Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Wahlberg asserted that he would have stopped terrorists from flying a perfectly nice plane into New York’s World Trade Center on Sept. 11 if he had been on it.

In an interview with Men’s Fitness, he said:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Get that? If you were on that plane and are now reading this as a ghost, then you suck. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t suck. He would’ve roundhouse kicked the terrorists until their heads came clean off. He wouldn’t just sit their, munching peanuts and drinking gin from a small tin can.

We assume that’s what he meant, right? It certainly looks like he’s saying that those who perished on that infamous flight didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.

Wait. He’s apologised hasn’t he?

Wahlberg is now saying that his speculation was:

“ridiculous to begin with.” And that to suggest he “would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.”

Thank you Mark Wahlberg. Celebrities have been a bit too guarded recently, so we’re grateful that you let your mouth run-off without kicking your brain in.

Can you pass judgement on the American soldiers who took a leak on insurgent corpses now? That’d be sweet. Oh, and good luck with your burger bar. Maybe you could make a double-stack burger in tribute to the World Trade Centre by way of apology?

Hey perverts! Get ready to say “Oooh. I wouldn’t say that to him. I’d…” and then trail off into your own dirty thoughts. Okay? Let’s go shall we! Ryan Gosling is fed up with people confusing him for fellow actor Ryan Reynolds.

Do you know the difference?

Seems a lot of people don’t. Once you’ve met someone called Ryan, you’ve met ‘em all haven’t you? And besides, no Ryan ever amounted to much did they? It’s a stupid, boring name. Anyway, what does Gosling think about being confused for Mr R. Reynolds of Hollywood, Dumbsville?

The ‘Drive’ douche said that, whilst it is flattering to be compared to Reynolds, it does tend to leave people feeling disappointed to see him sporting a rather different physique.

He says:

“I have people come up to me wanting to get a picture.”

“I line up with them and they’re like, ‘Oh! I thought you’d be a lot more muscular’. It’s about then that I realise their mistake and have to point out that I’m not Ryan Reynolds.”

Oooooh, you wouldn’t say that to him would you? You think he’s dead fit don’t you? You’d wrestle him to the ground and ride him like a stolen bike wouldn’t you?

You wouldn’t mistake him for Ryan Reynolds would you? You’d do wicked things to Ryan Reynolds as well. Just imagine the pair of them. The pair of them tag-teaming you. Just think. You wouldn’t mistake them. You’d look at them both, say the correct name to the correct actor and then dribble before…

…this has to stop.

Ah, Gerard Depardieu! It doesn’t really matter what you do with your career now because you’ll always be remembered as that drunk French guy who had a wazz in the aisle of an Air France plane.

WAIT!

What’s this? He’s at it again? This time, dressed as Obelix from Asterix? Really? How brilliant. Can we keep him?

Of course, there are some of you out there who think what Gerard did was pretty lousy. Disgusting even! You’re hugely wrong.

It was brilliant, solely because we got to make the joke ‘Gaul bladder’. That’s worth your entrance fee alone.

Either way, Gerard is making light of the whole thing while promoting his upcoming film about cartoon character Obelix.

G-Dep (that’s what we do with actors now, right?) waddles around in his outfit and says a load of stuff in French that we don’t understand because we didn’t listen in school.

J’ai douze ans.

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Once there was a time, when Mark Wahlberg was just some dumbass in jockey shorts. Then, somehow, we went and became a proper actor before giving Justin Bieber a wedgie. Whaddaguy! Right?

Well, now it seems that Marky Mark and his brothers are opening up a burger joint! How great is that?

Well, it ain’t so great because he’s forgotten one fundamental thing – we’re not idiots.

See, the Swiss Family Wahberg are opening a high-end burger joint which is called Wahlberger’s.

Of course, celebrities love opening restaurants, so this is no surprise. There’s a lot of interest in it too, with TV crews wanting to get in on the action with a potential reality series to boot.

According to E! News, he explained:

“Maybe I’ll be the Charlie’s Angels of reality TV. You’ll hear my voice. But obviously it’s something that we’d want to control in every aspect and produce and make sure that we were doing something really quality.”

Sheesh. Sounds like a riot, eh?

And the controlling misery doesn’t end there either. The burger place is going to be… *gulp*… healthy.

“As well as a health and wellness business that will help people first and foremost feel good, exercise, eat right and then look good…Eighty-five percent of the population doesn’t exercise and eat right, and you want to be able to push them in the direction of extending their lifespan and living healthy lives.”

Jesus Christ lad. Lighten up. No-one wants burgers unless they’re dripping in grease!

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Div-hunk, Ryan Gosling has been nominated for an Academy Award for some indie rubbish, he plays guitar like every stinkin’ idiot does… but he’s a part-time crime fighter. That’s right! And he’s done it in a hideous vest as well!

The simple faced object of middle-class women’s desire decided to get involved in some fight in the middle of a New York intersection because he knew damn well half of twitter would flood their gussets with undignified lust.

And we’ve got a video of it all, including an example of two screaming, yearning women who can’t remember his name!

Basically, what happens is a tedious scrap that happens all over the world at any given minute. However, because the unconventionally attractive Gosling (a young goose), this is much, much more glamorous.

Some drunk looking gimps wrestle each other without landing a decent punch and, typically for New York, a bunch of people start some chest-bumping shit and nothing gets resolved until ‘That Guy From The Notebook’ gets involved, which effectively means that nothing resolved itself, but some girls kinda screamed with glee.

Then, like a proper star (which Gosling is aiming to be), he makes his way to the camera and someone’s hand covers the lens because, despite being an actor, he’s really not keen on being filmed.

Well, not unless there’s huge sums of money involved anyway.

You don’t care about all this though because you’ve been pleasuring yourself at the thought of this grinning fool being all macho and stopping a fight.

Here’s the video. Happy fiddling.

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Ah, Gerard Depardieu. He’s a daft old drunk isn’t he? When he emptied his bladder in the aisle of an Air France plane, we all chuckled about the effects of alcoholism in mental actors, but alas, we were all hugely wrong!

See, Gerard wasn’t drunk at all! He really wants to point out that he was as sober as can be.

Which surely, makes the whole ‘getting your chap out before a load of passengers and then taking a steaming leak all over the carpet’ thing considerably worse, right? Is he saying that being drunk is more shameful than wazzing in public?

Either way, the French actor says he’s ”sorry” for urinating one off. He’s got problems you see.

A statement released by his friend, actor Edouard Baer, said:

“Gerard is very sorry for what happened. He wanted to go to the toilet but he was forbidden because we were about to take off, so he was forced to do it on the plane in front of everybody.

“He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

The tale (or tail, it’s up to you) doesn’t end there. Long suffering Edouard, who was with Depardieu on the flight, tried to rectify the situation by giving him a receptacle in which to piss.

But it overflowed like some awful sitcom.

“I found the solution by passing him an Evian water bottle, but it was too small and overflowed.”

It overflowed! We hope it was one of those two litre bottles! That would be immense! Imagine it! Gerard is the champion pisser!

Next week: Gerard Depardieu aims to do the biggest stool sample in history.

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Gerard Depardieu is the world’s most unlikely sex symbol, what with him having a face like a bear ravaged buttock that belongs to a scaly vagrant. Yet, the ladies love him! Is it because he’s a suave, refined man?

Well it can’t be that, given that this week, the French actor decided to have a massive piss in the aisle of an Air France plane.

No seriously.

Good ol’ Depardieu was fidgeting around in his seat while the plane was waiting to take off in Paris, making its way to Dublin.

Like a lot of flights, there was something of a delay. Gerard Depardieu turned into Depardon’tbloodybelievethis, and decided that he couldn’t hold his urine any longer.

Depardieu told the flight attendant:

“Je veux pisser”

You’re stupid, but can guess what that means, right? Well, the attendant knew, but didn’t care. You start letting one passenger go for a leak and they’ll all want one.

No, he’d have to wait 15 minutes.

Not a man who can wait 15 minutes, Depardieu unzipped his kecks and took a stinky slash all over the aisle carpet.

Then, the real delays started as the jet returned to the gate for 2 hours while some poor sods had to clean it up, and of course, Depardieu was escorted away to be slapped/housetrained.

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Cuh! When we’re rude to people, everyone berates us and says we’re shallow and lonely. While that may be true, we don’t see people having a go at Elizabeth Taylor who treated marriage like bubblegum, hung around with Michael Jackson and, even in death, kept everyone waiting at her funeral.

We suppose that everyone thinks that this is all very funny, prompting people to roll their eyes and hoot in unison about how wacky she was!

It’s not funny. It’s downright rude. People are trying to grieve properly and she’s there, even in ghost form, pissing people around.

Liz’s publicist says that Taylor actually wanted to be late for her own funeral:

“The service was scheduled to begin at 2 pm but at Miss Taylor’s request started late. Miss Taylor had left instructions that it was to begin at least 15 minutes later than publicly scheduled. She even wanted to be late for her own funeral.”

At least when hecklerspray dies, we will have ensured that we’ve become so unpopular that, when we’re returned to the Earth, no-one will show up so officials can just lob us in a pre-dug hole and be done in 5 minutes flat so they can get down the pub or whatever.

Not only did Taylor muck around with everyone’s grief, but she also messed with their faiths, having a multi-denominational service. She was probably hoping a huge theological debate would kick off so all the mourners would have a royally dreadful time.

Weirder still, the ceremony included a poetry reading from Colin Farrell.

We’re not making that up.

And now, in respect, the marquees of Broadway theatres will be dimmed in her memory at exactly 8pm tonight for one minute, ensuring that those hard of seeing will walk into stuff and break their noses.

The horrible old bag.

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One of the most gigantic movie stars of all-time, Elizabeth Taylor, has died in Los Angeles at the age of 79 despite looking much, much older. Taylor lived her whole life in the spotlight, of course, looking like she’d been shot with Homer Simpson’s make-up gun in later years.

Of course, we’re rather sad that the Oscar-winning actress has finally shuffled off her mortal coil after a long history of bad health and heart problems, but like all sneering pricks, we’re prone to making crass jokes instead of confronting our grief about someone we’ve never met.

It goes without saying that the movie buffs will be saddened by this news and fondly remember some of her finer roles, leaving the huge public outpourings of grief to the Michael Jackson fans. You just watch.

Dame Elizabeth, you’ll recall, nailed the job of pretending to be Cleopatra as well as asking the question Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? She also had an amazing shock of hair in later years. Rumour has it that she had a timeshare on Bob Dylan’s ‘do from the mid-to-late ’60s. It suited neither of them.

However, we all know Taylor for her peculiar private life. She got married roughly every thirty seconds from 1962 to 1992, at one point, accidentally marrying herself. Wedding cake makers are said to be distraught about her death which has left the industry in potential ruin.

This isn’t the first time Taylor has felt death’s icy grip on her shoulder. She was nearly offed by a rare type of pneumonia in 1961 as well as having various deathly encounters while being a massive booze hound and painkiller hoover.

Yet, she just refused to die. Hip replacement operations, more near-fatal bouts of pneumonia and a brain tumour showed us all that she was made of sterner stuff than most modern celebrities who are simply willing to die at the first sign of trouble.

Elizabeth Taylor was harder than a Glaswegian in winter.

It’s also worth pointing out, in a totally non-funny way, that she did loads of really great charity work in her years, notably raising funds for AIDS charities. So there. She’s a better human than us, but we knew that anyway.

But there you go. Elizabeth Taylor has finally joined the choir invisible and… OH GOD. SHE’S GONE. WE CAN’T COPE WITH THIS. IT’S JUST TOO UPSETTING. JESUS! JUST…. WHY?! WHY?! THIS IS AWFUL, AWFUL NEWS. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GO WHEN IDIOTS LIKE US LIVE? WHY GOD?! WHHHHHY?

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We have no idea who Renee Olstead is. Literally no trace of an idea at all. However, we have seen her boobs and seen photos of her sticking things inside her front bum. And her boobs again. We figure she’s about to become a lot more famous for boobular reasons.

Now, her Wikipedia page says that she’s an actress and a singer. A child actor no less, which means we can snort with laughter as she becomes the latest ‘shamed child actor’ to add to our list. The list, of course, consists mainly of those that have shown their genitals to the world in a series of leaked photos.

Apparently, she was in something called Still Standing as well as something called The Secret Life of the American Teenager. She also apparently gives good jazz. But we’re too busy looking at her boobs to care. Chances are, you’d like to look at the breasts of someone you haven’t heard of too.

Renee has taken a series of self-shots (like just about every decent human on planet Earth has done… if you haven’t, what’s wrong with you? That’s why the good lord invented digital cameras and embedded them in mobile telephones!) and they’re rather saucy.

However, most celebrity (we’re assuming she’s something of a celebrity) nudey shots are grotty, grainy and about as titillating as a pair of hills with stone nipples on top.

However, Renee’s photos are eye-poppingly explicit in places and she’s obviously a half decent photographer, which is great for any of you who have the day off and fancy an idle strum over some pictures of a naked somebody.

Of course, you haven’t read any of these words and you’ve gone straight to the link below, which is the gallery of Renee’s naked photos.

We could write just about anything here couldn’t we? You’d have no idea. You’re already pounding yourself with a mixture of smouldering arousal and palpable shame. Good for you.

Click here to see the entirely NSFW work gallery of Renee Olstead’s photos.

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Ryan Phillippe might be a daddy! Hurray! Where do we send a card of congratulations? He must be so thrilled at the prospect of being responsible for yet another human shaped disappointment into the world!

But wait! What’s this? His ex, pregnant model-cum-actress Alexis Knapp, is saying that the thing growing inside her was put there by Phillippe, but he’s not so sure.

In fact, he’s not certain of it at all. And so, he’s going to ‘do’ a DNA test. We assume that this means he’ll have to have sex with a DNA machine and then, when both babies are born, the machine’s will be compared to the one that pops out of Knapp and people in white coats will see if they look kinda similar.

Of course, this doesn’t really work because pretty much all babies look the same. Horrible little bald things with erupting arcs of faeces jetting out of them, coupled with a crying sound that sounds like every nail on Earth being scraped down a giant chalkboard.

This’ll be the first time that Knapp will have squeezed a child out of her soon-to-be devastated ladyhole. As she dated Phillippe for on-and-off last year, she’s convinced it is his.

Some stupid source says:

“She has been telling people he is the father.”

A different source adds:

“Ryan doesn’t know if he is the dad. If he is, he will take full responsibility for the child.”

“He’s a good guy. He loves being a dad and takes being a dad really seriously.”

In an unrelated piece of news, Knapp will be promoting two films. One is called Project X and the other is a Miley Cyrus flick called So Undercover. A third film may come out called ‘Don’t Tell Mom I Used My Pregnancy To Further My Career!’

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So, Halle Berry has been accused by some of being a dirty racist for believing in the ‘one drop theory’, while her ex, Gabriel Aubrey has also been accused of being a racist because he wants everyone to say his daughter is white.

Personally, we don’t care what colour it is. We just want it to grow up into a nutter like Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan. Rich kids always end up jerks, right? Even the ones who make amazing pop records like ‘Whip My Hair’. Willow Smith – destined to be a dead-eyed narc fiend or cult leader.

Anyway, we’re talking about Halle Berry. Apparently, her and Aubrey (who sounds like a ’30s country singer) are still at loggerheads, acting like children (possibly vaguely racist children if you believe they’re that sort of thing) and… well… this is just about the most interesting thing Berry has ever done. Ever.

This slow-burning, almost eye-crusting squabble continues to plod along like filling forms out in triplicate. It’s like watching the biopic of a human resources department.

And you expect us to make jokes!

Anyway, Halle Berry’s baby pappy went all stupid according to reports, leaving Halle no choice but to start waving legal shit around and wagging her finger while slightly screwing her face up in an attempt to emote.

Aubry told Halle, in the most grown-up way he could muster (aka akin to soiling himself and threatening to cry really loudly) that he would not let her take Nahla to New York to shoot a movie. Halle, being wealthy, said she’d put Gabe in a swanky hotel if he just stopped whining like a little gitbox.

A week in a fancy hotel with his precious, puking baby? Of course, he said no. Then threw all of Nahla’s toys out of the pram.

Apparently, Gabriel (currently signing-on) said:

“Why do I have to follow her? She can leave Nahla here.”

A Los Angeles County Superior Court said words to the effect of, “Honestly. This is so tiresome that my nostrils are healing over. Halle. Just take your stupid kid with you, alright?”

Everyone presumably muttered under their breath ‘surely Gabriel knew what he was getting into when he ejaculated up a successful actress’. Oh, and being spiteful isn’t a very attractive look. We know better than most.

Tune in next week when Gabriel Aubrey refuses to eat his sprouts and Halle Berry tries to buy him a Playstation to stop him from kicking his little legs in a tantrum.

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Halle Berry’s custody case is one of the most boring stories to hit the headlines, ever. Much like her career actually. And so, to liven the whole thing up, Kim Kardashian’s name is being thrown around for absolutely no reason at all.

That’s how low this story has sunk.

With accusations of racisms blowing around about Halle’s ex, Gabriel Aubrey, the whole sorry scenario has got people wringing their hands and worrying about the poor, poor child involved. Waa waa. Worse still is that this child is being thought of a completely forgettable by celebrity no-mark, Kardashian. Seriously.

Apparently, Halle Berry is very irritated by the notion that her ex, Aubry, might be dating Kardashian. It would seem that Kardashian is equally irritated by this notion.

Not that Halle Berry isn’t being anything other than mature and grown-up about the whole thing, especially when she’s ignoring Kardashian repeatedly at various Hollywood events. Berry, who may well be going nutso, doesn’t want Kardashian anywhere near her child, Nahla.

Alas, Kardashian wouldn’t know Halle’s child if someone stapled it to her forehead while shouting ‘THIS IS HALLE BERRY’S DAUGHTER, OKAY?’ at the celebutante.

A source said:

“Since Kim only saw the little girl once or twice… she wouldn’t even recognise Nahla if she saw her somewhere without either Gabriel or Halle with her.”

Get that Berry? Your daughter is immensely forgettable. A few parents could learn something from this when assuming the rest of the world gives even the vaguest of fucks about their future disappointment.

On top of all this, Kardashian is saying that she’s stepping out with some bloke called Kris Humphries, who must be thrilled at all this nonsense.

Sadly for Aubrey, he’s being made out to be some kind of racist monster.

Sources told TMZ:

“Whenever Gabriel would read a story about Nahla that referred to her as ‘Black,’ he would go off, insisting his baby was white. We’re told Gabriel would tell Halle and others they should demand a ‘retraction’ when such references were made regarding his daughter.”

If Aubrey was a massive racist, you have to wonder why he’d have a baby with Halle Berry (in fairness, she’s pretty white, but y’know, she’s totally black).

Anyway, we’re going to start wringing our hands and sing ‘Save The Children’ by Marvin Gaye so it looks like we give a shit.

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Yesterday, we talked about what a gigantic spoilsport Halle Berry is. She selfishly decided to act like an adult and not air her filthy linen in public, leaving us to guess why she was worried about the safety of her daughter when with her ex-bloke, Gabriel Aubry.

Well, no thanks to Halle, but rather, a load of scurrilous rumours and hearsay, it seems we have an answer!

Yessireebob, people are pointing at Gabriel Aubrey and muttering “great big dirty racist git” under their breath.

Allegedly, Aubrey dropped the N-Bomb on Halle (a claim we expect Aubrey will eventually deny in public) and repeatedly demeaned her with other vulgarities. As an aside, ‘vulgarity’ is a great word isn’t it?

Basically, it seems that Gabe went a bit ‘Mel Gibson’ and like throwing around racist words as well as niceties like “fucking bitch” and “you’re films are consistently not very good and in fact, I find them rather derivative.” See if you can spot which one we made up.

Sadly, it is very difficult to prove that someone said something horrible to someone, but luckily for Gabriel, he did it by text message as well. So damning evidence may well be sat on Berry’s phone, gleefully waiting for some judge to have a look at it.

She’ll have to delete any saucy pictures she may have taken of herself though (anyone with a mobile phone does that, right?)

Worse still for Aubrey is that an ex-girlfriend of his has waddled out into the open, spouting off about what a nasty shit he is. The woman in question dated him for a couple of years and noted that he was…

“very disrespectful to women”

Quite how he pulled one of the most lusted-after women in Hollywood is beyond us. He must have a very, very impressive penis or something. The lady also backed-up this racist thing, saying:

“Gabriel has always been a borderline racist.”

However, he isn’t a complete monster. This ex of his would like to point out that, while she considers him to be a potty-mouthed bigot, he wasn’t one for throwing a slap across a room. Basically, she’s saying that Gabriel never once laid a hand on her during their relationship.

If this turns out to be true, we can only thank Hollywood for breeding these racist sorts, just so we can write about them constantly and sneer at any misfortune that comes their way.

No. Don’t tell us about the eventuality that he might be completely innocent and shit like this might actually stick and tarnish a nice man’s reputation.

No. Not listening.

*sticks fingers in ears*

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner lalalalalalalala ner dum dum dum LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING…

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Halle Berry is a well fancied woman. That’s because she looks like a white man designed her, ironing out all the blackness out of her, save only her tone. And she’s really boring. She’s such a crashing bore that sometimes, we prefer conducting conversations with the dead flies on our windowsill.

And so, with a rare moment of drama in her life, we find our Halle having a fight with her ex-husband!

That’s right! Berry is throwing all that amicable split nonsense out of the window in favour of an ugly brawl and may well just start trash talking in the press! Hopefully, years of built-up resentment will come erupting from her little mouth with such venom that the sky will go pink with embarrassment.

We all know damn well that this isn’t going to happen. That’s because Halle Berry is crashingly dull. Some might say ‘dignified’, but they’re the kind of people who claim to like her for her acting abilities while secretly and shamefully masturbating over her while sat on the pan.

And so, in the face of lots of flying shit, Halle Berry is planning to take ex Gabriel Aubry to court to fight for custody of their two-year-old daughter Nahla and, crucially, she’s only giving us half the story.

So bad is this scrap is that she’s ditched a film she’s supposed to be making called New Year’s Eve (she’s been replaced by Katherine Heigl, if you even vaguely care).

Her rep says:

“Halle Berry was forced to pull out of a film production in New York this week due to pending custody litigation involving her daughter.”

“She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter’s father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.”

Okay. She’s having child-admin troubles. But what about the dirt?

“Halle has serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her”

Serious concerns?! Is this bloke using this child as a drug mule? Does he encourage it to bath in shark infested water while wearing goggles made of steak?

It looks like she’s not going to tell us because she’s a massive spoilsport, leaving us to make jokes about meat-based eye wear. Don’t like the joke? Blame Halle Boring Berry.

“Halle has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their break-up, Halle has only acted in her daughter’s best interests”

But alas, not in the best interests of us gossip mongers/shit slingers.

DAMN YOUR EYES BERRY!

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