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And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.
The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.
What gives?
There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.
The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”
Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson. Read More >>>
Remember Aaron Carter? Yeah, he was that pint-sized little squirt who burst briefly onto the pop-scene with his Hitler Youth haircut and tiny little gurning face and made literally dozens of girls scream until their undercrackers needed incinerating.
Well, like all good child-stars-who-grow-up, Aaron Carter has decided to become a train wreck of an adult.
That’s right! Now that fame has left him like a cruel other half running off with someone younger, more sprightly and better looking, Aaron has decided to kill the melancholy in his mind with a series of addictions, thereby, giving us all the chance to sneer at him because his problems are different to ours.
Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.
It’s OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?
Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We’re in the clear.
Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.
We’ll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we’ll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are… no, wait, it’s gone. We’ll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one’s an American footballer and the other’s the Iron Chef guy.
Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy – whose names we have already forgotten – were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That’s basically the gist, more or less.
Oh Natalie Coughlin, we hardly knew you. No, literally, we’re still not completely sure who you are.
And now you’re gone. Last night Natalie Coughlin became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after a nail-biting dance-off with Aaron Carter. So in many ways she’s lucky that she only went home, because we’ve always been of the understanding that anybody who is worse than Aaron Carter at anything at all should be smacked on the head and thrown to the lions.
In other Dancing With The Stars news, Kelly Osbourne hasn’t been eliminated yet. We know! Weird!
Getting Kelly Osbourne on Dancing With The Stars this year was nothing short of a masterstroke. We mean that.
Someone wins whatever happens. If Kelly Osbourne goes on to win Dancing With The Stars, it’ll be an epic display of triumph over adversity. And if Kelly Osbourne does terribly at Dancing With The Stars, clattering around the dancefloor week after week like some kind of epileptic Weeble until the judges do the decent thing and shoot her like a knackered racehorse, then it’ll be exactly what everyone expected.
Last night Kelly Osbourne did the latter. Which works out best for us, really.
Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.
It’s true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren’t actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word ‘The’ suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn’t dancing. Third, we’re not dancing with anyone – we’re just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit.
Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who’s in it? Find out after the jump.
