There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.
The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.
Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!
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It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.
The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.
Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.
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There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.
The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.
However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.
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Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.
But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.
Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.
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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.
Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.
The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!
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Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.
So what happened?
Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.
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For once, we’d like to say how proud we are of someone. And the person is none other than Canadian dwarf warbler, Justin Bieber. Despite being twelve months old and having an entertainment career that’s spanned two decades, he’s kept his feet firmly on the floor and not gone off the rails.
You can’t say the same for his fans though.
One look at those guys and you can see some bona fide crazy behaviour. Because they aren’t tall enough to reach most objects, their shortness sparks anger which is usually thrown at h8erz like hecklerspray and Selena Gomez, Bieber’s ladyfriend. Fans of Bieber usually fling themselves at their idol like a footballer does towards brown envelopes of used bank notes. However, there is a way of showing how much you love Bieber without self harming with a Hello Kitty pen. In one backwards town in Texas, one Belieber managed to rename a grotty street after the singer.
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It’s hard to know when you’ve achieved ultimate glory. For football players, gracing the cover of computer games is enough to know they’ve reached the dizzy heights of fame, though the modern player will argue that having a kiss and tell story whored out to the press is the current recognition of stardom. But what about popstars?
Of course, the obligatory merchandising goes with any musician, as branded calendars are labelled as highly collectable, easily enticing young fans to whip out their wallets. Surely every piece of tat to buy has been covered?
Well we certainly thought so, but try telling that to Justin Bieber. Despite just learning to walk, the crooning runt has recently released a perfume called ‘Someday.’ And now, he’s got the flavours of that and remixed them into a new product called the Bieber Bocker Glory. Whilst this sounds like some sort of sordid sex act, we’ve been told it’s an ice cream.
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