Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.
That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.
With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.
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Imagine if The Brady Bunch contained a story where perky mum, Carol, had an affair with the mayor of New York and caught crabs off him. Well, it happened in real life as the actress Florence Henderson in the famed cutesy sitcom did exactly that.
She caught crabs after a one-night-stand with John Lindsay while cheating on her husband, which is exactly the kind of behaviour we expect of our celebrities.
Henderson reveals all this in her upcoming memoir, which also points out that she was cheating on her husband with a pig of a man and had a face so ugly that it could curdle a summer sky. He’s going to love reading all about that isn’t he?
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Estella Warren may not be a household name exactly, but some of you may recognise her from Planet Of The Apes and the fact she used to get her busters out as a Victoria’s Secret model. We’re not especially interested in that – we’re more thrilled about her law breaking skills.
The professional thong-occupier is in all kindsa trouble with the law after she went nutso while completely plastered!
She was arrested in Los Angeles under suspicion of driving under the influence. How did anyone know she was off her bap? There’s the small matter of (allegedly) crashing into three parked cars in her Toyota Prius. She then drove away from the scene thinking that no-one would notice. But they did. And that’s when the real fun started!
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Poor old Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s really not very well at all. She’s had one of her legs cut off and now, after a string of health problems, she’s back in hospital again with severe pneumonia symptoms, leaving her with water on her lungs.
We’d suggest that her family are distraught, but alas, her ninth husband – Prince Frederic von Anhalt – seems to be rather enjoying the attention.
Of course, he can be seen with his little eyes welling up during his many hospital visits, but that’s not stopped him from winking at Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and noticing what a fine, working womb she has. Seriously.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor (that should read ‘Zsa Gabor’ after she had her leg amputated) has been rushed to hospital after she decided to go hysterical over the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s death. That’s because she’s convinced herself that she is going to be the next to die.
According to her husband – Frederic von Anhalt – Gabor “went hysterical” when she heard about her old chum passing away via the use of a hearing trumpet.
With celebrities always dying in threes, she became concerned after Taylor died shortly after fellow actress Jane Russell joined the choir invisible.
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Ryan Phillippe might be a daddy! Hurray! Where do we send a card of congratulations? He must be so thrilled at the prospect of being responsible for yet another human shaped disappointment into the world!
But wait! What’s this? His ex, pregnant model-cum-actress Alexis Knapp, is saying that the thing growing inside her was put there by Phillippe, but he’s not so sure.
In fact, he’s not certain of it at all. And so, he’s going to ‘do’ a DNA test. We assume that this means he’ll have to have sex with a DNA machine and then, when both babies are born, the machine’s will be compared to the one that pops out of Knapp and people in white coats will see if they look kinda similar.
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If you got every single Christmas that ever happened, it wouldn’t even be in the same universe as Zsa Zsa Gabor’s campness. She’s an astonishing woman who, simply by being herself, can make entire towns fall down laughing and cooing ‘AWW!’
However, sad news reaches the ‘spray bedsit as Zsa Zsa has had her leg amputated and, to be quite honest with you, we’re biting our collective knuckles in an attempt to not crack jokes about it.
You see, when hecklerspray is faced with sadness, we pull out the funnies because the alternative is to sit around crying for an entire year.
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Every TV show has its weakness – for 24 it’s believability, for Heroes it’s how rubbish it is and for Grey’s Anatomy it’s homosexuality.
Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.
What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.
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