Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
There's isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that Mr. T was there to guide me?when I’m confronted with one of life?s problems??But here I am, nailed to the brittle cross of adulthood left screaming to the heavens, ?Mr. T, Mr. T, why have you forsaken me?? ?Because Mr. T was once there to aid me as well as others in our youth with the myriad of troubles we encountered.
What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.
Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.
Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn't return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day?s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.
With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.
But the news has ?finally? been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*
A rehash of 1991?s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?
If you’re of a certain age, you’ll definitely remember Ulysses 31. You’ll know the theme tune off by heart and recall those horrible, ghostly cadavers that hung in the air that dead smoke. Even if you hated it (what’s wrong with you?), you’ll know all that.
Of course, nostalgia is big business and Ulysses 31 is something that is oft remembered, but rarely given proper tribute in favour of Thundercats and Transformers. Ulysses 31 is up there with The Mysterious Cities Of Gold in the criminally overlooked league.
However, that’s all changed with a live action version of the best sci-fi cartoon ever made. Don’t argue. You’re wrong or a contrarian if you liked Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors better. Anyway, shall we watch a really cool video together?
RPGs are like the 80s. Before the 80s were cool, they were revered by everyone as being the decade with the most eye meltingly bad fashion/music/celebrities. But that whole decade has had a resurgence in popularity; partly because of Lady Gaga?s vagina, partly because of Brian May?s tenacity (that man will not be forgotten easily).
Whatever the reason, the 80s are back, which is just like the rise in popularity that role playing games have had over the past few years.
Well before the Elder Scrolls and every other game had levelling up characteristics and diluted the market with enough hot RPG action to put you off them for life, there was a lower standard of charming RPG that grabbed us by the soon-to-be short and curlies, before paedophiles became all the rage.
The 1980s were a great time: Kelly Le Brock was still a bodacious chick, 9/11 was still twenty years away, Blossom was still a good decade away, so you didn't have Joey Lawrence hair envy yet and Dizzy The Magical Fantasist Egg was the alternative to tickling your balls with soda from a SodaStream.
Times may have changed; for instance Kelly Le Brock looks like someone melted a mariachi band, Joey Lawrence is bald and SodaStream still feels great on your nutsack, but Dizzy still remains in the hearts and minds of thirty year old men. Like a pixellated Diana, Princess of Hearts. Only more interesting and a better soundtrack. There’s only so much you can remix screeching tyres and a Martin Bashir interview.
So it's good news that a new version of Dizzy has been rumoured by Codemasters isn't it?
Ferris Bueller, the 80s wild child played by Matthew Broderick, only had one problem in his annoyingly perfect life, the relentless Dean of Students at his High School, Ed Rooney.
Well, Ferris?s days of running from Mr. Rooney can finally be put behind him after 14 long years as actor Jeffrey Jones was sentenced to 250 hours community service and 3 years probation for failing to update his details on the sex offenders register.
Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.
It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.
We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80’s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun… Flash! Pakow! Ahhh!
It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.
What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.
Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.
Leave your suggestions below.
Did you know that the voice of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles baddie Shredder was actually voiced by Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air?
No? Neither did we – and we’re still recovering! Unless someone is playing a joke on us. Damn them! But it got us thinking: Why do we care so much about these characters? What is it about the cartoon baddies that we love so much?
Aren’t we supposed to hate them? Boo them when they come on the screen like some kind of pantomime villain? No, and the reason why is because they are usually the most interesting characters in the cartoon.
So we have decided to come up with 16 of the best 80s cartoon villains. They reason we went for the 80s is because, well, that was when we were all kids. Plus it was a golden era. Or is that what everyone says?
Enjoy, and feel free to tell us which ones we’ve missed…
