Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.

It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.

We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80’s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.

MTV’s decided for some reason to make an entire series out of Michael J Fox’s Teen Wolf movie. We’re not sure why they did this, but we assume it’s because anything with strong bestiality overtones is currently very popular with young people.

You gotta go to the well with water, know what we mean?

Personally we think this is a mistake that will only add to the slow erosion of societal values that we’ve all historically benefited from. A couple seasons of Doc Hollywood, on the other hand, now that we can totally get behind. Did you hear that VH1? Listen to us! We’re your targeted demographic!

Had you heard about Teen Wolf making a howling (sorry) comeback? You hadn’t? Well then read this bit from THR:

“MTV’s reinvention of the 1980s movie “Teen Wolf” is inching closer to reality with a pilot presentation order. The cable network announced the project in January as part of its development slate. After seeing the script, MTV brass picked it up to presentation. The 1985 film starred Michael J. Fox as a teenager who discovers he is a werewolf. The MTV version will be set in high school, draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology and include a romantic plot line.”

We’re sure you all are thinking that MTV is just jumping on the werewolf bandwagon that’s been made so popular by Twilight. Well this isn’t true – there are differences galore! They’ll only hire actual actors to portray the various roles, for instance.

And if you didn’t like the original Teen Wolf movies, well don’t you worry about that either. As far as we can tell nobody intends to stick to a blue print. For instance this time instead of descending from a long line of were-people, the main character is created when his pregnant mother falls into a large vat of dog spoo that had been harvested by a small town for its skin replenishing capabilities.

You may think the writers made up the rejuvenating part – but they didn’t. That’s why we heard in ski-towns Walgreen’s sells dog ejaculent by the pint.

Another difference between the MTV Teen Wolf and it’s 80s parent is the teenage-lead’s transformed-dog-self has an obvious splash of poodle in him.

This will be really nice for people who like gay dogs.

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It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.

What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.

Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.

Leave your suggestions below.

After winning the rights to create a movie based on the character, Sony have gone and hired a couple of writers for the remake – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Hopefully they got the gig from their names alone, but that we cannot be sure of . But when you throw in the fact that Breck Eisner is apparently directing, then, well – we have a case to make that claim, surely?

Unfortunately we are a bit neutered in the criticism we can offer Matt and Burk beyond their spectacular names, as we cannot find anything they’ve written before. Eisner, on the other hand, directed the should-be-a-war-crime that was ‘Sahara’. Which – let’s be honest here – means it’s likely going to be a big pile of poopy.

While we can’t be sure at this point, it does look like the story being pushed for will retread the ground that has been walked a dozen times before by Flash and his cohorts – Earth under attack, fly to Mongo, fight Ming, win – and this version can’t possibly have a new soundtrack devised by Queen, so what’s the point?

Will the franchise be a ‘re-boot’, akin to that of Batman? Will we see a newly-hardcore Flash Gordon fighting barefist with Ming, before setting off on some parkour-inspired chase sequence? All interlaced with CGI rife with ‘dirty cuts’?

Hecklerspray would go with: yes. That’s almost definitely what’s going to happen.

Because Hollywood has no ideas, remakes everything, forces out pointless sequels and seemingly does it all in exactly the same style – which just so happens to be whichever style is popular at the time. Philistines. Though, to be fair, a method-acted Ming would be something to savour – conquering worlds just to ‘get into character’ and generally dressing like something of a maniacal twit around town.

In fact, that sounds brilliant – make it faster, Sony.

Pakow!

No? Neither did we – and we’re still recovering! Unless someone is playing a joke on us. Damn them! But it got us thinking: Why do we care so much about these characters? What is it about the cartoon baddies that we love so much?

Aren’t we supposed to hate them? Boo them when they come on the screen like some kind of pantomime villain? No, and the reason why is because they are usually the most interesting characters in the cartoon.

So we have decided to come up with 16 of the best 80s cartoon villains. They reason we went for the 80s is because, well, that was when we were all kids. Plus it was a golden era. Or is that what everyone says?

Enjoy, and feel free to tell us which ones we’ve missed…

16. Lotor- Prince of Doom from Voltron

Would have been higher, but how can you take a villain dressed in tights seriously.

15. Miles Mayhem from M.A.S.K
The leader of Venom was the best character in the show. Which, admittedly, isn’t saying all that much.

14. Baron von Greenback from Dangermouse
Dangermouse’s slimy arch-enemy was essentially what Bond nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld would look like if he was a toad. It isn’t easy being green.

13. Darkstorm from Visionaries

Never quite understood why he turned into a giant snail. You really would not be happy with that would you? Your opposite number turns into a lion and you turn in a slimy mollusc. Not exactly a fair fight.

12. Hugo A-Go-Go from Batfink
Gets in purely because of his name.

11. Starscream from Transformers

Megatron’s power-hungry right-hand man was possibly the most realistic characters in the show. He moaned a lot with that annoying high-pitched voice of his, always thought he would do a better job if he was in charge, and wimped out when things turned tough. Sounds like someone you know at work? Plus he transformed into a cool plane. Bonus!

10. Venger from Dungeons and Dragons

Never quite understood why he only had one horn. Where was the other one? Plus, there was one episode where Dungeon Master called him his son. Nooooooooo!

9. Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget
With such a cool voice and the fact you never saw his face, just a claw, he really should have been higher up the list. But how could any self-respecting villain been beaten by a dog and a little girl in every episode? If we had had our way, he would have sold Gadget for scrap, boiled Brain down into glue and sold Penny into slavery. That really would have been mean.

8. Zoltar from Battle of the Planets

There is something really quite sinister about this guy. We think it’s because he is wearing lipstick and dresses like a dog.

7. Mumm-ra from Thundercats

Who knew Mummies could be so cool?

6. Gargamel from The Smurfs
We can never remember: Did he want to catch the Smurfs to turn them into gold or because he wanted to eat them? They don’t look very tasty, to be honest.

5. Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Uncle Phil??!!!! Really. We are so disappointed.

4. Cobra Commander from GI Joe
We think he had some anger issues. Not sure about the hood either.

3. Serpentor from GI Joe

Just beats Cobra Commander to the coolest character in GI Joe.

2. Megatron from Transformers

Only just pipped to the top spot by Skeletor, Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, was a worthy adversary for Optimus Prime. Plus he turned into a cool gun.

1. Skeletor

OK, we’ll admit it: we were scared of him too. Looking back now, he’s actually quite funny.

They are stuck in our heads forever. You could be innocently sitting in a bar or a pub having a nice drink, when someone’s annoying mobile starts playing the A-Team. Then, bang! You can’t get the damn tune out of your head. What makes it even worse is you don’t want to either.

Give it a few more hours (and a few more drinks) and you will annoyingly start shouting “a pity the fool” at your mates, who despite their protestations, also start to feel nostalgic and end up humming the tune on their drunken way home. It’s like torture.

Well, just to continue the cycle, hecklerspray has come up with 10 TV tunes from the glorious 80s for you to ponder. Now, some of the series started in the 70s. We are well of it, but we only picked the ones which subsequently ran during most of the 80s. Anyway, enjoy. If you can.

15. Dallas

Crap series, but undeniably catchy tune.

14. Bergerac

This British cop drama, just like the Channel Island of Jersey where it was set, had very little else going for it. Almost made you want to watch it – almost!

13. Blackadder

One of the best British comedies ever – with a fantastic theme tune to match.

12. Only Fools and Horses

Has a theme tune ever summed up a series better?

11. Diff’rent Strokes

The third best reason to watch the series, with the second being the amusing midget. So what’s the first? A morbid curiosity over what happened to their child stars.

10. Knightrider

Gotta love the Hoff, the best Kit car ever – and the annoying catchy theme tune.

9. Taxi

Sometimes strays into the world of 70s cheese, but very catchy nonetheless. Definitely one you would whistle too.

8. Monkey

If you have never seen Monkey, please bear with us. It’s not something you can really describe in just a few sentences. The last person we tried to describe it to assumed we were taking something. In fact, an acid trip is possibly the best way to describe it. OK, here goes. A monkey god is thrown out of heaven and enslaved in a mountain for pissing on Buddha’s hand. He is freed by a very feminine-looking boy priest on the understanding he helps protect her, sorry, him to India on some kind of religious pilgrimage. Are you keeping up? To help them they have a fish monster called Sandy, a pig monster called Pigsey and a talking horse. OK, we give up. Anyway, the theme tune, just like Monkey himself, is kickass. Although started in the 70s, it ran mainly during the 80s (mainly in the UK).

7. Magnum

Gotta love the funky guitar.

6. Airwolf

Hands up if you have tried to play this on a keyboard. Sad, isn’t it?

5. Miami Vice

A theme tune which caught the mood of the time perfectly. Even if Crocket’s dodgy suits didn’t.

4. The Dukes of Hazzard

You just can’t help singing along.

3. Hill Street Blues

We are not ashamed to say it’s actually a really nice tune.

2. Cheers

An undeniable classic theme tune which still holds up today.

1. A-Team

The sad thing is – this really is my ringtone. So many good memories.