Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Wahlberg asserted that he would have stopped terrorists from flying a perfectly nice plane into New York’s World Trade Center on Sept. 11 if he had been on it.

In an interview with Men’s Fitness, he said:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Get that? If you were on that plane and are now reading this as a ghost, then you suck. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t suck. He would’ve roundhouse kicked the terrorists until their heads came clean off. He wouldn’t just sit their, munching peanuts and drinking gin from a small tin can.

We assume that’s what he meant, right? It certainly looks like he’s saying that those who perished on that infamous flight didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.

Wait. He’s apologised hasn’t he?

Wahlberg is now saying that his speculation was:

“ridiculous to begin with.” And that to suggest he “would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.”

Thank you Mark Wahlberg. Celebrities have been a bit too guarded recently, so we’re grateful that you let your mouth run-off without kicking your brain in.

Can you pass judgement on the American soldiers who took a leak on insurgent corpses now? That’d be sweet. Oh, and good luck with your burger bar. Maybe you could make a double-stack burger in tribute to the World Trade Centre by way of apology?

Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.

Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.

And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?

Of course, doctors being doctors, nurses being nurses, the  nature of the emergency wasn’t immediately revealed… HOWEVER… thankfully we’ve got TMZ around to forage the bins and chase the ambulances for us, and it appears that they’re under the impression that Locklear may have mixed alcohol and prescription medication.

Excellent work.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Mike Aranda told People magazine:

“Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear’s residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention.”

Yes, that’s all well and good. The only thing we really want to know is: Will she die?

See, the deathly nature of such a story is absolutely key. We need to know whether to laugh about it all, or indeed, make a martyr of her. That’s what we do. We a guided solely by understanding the gravity of a situation. We need to know whether Heather Locklear is dead! OKAY?

That said, we are allowed some flippancy on this one. Why? Well, despite being rushed to hospital with sirens honking, Locklear’s daughter, Ava Sambora, found time to tweet the touching message of:

“Well this sucks.”

Locklear has been in-and-out of hospital and has been arrested for drink-driving, so this could be ‘a cry for help’ or something because she seems to be coming apart at the seams.

Which is obviously great for vultures like us.

Odious slit-eyed dolt Matt Cardle has decided to further distance himself from the leagues of likeability this week by joining the ranks of Charlie Sheen, Lee Ryan, David Shayler et al by making dubious comments regarding the circumstances surrounding 9/11.

Whilst dodging his destined career as a Wetherspoons deputy-manager, the unflattering-hat enthusiast has stated that:

“The whole 9/11 thing… something’s not quite right there.”

Reports are unclear, but we understand the relatives of the 2,998 people who died as a result of the attacks are framing pictures of Matt ‘bloody’ Cardle as we speak, delighted as they are to have a small-town stubbly talent-show-nobody cast doubt upon the circumstances of the appalling death of their beloved kinfolk.

The entirely fictitious Mrs.Houndslow of Wisconsin, whose son Jack perished in a cloud of dusty red bone and flesh in the bowels of the South Tower is quoted as saying, in a completely imaginary interview with us:

“Thank God and Jesus that the United Kingdom’s X-Factor winner of whatever year it was Matthew Cardle and his hat/cap are on the case. NOW we may finally get some answers. Other than the current answers we have that make perfect sense.”

Matthew “Matt” Cardle’s “something’s not quite right” allegation may yet see the FBI re-opening their investigation, and also lead to him suffering several disingenuous interviews with Jon Ronson.

Mis-hearing the news that he was “in the X-Factor” for “in the X-files” the human embodiment of the word ‘smug’ Cardle further gifted the world by stating:

“It’s just not what they say it is. Other conspiracies might be true and the one I believe might also be bulls**t. But all I do know is what they’re saying is bulls**t.

“From the things I’ve seen… I don’t care what anyone says. To not question it is silly, I think.”

The alleged singer-songwriter, unaware of the fact that he had just broken all the rules not only of grammar but of logic and of the English language in general, seemed blissfully unaware that hundreds of still-mourning families may not welcome his admittedly insightful “bulls**t” hypothesis.

Reports that his silly bloody hats are lined with tin-foil are unconfirmed at time of publication.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

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Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

That’s right kiddiekins! Tony Bennett is opening that old mouth of his and talking about 9/11. He says that the whole attack on the World Trade Centre (et al) is solely the fault of Americans themselves.

What, so they waved the planes into the side of the building?

Of course not. Bennett said to Howard Stern:

“I’m anti-war. It’s the lowest form of human behaviour.”

“To start a war in Iraq was a tremendous, tremendous mistake internationally.”

However, however, however… those pesky terrorists started it all, right?

“I don’t know about that. Who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right … They flew the plane in, but we caused it … We were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

But. Wait. Hang on a doggone minute. George W Bush wouldn’t have irritated anyone enough to make them want to retaliate, right? Those guys picked a fight with America and Bush went after ‘em… right? What? Bush told you otherwise?

“He told me personally that night … ‘I think I made a mistake.’”

At least these comments didn’t come on the back of the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

Ah yes. They did. This makes Tony Bennett the celebsphere’s grouchy ol’ grandparent who can’t be bothered to keep their mouth shut anymore and just says exactly what they think.

It’s brilliant.

Now, all we have to do is to wait for our American cousins to start running their mouths off like Bennett just burned a flag and wiped his dick on the Bill of Rights (which, incidentally, should be Tony Bennett’s next PR stunt).

And while you’re shouting and hopping mad, remember, this is all your own stupid fault.

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When the news reached people that New York had lost a piece of its iconic skyline due to a terrorist attack, it didn’t seem real. As rolling news stations replayed the footage of the deadly impact of the planes hitting the World Trade Centre and subsequent collapse of the buildings, it was more like a trailer from a movie or next generation computer game.

While many people ignore daily tragedies, the whole world united in the grief and panic for individuals they didn’t know. Ten years on from the event, we don’t know if subsequent action by world governments has reaped any sort of suitable revenge.

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of the attacks; New Yorkers will no doubt come together in peaceful mourning for those lost unexpectedly lost. However, they’ll be an annoying din to soundtrack the day. Kasabian are playing to mark the anniversary.

9/11 was… and still is… a hugely emotional event. The world changed on that surreal day a decade ago. From that, governments fought an enemy with the efficiency of someone trying to bruise a puddle while all sorts of conspiracy theories sprung up, topped off with comedic scaremongering that told us all that anyone with dark skin and a beard is to be feared.

So why then, are a second rate Oasis tribute band called Kasabian deciding to voice their opinion? Fishing around the internet, we can’t find anything that links the band to New York when 9/11 happened way back in 2001. But then we realised, it’s all in the name of PR, giving the band a chance to saying some about a topic that the entire world feels strongly about. All because they’ve got a new album coming out. Twerp Tom from the band said to the NME:

“It will be strange for us playing in the city on such a big weekend for New York people. It will be emotional. I was at work and remember hearing 9/11 unfold on the radio. I remember going home and being in absolute shock. My mum had it on the news. It was f**king awful.”

One member of Kasabian isn’t enough, guitar monkey Serge commented further:

“Looking back to 9/11, I was at work. I went round Tom’s on my way home. I’d always go in for a tea and I was sat watching it with his mum when Tom came home from work. We were watching it in his front room. We were like everyone, thinking it was just mental.”

‘Just mental’. A great mind at work there.

And these great brains are, of course, planning a poor Beatles-style rooftop gig for reasons we can’t really explain. In all honesty, it heaps more pain on an already fragile day for New York.

Good for you lads. Good for you. So awful is your music, that you may as well urinate on the Bill Of Rights while you’re over there.

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Dear reader, you are about to enter a peculiar dreamworld where nothing seems real. You are about to enter a time in the Earth’s history when everything seemed to run in slow-motion and cascade around your ears like a Bible end-game.

We travel back to New York and the day that is now simply known as 9/11. It was our generation’s JFK moment when pretty much every human jaw hit the ground and each heart slowed, pumping thick blood.

The memory of that day couldn’t get any more surreal, right? Wrong. That’s because, on that fateful day, there was a cheap rental car tearing across America and in it, you could find Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando. Feel like you’re on drugs? Wait ’til you hear about the burgers.

This brilliant, ghoulish roadtrip is, quite obviously, the finest thing to ever happen in human history.

While the Twin Towers crumbled in the most grisly of manners, elsewhere in America, the oddly faced trio hired a cheap-ass rental car and sped away, according to Elizabeth Taylor’s former PA Tim Mendelson.

Looking like assembled wrongs of the The Gruesome Twosome’s belfry in the Creepy Coupe, this celebrity circus act took turns driving the car and, this is the best bit, everyone getting really cheesed off with Marlon Brando’s need to stop at almost every fast food joint they drove past.

Imagine Taylor rolling her eyes and swearing behind the wheel while Jackson weeps, cowering in the foot well of the passenger seat while Brando takes up the whole of the backseat, covered in grease and burger wrappers, sweating meat dripping! AMAZING!

Apparently, this brilliant spectacle came about after Jackson invited his chums to be his guests at some shows at Madison Square Garden. Thanks to the grounding of planes after 9/11, this gaggle of freaks hopped in a car and frightened children all the way back to the west coast for 500 miles. Maybe that’s what The Proclaimers were singing about all that time?

In Vanity Fair, reporter Sam Kashner says:

“Brando allegedly annoyed his colleagues by stopping at every KFC and Burger King they passed along the highway. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused at gas stations and rest stops across America.”

Of course, a whole bunch of aides are insisting that this didn’t happen. But it did. This needs to have happened because it is the greatest image mankind will ever hold in its collective head.

Now someone photoshop this image for us immediately!

Remember a few weeks ago when we told you that early-nineties hasbeen rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested for hitting his wife?

Well, we forgot to tell you one very important thing – the 911 call that his wife made was mental.

Seriously. And we’re only using the word mental here because no words exist that can accurately describe how flat-out weird the call is. From what we can work out, Vanilla Ice hit his wife because she bought a bed for herself and then, Vanilla Ice starts threatening to kill himself with a motorbike. But, hey, you can hear that for yourself after the jump.

Domestic violence isn’t funny. Well, look, actually it sort of is a bit funny, but only so long as it’s done by men who used to be famous but aren’t any more and just happen to be hopelessly ineffectual at domestic violence.

Perhaps we need to explain this more. A man hitting a woman in the face isn’t funny, but Dennis Rodman squeezing his girlfriend’s arm because he’s drunk and his wife won’t let him see his children is funny. Similarly, all other violent attack on women by men aren’t funny, unless they happen to be conducted by Vanilla Ice and – immediately after the attack occurs – Vanilla Ice’s wife phones 911 and uses the call to complain about how Vanilla Ice never gives her any of his money while Vanilla Ice whines in the background about how he’s going to kill himself.

That is funny. We know this because it happened.

Last month Vanilla Ice was arrested for violently assaulting his wife. As much of a shock as it must have been for Vanilla Ice’s wife, who must have thought “I really preferred you when your wore outlandishly-sized trousers and sung about teenage animatronic tortoises” during the attack, she later dropped the charges against him and all was forgotten.

Until TMZ managed to get hold of the Vanilla Ice domestic battery 911 call, that it. Honestly, it’s just perfect in its descent into utter stupidity. We’ll give you the link to the tape in a second, but first, here are the key moments you’d do well to listen out for:

“He kicked me, he tried to choke me in front of my kid.”

“Is he black or Hispanic?’

“Awww, now he’s threatening to kill himself.”

“He’s mad because he buys everything in the house. He buys all the shoes.”

“I have no bed.”

OK, enough teasing. Enjoy.

Listen to the Vanilla Ice Domestic abuse 911 call now

The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine

If you'd starred in as many woefully identical sitcoms as Heather Locklear, suicide would probably come as a sweet release.

But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.

But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.

On average it's thought that the average Los Angeles-dweller will be falsely accused of attempting suicide 15 or 16 times within their lifespan. It happens all the time – Marie Osmond's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to painkillers, the Hasselhoff daughter's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to a kitten-scratch and Owen Wilson's suicide attempt was just… oh. 

But on the whole it's fair to say that most celebrity suicide attempt reports are just miscommunication. But who can blame the authorities for being a bit jumpy? After all, a celebrity's life is worth the same as ten normal peoples' lives. Except for Heather Locklear, of course. Her life is probably only worth the same as three or four normal people's lives, but that didn't stop the mother of all misreported suicide attempts happening on Saturday night.

On Saturday, fire trucks and ambulances were called to Heather Locklear's home because of a 911 call claiming that she was about to kill herself, even though she was actually pretty OK and the least suicidal that you can be when you know you're Heather Locklear. However, the call didn't come from Heather Locklear or anyone in her home, and 911 officials were positive that it wasn't a crank call.

So who blew the whistle on Heather Locklear's non-existent suicide attempt? As Ninemsn reports, the moral of the story is to never tell your psychiatrist that you're sad. Or at least never tell Heather Locklear's psychiatrist that you're sad:

Law enforcement sources said the call came from the actress's psychiatrist, according to celebrity website TMZ. The psychiatrist was alarmed because she was "upset and believed she might OD on medication prescribed for depression", the website reported.

It's an embarrassing mix-up for sure. Now – rightfully or not – Heather Locklear looks a bit crazy, her psychiatrist looks a bit stupid and the Los Angeles 911 service looks like a bunch of fools. But why would someone as well-known, glamorous and addicted to starring in white-bread sitcoms as Heather Locklear even be depressed in the first place?

Simple. Richie Sambora's penis. It's like King Midas in reverse. Heather Locklear was the bright young star of Melrose Place until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's on depression medication and at the centre of a suicide attempt storm. And then there's Denise Richards, who was the bright young star of Wild Things until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's a weirdly paranoid sad jobless pig who's been reduced to crawling around in the world of reality TV. 

Basically our point is that you shouldn't touch Richie Sambora's penis. Never touch Richie Sambora's penis.

Read more:

Fears held for Locklear after suicide call – Ninemsn 

When the world woke up last week, everyone thought the same things. A) The weekend's finished and we have to go to work. B) Who's that chick who won the Oscar for best actress for a film we’ve never heard of before? 

Who was Marion Cotillard, where had she come from and what the hell was La Vie en Rose about? And what did it mean? For God’s sake why wasn’t it done in English? Surely the producers didn’t expect the majority of the world to watch a film they couldn’t understand. God damn those crazy French.

As an Oscar winner, we’d expect Marion Cotillard's career to go from strength to strength. If not winning more Oscars, then definitely starting up random charities or collecting third world children like Happy Meal toys. But instead of riding high on the success and mulling over lucrative film offers, Marion's gone and ballsed it up. Big style. 

With the Oscars being an American award ceremony. it would of course be dumb to slag off the country that’s elevated your status from a nobody to an A-lister. But this is what Marion Cotillard has gone and done. 

Everyone can remember what they were doing when they heard about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. It united the world in fear, terror, paranoia when we saw a Muslim with a bag and it sparked off a series of wars. But a tragedy like 9/11 is never without conspiracy theories, and old Marion is full of them.

In an interview with a French TV station, Marion Cotillard said: 

“I think we're lied to about a number of things. We see other towers of the same kind hit by planes. Are they burned? There was a tower; I believe it was in Spain that burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." 

Maybe it’s just us, but having watched the tragedy unfold on TV, we're pretty sure that the damage was caused by two massive planes. Something quite big flying relatively fast and crashing in to a stationary object won’t do it any help of staying up. Digging herself a deeper grave by the minute, Marion also added:

That the towers, planned in the early 1960s, were an outdated "money sucker" that would have cost more to update than to destroy.

Yup, we completely agree. It definitely seems plausible to then fund two wars against countries where people have died unnecessarily just so a new building can be erected in New York. Go USA for that brilliant scheme. On a more comical note though, Marion also questions the 1969 moon landing as well, by saying:

“Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure."

Not quite as controversial as her 9/11 comments but just as funny. Seeing as Marion Cotillard likes the odd conspiracy story, we wonder if her Oscar win was just a set-up. Perhaps the judging panel wanted her to believe Americans give a toss about foreign films. We wonder if she still believes in the Easter bunny. We hope so, because we don’t want her to miss out on those chocolate eggs.

Read more: 

Oscar winner Marion Cotillard dismisses 9/11 as conspiracy – NY Daily News