Well, we forgot to tell you one very important thing – the 911 call that his wife made was mental.

Seriously. And we’re only using the word mental here because no words exist that can accurately describe how flat-out weird the call is. From what we can work out, Vanilla Ice hit his wife because she bought a bed for herself and then, Vanilla Ice starts threatening to kill himself with a motorbike. But, hey, you can hear that for yourself after the jump.

Domestic violence isn’t funny. Well, look, actually it sort of is a bit funny, but only so long as it’s done by men who used to be famous but aren’t any more and just happen to be hopelessly ineffectual at domestic violence.

Perhaps we need to explain this more. A man hitting a woman in the face isn’t funny, but Dennis Rodman squeezing his girlfriend’s arm because he’s drunk and his wife won’t let him see his children is funny. Similarly, all other violent attack on women by men aren’t funny, unless they happen to be conducted by Vanilla Ice and – immediately after the attack occurs – Vanilla Ice’s wife phones 911 and uses the call to complain about how Vanilla Ice never gives her any of his money while Vanilla Ice whines in the background about how he’s going to kill himself.

That is funny. We know this because it happened.

Last month Vanilla Ice was arrested for violently assaulting his wife. As much of a shock as it must have been for Vanilla Ice’s wife, who must have thought “I really preferred you when your wore outlandishly-sized trousers and sung about teenage animatronic tortoises” during the attack, she later dropped the charges against him and all was forgotten.

Until TMZ managed to get hold of the Vanilla Ice domestic battery 911 call, that it. Honestly, it’s just perfect in its descent into utter stupidity. We’ll give you the link to the tape in a second, but first, here are the key moments you’d do well to listen out for:

“He kicked me, he tried to choke me in front of my kid.”

“Is he black or Hispanic?’

“Awww, now he’s threatening to kill himself.”

“He’s mad because he buys everything in the house. He buys all the shoes.”

“I have no bed.”

OK, enough teasing. Enjoy.

Listen to the Vanilla Ice Domestic abuse 911 call now

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine

But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.

But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.

On average it's thought that the average Los Angeles-dweller will be falsely accused of attempting suicide 15 or 16 times within their lifespan. It happens all the time – Marie Osmond's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to painkillers, the Hasselhoff daughter's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to a kitten-scratch and Owen Wilson's suicide attempt was just… oh. 

But on the whole it's fair to say that most celebrity suicide attempt reports are just miscommunication. But who can blame the authorities for being a bit jumpy? After all, a celebrity's life is worth the same as ten normal peoples' lives. Except for Heather Locklear, of course. Her life is probably only worth the same as three or four normal people's lives, but that didn't stop the mother of all misreported suicide attempts happening on Saturday night.

On Saturday, fire trucks and ambulances were called to Heather Locklear's home because of a 911 call claiming that she was about to kill herself, even though she was actually pretty OK and the least suicidal that you can be when you know you're Heather Locklear. However, the call didn't come from Heather Locklear or anyone in her home, and 911 officials were positive that it wasn't a crank call.

So who blew the whistle on Heather Locklear's non-existent suicide attempt? As Ninemsn reports, the moral of the story is to never tell your psychiatrist that you're sad. Or at least never tell Heather Locklear's psychiatrist that you're sad:

Law enforcement sources said the call came from the actress's psychiatrist, according to celebrity website TMZ. The psychiatrist was alarmed because she was "upset and believed she might OD on medication prescribed for depression", the website reported.

It's an embarrassing mix-up for sure. Now – rightfully or not – Heather Locklear looks a bit crazy, her psychiatrist looks a bit stupid and the Los Angeles 911 service looks like a bunch of fools. But why would someone as well-known, glamorous and addicted to starring in white-bread sitcoms as Heather Locklear even be depressed in the first place?

Simple. Richie Sambora's penis. It's like King Midas in reverse. Heather Locklear was the bright young star of Melrose Place until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's on depression medication and at the centre of a suicide attempt storm. And then there's Denise Richards, who was the bright young star of Wild Things until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's a weirdly paranoid sad jobless pig who's been reduced to crawling around in the world of reality TV. 

Basically our point is that you shouldn't touch Richie Sambora's penis. Never touch Richie Sambora's penis.

Read more:

Fears held for Locklear after suicide call – Ninemsn 

Who was Marion Cotillard, where had she come from and what the hell was La Vie en Rose about? And what did it mean? For God’s sake why wasn’t it done in English? Surely the producers didn’t expect the majority of the world to watch a film they couldn’t understand. God damn those crazy French.

As an Oscar winner, we’d expect Marion Cotillard's career to go from strength to strength. If not winning more Oscars, then definitely starting up random charities or collecting third world children like Happy Meal toys. But instead of riding high on the success and mulling over lucrative film offers, Marion's gone and ballsed it up. Big style. 

With the Oscars being an American award ceremony. it would of course be dumb to slag off the country that’s elevated your status from a nobody to an A-lister. But this is what Marion Cotillard has gone and done. 

Everyone can remember what they were doing when they heard about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. It united the world in fear, terror, paranoia when we saw a Muslim with a bag and it sparked off a series of wars. But a tragedy like 9/11 is never without conspiracy theories, and old Marion is full of them.

In an interview with a French TV station, Marion Cotillard said: 

“I think we're lied to about a number of things. We see other towers of the same kind hit by planes. Are they burned? There was a tower; I believe it was in Spain that burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." 

Maybe it’s just us, but having watched the tragedy unfold on TV, we're pretty sure that the damage was caused by two massive planes. Something quite big flying relatively fast and crashing in to a stationary object won’t do it any help of staying up. Digging herself a deeper grave by the minute, Marion also added:

That the towers, planned in the early 1960s, were an outdated "money sucker" that would have cost more to update than to destroy.

Yup, we completely agree. It definitely seems plausible to then fund two wars against countries where people have died unnecessarily just so a new building can be erected in New York. Go USA for that brilliant scheme. On a more comical note though, Marion also questions the 1969 moon landing as well, by saying:

“Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure."

Not quite as controversial as her 9/11 comments but just as funny. Seeing as Marion Cotillard likes the odd conspiracy story, we wonder if her Oscar win was just a set-up. Perhaps the judging panel wanted her to believe Americans give a toss about foreign films. We wonder if she still believes in the Easter bunny. We hope so, because we don’t want her to miss out on those chocolate eggs.

Read more: 

Oscar winner Marion Cotillard dismisses 9/11 as conspiracy – NY Daily News