And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.

What gives?

A publicist for the Carter family confirmed the young woman’s death, but provided no details Wednesday on where or how she died.

A statement from the family says they’re grieving for Carter and requested “the utmost privacy.”

Leslie of course, released a single called ‘Like Wow’ which was on the soundtrack for ‘Shrek’ and of course, she was a star of the reality show ‘House of Carters.’

That all taken into account, we’ve no idea how to react to this.

Basically, Leslie Carter is a veritable nobody, so we really shouldn’t care. However, she’s a dead 25 year old woman, which is pretty dreadful, however she died.

So what are we supposed to do? If word gets out it was drugs or drink or, indeed, a sexual misadventure, we can assume the position of ‘Haw! Haw! How very funny!‘ but if it transpires that she died of something upsetting, then we’ll have to wring our hands and work out whether she’s important enough to feign upset over.

This is all very inconsiderate of the Carter family. We’re aware that they’re grieving, but really, they should’ve thought of us lot first.

We simply don’t know what to do.

There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.

The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”

Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson.

THAT’S RIGHT! Despite being dead for over 2 years, it’s time for yet another instalment of, ‘What inappropriate thing has Wacko Jacko done now?’

According to poor, sweet little Aaron (now 23 and somewhat less cute than he once was), during his early teenage years he spent a lot of time hanging out with The King of Pop, which would be a dream come true for any impressionable young singer.

It was during his time spent with Jackson that Carter claims that Jacko brought out the Jesus Juice and proceeded to ply the underage pop sensation with wine and cocaine.

Now why would a fully-grown man need to give an unsupervised minor entrusted into his care intoxicating substances? No, seriously… if anyone could tell us that would be great, the only things we can think of would result in our, rather overworked, lawyer having a heart attack if we published them.

Carter was quoted as saying:

“I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.”

Which sounds downright sinister to us. His mum even had to call the police in when she found out what Jackson had been doing to her poor sweet little boy.

For now, let’s just take some time to remember Aaron in his more innocent days:

If only it was just Candy that wanted you, eh Aaron?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Remember Aaron Carter? Yeah, he was that pint-sized little squirt who burst briefly onto the pop-scene with his Hitler Youth haircut and tiny little gurning face and made literally dozens of girls scream until their undercrackers needed incinerating.

Well, like all good child-stars-who-grow-up, Aaron Carter has decided to become a train wreck of an adult.

That’s right! Now that fame has left him like a cruel other half running off with someone younger, more sprightly and better looking, Aaron has decided to kill the melancholy in his mind with a series of addictions, thereby, giving us all the chance to sneer at him because his problems are different to ours.

Like all good Americans should, the former Dancing with the Stars contestant has shipped himself off to a rehab center so he can get treatment for his ‘addiction problems’.

That’s right. He went there all by himself without a court getting involved or anything like that. Of course, his publicist probably helped him out and got a few ‘sources’ and ‘pals’ to come forward and wring their hands for the collective ‘we’ that is The Press.

Oh look! Here’s one now! A source helpfully says:

“He was struggling recently and needed this”

There you go! That adds some credibility to proceedings doesn’t it? Anyway, it has been reported that Carter’s manager – a shill called Johnny Wright – said that Carter came to him a few months ago wanting to return to music and restart his career, despite the fact that 90% of Carter’s act in the first place was the novelty of being a child. Now he’s an adult… well…

Wright says:

“Aaron, understanding the challenges and hard work it would take to get himself back to the top, requested to take some time before we started to heal some emotional and spiritual issues he was dealing with.”

“Therefore he has chosen to enter a facility where he feels he will get the guidance and cleansing he needs that will help him on the music journey he’s about to take. He asks that everyone keep him in their prayers and that they respect his privacy at this time.”

That’s all well-and-good, but we want to know what he’s addicted to. It’s no good telling everyone about him needing ‘spiritual guidance’ (hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha) for his addictions if we don’t get the gossip. For all we know, he might be addicted to Kinder Eggs because he really likes the little toys.

That said, Carter was arrested for marijuana possession a few years ago, so we can only hope he’s hooked on something stronger.

Expect the hideously malformed muscular physique of Carter to re-emerge, blinking in the sunlight of a rehab facility with virtually no media coverage.

Here’s Aaron in his prime, ruining a perfectly good song with his cover of The Jets’ ‘Crush On You’.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.

It’s OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?

Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We’re in the clear.

We’re one week closer to discovering the winner of Dancing With The Stars. Actually, we take that back. We’re one week closer to discovering that Mya has won Dancing With The Stars. Because, goodness, it’ll be a sad day if any of the others beat her. Especially if it’s Kelly Osbourne. If we were Mya, and Kelly Osbourne was deemed to be a better dancer than us before an audience of millions, we’d go away and shatter our shins with a clawhammer. Just saying.

But we’ve got that to look forward to. At least we know for sure that Aaron Carter definitely won’t beat Mya at Dancing With The Stars, because he was booted off the show last night. Poor Aaron, he’s provided us with so much entertainment over the years – by taking all the drugs, embarking on the world’s most disastrous engagement, having it off with Lindsay Lohan and generally being so obnoxious that even Hulk Hogan‘s family, the most obnoxious family in all of mankind, picked up on it – but he’ll just have to live with the fact that he isn’t as good at dancing as Kelly Osbourne. AP reports:

Carter cried early in the competition after harsh remarks from the judges… Head judge Len Goodman praised the young singer for his dedication. “You’re an inspiration to all young people that anything is possible,” Goodman said. “If you were my son, I would be so proud of you.”

And you know what? We’d be proud of Aaron Carter if he was our son, too. True, we’d have immediately crushed our testicles between two breezeblocks the instant he was born to prevent us ever repeating the atrocity, but if he ended up coming fifth in a televised dancing contest then we might be slightly proud of him. Fleetingly.

But at least Dancing With The Stars protected Aaron Carter from the magnitude of his failure this week. He may have come last, but at least they booked Susan Boyle and Michael Buble as musical guests to ensure that he wasn’t the very worst thing on the show. Although, based on this formula, to make Kelly Osbourne look good on the week she’s eliminated they’ll need to feature vocal performances by Josef Fritzl and Mumm-Ra The Everliving. Or something.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

We’ll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we’ll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are… no, wait, it’s gone. We’ll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one’s an American footballer and the other’s the Iron Chef guy.

Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy – whose names we have already forgotten – were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That’s basically the gist, more or less.

OK, hands up – when we announced the participants in this season of Dancing With The Stars, who honestly thought that Kelly Osbourne or Aaron Carter would make the final five? That’s right – none of you. And who could blame you? After all, logic dictates that Kelly Osbourne should have clumsily tripped over and snapped one of her femurs off in the middle of an Argentine Tango by now. And, honestly, the thought of people actually paying to endorse Aaron Carter in any pursuit whatsoever genuinely makes us hate the world a little bit.

But there they are. This year’s batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants has been whittled down to five, and both Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter are there. From this, we can only draw one conclusion – that everyone else on this season of Dancing With The Stars has been completely bloody awful. That’s right, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, we’re looking at you.

Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos became the latest contestants to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night – Dacascos left because he lost a tense dance-off with Carter, and Irvin left because he’s so overwhelmingly atrocious at dancing that even the sight of him in his stupid spangly vest tops made most normal people instantly develop an irrational fear of dance. Anyway, AP reports:

Irwin finished his run on the hit ABC show with his highest score of the season. “Last night was a great night, and to see the audience here standing up, it’s their way of saying they appreciate the hard work,” Irwin said after learning his fate… Dacascos said being on the show was “one of the greatest experiences of my life.”

So with Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos no longer in action, that just leaves Kelly Osbourne, Aaron Carter, Mya, Donny Osmond and Joanna Krupa in the running to win Dancing With The Stars. Only one can win. Only one will be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion.

Actually, that’s a lot of rubbish. The winner might be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion, but only for about five minutes. After that the show will cobble together another bunch of contestants – who will be very slightly less famous than this lot – for next spring and everyone from this season will be completely forgotten about. Even so, it can’t be Aaron Carter, can it? Can it?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Oh Natalie Coughlin, we hardly knew you. No, literally, we’re still not completely sure who you are.

And now you’re gone. Last night Natalie Coughlin became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after a nail-biting dance-off with Aaron Carter. So in many ways she’s lucky that she only went home, because we’ve always been of the understanding that anybody who is worse than Aaron Carter at anything at all should be smacked on the head and thrown to the lions.

In other Dancing With The Stars news, Kelly Osbourne hasn’t been eliminated yet. We know! Weird!

Here’s a theory: if Dancing With The Stars was called Swimming Without The Stars, Natalie Coughlin would have at least reached the quarter finals. This theory is based on two unequivocal facts - 1) Natalie Coughlin is a swimmer and not a dancer, and 2) Natalie Coughlin couldn’t be any less famous if she tried.

But what’s the point of wallowing in all these hopeless what-ifs? The fact of the matter is that Natalie Coughlin was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, and there’s nothing that anybody could have done about it. Apart from, you know, picking up the telephone and voting for her. But who’d do that? The woman was rubbish.

Actually, no, that’s unfair. Natalie Coughlin wasn’t a rubbish dancer at all. In fact, you could argue that she was one of the best dancers in the entire competition. So instead let’s just say that she was voted off Dancing With The Stars because she’s inherently unlikeable as a human being and she wouldn’t know what a personality was if you smacked her on the arse with it. Yes, that seems fair. Access Hollywood reports:

Natalie blamed the ousting on having not revealed enough enthusiasm for the show. “I love this so much and I guess I didn’t show it — how much I loved it — but I really did and I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m very disappointed,” [judge] Carrie Ann said. “Audience! Vote people! You’ve always had this incredible ability to mix strength and flexibility as well as fluidity, which is very unique.”

Although she’s probably quite upset at her comparatively early exit from Dancing With The Stars, Natalie Coughlin should look on the bright side – at least she did better than that old man and the woman from Entourage and Elizabeth Taylor‘s friend and that terrifying cagefighter chap. On the other hand, though, she hasn’t done as well as Kelly Osbourne or Sabrina The Teenage Witch or Aaron Carter, and the only sensible reaction to that is to go home and enter into a depressive cycle of morbid alcoholism and self-harm.

So, you know, it’s swings and roundabouts.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Getting Kelly Osbourne on Dancing With The Stars this year was nothing short of a masterstroke. We mean that.

Someone wins whatever happens. If Kelly Osbourne goes on to win Dancing With The Stars, it’ll be an epic display of triumph over adversity. And if Kelly Osbourne does terribly at Dancing With The Stars, clattering around the dancefloor week after week like some kind of epileptic Weeble until the judges do the decent thing and shoot her like a knackered racehorse, then it’ll be exactly what everyone expected.

Last night Kelly Osbourne did the latter. Which works out best for us, really.

When we announced this year’s Dancing With The Stars line-up back in August, we never really expected it happen. It was just too odd, even for Dancing With The Stars – a show that has previously given over periods primetime television to showcase the balletic abilities of Steve Guttenberg and the one from Jackass who’s recently spent the most amount of time inside a mental hospital.

This year, though, was different. This year Dancing With The Stars picked a roster of contestants so mind-boggling that watching it promised to be the television equivalent of gulping down three pints of toilet bleach and then puking into a kaleidoscope while 15 different off-key music boxes play the Grange Hill theme-tune backwards to a squadron of cackling three-year-old identical twins. Aaron Carter‘s there. Macy Gray is there. Former United States House of Representatives majority leader Tom DeLay is there. And so is Kelly Osbourne.

Here’s the most unsettling thing, though – on last week’s Dancing With The Stars, Kelly Osbourne was actually quite good. Whether that’s because she actually demonstrated a decent level of competency in her routine, or whether it was because everyone had such a staggeringly low opinion of her that just the sight of her deliberately moving around without crying or punching anyone was a pleasant surprise is anyone’s guess. But the point was this – Kelly Osbourne looked like she could win Dancing With The Stars.

And then she came out last night and effed everything up. E! Online reports:

Sadly, the belle of last week’s ball landed with a bit of a thud tonight, repeatedly flubbing the steps of her tango, giggling nervously each time, and not bothering to mask her disappointment when the dance ended and, instead of holding the final pose for emphasis, she popped right out of it and apologized to her partner.

That sound you hear? That’s the universe righting itself. For a minute there we were worried – if Kelly Osbourne succeeded at Dancing With The Stars, then anything could happen. Ozzy Osbourne might suddenly become lucid. Jack Osbourne might suddenly develop a point. God, Sharon Osbourne might even start talking in a voice that doesn’t make her sound like a furious tiny witch trapped in the bottom of a well. Thank heavens it was just a momentary blip.

Not that we’re suggesting that Kelly Osbourne should leave Dancing With The Stars, of course – because at the rate she’s going it’s only a matter of time before one of her legs shears off and she somehow impales herself on her own jagged femur. And that’d definitely be worth watching.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.

It’s true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren’t actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word ‘The’ suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn’t dancing. Third, we’re not dancing with anyone – we’re just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit.

Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who’s in it? Find out after the jump.

OK, no messing around. Dancing With The Stars returns for a new season starts on September 21. Can this new season surpass the mighty last season of Dancing With The Stars, which was won by a girl who looked about four, had a boy’s name and was in possession of one of the world’s creepiest stalkers?

No. No, obviously it can’t. Because that was awesome. Nevertheless, the new Dancing With The Stars contestants have been revealed – and they are…

Mya – No, not MIA. Mya. Oh, come on, you remember Mya – she performed on that Lady Marmalade song. No, she’s not Pink. Or Christina Aguilera. Or Missy Elliott. Or Lil’ Kim. The other one. Yes, there was another one. It was news to us too.

Melissa Joan Hart – It’s Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Fun fact: Melissa Joan Hart is 33 years old, which is weird because she looked about 40 in the last couple of Sabrina years. Either Melissa Joan Hart is lying about her age or she’s got awful genes.

Michael Irvin – Former Dallas cowboy. That doesn’t mean that he used to be a professional footballer – it means he used to ride around modern-day Dallas on a horse, getting into bar fights and shooting prostitutes. Legal note: Michael Irvin may not have literally shot a prostitute.

Ashley Hamilton - Ashley’s Dancing With The Stars profile describes him as an ‘actor, comedian, singer-songwriter’ which, just in case you didn’t know, is Hollywood code for ‘his dad is George Hamilton so he’s allowed to witlessly blunder through as many cack-headed half-thought-out careers as he likes because he’ll be minted as soon as the old man snuffs it’.

Aaron Carter - World’s most annoying three-year-old boy.

Kathy Ireland – Kathy Ireland used to be a model, so expect her to progress 75% of the way through Dancing With The Stars until it’s no longer feasible for the public to keep her in just because she’s a bit milfy.

Debi Mazar - Occasionally appears in four-second scenes on some episodes of Entourage. And that’s literally it.

Natalie Coughlin – This year’s Dancing With The Stars winner, on the basis that she’s an athlete and that’s how it works.

Louie Vito – Louis Vito is a professional snowboarder and not, as his name suggests, a character from The Sopranos. Could have fooled us.

Chuck Liddell - Hoping to bring his extensive Ultimate Fighting expertise to Dancing With The Stars. Our prediction? He’ll stub his toe after a fortnight in and cry off sick, the GREAT BIG GIRL.

Donny Osmond – Most famous, of course, for appearing on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with a fire-eyed bear who spoke in the lifeless voice of a thousand children and stank of table seasoning. This is true.

Tom DeLay - This year’s obligatory Hilarious Old Man Who Doesn’t Understand That Dancing With The Stars Will Destroy Whatever Meagre Credibility He’s Spent His Entire Life Trying To Scrape Together.

Macy Gray - The biggest problem that Macy Gray faces isn’t basic coordination – it’s building the strength in her neck to support her giant building-sized Easter Island head for the entire duration of a routine.

Joanna Krupa – Not a clue. Sorry. We can’t even be bothered to Google this one.

Mark Dacascos - From Iron Chef, which has always annoyed us because it makes out that being an iron chef is good, when actually iron’s capacity for heat conduction is so high that it’s actually probably quite a dangerous thing to be. Silica Chef, that’s the thing to be.

Kelly Osbourne – Wet-mouthed rehab bunny who’s taking on part of the great global Osbourne dancing reality show takeover of 2009, with Sharon Osbourne rumoured to be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and Ozzy Osbourne planning to jig about under a CCTV camera in a car park in Thurrock for 25 seconds.

Exciting, huh? Huh? Anyone? Hello? Oh come back you gigantic sods.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You have to hand it to Aaron Carter – not a single person has even so much as thought of him for at least a year, but his dedication to stereotypical child star behaviour should be applauded.

We're being serious here – look at what Aaron Carter has accomplished. He's the relative of someone far more famous than he is, he's been in a terrible reality TV show, he has pointless facial hair and he's embarked on a hopelessly misguided engagement. There's just one thing that Aaron carter has missed from that checklist. 

And now he's just ticked it off. Aaron Carter, you see, has just been arrested on suspicion of marijuana possession in Texas. Good work, Aaron. Go to the top of the class. That's right, next to Lindsay Lohan.

If tawdry tabloid stories about Hollywood dimwits that you genuinely couldn't give a stuff about was a game of Kerplunk, then there's a good case for nominating Aaron Carter as the flimsy plastic needle that holds everything together. Aaron Carter has apparently dated Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Hulk Hogan's daughter, plus he divorced his own parents once and was briefly engaged to a slutty beauty queen who'd previously dated his older brother before they inevitably broke it off about 30 seconds later.

Honestly, take Aaron Carter out of the equation and everything falls apart. Which is a pain, because it looks like the Kimble County Sheriff's Office in Texas is pretty keen to take Aaron Carter out of the equation. But that probably serves Aaron Carter right for speeding when he knew he had drugs in his car ready for police officers to stumble across. E! Online reports:

The 20-year-old singer was arrested Thursday in Texas on suspicion of drug possession after cops pulled him over for speeding and allegedly found marijuana in his Cadillac Escalade. Per the Kimble County Sheriff's Office, Carter was still in custody Thursday night in anticipation of his arraignment Friday morning. Sheriff Mike Chapman said the Aaron's Party purveyor was driving alone when he stopped in Junction at about noon. Officers found less than 2 ounces of pot in the vehicle, he said.

Although it's a little bit shocking to think that little Aaron Carter, the floppy-haired 10-year-old who annoyed the living shit out you a decade ago with that godawful Crush On You song, has turned to drugs, you shouldn't be surprised. After all, if you were Aaron Carter, wouldn't you try to get blasted off your face as often as possible just to forget that you were Aaron Carter even for a moment? Of course you would.

Anyway, Aaron Carter should just be thankful that he was arrested on suspicion of drug possession in Texas rather than Dubai, because the officials there would have slapped him silly. Not for the drugs thing – they'd have just locked him up for four years for that – but because Aaron Carter's got a gay little chin-beard and, well, doesn't that deserve a slapping?

Read more:

Aaron Carter Popped for Pot – E! Online