9/11 - HecklerSpray

Mark Wahlberg Could’ve Stopped 9/11 From Happening Like Some Stupid Looking Superman

January 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Heather Locklear Gets 911’d To Hospital: Invariably Prescription Drug Related

January 13th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.

Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.

And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?

X-Factor?s Matt Cardle In Human Atrocity Hilarity!

October 21st, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Odious slit-eyed dolt Matt Cardle has decided to further distance himself from the leagues of likeability this week by joining the ranks of Charlie Sheen, Lee Ryan, David Shayler et al by making dubious comments regarding the circumstances surrounding 9/11.

Whilst dodging his destined career as a Wetherspoons deputy-manager, the unflattering-hat enthusiast has stated that:

“The whole 9/11 thing… something’s not quite right there.”

Julian Assange’s Penis Is Of No Interest To Anyone

September 29th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

Tony Bennett Tells America It Was To Blame For 9/11 And Dubya Knows It Too

September 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

Kasabian Announce 9/11 Tribute Show – Just What New York Was Crying Out For

September 12th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

When the news reached people that New York had lost a piece of its iconic skyline due to a terrorist attack, it didn't seem real. As rolling news stations replayed the footage of the deadly impact of the planes hitting the World Trade Centre and subsequent collapse of the buildings, it was more like a trailer from a movie or next generation computer game.

While many people ignore daily tragedies, the whole world united in the grief and panic for individuals they didn't know. Ten years on from the event, we don't know if subsequent action by world governments has reaped any sort of suitable revenge.

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of the attacks; New Yorkers will no doubt come together in peaceful mourning for those lost unexpectedly lost. However, they?ll be an annoying din to soundtrack the day. Kasabian are playing to mark the anniversary.

Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando And Liz Taylor Went On A 9/11 Road Trip With Burgers!

May 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Dear reader, you are about to enter a peculiar dreamworld where nothing seems real. You are about to enter a time in the Earth’s history when everything seemed to run in slow-motion and cascade around your ears like a Bible end-game.

We travel back to New York and the day that is now simply known as 9/11. It was our generation’s JFK moment when pretty much every human jaw hit the ground and each heart slowed, pumping thick blood.

The memory of that day couldn’t get any more surreal, right? Wrong. That’s because, on that fateful day, there was a cheap rental car tearing across America and in it, you could find Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando. Feel like you’re on drugs? Wait ’til you hear about the burgers.

911 Call: Vanilla Ice Wants To Take His Own Life Life Baby

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember a few weeks ago when we told you that early-nineties hasbeen rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested for hitting his wife?

Well, we forgot to tell you one very important thing – the 911 call that his wife made was mental.

Seriously. And we’re only using the word mental here because no words exist that can accurately describe how flat-out weird the call is. From what we can work out, Vanilla Ice hit his wife because she bought a bed for herself and then, Vanilla Ice starts threatening to kill himself with a motorbike. But, hey, you can hear that for yourself after the jump.

Alicia Keys: Government Was Behind The 2Pac And Biggie Murders

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Heather Locklear Yet To Commit Suicide

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you'd starred in as many woefully identical sitcoms as Heather Locklear, suicide would probably come as a sweet release.

But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.

But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.