact that you enjoy dancing in the same club as Ryan Phillippe? Ugh, Adam Lambert. Ugh.

Incidentally, Adam Lambert was there dancing with a man. Apparently he’s gay or something.