Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.

That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.

With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.

Talking to those bright folks at Marie Claire about a stupid hound, Mendes says:

“It sounds so pretentious, but he learned his commands in French.”

Are we’re supposed to coo and whoop because, as well you know, when a celebrity has a dog, we have to care like they’ve had a baby (which we also don’t care about).

Se, Mendes brought a Belgian Malinois and called it Hugo. That doesn’t matter though. She could’ve called it ‘Bestiality’ or ‘Spadooey’ or a low guttural howl, and it would’ve eventually answered to it. Either way, Hugo was apparently ”rather intimidating”, yet, instantly obeyed Mendes’s orders for him to lie down or ‘act stupid’.

This awful, wretched beast has also bought her dog a beeper-controlled behavior-modification collar, whatever that means.

And so, Hugo talks French, mainly because Mendes talks French at it. You could grab a puppy and shout ‘testicles’ at it while presenting its lead and, HEY PRESTO! It will be under the impression that the medical word for balls means it will be going for a walk.

You could shout “Sie lassen mich sich erbrechen wünschen!” at a dog while pointing at the cupboard where you keep the food, and lo! It will think that the unpleasant German phrase means its dinnertime!

In short – people who talk about dogs should be punched up the arse. Forever.

Imagine if The Brady Bunch contained a story where perky mum, Carol, had an affair with the mayor of New York and caught crabs off him. Well, it happened in real life as the actress Florence Henderson in the famed cutesy sitcom did exactly that.

She caught crabs after a one-night-stand with John Lindsay while cheating on her husband, which is exactly the kind of behaviour we expect of our celebrities.

Henderson reveals all this in her upcoming memoir, which also points out that she was cheating on her husband with a pig of a man and had a face so ugly that it could curdle a summer sky. He’s going to love reading all about that isn’t he?

She says that she was cheating on her husband during the ’60s because, against her better judgement, this minger put the moves on her while she was blind-drunk in a hotel.

“I was lonely. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. So, what did I do? I did it”

Then she found “little black things” crawling over her bed and body.

“Guess I learned the hard way that crabs do not discriminate but cross over all socioeconomic strata. He must have had quite the active life. What a way to put the kibosh on a relationship.”

So, if Brady Mom was a randy git, she must have been shagging everything in sight, right? That probably includes the cast and crew of the much-loved – but awful – sitcom.

We’re all looking at Barry Williams, who played her eldest teen-aged stepson, Greg Brady, who has long been rumoured to enjoy the insides of the actress.

However, it seems not to be the case.

“Barry did have a serious crush on me, which I understood and helped him get past. Let us just say that if he had entertained a roll in the hay with me, I would never have done it.”

Probably because she had crabs.

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Estella Warren may not be a household name exactly, but some of you may recognise her from Planet Of The Apes and the fact she used to get her busters out as a Victoria’s Secret model. We’re not especially interested in that – we’re more thrilled about her law breaking skills.

The professional thong-occupier is in all kindsa trouble with the law after she went nutso while completely plastered!

She was arrested in Los Angeles under suspicion of driving under the influence. How did anyone know she was off her bap? There’s the small matter of (allegedly) crashing into three parked cars in her Toyota Prius. She then drove away from the scene thinking that no-one would notice. But they did. And that’s when the real fun started!

A rep for the LA Sheriff’s Department says:

“Warren hit three parked cars in what was considered three separate collisions. Someone local heard the noise and called the police.”

The police then caught up with her and instead of holding up her hands and saying ‘fair cop; where do we go from here then?’, she thought the best course of action would be to kick an officer. She was hilariously re-arrested for felony battery.

So far, so typical of a celebrity arrest. However, Estella wasn’t finished by a long chalk.

Apparently, according to one of the drivers who saw their car pranged by a loaded bap-model, she decided to have a go at them as well!

They say:

“I believe she hit at least two other cars before she stopped. When I approached her she was obviously drunk and acting crazy. A few more residents approached her, but she started yelling and accused us of stealing things from her. When I told her she had to wait for the police to arrive she lashed out at me and started to ‘girl-slap’ me on my chest and arms.”

She was then taken to a local women’s police station (which sounds rather sexy, don’t you think? Not like Prisoner Cell Black H at all!) for processing. While getting booked, Warren somehow managed to pull a Houdini and wriggle out of her handcuffs and legged it out of the back door of the station! BRILLIANT!

The police rep continued:

“She was uncooperative and demanding. She removed her handcuffs and fled the police station. She was captured and transported back”

So she is now being booked for a hit and run, felony escape and DUI… this amounts to a champion bail of $100,000.Well done Estella. We need people like you now that Lindsay Lohan has gone boring.

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Poor old Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s really not very well at all. She’s had one of her legs cut off and now, after a string of health problems, she’s back in hospital again with severe pneumonia symptoms, leaving her with water on her lungs.

We’d suggest that her family are distraught, but alas, her ninth husband – Prince Frederic von Anhalt – seems to be rather enjoying the attention.

Of course, he can be seen with his little eyes welling up during his many hospital visits, but that’s not stopped him from winking at Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and noticing what a fine, working womb she has. Seriously.

Now, there’ll be some of you thinking that Hogan’s ex, Pamela Bach, is trying to have sexual relations with the marvellously named Prince Frederic von Anhalt… but you’re wrong.

See, while Zsa Zsa lies poorly after refusing a further amputation, leaving her a 50-50 chance of survival, Prince Fred dons the top hat and whips up a circus storm around her near-dead body. What a tremendous individual he is.

He said:

“We don’t expect her to get better. She will be in bed for the rest of her life.”

Everyone say ‘aw’, before saying ‘What the f-?’

Prince Frederic von Anhalt really wants to have a baby with Zsa Zsa, leaving the sick minded amongst you with an image not unlike the one in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman’s comatose body is ridden by dead-eyed hospital staff. However, this is where Ex-Mrs Hulk Hogan comes into the equation.

Fred wants to fulfil Zsa Zsa’s “dream” of them having a child, using his sperm with the egg and womb of a surrogate mother, who could well be Hogan’s ex-wife, Pamela Bach.

Frederic has said:

“It was always my wife’s dream for us to have a child, and even though we won’t be using any of her eggs, she would be thrilled to know I’m going through with this.

“I want her to see and hold the baby’s hand. She will be a mother again at 95!! It was her wish to have a boy.”

This has to be the weirdest cheating on someone ever.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor (that should read ‘Zsa Gabor’ after she had her leg amputated) has been rushed to hospital after she decided to go hysterical over the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s death. That’s because she’s convinced herself that she is going to be the next to die.

According to her husband – Frederic von Anhalt – Gabor “went hysterical” when she heard about her old chum passing away via the use of a hearing trumpet.

With celebrities always dying in threes, she became concerned after Taylor died shortly after fellow actress Jane Russell joined the choir invisible.

Von Anhalt said:

“Zsa Zsa said, ‘Celebrities go in threes and I’m next’.”

As a result of this unhealthy line of thinking, the Hungarian actress saw her blood pressure go “through the roof”.

Of course, Zsa Zsa and Liz Taylor had a lot in common. They both really liked wedding cake and got married many, many times.

Gabor unfathomably got married more times that Taylor, managing a whopping nine marriages compared to Taylor’s also large eight ceremonies.

As is usually the case with attractive women for the golden era of Hollywood, they’ve both had erratic, eccentric lives which have ended up seeing ill health blighting them over the years.

If Zsa Zsa is so convinced she’ll be the next to go, she should put some money on it. That way, if she does, her loved ones can cash in a decent betting slip when she perishes.

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Ryan Phillippe might be a daddy! Hurray! Where do we send a card of congratulations? He must be so thrilled at the prospect of being responsible for yet another human shaped disappointment into the world!

But wait! What’s this? His ex, pregnant model-cum-actress Alexis Knapp, is saying that the thing growing inside her was put there by Phillippe, but he’s not so sure.

In fact, he’s not certain of it at all. And so, he’s going to ‘do’ a DNA test. We assume that this means he’ll have to have sex with a DNA machine and then, when both babies are born, the machine’s will be compared to the one that pops out of Knapp and people in white coats will see if they look kinda similar.

Of course, this doesn’t really work because pretty much all babies look the same. Horrible little bald things with erupting arcs of faeces jetting out of them, coupled with a crying sound that sounds like every nail on Earth being scraped down a giant chalkboard.

This’ll be the first time that Knapp will have squeezed a child out of her soon-to-be devastated ladyhole. As she dated Phillippe for on-and-off last year, she’s convinced it is his.

Some stupid source says:

“She has been telling people he is the father.”

A different source adds:

“Ryan doesn’t know if he is the dad. If he is, he will take full responsibility for the child.”

“He’s a good guy. He loves being a dad and takes being a dad really seriously.”

In an unrelated piece of news, Knapp will be promoting two films. One is called Project X and the other is a Miley Cyrus flick called So Undercover. A third film may come out called ‘Don’t Tell Mom I Used My Pregnancy To Further My Career!’

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If you got every single Christmas that ever happened, it wouldn’t even be in the same universe as Zsa Zsa Gabor’s campness. She’s an astonishing woman who, simply by being herself, can make entire towns fall down laughing and cooing ‘AWW!’

However, sad news reaches the ‘spray bedsit as Zsa Zsa has had her leg amputated and, to be quite honest with you, we’re biting our collective knuckles in an attempt to not crack jokes about it.

You see, when hecklerspray is faced with sadness, we pull out the funnies because the alternative is to sit around crying for an entire year.

The fabulous dahling is currently hospitalized at the UCLA Ronald Reagan Medical Center in LA and has been in-and-out of hospital beds since she fell at home and broke her hip in July last year. It is all very sad and depressing.

Gabor had gangrene in her leg which would have killed her, so doctors had to amputate her leg in a bid to save her life. While her chance for survival is definitely a good thing, losing your leg really isn’t very fun.

Apparently, Gabor smiled and ate ice cream and ‘some sausage’ on Saturday, her husband said. We can only assume she’s not batty enough to want them in the same bowl.

A spokesman for the 93 year-old Gabor, said the star of ’50s flicks, ‘Moulin Rouge’ and ‘Lili’ , still doesn’t know that her leg has been amputated. Jesus. That’ll be a woe inducing conversation when it happens, eh readers? And here’s us, desperately trying to not make jokes about it.

The spokesman said:

“I told them (doctors) not to talk to her, because I didn’t want her to get hysterical and the blood pressure goes up”

Gabor is currently on morphine, which is helping to take away the pain. In the coming weeks, she’ll be informed of the operation. We can only hope her response is something like this…

Doctors are “guardedly optimistic” about the actress’ recovery. The good news is that, currently, she’s “chatty and feisty”.

And so, we leave you without having taken the piss too much (not like us at all) and this video of Zsa Zsa’s work-out video which, quite possibly, is the greatest piece of filming ever made.

Get well Zsa Zsa!

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Every TV show has its weakness – for 24 it’s believability, for Heroes it’s how rubbish it is and for Grey’s Anatomy it’s homosexuality.

Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

Gayness is Grey’s Anatomy‘s Achilles heel. Everything that’s ever gone wrong with Grey’s Anatomy, at some level, has had a connection to homosexuality. Sure, a gay slur kicked off the Grey’s Anatomy actor fight of 2006, but that’s not the end of it.

Remember that the actor-fight was exacerbated by Grey’s Anatomy actor TR Knight coming out? And how it ended with Isaiah Washington doing pro-gay PSAs? And all that trouble about Katherine Heigl not appreciating the writing on Grey’s Anatomy?

(Actually, we should clear that last one up. We’re not suggesting that Katherine Heigl is gay, just that most of the time she seems like embittered gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. Again, Katherine Heigl seems like an embittered old gay man imprisoned inside a body that he can never love. Thanks.)

And, with an inevitability that borders of the illegal, Grey’s Anatomy has strayed back into the gaypit once more. This time, Grey’s Anatomy has earnt accusations of sexual insensitivity by abruptly killing off a lesbian storyline by de-gaying one of the characters and sending another off into the wilderness. E! Online reports:

Sources confirm that Brooke Smith, who plays Dr. Erica Hahn (a doctor who recently realized she is gay), has been axed from Grey’s Anatomy. I’m also told by insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts.

Now, we should point out that the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer has denied that anyone was fired for playing a lesbian or anything like that, and that it was down to a lack of ‘magic’ or something equally as woolly.

But, to the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer, we feel we should point out one thing in response – have you ever thought about trying to make the TV show Grey’s Anatomy as exciting as the behind the scenes headlines about Grey’s Anatomy? You really should, because this dreary old emotional crap you’re doing now really isn’t working out for us.