If we hate one thing about alleged mental stalkers with cars full of guns, it’s how they screw up your Paso Doble.

Just ask Shawn Johnson. Last week her alleged stalker was arrested in the Dancing With The Stars studio with loaded guns, a roll of duct tape and wads of unsent love letters in his car, and now it’s threatening to overshadow her performances on the show.

So that’s why Shawn Johnson has decided to not discuss the incident in any way, shape or form, as she discussed during a really long interview about the stalker on Access Hollywood.

Appearing on Dancing With The Stars is an activity fraught with danger – if you don’t knacker your back like Steve-O then it’s almost guaranteed that Bruno Tonioli will accidentally take one of your eyes out by prancing round like an attention-seeking toddler when it’s his turn to speak – but nobody could have been prepared for what Shawn Johnson has been through on the show.

Last week Robert O’Ryan was arrested and hit with a restraining order after allegedly going on the sort of stalky rampage against Shawn Johnson that’d get dismissed from a soap opera script meeting for being too overblown – reports suggest that O’Ryan had told everyone that he was going to father Shawn Johnson’s children before filling his car up with loaded guns and duct tape, driving to the Dancing With The Stars studio and scaling a fence to be close to her.

Which is pretty freaky and nightmarish and all, but then again Shawn Johnson should probably know better than to be a incredibly flexible teenage gymnast whose work uniform is basically just about enough lycra to cover her nipples and fanny. That sort of profession is always going to attract the weirdos, Shawn, and nothing you can do will change that. Not even giving yourself a boy’s name. Nice effort with that, by the way. Maybe you’d have more success if you tried augmenting it with a full beard.

Anyway, Shawn Johnson was so spooked by this Dancing With The Stars stalker incident that she’s chosen to open up about it to Access Hollywood. Or open up about the fact that she’s not going to open up about it, at least. Which admittedly doesn’t make any sense, so let’s just get to the quote before we start to have some sort of confusion stroke:

“It’s hard not to take the outside stuff and have it affect you during practice. Of course there’s been a lot going on that you try not to think about — negative, negative things really get to me, ‘cause I’m always the one that’s like, ‘The glass is half full.’ I try to find the positive in everything, so if anybody is negative or down or upset and stuff, it really kind of affects me.”

This display of positive mental attitude is exactly what propelled Shawn Johnson to the top of her game, and it’s a pleasure to witness. That’s why we’re so excited about seeing her next routine on Dancing With The Stars – a graceful Viennese Waltz performed in a lead panic box surrounded by armed security guards and at least 1,500 convincing Shawn Johnson body doubles. It’s going to be spectacular.

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The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray’s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.

They weren’t – as soon as the show finished Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan got divorced and took up with insanely young new partners, Nick Hogan wrapped his car around a tree and went to jail and Brooke Hogan… well that chin of hers isn’t looking any less weird, is it?

So what’s going on? Maybe we’ll never know – after all, the Hogans have sold themselves out to the media before and it’s ended in tears, so the sensible thing to do would be to close ranks and figure out their problems in private. Or, if you’re Brooke Hogan, you’ll just go on Access Hollywood and yammer on about it for ages instead. Which is much more fun. Thanks Brooke!

Looking at the Hogan family, it’s remarkable that they stayed together this long. One parent is a veiny, abnormally large brute with bad hair and skin the colour of a bruised testicle who runs around in tiny red knickers for a living, and the other one is Hulk Hogan.

It couldn’t last, and it didn’t. Linda Hogan filed for divorce from Hulk Hogan right after the family’s reality TV show Hogan Knows Best stumbled to a conclusion, claiming that the marriage was ‘irretrievably broken’ – which we think is code for ‘my husband just beat me in an arm wrestle for the first time ever and it’s affected my sense of self-worth’.

Meanwhile, son Nick Hogan crashed his car so badly that his passenger will remain in constant care for the rest of his life, and he’s ended up doing solitary in jail for it. It’s not a perfect state of affairs by any means, and you get the feeling that if the family ever made another reality TV show it’d probably be called something like Look At This Awful Bunch Of Clueless Dickheads.

But, anyway, what about Brooke Hogan? Now that her brother’s in jail, she’s left all by herself – torn between a father who had it off with one of her friends and a mother that’s currently having it off with a boy she used to go to school with.

What would you do in Brooke Hogan’s situation? Go on Access Hollywood and spout off about all your family’s darkest problems in front of an audience of millions for no constructive reason whatsoever? Good, because that’s what Brooke Hogan chose to do as well. MSNBC quotes Brooke:

“I don’t know it’s — it’s been pretty nuts… I have to admit I did have a little bit of a breakdown one time about that ‘cause my brother and I are inseparable… I do feel like if someone can see me slip up, you know, they would love it because it would complete the family craziness.”

Good for Brooke Hogan, we say. She’s seen the damage that a reality TV show can do to people and – regardless of how stupidly the rest of her family has decided to act in public in the wake of Hogan Knows Best – she’s determined to live the rest of her life with as much dignity as possible, keen never to repeat the past mistakes made by herself and those around her.

Congratulations, Brooke! We have nothing but respect for you!

Brooke Hogan’s new reality TV show Brooke Knows Best debuts on VH1 this Sunday. We’re not making this up. Christ, what a hopeless jizzpot that girl is.

OK, we take that back. Nobody loves a president’s daughter. Nobody at all. In retrospect we probably should have said that presidents’ daughters are all kind of dickish. But that hasn’t stopped presidential hopeful Barack Obama from letting his two daughters – aged seven and 10 – get interviewed by Access Hollywood this week.

Except that Barack Obama wishes that the interview had never taken place. Barack Obama thinks it’s wrong for children to be brought into a political arena. Politics should never adopt cute imagery that cynically tugs on the heartstrings of potential voters, Obama told Matt Lauer today while dressed as a teddy bear and dancing to On The Good Ship Lollipop before adding “I wuv you, Amewica.”

When you’re president of America, your family has a big say in your actions. Hillary Clinton, for example, used her tenure as first lady to push through various healthcare initiatives, while George W Bush happily admits that he only invaded Iraq because one of his children complained about a brown man who bought the last Rise & Shine muffin at Starbucks before she could get to it.

And, as a presidential nominee, Barack Obama is also letting his family dictate his actions to some extent. True, they’re only dictating the actions directly linked with shame and humiliation, but they still count.

All this week Access Hollywood is running a four-part interview with Barack Obama, his wife and his two daughters 10-year-old Malia and seven-year-old Sasha on such hot-button issues as why Barack Obama doesn’t like ice-cream and that one time when Barack Obama shook the hand of his daughter’s friend and everyone thought it was weird except for Barack Obama. Honestly.

On the scale of harmless to forcing your daughter to eat an infected hamburger in front of the national press, Barack Obama’s Access Hollywood interview is pretty unremarkable. However, that hasn’t stopped Obama from getting his knickers in a twist about it, elbowing his way onto the nearest TV show and giving the sort of deep, sincere apology you’d normally expect to hear from a repenting murderer in a church. MSNBC quotes:

“I think that we got carried away in the moment. We were having a birthday party, and everybody was laughing. And suddenly this thing cropped up. I didn’t catch it quickly enough. I was surprised by the attention it received. We wouldn’t do it again, and we won’t be doing it again.”

Barack Obama is absolutely right, of course – his daughters aren’t the ones running for public office and they don’t deserve to be judged by the same standards as their father.

Which is just as well, really, because those girls were a mess. Their diction was all over the place, there wasn’t nearly enough key phrase repetition or open but firm body gestures and whoever did their hair needs to be drowned in a lake. Awful children. No wonder Barack Obama doesn’t want them on TV again.