If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce would be to donate $500,000 to said high-profile person’s charity’ then you would be correct. You would also have used an overly wordy response. But you would be right, and we won’t take that away from you.

It would seem that this was yet another lesson in the world of today that Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez was never taught, seeing as he’s only ruddy well gone and agreed to donate half a million dollars to Madonna’s charity, Raising Malawi, while he’s both rumoured to be more than friends with Madge and is part way through E-vorcing his wife. Which is costing him a lot of money.

He could at least have waited a bit, the big, silly, baseball man.

But no, A-Rod is probably too far gone in his brainwashing to turn Madonna down, seemingly feeling that he has to pay the money out right now. But all is not lost for the baseball supremo, as it would seem the mind-warping kabbalah hasn’t completely broken down his resolve. Speaking to the New York Daily News, a source said:

“They’ve asked him for a million dollars, and I hear he’s agreed to give at least $500,000.”

So unless it’s some kind of evil kabbalah test to see how well A-Rod’s mind has handled the brainwashing, it would seem the man is still in control of some of his faculties. His financial ones, at least.

The charity in question which Rodriguez donated to is Madonna’s pet project, aiming to get schools built in Malawi. While it has been denied that these schools will be kabbalah brainwashing centres, there is still the chance that their function is to either train these children to be gap-toothed hags with no talent, or possibly just big men who hit things with sticks for a living. Or even gap-toothed hagmen with no talent who hit things with sticks for a living, while wearing leotards that bit too tight.

A chilling thought, we’re sure you’ll agree.

We can get one thing from all of this though – if A-Rod reads this story, which he’s sure to do as hecklerspray is a worldwide phenomenon, he may finally pick up on at least one of life’s lessons. In future, Alex, if you’re trying to deny any kind of relationship with Madonna, just don’t donate half a million dollars to her.

It’s a simple one and we know it can be easy to overlook, but take the point on board and make sure you don’t make the mistake again. Discretion being the better part of valour, and all that guff.

Unless you want to donate $500,000 to make Guy Ritchie just go away forever. That we would heartily recommend.

So it’s a good thing that celebrity divorces are full of such fun and delights to keep us all entertained, helping us forget that the whole experience can be physically and mentally exhausting, as well as devastating on an emotional level.

Thank Thor then, as it would seem that A-Rod’s divorce is something of a trailblazer when it comes to this new breed of entertaining divorces, or e-vorces, as we’re not really going to call them. And for once it’s not all down to the involvement of Madonna.

Yes, the man who is famous because he hits balls with a stick is in the throes of a divorce to get away from his wife, C-Rod, or whatever she’s called. Far from being the dull, lifeless and thoroughly heartbreaking incident that divorce normally tends to be, this one has been full of fun and surprises for the whole family.

Who could forget the evil mind control Madonna apparently used on A-Rod? The fact that the ancient pop-harpy is his effing soulmate? Or, more recently, the involvement of Black Ops specialists, MI6 and the CIA, in trying to help A-Rod’s side of the divorce case?

Brilliant.

But, as with everything that’s ever happened in the world, the goodness runs out. The entertainment fades. The curtains draw. And now we’re left with Alex Rodriguez and his soon-to-be-ex wife Cynthia bickering in semi-private over some petty little details. They’re not even blowing things out of proportion, or going to court and doing the public service of answering embarrassing questions. It’s so selfish of them.

Yes, we’re back to the gold standard of any divorce case – money, who gets it, whether he actually cheated on her, who gets the kids and the matter of a pre-nuptial agreement. She wants money, joint custody and for him to admit he was the master of infidelity.

He wants his money, his kids, his house and to ignore the infidelity claims.

Can’t we even get one more ridiculously overblown story out of this? Hopefully involving another strange religion, a bit more of Madonna and her gap-toothed mug and possibly some allegations of inappropriate use of a baseball bat? That would make the whole thing far more entertaining for us at hecklerspray.

And obviously that’s what really matters here – entertainment value.

But what about Madonna? Is she waiting outside the courthouse ready to lock A-Rod in a hypno-mesma-stare of doom, thus finally stealing him away forever? Alas, no, she’s attending some kind of spiritual marriage guidance, probably involving space rays or something, to try and stay with her beloved hubby Guy Ritchie… sorry, we can’t help but snigger at that.

Best of luck to all involved. We sincerely hope something monumentous occurs, so we can all have a good hard laugh about it. We were getting used to the world of e-vorces (sorry), now it seems to have gone a bit… well… normal.

Shame.

But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no – she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait – what?

Yes, the jealous spouting of a woman scorned has taken another turn for the 'huh?' as Cynthia Rodriguez revealed, through an anonymous friend, that she believed Madonna has been using kabbalah, the mystical side of Judaism, to warp her husband's mind. Oh that's right – blame the Jews again, it's not like they don't already get the flack for everything else in the world, ever.

Cynthia may have a point though – the rumours have been flying about that Madge and Alex have become closer than just close friends , as well as that her marriage to Guy Ritchie is on the road to destruction , and not just because she's woken up to what a no-talent arseclown Ritchie actually is. At least Alex can hit balls really hard, or something. He's probably a more convincing cockney too.

None of it is definite, there's a lot of aimless speculation – the kind we really like – and there are some audacious claims flying around. It's a fine recipe for disaster already, prime for the tabloid vultures (hello!) to come in and pick the carcass dry. Then the rogue element is introduced and all hell breaks loose – this is another moment that needs to be fully taken in, so sit back and read it one more time: Madonna, as in 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Material Girl' and some other, newer, shitter songs, is being accused of controlling the mind of a man she is supposedly having it off with.

There are times when you just don't need words; all you need is to react to whatever is going on.

The 'friend' of Cynthia told the press that this is what the estranged wife thought, through the miraculous powers of language:

"I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him, I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a
sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and
calculating."

Well, consider hecklerspray convinced – that sounds like grade 'A', bona-fide Jewish mind control of the highest order. Just the kind of ridiculous crap Madonna would be likely to partake in, like having a gap-tooth or a ridiculous camel toe on show, even though she's about 86-years-old. It's a pretty open and shut case, to be honest.

There is always a chance that this is just a jealous rant by a heartbroken woman, and something that seems likely given her fragile state of mind. After all – who doesn't want to blame the Jews every now and then?

But if this is a pile of truth nuggets, we just hope Madge can further brainwash Alex Rodriguez into thinking (or should that be 'knowing'?) that A-Rod is the single most ridiculous name ever given to anyone, anywhere, ever, and it makes him sound like a massive prick. In more ways than one.

One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.

If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.

It's no secret that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna can get a little bit fractious at times. For almost the entire length of their union they've weathered claims that they're constantly on the cusp of splitting up – but what do you expect? They're both notoriously headstrong career-minded individuals – Madonna has single-handedly smashed gender barriers to become one of the most consistently famous people on earth, while Guy Ritchie is so obsessive about his work that he often won't stop slaving over a movie until it's completely unwatchable.

But this time the divorce rumours seem to be sticking, not least because Madonna has actually hired a divorce lawyer. But why? What's caused this dramatic break-up?

Was it the strain that the adoption of David Banda put on the marriage? Was it because Guy Ritchie accidentally watched a copy of Madonna's 1993 erotic thriller Body Of Evidence and realised that not even he thought Madonna was very sexy? Was it because Madonna dry-heaved constantly during the recording of that song about how good Guy Ritchie is at sex?

Or was it because Madonna's been using her tooth-gap as a kind of semi-regular holding nook for Alex Rodriguez's penis? We don't know, but that doesn't mean we can't idly speculate about it for fun.

Alex Rodriguez is famous for two things. One is playing baseball, which we hear is the most erotic overlong stoppage-filled American spectator sport around. The other is that his nickname is A-Rod, which makes him sound like an on-call plumbing service.

Having said that, Alex Rodriguez is probably about to become much more famous for his sneaky late night visits to Madonna's apartment, including one time right after his his wife had just given birth to a baby. Are they doing it? Us Weekly bravely investigates:

One source tells Us that Rodriguez, 32, visited the singer, 49, possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth. A source tells Us, that Madonna has been hosting late-night visits… and he would sneak out "as late as midnight." Rodriguez also attended Madonna's concert at Roseland in NYC on April 30. "He was very chummy with her after her Roseland concert," a source tells Us.

While claims of an affair have been denied by Madonna's publicist, it wouldn't be an unthinkable scenario – Alex Rodriguez has previously been busted in the press for hanging out with strippers on trips away from his wife, while Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie and therefore probably desperate to have sex with someone that doesn't look like a potato for once. We'll just have to wait and see whether these claims hold any water.

Let's hope they don't, because then Madonna would have a hopeless movie career and a sportsman boyfriend – she'd just be one cacky reality TV show away from turning into Jessica Simpson. Seriously, one's enough.