Angelina Jolie Quits Acting To Pursue Full-Time Sanctimony Team Aniston, it's time to get the bunting out; your girl has won - Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting. True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear - Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week. Great, that's just what we need - a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word 'uncool', we doubt very much that she'll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we'll say is this - don't be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

Joaquin Phoenix Retirement Video Easily The Best Thing Ever When Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting, we have a hunch that he expected wailing, anguish and possibly a national day of mourning. That's not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn't go down particularly well. We've got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world's least caring man after the jump. It's funny, but be warned - if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we're going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.

Joaquin Phoenix Has Had It Up To Here With This Acting Lark We have some unbearably sad news for you - well, some unbearably sad news if you happened to like We Own The Night, anyway. No? Nobody liked that film? OK, well we have some unbearably sad news if you happened to like Reservation Road. What? None of you liked that either? The Village? Ladder 49? Signs? Brother Bear? Nothing? You didn't like any of them? What about 8MM, for crying out loud? Everyone liked 8MM, right? No? Christ, alright, look. What we're trying to tell you is that Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit acting forever. But before you start shrugging, bear this in mind - Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting so that he can focus on his music career. That sound you can hear right now? That's the sound of your soul groaning.

Greatest News Since Sliced Bread: De Niro & Pacino To Star In Same Film It is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG. That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society. The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies. But, if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites, then right now we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMGs, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

Britney Spears Returns To How I Met Your Mother The all singing, all dancing, bald, umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the world's media Britney Spears is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens. You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you! Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you - as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

Lindsay Lohan Finally Gets A Job

Forget what all those recruitment consultants tell you - the best way to stop being unemployed is to whap your boobies out.

Trust us, it works like a charm. Just look at Lindsay Lohan. She couldn't get an acting job for toffee after she had all that rehab, so she decided to get her norks out in a magazine instead and - bammo - Lindsay Lohan's scored her first post-rehab acting gig, playing Charles Manson's sidekick in a movie by the producer of Barb Wire.

OK, so that first sentence should have read ' the best way to star in a film that nobody's likely to ever watch is to whap your boobies out' but it's too late to change it now.

Big News From Liz Hurley

Stop the clocks. Cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.

Deep down, we at hecklerspray knew this day would inevitably have to come at some point but we tried to tell ourselves otherwise. We lied to ourselves to stop the hurt. But now there’s so much hurt it’s coming out of our ears and dripping onto the floor. Mrs. Hecklerspray will need to get the hoover out.

Are you sitting down? Please sit. Take a deep breath before continuing.

Liz Hurley is giving up acting.