Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I’ve been staying away from political blogs lately because I really don’t have time for that shit. It’s all straight up exhausting, and I’ve got enough on my plate with the shit the Kardashians pull. But sometimes Kellyanne Conway makes it really hard for me to bite my tongue.
When she’s not coining the phrase ‘Alternative Facts’ or making up massacres or trying to get a shopping network job to peddle Ivanka’s shit, she’s coming after feminism for hating dudes and babies.
If you follow this blog then you probably know that I can’t fucking stand Lena Dunham and I think she’s a super privileged, wannabe victim bitch who makes feminism look bad by saying a ton of dumb, self-obsessed and weird shit.
To the shock of LITERALLY NO ONE, Dunham has once again said some dumbass shit that makes her look like a total asshole. This time, stupidly saying how she wishes she’d been able to have an abortion. There are literally not enough eye roll gifs on the planet for this shit.
If there was ever an example that money can’t buy class it would be Donald Drumpf (I only used his fake name for the title. I stand by John Oliver). For about two minutes I was legitimately worried that the sludge monster from “Ferngully” come to life known as Donald Drumpf would potentially become the president of the United States, but, luckily for me, he really fucked himself in the ass today.
During an interview, Drumpf was questioned about abortion and he ACTUALLY said there should be some sort of punishment for women who get abortions; a comment which pissed off both pro-choicers AND pro-lifers. Donald Drumpf is officially Ben Affleck when he said yes to the role in “Gigli”: His career is fucked.
Justin Bieber has released a new song called ‘Boyfriend’ and absolutely no-one over the age of 10 who isn’t an outrageous pederast gives two hoots. However, it does give him the chance to talk about things he has little-to-no clue about.
See, some idiot decided to talk to him like he was a fully formed human, despite the fact the top of his head is still soft and he’s got no noticeable fingerprints.
Basically, Justin ‘not a hair on his balls’ Bieber is going to tell you, world weary and experienced, how to be a good boyfriend.
Fame does strange things to people. Over the years, we've heard diva like demands from people requiring their dressing room to be painted blue, the ingredients in a salad sliced a certain way or that no other DJ play the same record as them.
But whilst famous folk realise that any freakish behaviour will kill their career early, they can count on the fans to support them through thick and sometimes eating disorder thin. Chris Brown can count on Team Breezy to endorse his domestic abuse and phone pinching antics whilst Michael Jackson mentalists have long given us a continual source of comedy gold.
Justin Bieber also has his own hardcore following. Known to the world as Beliebers, they will defend him to the end and lap up anything with his name on. Those who despise Bieber often wish he hadn?t been conceived due to his annoying nation, but how about congratulating the mother herself that she didn't do such a thing? One Belieber amazingly did this.
There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.
The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.
Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!
It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.
The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.
Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.
There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.
The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.
However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.
Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it's the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won't buy them a games console to replace last year?s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.
But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn't the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.
Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn?t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.
Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.
Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls? eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who?ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.
The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl?s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!
