accident - HecklerSpray

HBO Just Loves Killing Horses All The Time, Which Is Fine

March 15th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Apart from when man is rightly making them work, horses are pretty pointless. They defecate, lift up their rubbery lips to show-off their disgusting, stinking gums and have to be killed if they fall over.

Honestly. Horses are stupid and only a posho would disagree (mainly because of vague sentimentality from when they were a spoiled little so-and-so who had a daddy rich enough to buy them horse riding lessons).

And so, hats-off to The World’s Most Credible Television Production House In The Universe (c/o Guardian readers), HBO, for killing a bunch of horses in the name of entertainment. If any horses are reading this and feel offended by it, feel free to invent a keyboard that accommodates your clunking hooves and send us an email.

Sean Kingston Wants You To Pester Him Constantly, Forever, Until He Eventually Snaps

December 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!

Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.

That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.

Sean Kingston Fined For Injuring Miami Bridge With His Stupid Head

September 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We told you that God Almighty wanted to punish Sean Kingston and so, caused the ‘accident’ on his jet ski which saw him trying to crack a Miami bridge open with his head. You didn’t believe us, but it was true.

Well, the punishment isn’t over for the rubbish singer.

As well as angering God, Kingston has also angered godfearing Miami officials who want to let the omnipotent deity know that, if they have to choose sides, then they’d rather go to heaven than listen to tepid pop-RnB.

Lady GaGa Becomes Moving Meat Target For Sharks

August 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Lady GaGa is learning to surf. Ain’t that great? She’s learning to surf in Mexico’s Puerto Vallarta, which must be a lovely way to spend your time. Don’t bother with all that Promoting Your New Single lark. Just take your bushy bushy blonde hairdo to the beach and go surfin’.

The best news is that she’s making “excellent progress”. Aren’t you glad?

Of course, we’re hoping that she’s learning to surf, so she can eventually don her meat frock and ride the waves as a moving target for sharks. If you’re famous and want to make the transition to Legend, then it is a good idea to die young, and die weird. What could be better than getting yourself into the annals of rock history by being mauled to death by a Great White while surfing in a dress made of beef? She should learn shark and shout “You guys are pussies! You guys get beat up by those bitch bottlenose dolphins!” too.

Sean Kingston Wants Jet Ski Death

August 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Sean Kingston and concrete bridges don’t mix. If you haven’t bothered to remember, Kingston crashed his skull into the side of a Miami bridge while on a jet ski. The bridge won. And how. It left Kingston on a life glug in hospital and everyone started praying for him to some false god.

However, Seany is keen to get back onto one of these water-based motorbike things, presumably in an attempt to completely crack his skull intwo this time.

What a cad.

Sean Kingston To Defy God By Going Jet Skiing Again

August 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.

Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.

God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.

Sean Kingston Tweets To God, Proving That The Almighty Tried To Kill Him On His Jetski

June 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.

You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!

The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ?GOD IS GREAT!? in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.

Tori Spelling Has Pretty Big Car Crash While Having A Baby

June 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You don’t really care who Tori Spelling is but, alas, it is the slowest news day of 2011 thus far. This means that not only are we struggling to find celebrities to write about, but the poor paparazzi are chasing absolutely anyone now.

And because all the proper celebrities have obviously taken the day off, every single photographer on Earth decided to harass Tori Spelling because she just happened to be passing and they half recognised her from when she used to be in Beverley Hills 90210.

Sadly for Spelling, she’s not equipped to deal with the press these days and ended up crashing her and her pregnant stomach through a concrete wall which shielded screaming children. Oooops.

Sean Kingston Is Tottering Around After His Jet Ski Accident, Becomes New Jesus

June 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.

Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?

Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.

Sean Kingston Still Critical And We Have A Video Of Jet Ski Crash

June 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

As well you know, Sean Kingston has come away second best after tackling a Miami bridge with his head while crashing his jet ski. What a glamorous way to get yourself injured to the point where you’re in a critical condition, eh?

Of course, there has been a little controversy over the comments made by Miami priest, Sean O?Donoimhennesuaghaghiamh, who feels that Kingston’s accident was an act of God.

Elsewhere, there were worries that Kingston’s jet ski passenger would be pressing charges against the singer. We’re all thinking that he was indulging in some reckless driving on the water, especially given that the police had ruled out the possibility of the young singer being drunk and in-charge of a wave. Or whatever.