Access Hollywood - HecklerSpray

Shawn Johnson Keeping It Zipped About Her Boggle-Eyed Stalker

April 3rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If we hate one thing about alleged mental stalkers with cars full of guns, it’s how they screw up your Paso Doble.

Just ask Shawn Johnson. Last week her alleged stalker was arrested in the Dancing With The Stars studio with loaded guns, a roll of duct tape and wads of unsent love letters in his car, and now it’s threatening to overshadow her performances on the show.

So that’s why Shawn Johnson has decided to not discuss the incident in any way, shape or form, as she discussed during a really long interview about the stalker on Access Hollywood.

Michael Phelps May Cure Lindsay Lohan of Being Boring

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray‘s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

Brooke Hogan Explains Exactly Why Her Family Is So Messed Up

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Anyone who watched Hogan Knows Best a) has way too much time on their hands and b) could see that the Hogans seemed happy enough.

They weren’t – as soon as the show finished Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan got divorced and took up with insanely young new partners, Nick Hogan wrapped his car around a tree and went to jail and Brooke Hogan… well that chin of hers isn’t looking any less weird, is it?

So what’s going on? Maybe we’ll never know – after all, the Hogans have sold themselves out to the media before and it’s ended in tears, so the sensible thing to do would be to close ranks and figure out their problems in private. Or, if you’re Brooke Hogan, you’ll just go on Access Hollywood and yammer on about it for ages instead. Which is much more fun. Thanks Brooke!

Barack Obama Regrets Whoring His Kids Out For Interviews

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a president’s daughter – be it the drunk-looking Bush twin or Chelsea Clinton with all that problem hair of hers.

OK, we take that back. Nobody loves a president’s daughter. Nobody at all. In retrospect we probably should have said that presidents’ daughters are all kind of dickish. But that hasn’t stopped presidential hopeful Barack Obama from letting his two daughters – aged seven and 10 – get interviewed by Access Hollywood this week.

Except that Barack Obama wishes that the interview had never taken place. Barack Obama thinks it’s wrong for children to be brought into a political arena. Politics should never adopt cute imagery that cynically tugs on the heartstrings of potential voters, Obama told Matt Lauer today while dressed as a teddy bear and dancing to On The Good Ship Lollipop before adding “I wuv you, Amewica.”