OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
You won’t.
Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.
It’s christmas. Woopdeedoo and loop de loop and all that. Yes, that’s right, since you all asked so fucking nicely, we didn’t bother to do a video this week as it’s the festive season and is therefore all about building up your hopes in order to dash them.
In fact, we’re so set on driving you all to distraction that we’re going to have Christmas specials every week now because that’s exactly what christmas is all about. Incessant disappointment until you eat so much chocolate and drink so much cheap sherry that you may as well check into Dignitas on Boxing Day.
Still, euthanasia aside, it’s always best to start the Christmas period as early as possible because that’s where you make the most money and since all of you dribbling gits out there in internet land believe that the Christmas period can only officially begin when the Coca Cola advert has tugged its way around your heartstrings, we decided to start as soon as they do.
Chocolate! It’s a wonderful invention. Not only did it get thousands of American soldiers laid during the second world war, it’s also a tasty treat that you can give your kids. Your kids who will die of a fatty liver by the time they’re 25. Not only that, it’s an indulgent treat for you to force down your gullet at every available second while telling yourself that it’s just a little slip-up.
It might not surprise you to learn that there are loads of ways to advertise chocolate because it’s such a universally beloved product. The big question is that of the target market. If there isn’t an established target market for product then we end up with mad-eyed children, planting ideas about milk chocolate in your head through a hypnotic eyebrow dance.
That kind of confusion might spark ‘water-cooler’ conversation but it doesn’t make anyone want to eat a bar of Dairy Milk, no matter what anyone claims.
Every week, Badvertising takes a look into the murky backwaters of advertising as we call out the idiotic decisions of committees and advertising companies who thrust their intellectual vomit down our throats. This week is slightly different as we’re a little worried.
Normally we watch adverts and can identify the fact that the mysterious hand of the ‘Ad Men’ in every second of the video. Usually, their influence is obvious; ear-worms, repetition, hideous sexism designed to cater a product to knuckle-dragging oafs who believe a woman’s place is in the kitchen, hideous sexism designed to cater to pseudo-feminists who believe that every man on earth is a knuckle-dragging oaf who believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen and annoying recurring characters. That sort of thing.
This week, join Dep Ed Michael as he worries that the people from Plenty of Fish might have missed an important factor in their latest ad. Find out what it is over the jump…
Beer. Lager. Come on folks. We all love a nice cool, refreshing lager after a hard day sitting in the bedsit, angrily hacking words into our typewriters but lager advertising is notorious for playing up to ‘laddy’ stereotypes or generally misrepresenting the product as being anything more than yellow piss-water that no-one in their right mind would splash out three quid on.
Beer advertising is a minefield. On the one hand you have pressure from the public saying “GIVE US MORE BOOZE AND GIVE US IT CHEAPER!” and on the other there is pressure from regulators and central government saying, “DON’T GIVE THEM MORE BOOZE, THEY KEEP HITTING EACH OTHER WITH BROKEN BOTTLES!”
Under such pressure it is difficult to encourage people to consume the product in quantity which, make no mistake, is exactly what alcohol manufacturers want you to do. The more you buy, the more they sell to pubs, clubs, supermarkets and off-licenses.
Let’s talk about time, shall we? Time is important. Time is vitally important. Time is- we’re led to believe- money. The amount of time that we spend doing things directly relates to the amount of time that we have remaining to do other things like drinking tea and masturbating while crying into a woman’s garter.
No-one likes to see their time wasted. People who waste the time of others are tantamount to criminals which is why you can be charged with ‘Wasting Police Time’. When you do find yourself wasting your own time, you call it procrastination and you continue to watch videos of puppies frolicking in fields.
Ironically, this particular instalment of Badvertising is kept to a minimum length to illustrate a point.
Now we’ve never seen Rachael Ray’s TV show or read any of her books – we’re not even exactly sure who she is – but that bitch is a freaking terrorist.
Why? Because Rachael Ray will only be happy when the charred remains of the western world are enslaved by evil democracy-shunning, freedom-hating Arabs. This is a well-established fact.
How do we know this? Because Rachael Ray was recently seen in a Dunkin’ Donuts advert wearing a scarf that, if you get far enough away from it and squint, looks vaguely like the kind of thing that Yasser Arafat used to wear, even though it’s flowery and made of silk. What that means is that Rachael Ray is the worst kind of terrorist bitch from hell and should probably be executed in public for her implied beliefs. Or so we’re told.
The one about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, maybe? The timeless tale of Jack And The Beanstalk? Or that really silly, utterly implausible one about the guy who created the entire Earth in six days, can read your thoughts at all times and will strike you down with lightening if you touch your winky too much?
All very good. But none – none – are up to the standard of the Curtain Factory Outlet parable, as recited by this mother to a bewildered youngster.
Lindsay Lohan is pissed off because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.
The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have Ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.
Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?
Just take a look at hecklerspray’s regular Badvertising feature, in which we take commercials presently oozing from your television screen and vehemently assert how rubbish they are. It’s a non-stop loathefest. And we’re tired, people. Tired.
So. We’ve decided to take a short break, see. Instead of showing you something lousy, we’re going to treat you to what is hands-down the best commercial ever made.
This is a 1992 advert for the Nintendo game Legend Of Zelda, and we’ll be damned if it doesn’t have the catchiest pop number this side of The Monkees, a strangely androgynous lead character battling all sorts of monsters, a crazy caged Princess and a dance routine that – in any sane universe – would be sweeping club floors nationwide.
What is actually happening in this commercial? We have no idea. Enjoy.
OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
