Suited or Booted?

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• R.I.P. Steve Jobs – There’s nothing wrong with being snarky but let’s remember this sort of thing.
• US Network Drama – Or rather, why it’s rubbish.
• Movie Posters - If they told the truth, this is probably what they’d say.
• When Bad Films Happen To Good Actors – There’s not a lot of arguing with Shortlist’s exhaustive list.
• Kismot Killer Curry – A curry that hospitalises the people who eat it? Where do we sign up?

Creased

• Celebrity Reporters Are Like Political Correspondents – Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh… wait a minute.
• Movie Stars Are Vampires?! – No, they’re not. Especially not John Travolta. He’s an alien. D’uh.
• If Walls Could Talk – If you’ve got a Smeg fridge, an Aga and a middle class superiority complex then this show is for you. Although hearing Lucy Worsley say ‘wrought’ and ‘proliferation’ is worth the license fee alone.
• Steampunk – Ruined by Wild Wild West & the impending release of The Three Musketeers, you can buy these Star Wars interpretations. If you want. No pressure.
• The Human Centipede II – It’s a video nasty! No, it’s not.

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Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?

What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.

That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.

We’re pleased to announce that the war is finally over. After banning him from Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, ABC has finally lifted its ban on Adam Lambert. True, Adam Lambert might have caused outrage at the American Music Awards by trying to push his tongue so far down his keyboardist’s throat that we thought he was trying to fish out a semi-digested HobNob out of his small intestine, but ABC knows that time – plus the growing sensation that it might be starting to look like someone’s reactionary old uncle – is a great healer.

And that’s why Adam Lambert was allowed on The View yesterday. It was a potentially dangerous situation – it was risky letting Adam appear on a show presented by four obviously gay men, for starters – but any danger was removed by the act of taping the interview prior to transmission. So, while the interview may have contained moments where Adam Lambert shoved a ball-gag into a cameraman’s mouth, or gave a producer the teabagging of his life, or performed an impromptu version of Don’t Rain On My Parade in a bikini made of flamingo feathers, it was all edited out.

And what remained was a lovely chat designed to show America what a lovely boy Adam Lambert can be when he’s not trying to gouge your eye out with his nutsack. EW reports:

When Lambert came out, he said with a laugh, “Protect your children, people!”… While he acknowledged that his AMA appearance was “a little bit lewd” and that he was “experimenting with imagery and performance style,” he admitted that in the future, he’d probably “stay more consistent to the rehearsal” of any TV performance.

From Adam Lambert’s point of view, his appearance couldn’t have gone any better. He didn’t back down or apologise, he seemed to win the majority of the audience over and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even try to stab him in the throat with a pen for being a Godless sodomite once. That alone is quite impressive. We heard that she’s killed for less.

Actually we haven’t heard that at all, but she’s just got that look about her, hasn’t she?

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Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.

Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.

That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.

Forget Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Forget the Berlin wall coming down. This, truly, is the greatest day for equality in all of history. That’s right – Adam Lambert is going to appear on a mediocre daytime TV show hosted by a gang of awful screeching women. Take that, bigots!

Oh, the road that Adam Lambert has walked to get to this point. After kissing a man in the face at the American Music Awards a few weeks ago, Adam Lambert was cast out into the television wilderness. Good Morning America banned him. Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve banned him. The Early Show didn’t ban him, but it did blur out the offending kiss in case the sight of it suddenly turned everyone quite gay.

This wasn’t just a vendetta against Adam Lambert. This was a vendetta against all men who’ve come second in talent shows and then mimed oral sex on a man during a song about S&M on a live television awards show. And, deep down, isn’t that all of us?

However, it turns out that ABC looks like the bad guy here. By banning Adam Lambert from all of its shows, ABC was exposing itself to accusations of homophobia, and that’d never do – after all, ABC broadcasts Desperate Housewives, a TV show starring Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria and two other gay men. Banning Adam Lambert was doing the network’s public image no good at all. So a compromise has been reached – Adam Lambert will appear on The View on Thursday. The Washington Post reports:

Lambert is scheduled to sing on the network’s daytime yakker “The View” on Thursday. That’s the day after Lambert talks with Babs Walters on ABC’S “10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.” Only, unlike three other planned Lambert performances that ABC has canceled in recent days, this week’s performance was taped in advance. This gives ABC time to surgically remove any naughty bits.

Taping Adam Lambert’s appearance in advance is an extremely smart move – not only will it filter out any of Adam’s risque moments, but it’ll also give ABC the chance to edit out the bit where Adam Lambert gets too close to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her head starts involuntarily spinning around and spitting acid everywhere. Everyone’s a winner.

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Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.

It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!

There’s a sick discrimination at the heart of television when it comes to homosexuality. Look at the contrasting treatment of Meredith Baxter and Adam Lambert. Their stories are incredibly similar – Meredith Baxter came out by furtively holding a middle-aged lady’s hand on a lovely cruise, and Adam Lambert came out by skull-bonking a man during a song about graphic sadomasochism on live TV. There’s literally no difference between them whatsoever. And yet the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the media couldn’t be more different.

Meredith Baxter got a high-profile TV interview to discuss her lesbianism – but Adam Lambert? Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. ABC is actively banning him from as many of its shows as possible. It already scrubbed a scheduled Adam Lambert performance from Good Morning America, and now it looks like he’s been given the shove from Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. What next? Will he be banned from appearing on The View? Will Adam Lambert never get to film his cameo as Richard Alpert‘s life partner on Lost?

It’s a mess, but at least GLAAD still has Adam Lambert’s back, right Los Angeles Times?

“It would appear that the kiss between Adam Lambert and his keyboardist did not factor into ABC’s decision,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of GLAAD. “ABC has a history of positive gay and transgender inclusion that includes featuring kisses between gay and lesbian couples on-air.”

That just seems silly. ABC’s fear we can understand – what if Adam Lambert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live swaddled in goose fat, and the sight of it instantly turned Jimmy Kimmel gay, and as a result Jimmy Kimmel got even partially naked? The three people who watch the show would never be the same again – but GLAAD siding with a broadcaster over Adam Lambert seems a little confusing.

But this is just a blip, we’re sure. All this will die down and, so long as he stays true to his principles, Adam Lambert will find a way out of this. Incidentally, Adam Lambert’s new single I Like Holding Hands With Girls (And Fishing And Bowling And Other Wholesome Boy Activities) will be released as soon as is humanly possible.

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Lock up your pet hamsters – because cult 80s TV series V is making a comeback. That’s right, ABC this week greenlit the popular sci-fi programme to the distinct sound of scraping barrels.

Now, if you are not familiar with V, let us explain. It’s about rodent-eating alien lizards who come to Earth and act like a right bunch of Nazis. Think David Icke without the rodents – and the Nazis.

They basically want to nick all our water and then eat us because, well, they are not very nice rodent-eating alien lizards. There are even loads of Nazi-like references to ram home the point.

Warner Bros are going to produce the V remake, while the guy in charge of writing it will be The 4400 co-creator/exec producer Scott Peters – so it is probably going to suck.

But we are trying to stay positive here at Hecklerspray. We are excited about yet another TV series from our childhoods being put through the mangle to make yet more cash – honest.

Hopefully, it will be as good as the Battlestar Galactica remake. One thing is for sure – judging from the clip we have added below – they can’t do any worse with the special effects. Don’t worry kids! The only harm done to any pets included in the clip was to their credibilities as animal actors.

Anyway, speaking to Variety, Peters, who had always insisted he would not do another sci-fi project, says it was an offer he could not refuse. He said:

“Whenever I mention ‘V’ to anybody, they still have a lot of good memories about the original movie and series. Everybody has that imagery of their uniforms, or the visitor eating a hamster. It’s a science fiction icon and too good to pass up.”

So are any of the original cast going to be offered roles in the new series? You would bet they would certainly like to, as the only person to have any semblance of a decent career afterwards was Robert Englund, who is, of course, Freddie Krueger. In fact, you would imagine there are a few stars from the original series who would happily eat their own pets to get included.

Well, the answer is, probably not, because the new series will instead focus on some new characters, and in particular, Erica Evans, a Homeland Security agent whose son falls for their dastardly lizard lies.

One thing is for sure, V no longer stands for ‘victory’.

The human body is a brilliant thing – apart from enabling us to do major stuff like walking, eating and breathing, various parts of our body can also be used for immature fun.

Take the bottom for example. There are tons of alternative words for this piece of flesh. Ass, arse, batty, behind, booty and bum are just some of the brilliant ways to describe it. Sometimes you may have to come to terms with your own bottom while having a shower in the morning. There you see yourself in all your hideous glory. So it’s not like you’d be shocked to see an image of an arse on TV, is it? Apparently so.

NYPD Blue recently showed an episode which depicted a female arse. Not a problem you’d think. Well it is, and there may be some punishment to the network ABC.

America is a glorious nation. It's the frontrunner for telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, a global leader on fighting the war on terror, it won’t let other countries develop nuclear missiles and it's got a leader who won’t sign a piece of paper to cut evil gases emitting into the atmosphere which will consequently see the world imploding. 

With all these serious issues going on, you’d have thought that America would be quite liberal to less serious matters. Of course not, anything that could potentially turn the innocence of a child in to a sex-wielding maniac after seeing a bit of flesh has to be stopped.

Though saying that, Jamie Lynn Spears is probably the perfect example of how a bit of nudity can influence girls into committing acts of underage sex with blokes who should know better.

It’s not the first time that America has grinded to a halt after witnessing a bit of flesh. Who can forget Janet Jackson getting her chest pillows out at the Super Bowl? That’s a sight that nobody really wants to see. We’ve had those sorts of problems before, incidentally, although the police officers wouldn’t take our story of our trousers accidentally falling down inside a strip club seriously. What do they know? 

So what exactly upset several American viewers and forced them to gouge their own eyes out? After a repeat of NYPD Blue from 2003 was shown, the BBC reports that 'multiple, close-up views' of a woman's buttocks were broadcast before the US watershed. Oooh, multiple encounters showing something that both men and women have. Could it get anymore offensive? Apparently so:

“The scene in the police drama shows a boy surprising a naked woman as she prepared to take a shower. The FCC said it received several complaints about the sequence, which also showed one of the woman's breasts.”

Hmm, we could see why this may cause a few problems – but if reports are to be believed, a warning was issued before the shows going out: 

“An ABC spokeswoman said that the program was broadcast with parental warnings and that "the realistic nature of NYPD Blue's storylines was well-known to the viewing public". 

We can believe that. When was the last time the police busted a crack den and let the occupants dress appropriately before being sent downtown? Never, that’s when. But because it seems most Americans want to live in a fairytale land which is wrapped up in glittery cotton wool, a fine of $1.4m is going to be imposed on the network that broadcast the scene.

But it doesn’t stop there. The fine will be placed upon all 52 stations that showed the episode. It just goes to show that there's nothing as evil as arses. Which sort of makes hip-hop videos worse than Hitler. We think. 

Read more:

US network faces $1m nudity fine – BBC