Why? Because Rachael Ray will only be happy when the charred remains of the western world are enslaved by evil democracy-shunning, freedom-hating Arabs. This is a well-established fact.

How do we know this? Because Rachael Ray was recently seen in a Dunkin’ Donuts advert wearing a scarf that, if you get far enough away from it and squint, looks vaguely like the kind of thing that Yasser Arafat used to wear, even though it’s flowery and made of silk. What that means is that Rachael Ray is the worst kind of terrorist bitch from hell and should probably be executed in public for her implied beliefs. Or so we’re told.

Here’s a little-known fact – if you eat, or have ever eaten, a doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts, then you’re just as bad as those people who flew planes into the World Trade Centre. It’s true because a bunch of crackpot conservative bloggers and someone who works for Fox News said so, and none of them have ever been wrong about anything.

Perhaps we should explain. A few months ago Rachael Ray – the daytime lifestyle TV show host and author of Rachael Ray’s 30-Minute Meals for Kids: Cooking Rocks! – signed up to become the face of Dunkin’ Donuts. However, little did Dunkin’ Donuts know that Rachael Ray was going to use her position working for the company as a platform to preach her pro-terrorist hatred to the unsuspecting masses.

Well, not ‘preach’ exactly – what Rachael Ray actually did was wear a scarf in one advert that looks slightly like a keffiyeh, a traditional headscarf worn by Arab men. And that, as any conservative blogger will tell you, is worse than blowing yourself up on a crowded commuter train. First blogger Pam Geller ran a story with the headline ‘Rachel [sic] Ray: Dunkin Donuts Jihad Tool’ which read:

“Have you seen Rachel [sic] Ray wearing the icon of Yasser Arafatbastard and the bloody Islamic jihad? This is part of the cultural jihad.”

And such was the force of the berserk backlash against Rachael Ray for doing such a profoundly anti-American activity as keeping her neck warm that Dunkin’ Donuts, fearful of the number of reactionary spazzes who eat their doughnuts dropping slightly, pulled the advert immediately. ABC News reports:

Dunkin’ Donuts issued a statement from Margie Myers, senior vice president of communications for Dunkin’ Brands: “In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by the stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, as of this past weekend, we are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

To further prove that it hates terrorists as much as everyone else, Dunkin’ Donuts is now rushing to launch its new super patriotic Red White & Blueberry doughnut, which comes wearing a cowboy hat, has the lyrics to every Bruce Springsteen song iced onto it and is filled with the delicious blood of anti-American dissidents.

But Rachael Ray isn’t going to get away so lightly. As well as agreeing to wear the keffiyeh-style flowery scarf, it’s also been revealed that if you buy a copy of her book Rachael Ray 365: No Repeats: A Year of Deliciously Different Dinners and read the fifth letter of every third word on the seventh line of each page that’s a multiple of six, Rachael Ray spells out a complex series of bomb-making instructions that includes where to buy the components and details of where and when to hit to hit hit traffic and commerce infrastructures the hardest. Seriously, try it.

In other news, Martha Stewart’s recent decision to advertise her Martha Stewart Collection 6-Piece Multi-Colour Melamine Bowl Set by dressing up in a KKK hood and screaming “White power!” at the top of her voice has been shelved indefinitely.

What kind of story do you tell your kids?

The one about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, maybe? The timeless tale of Jack And The Beanstalk? Or that really silly, utterly implausible one about the guy who created the entire Earth in six days, can read your thoughts at all times and will strike you down with lightening if you touch your winky too much?

All very good. But none – none – are up to the standard of the Curtain Factory Outlet parable, as recited by this mother to a bewildered youngster.

Nice to see Matt Dillon still getting work, eh?

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

In the ad, ‘ignition interlocks are a good idea for’ is written above a Lindsay Lohan mugshot, taken from one of her previous DUI arrests, and ‘but a bad idea for us’ is written above photos of other folk drinking.

They are suggesting the legislation is fine for the more alleged ‘hard-core’ drink-drivers, like Lohan, but that it is unfair to tar the rest of the drink-driving public with the same brush.

American Beverage Institute managing director, Sarah Longwell, told The Associated Press:

The reason that we used Lindsay Lohan is because she’s had multiple DUIs that have been high profile. We needed to create the distinction for the public what someone with multiple DUIs looked like versus a low blood-alcohol-level first-time offender.

Several states have passed bills that would require drink-driving offenders to pay for and install the ignition interlock system – many of them extending to “highly intoxicated” first-time offenders (with a blood alcohol level of 0.15 percent or higher).

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Blair Berk, said in a statement:

USA Today is idiotic to run such an irresponsible advertisement suggesting that drinking and driving is some kind of American ‘tradition’ we should protect. Not identifying that this ad was paid for by the liquor and restaurant industries is profoundly reckless… Drunk white businessmen, drunk housewives out for girls night out and drunk wedding parties should be kept off the roads of America. Lindsay Lohan fully endorses ignition interlock devices, which have been well-proven to save lives.

Now, before all you black businessmen out there get all over excited, hecklerspray would like to point out that it is still very much illegal for you to drink drive too. The Civil Rights movement achieved much in the name of equality, but nothing more. If you do wanna get pissed, just take the bus home. You can sit wherever you like.

The ABI stood by its use of Lohan’s image. Sarah Longwell said:

People magazine, Smoking Gun and a lot of people have republished this mugshot. It was publicly accessible. We’re not using it for any kind of commercial gain. So we’re well within our rights to use it.

We did it as well, Longwell, you People magazine/Smoking Gun shill! Why not give hecklerspray some free world-wide advertisement too? You couldn’t care less, could you? Well in that case, screw you, we’re siding with Lohan. Again.

In response to all this stuff that’s happened, USA Today spokesman Ed Cassidy issued the following statement:

Advocacy advertising is a big part of what we do. Our pages function as forum for competing views.

Talk to the hand, USA today, ‘cos the face stopped listening about three paragraphs ago.

Go on Berk, you show those white businessmen you mean business!

Read More – Lindsay Lohan mugshot used in liquor industry ad – Associated Press

Just take a look at hecklerspray’s regular Badvertising feature, in which we take commercials presently oozing from your television screen and vehemently assert how rubbish they are. It’s a non-stop loathefest. And we’re tired, people. Tired.

So. We’ve decided to take a short break, see. Instead of showing you something lousy, we’re going to treat you to what is hands-down the best commercial ever made.

This is a 1992 advert for the Nintendo game Legend Of Zelda, and we’ll be damned if it doesn’t have the catchiest pop number this side of The Monkees, a strangely androgynous lead character battling all sorts of monsters, a crazy caged Princess and a dance routine that – in any sane universe – would be sweeping club floors nationwide.

What is actually happening in this commercial? We have no idea. Enjoy.