What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.

Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.

Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn’t return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day’s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.

Of course we could’ve done that all by ourselves, just on the way home from work, but this time it’s because we’ve been testing out the new Dizzy game from the people who made him semi-popular back in the ’80s and ’90s, Codemasters.

Out for iOS, which we don’t need to tell you is what runs on iPhone, the game is a rehash of the 1991 title where you traverse the magical land where eggs can walk, jump, and generally be as philanthropic as you can be, although with spanking new titles that, allegedly, are high definition. Although moving from the pixellated mess of yesteryear is going to be an improvement under any comparison. Look at Steps. They were shit back then, but they’re shitter now because they’re ten years older and still giant assmunchers.

However valiant an effort that Codemasters has put in, it has the same effect as pulling out before spluffing your splaff all up in her bloof.

It’s good, but gaming has moved on immeasurably in the past 18 years and Dizzy hasn’t kept up. The same dodgy controls (weighed down by the failure that is touch screen movement controls) mean that precise jumping you needed back in the 90s is still a problem, and the simplistic ‘Pick something up, take it to someone, use it on that someone’ is still repetitive and, at times, annoying.

Even though the level is very short, you’ll find yourself wandering around aimlessly for hours before giving up, throwing your iPhone on the ground and thinking how awesome it would be if a few letters of the alphabet didn’t exist.

Give Dizzy a wide berth if you want a game that gives some sort of immediate payback. Because, by the time that you do get some payback, you’ve lost interest so much that you don’t care anymore and realise there’s pots of tea to be made and pictures of Jesy from Little Mix to photoshop into hilarious situations.

Shame.

With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.

But the news has “finally” been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*

A rehash of 1991’s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?

Paul Ranson, the original project manager had these words to say:

“20 years on and Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk remains one of the most memorable games in the series for its puzzles and humour and it’s an absolute pleasure to return to the director’s role for this HD edition.

For once, this is a retro classic that doesn’t require rose-tinted glasses to appreciate its design and gameplay – Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk is simply a great puzzle-solving romp that’s been brought up to date with glorious visuals.”

But if you want to be able to see what you’re doing, you can even switch back to the original, verging on 4-bit graphics if you so wish.

Why you would so wish is beyond us, but different strokes for different folk’s junk innit.

So, it’s out 9th December, expect a review from us around January.

After we’ve decided that it’s actually quite a good thing instead of a CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE FROM THE 80S.

Here’s the ZX Spectrum version for fans of glitchy bip bip music.

If you’re of a certain age, you’ll definitely remember Ulysses 31. You’ll know the theme tune off by heart and recall those horrible, ghostly cadavers that hung in the air that dead smoke. Even if you hated it (what’s wrong with you?), you’ll know all that.

Of course, nostalgia is big business and Ulysses 31 is something that is oft remembered, but rarely given proper tribute in favour of Thundercats and Transformers. Ulysses 31 is up there with The Mysterious Cities Of Gold in the criminally overlooked league.

However, that’s all changed with a live action version of the best sci-fi cartoon ever made. Don’t argue. You’re wrong or a contrarian if you liked Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors better. Anyway, shall we watch a really cool video together?

Quite why no-one has tackled Ulysses 31 as a live action film before now is beyond us. There was a lot more weight to the tale than the likes of He-Man and Transformers, all of whom got their own live-action motion pictures.

In fairness, they were both pretty terrible. For starters, Orko wasn’t even in the Dolph Lundgren He-Man flick, instead, replaced by a warty little fella with a big nose.

Anyway, while this isn’t the news that Ulysses 31 is being turned into a feature length film, it is a glorious fan-made live-action tribute that should warm the cockles of your foggy memory.

Originally spotted at the marvellous Den of Geek by confidence trickster and general lothario, Matt, here’s a video that should, if you have anything about you, tickle all of your pickles.

NOW WATCH AND START REMAKING MORE OLD CARTOONS FOR US. WE WANT DOGTANIAN WITH REAL DOGS ON THEIR HIND LEGS HOLDING SWORDS.

Ahem.

RPGs are like the 80s. Before the 80s were cool, they were revered by everyone as being the decade with the most eye meltingly bad fashion/music/celebrities. But that whole decade has had a resurgence in popularity; partly because of Lady Gaga’s vagina, partly because of Brian May’s tenacity (that man will not be forgotten easily).

Whatever the reason, the 80s are back, which is just like the rise in popularity that role playing games have had over the past few years.

Well before the Elder Scrolls and every other game had levelling up characteristics and diluted the market with enough hot RPG action to put you off them for life, there was a lower standard of charming RPG that grabbed us by the soon-to-be short and curlies, before paedophiles became all the rage.

Predominantly made for consoles, these games have lived long, LONG past their shelf lives (much like Brian May) but still remain some of the most sought after games when it comes to re-release songs that are decades old.

Chrono Trigger is one such of those games.

Already out for almost every other gaming platform; DS, Playstation Network, Virtual Console but not XBox Live, it’s finally coming to iOS before the end of the year.

Chrono Trigger is one of, if not THE best role playing games ever created (we’re not going to debate with you whether it is or not; we don’t have enough time for that when we have actual spots to burst), so make sure you pick it up if you can.

It’s not like us to overstate something but IT’S THE BEST GAME FOR THIRTY YEARS.

Bet Brian May can’t say that.

The 1980s were a great time: Kelly Le Brock was still a bodacious chick, 9/11 was still twenty years away, Blossom was still a good decade away, so you didn’t have Joey Lawrence hair envy yet and Dizzy The Magical Fantasist Egg was the alternative to tickling your balls with soda from a SodaStream.

Times may have changed; for instance Kelly Le Brock looks like someone melted a mariachi band, Joey Lawrence is bald and SodaStream still feels great on your nutsack, but Dizzy still remains in the hearts and minds of thirty year old men. Like a pixellated Diana, Princess of Hearts. Only more interesting and a better soundtrack. There’s only so much you can remix screeching tyres and a Martin Bashir interview.

So it’s good news that a new version of Dizzy has been rumoured by Codemasters isn’t it?

Exactly!

The ’80s mascot, who’s career stalled when Edwina Curry went batshit mental about salmonella (probably), is said to be revealed once again tomorrow. Re-revealed, if you will.

The Dizzy franchise has been on hiatus since the 1992 Crystal Kingdom Dizzy, and there was even rumours that the egg hero was set to join Pat Sharp and Sinitta on this year’s I’m A Celebrity, but it was only Fatima Whitbread’s love-eggs. Which Sinitta smuggled in.

The filthy bitch.

There’s no definite word on what platforms the new game will be appearing on, or even whether the Prince of Yolkfolk will be gracing Electronic Boutique or Woolworths shelves before Christmas but that doesn’t matter because you should be getting yourselves to the doctors for anxiety tablets.

If this version of Dizzy is as difficult as the previous outings, with the annoyingly precise jumps, you’ll need diazepam. Troo dat.

Ferris Bueller, the 80s wild child played by Matthew Broderick, only had one problem in his annoyingly perfect life, the relentless Dean of Students at his High School, Ed Rooney.

Well, Ferris’s days of running from Mr. Rooney can finally be put behind him after 14 long years as actor Jeffrey Jones was sentenced to 250 hours community service and 3 years probation for failing to update his details on the sex offenders register.

For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Rooney turned out to be a bit of a nonce, which added a really creepy subtext to the scenes in which Rooney tries hunting down Ferris Bueller in a bid to prove that he’s ditching school. Obviously Jeffrey Jones just wanted to spend a hot and sweaty summer locked in a room with a young Matthew Broderick.

Jones, who’s creepy smile and ginger moustache just scream paedo, pleaded guilty to failing to update his registry information, which he was required to do after pleading no contest to a whole host of creepy, child porn related charges in 2003.

We here at Hecklerspray don’t know exactly what his community service will entail, but we do like to speculate. After playing Mr. Rooney, Jones has all the relevant experience to actually become a real life truancy officer, plus with his love of teenage boys he’d be even keener to track them down. It would be like Dog the Bounty Hunter, only 10 times more disturbing, which takes some doing.

One thing is certain, this latest indiscretion will put a spanner in the works of the Ferris Bueller sequel. Ferris and Cameron are probably too old for Rooney now anyway. Plus Sloane would probably be played by Sarah Jessica Parker and no one wants to see that.

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Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.

It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.

We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80′s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.

MTV’s decided for some reason to make an entire series out of Michael J Fox‘s Teen Wolf movie. We’re not sure why they did this, but we assume it’s because anything with strong bestiality overtones is currently very popular with young people.

You gotta go to the well with water, know what we mean?

Personally we think this is a mistake that will only add to the slow erosion of societal values that we’ve all historically benefited from. A couple seasons of Doc Hollywood, on the other hand, now that we can totally get behind. Did you hear that VH1? Listen to us! We’re your targeted demographic!

Had you heard about Teen Wolf making a howling (sorry) comeback? You hadn’t? Well then read this bit from THR:

“MTV’s reinvention of the 1980s movie “Teen Wolf” is inching closer to reality with a pilot presentation order. The cable network announced the project in January as part of its development slate. After seeing the script, MTV brass picked it up to presentation. The 1985 film starred Michael J. Fox as a teenager who discovers he is a werewolf. The MTV version will be set in high school, draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology and include a romantic plot line.”

We’re sure you all are thinking that MTV is just jumping on the werewolf bandwagon that’s been made so popular by Twilight. Well this isn’t true – there are differences galore! They’ll only hire actual actors to portray the various roles, for instance.

And if you didn’t like the original Teen Wolf movies, well don’t you worry about that either. As far as we can tell nobody intends to stick to a blue print. For instance this time instead of descending from a long line of were-people, the main character is created when his pregnant mother falls into a large vat of dog spoo that had been harvested by a small town for its skin replenishing capabilities.

You may think the writers made up the rejuvenating part – but they didn’t. That’s why we heard in ski-towns Walgreen’s sells dog ejaculent by the pint.

Another difference between the MTV Teen Wolf and it’s 80s parent is the teenage-lead’s transformed-dog-self has an obvious splash of poodle in him.

This will be really nice for people who like gay dogs.

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Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun… Flash! Pakow! Ahhh!

It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.

What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.

Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.

Leave your suggestions below.

After winning the rights to create a movie based on the character, Sony have gone and hired a couple of writers for the remake – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Hopefully they got the gig from their names alone, but that we cannot be sure of . But when you throw in the fact that Breck Eisner is apparently directing, then, well – we have a case to make that claim, surely?

Unfortunately we are a bit neutered in the criticism we can offer Matt and Burk beyond their spectacular names, as we cannot find anything they’ve written before. Eisner, on the other hand, directed the should-be-a-war-crime that was ‘Sahara’. Which – let’s be honest here – means it’s likely going to be a big pile of poopy.

While we can’t be sure at this point, it does look like the story being pushed for will retread the ground that has been walked a dozen times before by Flash and his cohorts – Earth under attack, fly to Mongo, fight Ming, win – and this version can’t possibly have a new soundtrack devised by Queen, so what’s the point?

Will the franchise be a ‘re-boot’, akin to that of Batman? Will we see a newly-hardcore Flash Gordon fighting barefist with Ming, before setting off on some parkour-inspired chase sequence? All interlaced with CGI rife with ‘dirty cuts’?

Hecklerspray would go with: yes. That’s almost definitely what’s going to happen.

Because Hollywood has no ideas, remakes everything, forces out pointless sequels and seemingly does it all in exactly the same style – which just so happens to be whichever style is popular at the time. Philistines. Though, to be fair, a method-acted Ming would be something to savour – conquering worlds just to ‘get into character’ and generally dressing like something of a maniacal twit around town.

In fact, that sounds brilliant – make it faster, Sony.

Pakow!

Did you know that the voice of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles baddie Shredder was actually voiced by Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air?

No? Neither did we – and we’re still recovering! Unless someone is playing a joke on us. Damn them! But it got us thinking: Why do we care so much about these characters? What is it about the cartoon baddies that we love so much?

Aren’t we supposed to hate them? Boo them when they come on the screen like some kind of pantomime villain? No, and the reason why is because they are usually the most interesting characters in the cartoon.

So we have decided to come up with 16 of the best 80s cartoon villains. They reason we went for the 80s is because, well, that was when we were all kids. Plus it was a golden era. Or is that what everyone says?

Enjoy, and feel free to tell us which ones we’ve missed…

16. Lotor- Prince of Doom from Voltron

Would have been higher, but how can you take a villain dressed in tights seriously.

15. Miles Mayhem from M.A.S.K
The leader of Venom was the best character in the show. Which, admittedly, isn’t saying all that much.

14. Baron von Greenback from Dangermouse
Dangermouse’s slimy arch-enemy was essentially what Bond nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld would look like if he was a toad. It isn’t easy being green.

13. Darkstorm from Visionaries

Never quite understood why he turned into a giant snail. You really would not be happy with that would you? Your opposite number turns into a lion and you turn in a slimy mollusc. Not exactly a fair fight.

12. Hugo A-Go-Go from Batfink
Gets in purely because of his name.

11. Starscream from Transformers

Megatron‘s power-hungry right-hand man was possibly the most realistic characters in the show. He moaned a lot with that annoying high-pitched voice of his, always thought he would do a better job if he was in charge, and wimped out when things turned tough. Sounds like someone you know at work? Plus he transformed into a cool plane. Bonus!

10. Venger from Dungeons and Dragons

Never quite understood why he only had one horn. Where was the other one? Plus, there was one episode where Dungeon Master called him his son. Nooooooooo!

9. Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget
With such a cool voice and the fact you never saw his face, just a claw, he really should have been higher up the list. But how could any self-respecting villain been beaten by a dog and a little girl in every episode? If we had had our way, he would have sold Gadget for scrap, boiled Brain down into glue and sold Penny into slavery. That really would have been mean.

8. Zoltar from Battle of the Planets

There is something really quite sinister about this guy. We think it’s because he is wearing lipstick and dresses like a dog.

7. Mumm-ra from Thundercats

Who knew Mummies could be so cool?

6. Gargamel from The Smurfs
We can never remember: Did he want to catch the Smurfs to turn them into gold or because he wanted to eat them? They don’t look very tasty, to be honest.

5. Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Uncle Phil??!!!! Really. We are so disappointed.

4. Cobra Commander from GI Joe
We think he had some anger issues. Not sure about the hood either.

3. Serpentor from GI Joe

Just beats Cobra Commander to the coolest character in GI Joe.

2. Megatron from Transformers

Only just pipped to the top spot by Skeletor, Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, was a worthy adversary for Optimus Prime. Plus he turned into a cool gun.

1. Skeletor

OK, we’ll admit it: we were scared of him too. Looking back now, he’s actually quite funny.

Some TV themes just refuse to go away and leave us in peace.

They are stuck in our heads forever. You could be innocently sitting in a bar or a pub having a nice drink, when someone’s annoying mobile starts playing the A-Team. Then, bang! You can’t get the damn tune out of your head. What makes it even worse is you don’t want to either.

Give it a few more hours (and a few more drinks) and you will annoyingly start shouting “a pity the fool” at your mates, who despite their protestations, also start to feel nostalgic and end up humming the tune on their drunken way home. It’s like torture.

Well, just to continue the cycle, hecklerspray has come up with 10 TV tunes from the glorious 80s for you to ponder. Now, some of the series started in the 70s. We are well of it, but we only picked the ones which subsequently ran during most of the 80s. Anyway, enjoy. If you can.

15. Dallas

Crap series, but undeniably catchy tune.

14. Bergerac

This British cop drama, just like the Channel Island of Jersey where it was set, had very little else going for it. Almost made you want to watch it – almost!

13. Blackadder

One of the best British comedies ever – with a fantastic theme tune to match.

12. Only Fools and Horses

Has a theme tune ever summed up a series better?

11. Diff’rent Strokes

The third best reason to watch the series, with the second being the amusing midget. So what’s the first? A morbid curiosity over what happened to their child stars.

10. Knightrider

Gotta love the Hoff, the best Kit car ever – and the annoying catchy theme tune.

9. Taxi

Sometimes strays into the world of 70s cheese, but very catchy nonetheless. Definitely one you would whistle too.

8. Monkey

If you have never seen Monkey, please bear with us. It’s not something you can really describe in just a few sentences. The last person we tried to describe it to assumed we were taking something. In fact, an acid trip is possibly the best way to describe it. OK, here goes. A monkey god is thrown out of heaven and enslaved in a mountain for pissing on Buddha’s hand. He is freed by a very feminine-looking boy priest on the understanding he helps protect her, sorry, him to India on some kind of religious pilgrimage. Are you keeping up? To help them they have a fish monster called Sandy, a pig monster called Pigsey and a talking horse. OK, we give up. Anyway, the theme tune, just like Monkey himself, is kickass. Although started in the 70s, it ran mainly during the 80s (mainly in the UK).

7. Magnum

Gotta love the funky guitar.

6. Airwolf

Hands up if you have tried to play this on a keyboard. Sad, isn’t it?

5. Miami Vice

A theme tune which caught the mood of the time perfectly. Even if Crocket’s dodgy suits didn’t.

4. The Dukes of Hazzard

You just can’t help singing along.

3. Hill Street Blues

We are not ashamed to say it’s actually a really nice tune.

2. Cheers

An undeniable classic theme tune which still holds up today.

1. A-Team

The sad thing is – this really is my ringtone. So many good memories.