If you happen to have the vaguest interest in films, then you’ll have realised that over the last few years, there’s been a couple of ongoing trends. Two scoops of ice-cream and a smidgen of sauce will cost you a week’s wage, whilst the films themselves have been rehashed to death.

All sorts of fancy mind numbing modern effects such as HD, 3D and IMAX are being used to hike up ticket prices to drag in doleful punters.

As for the films themselves, there has been nothing of any immediate mainstream quality in the last decade that’s made us rush out to the cinema. All we’re faced with are countless sequels, rubbish remakes/reduxes and adaptations from books like Harry Potter. Disney have decided to embrace technology and re-release The Lion King with sharper animation and three whole dimensions. Now a new generation of children can see Mufasa die, but in 3D!

Disney films have always been a strange franchise to stomach. Essentially, the company bring out animated films that are aimed at ickle children but have underlining adult themes which aren’t really discovered until later life.

The Little Mermaid gives one man the dilemma of having sexual relations with a fish-woman whilst Bambi gives us the comical situation of a baby deer having to grow up after its mother has its head shot off with a shotgun. You might as well show a child a copy of The Shining.

One other fascinating aspect that other Disney films have touched upon is the portrayal of appearance, particularly if somebody doesn’t fit into society’s ideal image. Two films that demonstrate this include Shrek where our monster character is banished to the swampland for being a minger, while in The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, Quasimodo is pelted with fruit and constantly laughed at for his hideous appearance.

To ram the point home, Disney produced Beauty and the Beast which of course, taught us to hate Celine Dion.

And back in 1994, a generation of children wept when Mufasa got trampled to death. Clearly, pulling on the heartstrings of the young and vulnerable worked for Disney and the film pulled in $783 worldwide. But this looks soon to rise if reports are to be believed:

“Disney’s Lion King 3D roared into theatres Friday, exceeding all expectations with a first-day gross of $8.8 million at the domestic box office and is now on course to gross as much as $25 million for the weekend.”

Obviously, the world’s stoners are gobbling up the tickets, just to see that scene where Simba has ‘SEX’ written above his head.

Oh the hilarities.

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Prince Harry is a very, very wealthy man. He could probably get people killed if he wanted to. It must be brilliant being him, even with the whole Not Sure Who My Dad Is Now You Mention It thing.

With all those coins, cars and boats at his disposal, it’s not difficult to imagine that Harry can’t move for tail. The ladies invariably throw themselves at him, with dreams of being a real life princess.

However, the press are adamant that Harry should have sex with his sister-in-law, Pippa Middleton. That’s right! The rags are courting these two, pressing their noses up at windows, overlooking a non-existent sex life. It’s astonishing. And now, it seems that Pippa ‘the arse’ Middleton is falling for it, hook line and sinker, playing out the role of nagging girlfriend before they’ve even had chance to buy condoms.

If you missed it the other week, Prince Harry acted like a drunk young person with lots of money to throw around. Basically, while in Croatia, he got hammered and jumped into a swimming pool with all his clothes on.

Why should he worry about ruining his clobber? He can buy enough trousers to cloth the human centipede a million times over.

However, Pippa Middleton isn’t happy, not that it’s got a thing to do with her.

After seeing his drinky drink antics last week, Princess Kate Of Wherever’s sister decided to give him a good telling off.

A source says:

‘Pippa texted him to suggest that he starts acting “less like a teenage chav, more like a real man”.’

Chav?

Let the class wars begin.

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JLS fans haven’t been very kind to us of late. Apparently they don’t like the fact that we inferred that their favourite band mimed some bad words and threw one of those showbiz hissy fit things at T4 On The Beach, which they TOTALLY did.

Naturally being the reasonable and thoughtful people we are, we thought we’d take another shot at them.

This time over the fact they’ve admitted they can’t sing.

According to the boys, they’re part of a ‘new school generation’ of pop musicians and that:

“stuff like music effects, auto tune and sampling is part of that.”

Which is a fancy way of saying that they can’t carry much of a tune so need some geek sitting behind a mixing desk to make their special brand of new school, soulless, corporate RnB even vaguely tolerable.

This revelation will come as a surprise to the legions of JLS fans out there. But it’s not their fault, after all, they were most likely conceived to the sounds of Milli Vanilli, that sort of upbringing has to bring with it a genetic predisposition to fabricated, radio friendly tunes.

Naturally we here at the hecklerspray bedsit imagine that this means that we shall be receiving our well-deserved apologies from each and every JLS fan who took the time to call us shits or, even worse, journalists in both the comments section of our T4 on the Beach article or on Twitter.

Don’t worry kids, one day you’ll discover a band that like you for you. We know the thought of Aston, Marvin, Simon and Theodore pulling the wool over your eyes in such a horrific way will probably scar you for life. But, to be honest, you deserve it.

Now grow up, stop crying and start listening to some real music.

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It’s been a weekend full of festivals with nearly every performer you can think of out to plug any old tat they’ve got coming out soon. Up in Scotland, a mix of indie, rock and electronica could be found, although annoyances like Bruno Mars still managed to evade security and get on stage at T in the Park, while at Sonisphere, they had angry music fans happy with bands that haven’t progressed from early eighties hair metal.

But the pick of the bunch was down at the sick seagull of Britain – Weston-super-Mare – where the family friendly festival T4 On The Beach was happening! While it was broadcast on Channel 4 and hosted by a gang of hipsters who all deserve to be shot, it was the sort of day where parents of small children could drop them off, safe in the knowledge they wouldn’t be snorting lines of speed. Last year, one of music’s answers to satire, Jedward, broke an ankle.

This year, JLS threw a slight hissy fit and pulled out of the event. It’s almost like the end of the world has just happened. So what pissed off JLS then?

Usually when we hear of bands sticking their fingers up at festival promoters, somebody’s ego has gotten in the way. In the past we’ve seen stupid tour riders that range from entire rooms being decked out in specific colour schemes to certain food stuffs being shipped in from around the world just to praise some maniacal dweeb.

After losing X-Factor, JLS have remarkably made a career out of singing and haven’t gone down the road of so many contestants to go work in a grotty fried chicken shop. So what went wrong at T4 On The Beach? Surely all they need to do is go on stage, lie to the crowd by telling them that they are the best audience in the world and sing, sing, SING!

For once in our meaningless lives, we MIGHT, have to side with JLS. They tweeted the following message:

“its true we ain’t on 2day, UNO we r a live singin act so them not giving us a soundcheck and able to prepare means we can’t go on for this. ‘it’s something that was beyond our control. As a 4 piece live singing band there is no way we can do such a huge show without a soundcheck or camera rehearsal..we are extremely disappointed to let you all down.”

From their dreadful grasp of the English language, we think that they weren’t given enough preparation time for a soundcheck and subsequently refused to put on a rubbish performance. Even though we’re uber cool here at hecklerspray and listen to music that you won’t appreciate until it’s used in a milk advert, even we applaud an act that’ll refuse to take to the stage unless some sort of practice has been had. However, we can still call them vain and up their own rumps for not having time to practice for the camera. JLS tweeted further:

‘All of our fans know us and know that when we perform we go 100% and are 100% happy that we can give you the best, there’s no way that we would have done this today.”

We’ll let you work out that last tweet.

But while the tears of many young fans could create a mini tidal-wave over the loss of JLS at the festival, they didn’t have to worry. They had other ace acts on hand such as Cher Lloyd, N-Dubz and Scouting For Girls.

Oh.

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Trolling the carcass of Princess Diana is a very, very easy thing to do. Diana has the kind of fans that Michael Jackson would be proud of – bug-eyed nutters who howl in anguish at any kind of negativity thrown their way.

However, riling up these devotees isn’t easy. They’ve heard it all before, willing to shrug off the lamer of the insults levelled at their idol. However, there’s some words being thrown at Diana which are expertly pitched.

How about the one where Lady Di gets called an “anorexic, bulimic narcissist”?

We wouldn’t be surprised if you think that the aforementioned line came from the hecklerspray crayon, but alas, we aren’t responsible this time.

This fine slice of winding people up comes from American lunatic, Ann Coulter, who really does have a special talent when it comes to making people outraged.

While appearing on The Insider, she was asked if she ‘sometimes says things that [she knows] will stir people up’, to which Coulter replies:

“Oh, sure. I definitely know how to rile up liberals. It’s almost a gift.”

Not just the liberals are taking a tongue-lashing. The Royals as a whole get thrashed.

“I find it a little baffling when Americans get so gaga-eyed over a princess. In particularly Lady Di, who was just this anorexic, bulimic narcissist.”

All this is excellent PR work for her new book, which is called Demonic: How the Liberal Mob is Endangering America. Jeez. She’s teaching us a thing or two about heckling.

If you’d like to see her slate Lady Di in a video, then click here to watch the clip. She very nearly performs the line with a straight-face.

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Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.

Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.

But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.

Newsweek have decided to speculate about what Princess Diana might be doing at 50 years old. Apparently, she’d have ‘It’s Complicated’ as her Facebook relationship status (presuming she would still be with Al Fayed’s son, it is fair to say nothing would be straightforward with a man who has built a horrifying effigy of Michael Jackson outside Fulham FC’s football ground) and would be hanging around like a groovy wrinklemama with Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, who would’ve been her daughter-in-law.

Maybe she would’ve given her tips on how to stay slim by puking up your lunch by discretely sticking your fingers down One’s Throat?

Newsweek paint a bizarre picture of Diana, noting that:

‘Fashion-wise, Diana would have gone the J Crew and Galliano route a la Michelle Obama, always knowing how to mix the casual with the glam.

‘There is no doubt she would have kept her chin taut with strategic Botox shots and her bare arms buff from the gym.’

The piece also adds that:

‘After so many loves and losses, she would finally have let go of her rancour toward Camilla.

The story also suggests that Diana would also have been ‘poked’ on Facebook by French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Seriously. Make your own jokes up there.

Of course, we think that this is a crock of cack. It’s obvious that Princess Diana would’ve been ravaged by worry and stress, continually hounded by the paparazzi, prompting her to become a Howard Hughes-esque recluse, hitting the sauce and cigars as her only solace, and turning her back on a fashion world that seemingly loves Hitler.

As such, sliding into a desperate decline, Diana would break-up like bread in stagnant water, leaving her unrecognisable to the general public, allowing her to roam freely amongst us undetected. The loss of fame would see Diana turning to the last resort of sex with strangers in a bid to feel loved.

She would age prematurely and be found toking on expensive cigars, sent as gestures of goodwill by James Hewitt (star of Diana’s 2018 sex-tape), lonely in doorways, waiting to take advantage of ‘the kindness of strangers’.

She would die at 62 years old in an Inverness bedsit surrounded by dead rodents who choked on her sinewy cadaver. Dr Conrad Murray would be somehow implicated in her death after he is found cowering in a sewer clutching her preserved knees and a flank of skin from her back which contains Diana’s ‘THUG LIFE’ tattoo.

HAPPY 50th LADY DIANA!

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Arse worshippers! Good news for your deluded selves! Pippa Middleton is single! Now, you shouldn’t let the fact she wouldn’t touch you with a stinky bargepole stop you believing you’re in with a shot of getting next to her now world famous behind!

Even though she’s now related to one of the most wealthy and powerful families of inbreeds on the planet, you should definitely think to yourself that somehow, she’s going to take kindly to a pleb like you, just like Prince William did when he married ‘a commoner’.

A commoner with a shite load of money.

Pippa had crisis talks with her bum and they both decided that it would be best if they didn’t have a relationship with someone called Alex Loudon, who accompanied her to the Royal Wedding in April.

This is good news for magazines who want to try and boost their ailing readership figures, as now she’s vulnerable and single, she won’t have a boyfriend to tell her not to appear on their pages in her knickers and vest.

Some friend who clearly doesn’t like her enough to keep their fat mouth shut, said:

“It is common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up”

It would appear that Loudon was no longer willing to live in the shadow of Middleton’s arse and its newfound celebrity. They’ll probably intend to stay friends, but ultimately, won’t.

Meanwhile, Pippa has been dossing with someone called Percy who is the son of the Duke of Northumberland. He sounds like a nice working class lad.

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For a brief moment in Britain, everyone felt kinda good when Prince William and Kate Middleton (or The Duchess of Skelmersdale or whatever she is these days) got married. Not that there was a sense of national unity brought about by an old-fashioned state event.

Rather, everyone seemed to agree that the little car they drove around in was nice and that Pippa Middleton has a very pleasing arse.

Of course, this good feeling lasted all of about 30 seconds and everyone went back to wondering what exactly the Royal Family offer us. And in the build-up to an official trip to Canada, one politician decided to vent spleen in their direction in a volley of abuse that is almost hecklersprayesque in quality and pettiness.

The Quebec Solidaire party (we’re sure they’re very, very important and not at all meaningless to the rest of the yawning chasm of the universe) launched into some impressive venom about the Royal couple.

Amir Khadir, a chap who is a member of the Quebec Solitaire Players Club, described the monarchy as

“a parasitic system that was inherited from ancient times”.

He added:

“A nation worthy of the 21st Century has no need for a monarchy or people with a bloodline.”

He wasn’t finished there either. Y’see, when you slag the Royals off, you’re always met with the cries of ‘yes, but think of the tourism!’, which Khadir amusingly batted away with

“If this is a tourist attraction, I would at least appreciate it if the stakeholders involved knew that we are bringing them here kind of like we do with circus tours.”

Quebec’s Intergovernmental Affairs Minister Pierre Moreau (yes, yes, we’re sure he’s a very important man who the world couldn’t possibly manage without) didn’t like Amir’s lip, saying rather charmingly:

“Being at odds does not excuse being impolite.”

It seems a little impolite to ask Canadian taxpayers to cough up $2 million in security for the visit of two equally unimportant, grinning poshos, right?

Protests are expected, but alas, Canadians aren’t nearly as mental when it comes to having an itchy trigger finger like their American cousins, which is a saving grace of sorts.

Unless you’re the kind of person who actually enjoys assassinations of course. Please hand yourself over to the police immediately. Many thanks.

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Remember the UK royal wedding? You might not want to, but thanks to the media still being in love with the couple of the moment, all sorts of tatty commemorative DVD’s and magazines have been brought out to mark the occasion.

Unless you camped out for several hours to wave at William and Kate, it’ll be the closest you’ll ever get to them. They don’t associate with peasant scum like us.

The marriage of William and Kate wasn’t just about them however. One other person who gained mass attention was Princess Beatrice. She didn’t stop an assassin or anything impressive like that; instead she wore a hat that looked like a huge gaping vagina with two mini spitting foo-foos on top. It’s fair to say it was a fashion no-no. However, some idiot will see it as “arty” and attempt to buy it. Shockingly, some people are already trying to do this.

At best, this strange creation looks like the work of an A-Level textile student who has been encouraged to “open their mind” by a weed smoking hippy teacher. Hats are generally meant to cover the head and protect from elements such as the wind, rain and to a lesser extent, birds defecating from the trees above. This hat, designed by someone called Philip Treacy looks like a prototype for a mobile phone mast spliced with a toilet seat. We assume he makes similar pretentious creations and has made garments made from materials including bellybutton fluff and chicken placenta.

Because people can’t lock themselves away from information these days, we assumed Princess Beatrice had realised she was a laughing stock. So what did she do? She did what all people in the public eye do – donate the awful thing to charity!

A winning situation for everyone really. She looks cool, kind and caring when donating funds to the charities involved which are UNICEF UK and Children in Crisis. Charities we must stress who are involved with awesome work prior to this auction and do ace things for helping those in need. To a lesser extent, somebody gets a stupid hat that they think is fashionable. Princess Beatrice said about the auction:

“I’ve been amazed by the amount of attention the hat has attracted. It’s a wonderful opportunity to raise as much money as possible for two fantastic charities. I hope whoever wins the auction has as much fun with the hat as I have.”

Not bothered about owning a piece of royal history? You should be after reading the items description:

“A truly individual, fun but elegant wedding bow becomes the fascinator form. This statement piece is worn on the front hairline secured by a clear wire headband that is easily disguised by the wearer’s hair. This is a gravity-defying hat.”

So is this some sort of Harry Potter/ Dr Who sci-fi magic stuff with anti-gravity clothing? We haven’t developed flying cars yet, but we guess a floating hat will do. At time of writing, the vagina hat was being sold for £16,2000 and can be viewed here if you want to even consider purchasing it.

If like us you can’t afford to blow £15,000 on a hat, just pop down the newsagents with a couple of quid and buy a book of stamps. You’ll permanently have the queen in your pocket, and if you have a fetish for old ladies, a chance to lick her wrinkling face.

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Hello Middleton family! Welcome to the dank, foetid world of celebritidom! In this new realm which you now find yourselves in, you’ll find that people have no qualms about digging up old photos of you in states of undress or looking drunk, or indeed, sticking SLRs up your skirt to snap your gussets!

Hurray for that.

And with that, Kate Middleton, her mother Carol, and sister Pippa (or, as you’ll know her, ‘The One With The Nice Arse’) have filed an official complaint against newspapers who published pictures of them in their bikinis.

Now, if you haven’t seen the pictures in question, feel free to check for them online because, despite this complaint, they’re still absolutely everywhere.

Are you back with us now? Cleaned your hairy little guts of sputum? Good.

These photographs are five-years-old photos and were taken when the Middletons holidayed on a yacht in Ibiza. That’s right – a yacht. Presumably, it was a ‘commoners’ yacht.

And now, despite the fact these photos were published ages ago, now that the Middleton family are down with Prince William & Co, they’ve lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission because they think they’re privacy has been breached.

Not unlike the wedding day which wasn’t a mass of invaded privacy.

A press watchdog spokesman said, in a voice as high as a green fly with his balls in a vice, said:

“I can confirm that the PCC has now received complaints from representatives of the Middleton family concerning photographs published in the News of the World, Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday and Daily Mirror. We will now consider those complaints.”

Clarence House don’t want to comment on the whole thing it seems.

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The three big successes of the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton was the Austin Martin cameo at the close of proceedings… the other two? Notably, Pippa Middleton’s two arse cheeks.

Pippa has gone from being the sister of the star attraction to being something of an overnight sensation, with people only ever talking about her behind. Or that picture of her dancing drunkenly in a bra.

So, along comes Vivid Entertainment boss, Steven Hirsch, with a cheque book, a dirty look in his eye and an offer for Pippa to star in an adult movie!

Apparently, the porn factory has written (how quaint) to the Royal By Proxy offering her a massive $5million to star in one explicit scene with her ‘choice of partner’.

Vivid aren’t finished there. They’ve also asked her to bring her brother James along for the fun and frolics, (thanks to that recent photo scandal), only he’s a man so he’ll only get $1million because the male genitalia is uglier than a naked mole rat’s elbow.

Hilariously, the letter was addressed to her parents party planning company. It reads:

“As far as I was concerned, you were the star of the recent Royal Wedding. As I watched a broadcast of the event I couldn’t help but think that with your beauty and attitude you could be an enormously successful adult star.

“For just one explicit scene I would be pleased to offer you $5 million USD and, of course, you would have a choice of partners. If you would like to bring your brother James along, he could appear in a separate scene for $1 million USD.”

We can imagine it now – ‘Oooh! Tickle me (knight)hood! One is a lady by day, but at night, one is a freak in the sheets! Would you like one to service you with some head? *cums* OFF WITH YOUR HEAD FNARR FNARR!‘ ad nauseum.

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CLICK OVER THE JUMP  TO READ OUR LIVEBLOG AND KEEP PRESSING REFRESH OKAY? PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON WILL HAVE YOU IN THE TOWER, WHERE CROWS WILL PICK AT YOUR EYES IF YOU DON’T.

13.45 Seriously. Go away.

13.42 And with the BBC News telling us about some really grim looking tornadoes in America, we’re going to sign-off. You people with your lives can go and enjoy your street parties while Michael and I wipe up our tears after a really laborious wedding session. Thanks for reading. We hope you enjoyed it. We didn’t. [MG+MP]

13.41 Eamonn Holmes on Sky News fizzing his pants over the fact there were two kisses. He’s a proper mucky get. [MG]

13.38 There’s only one winner today. That’s Simon Schama. He’s been as camp as a row of tent making factories. What a fine chap! [MG]

13.35 Look at this penis with his ‘creation’, which had Prince William on a Harley Davidson and some print-outs of Facebook pages around the side. Honestly. [MG]

13.33 Fearne Cotton is talking to some young lads and, rightly, they’re treating her with complete and utter disdain. Future hecklerspray writers for sure. [MG]

13.31 And now, the reception. DJ Otzi will be on the CD decks [MG]

13.29 Now, will one of the Royal Family ‘do a Michael Jackson‘ and dangle one of the blueblood infants over the balcony? We’d like that. [MG]

13.28 There you go. The first kiss of the new Royal Couple. If they were carrying on like that in a nightclub, I’d shout ‘finger her!’ at them to make them stop such a grisly display of public affection. [MG]

13.27 Chants of kiss, kiss, kiss. Hope they don’t fuck it up. [MP]

13.25 You’d have thought that if they’re going to have a big balcony moment that they’d at least take in their beach towels off the balcony first. It’s just silly. [MP]

13.23 These are the crowds that Mof Gimmers wishes he could have mustered that time that he stood on a balcony dressed as a Stuka Dive Bomber and threatened to jump. Attention seeker. [MP]

13.20 Is it wrong to say that I’d fire a tactical nuclear weapon into that crowd if I thought that there was a guarantee  of hitting Fearne Cotton? It probably is. It’s a joke. I’m sorry. Don’t arrest me. [MP]

13.18 My internet has also frozen from all the excitement. I’m now back in and ready to go just in time to see Huw being corrected by a five year-old. Why the hell not? Oh, look. It’s a really disturbing… well… uhh… yes. Hyde Park. Get down there. She’ll have it off you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve got. [MP]

13.16 Three members of the armed forces with a BBC news presenter? There’ll be high-fives in some kind of niche orgy. [MG]

13.09 Simon Schama says that ‘cynicism’ should be left at the door for today. He’s obviously not reading this. However, there’s a lot of people at the wedding. A shit load. LOOK! [MG]

13.05 I don’t even have anything to really say about that man being interviewed by Fearne Cotton. It’s just far too strange. [MP]

13.03 There’s a withered Kanye West being interviewed on the BBC just now. [MP]

13.00 Nice to see a Welsh woman on the BBC with her baps hanging out thrilling at how ‘elegant’ and ‘understated’ Kate Middleton looked. [MG]

12.59 My living room ceiling has spring a leak from all the excitement. That’s probably not a good thing. Does anyone know a plumber? [MP]

12.55 Nice bit of kettling going on by the Metropolitan Police. Handy for when Prince Charles and Camilla fancy a flashback to when those student protesters smashed their car up. They’ve really thought of everything haven’t they? [MG]

12.54 No, Huw. It’s a non-alcoholic cocktail. Why don’t you spend less time smoking joints when you’re not on screen and listen to what the idiotic little twit’s harping on about? [MP]

12.52 See ‘the public’? I fucking hate ‘the public’. Don’t bother interviewing them. They’ve seen literally fuck all. They saw some horses blaze past. That’s about it. Who cares? I don’t. You don’t. This guy might as well knock them out with his microphone. It cuts back to Huw admitting that his kids are spoilt twats. [MP]

12.48 If you’re wondering why things might dry up from us, it’s because literally nothing is happening and, unlike the BBC, we’re not going to sit here and lie to you and pretend that things are surging and exciting down there. A man just unwrapped a Scotch Egg on the Mall. He was beaten over the head by a member of the Household Cavalry with a trombone. [MP]

12.46 Over on ITV, they’ve completely given up on the Royal Wedding and have stuck on some repeats of On The Buses instead. It’s the one when Olive is pregnant. Press Red for the split-screen of Alistair Stewart’s swinging legs from the rafters. [MG]

12.45 Millie: no. They’re not cool t-shirts. I don’t care how young you are. Go and take a running jump of a pier, you twat. [MP]

12.44 There are now members of the Royal Family standing around the Palace throne room squeezing Prince Harry‘s cheeks and saying “You’ll be next, son.” That poor bastard. [MP]

12.42 Simon Schama will eventually inadvertently slap someone and have to get a superinjunction to stop us taking the piss out of his incredibly animated hands. [MP]

12.40 From the hecklerspray twitter: “Wonder what Will’ll say when they get home. “Kate, put your seatbelt on I’m about to crash into your love tunnel.”"

12.38 Big Huw’s doing his best to feign interest in the topographical layout of Buckingham Palace. He’s about 10 seconds away from asking this lad to draw him a bloody map. [MP]

12.36 Simon Schama, once again, displaying the most animated arms in British television. [MG]

12.33 Fearne Cotton. There, amongst Royals, not being beheaded. Seriously. That was THE moment which could’ve seen the bluebloods being of some use to us all. [MG]

12.31 Wings, the coach firm The Beatles could’ve been. [MG]

12.30 The Duchess of Cornwall appears to have chosen a hat that resembles a heady mix of a sombrero and a chocolate fountain. They’re going to fill her up and have strawberries at the reception. [MP]

12.29 Stop fucking waving Beatrice, no-one cares. [MP]

12.27 Prince Andrew willing his carriage to hurry the fuck up as he wants to catch the snooker on BBC Two. [MG]

12.26 How on earth is Edwards going to drone on about the majesty of it all for a whole hour until they stand on the balcony, waving like lunatics in full view of sunburnt idiots waving flags? Stay tuned and find out… don’t turn over to ITV. They don’t even want you to anymore. They’ve all gone home. [MP]

12.25 Eight snipers spotted on the roof of Buckingham Palace. That’s rather exciting. [MG]

12.24 Come on Will! You’re passing the BBC! Do it! Moon Huw Edwards! Awwwwwk, ya bloody prick. [MP]

12.23 When are they going to stop at McDonalds to let Harry pick up a Big Mac? The poor lad must be starving. Better get him one before he eats those kids he’s in the carriage with. [MP]

12.22 When do they peel their skins off to reveal scaly lizard flesh? David Icke better not be wrong on this one. We’re going to look pretty stupid if they don’t unfurl massive, flickering tongues from the Royal Balcony. [MG]

12.20 I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if the front page of the Daily Star tomorrow didn’t just have a picture of Phillipa Middleton and the word “PHWOAR!” above it. That’s what I’d do. I’m not ashamed. (I’m immensely ashamed) [MP]

12.18 Where on earth do they keep all these carriages when they’re not in use? Do they store them in Prince Andrew‘s massive rectum? [MP]

12.16 When they get out onto Horseguards’ Parade there’s going to be a surprise performance by none other than Michael Jackson! [MP]

12.13 There they are. Prince William and Kate Middleton, with their new titles, waving at shrieking plebs. [MG]

12.11 I hadn’t expected to say this but I genuinely like Prince William. He waves like an excited little lad. I think that’s very sweet. If I was in that carriage I’d be flicking Vs and doing sarcastic salutes into the crowd. Maybe pull a moonie when going past Huw Edwards’ booth. [MP]

12.09 Come on son. Do up your gloves. It’s probably the easiest thing you’ll have to do today. [MP]

12.08 They’re outside! Now! Break into a rendtition of Johnny B. Goode and let’s get this party started! Chant it with me! Wills & Kate! Wills & Kate! Wills & Kate! Woo! [MP]

12.06 Do remember to keep hitting refresh for more jokes. Like this one: ‘Why did Prince Philip cross the road? Because there was a black gentleman coming towards him.’ ‘Cause he’s a rac… you get it. [MP]

12.04 The trumpeters sound absolutely desperate to play the theme tune from Thunderbirds. Doo doo doo dooo doo do do d… you get the point. [MP]

12.01 Over on ITV1, there’s been so few viewers that Alastair Stewart has just killed himself. Julie Etchingham is uncontrollable with grief. [MG]

12.00 Have you been following the hecklerspray twitter account? Do so here

11.59 Princess… Bea… Eug… one of the Fergie kids has a hat on that looks like a particularly vicious set of antlers. She’s going to start headbutting anyone who hits on Kate’s brother at the reception later. [MP]

11.58 “Philleep, one is bored off one’s Royal tits.” [MG]

11.55 Fraudsters! Quick! Save this image! [MG]

11.54 They’re away to sign the register in a back room so that no-one works out that Prince William has the handwriting of a mentally affected Bassett Hound. [MP]

11.53 That’s you, love. Try and look chuffed about it, eh? [MP]

11.52 All rise for the national anthem of the Faroe Islands! [MP]

11.50 At 11pm tonight, Prince William will tweet ‘Just checked in to the new wife’s minge LOL #rw2011′ on Foursquare. You just watch. [MG]

11.49 Rowan Williams Fact: Those two purple brooches on his… magic cloak… are actually taken from the eyes of the incredibly rare ‘Pegasus Owl’ of which, until recently, there was only one. He killed it. For brooches. Still. Royal Wedding, eh? [MP]

11.47 These lads doing the prayers are unnecessarily menacing. It’s as though they’ve got an agenda or something. I wonder what it could be… [MP]

11.45 All this praying is a bit much. When is the mobile disco fella turning up? When do we all get to stand outside smoking fags while stood on people’s gravestones? That’s what weddings are all about aren’t they? [MG]

11.42 There’s been a lot of speculation about Prince William’s badges and medals. hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that one of Wills’ medals is a special golden issue from Clint Eastwood’s appreciation society. It is believe that Eastwood sent the token after he mistook William for his brother, ‘Dirty Harry’. [MG]

11.4o Meanwhile, in Glasgow, the City Council warn that some fun might be had without the express written consent of “the man”. The people rejoice.

11.38 Here it comes. The dig at the atheists. Oi! Bishop of London! I’ll get you, and your little dog too! [MP]

11.37 I’m genuinely surprised that the Express didn’t pay for a giant ceiling mural of Princess Diana to be painted inside the Abbey so that she could gaze down upon them. In fact, I might ring up Mohammed Al Fayed and suggest that he do that in Fulham’s home dressing room. [MP]

11.35 In a way, every wedding’s like a Royal Wedding. Besides all the differences. I highly doubt that when I get married to some squalid whore that Huw Edwards will find it in himself to come down and commentate on it while odious women cackle over the outfit choices. [MP]

11.33 The Lord Bishop of London’s little pulpit makes him look like a ghost in a one-man elevator. [MP]

11.29 I love this John Rutter number! I’m singing along at the top of my soprano voice. Naturally I’m singing about God because I’m a giant hypocrite. [MP]

11.28 Look at these little shits [MG]

11.25 Now would be a really good time for Paul Burrell to show up, swearing and reeking of Strongbow. [MG]

11.24 Nick Clegg‘s wife is Spanish, isn’t she? That’s ironic because she’s clearly come dressed as Carmen Sandiego [MP]

11.23 Determined to spoil this Royal occasion, twitter have locked us out of our account for tweeting too much. Bastards. We’re just trying to have a nice time. [MG]

11.20 We were promised Real2Reel’s ‘I Like To Move It’ in this bastard ceremony. We cannot trust our sources, clearly. [MG]

11.18 Getting a good look are you William? Are ya? Dirty sod. [MG]

11.17 It’s always nice to see a wedding, isn’t it? Is anyone watching in 3D? Is it hugely creepy? I bet it is. It’s as if big Willy’s bald spot is coming straight out of the TV at you, isn’t it? Looming up like a shiny, angry sexual partner. [MP]

11.16 No-one speaks up because all of her previous sexual partners have been banned from the building. Good plan. [MP]

11.15 This lad won’t be winning any praise from the Plain English Campaign. [MP]

11.13 Did you hear that? The priest just said “In your face!” to the congregation. He’s well street. [MP]

11.12 “Inna gadda da vida honey…” [MG]

11.11 Will one of the Royal Couple faint like you see on You’ve Been Framed? They better fucking had. [MG]

11.10 It’s that hymn! Come on now! You all know the words. Hmmmm hmmm hummmmmmm hrrrr hiiiinnnnnnn haaaaargh. Plough through it like an stubborn poo! Come on! [MP]

11.09 You’d have thought ‘Wills’ would have got on to Shane Warne at Advanced Hair Studio to get that bald patch sorted out. He’s going to have to watch this video back eventually and will see his older, sadder self reflected in the dome of his youth. [MP]

11.08 Resplendent. That’s a bloody good adjective, isn’t it? Let’s use it to describe absolutely everything in the Abbey. [MP]

11.06 Not the psalm I’d have chosen. My favourite’s that one about the… uhh… christians? Doing good things? I dunno. I just wanted to feel involved. [MP]

11.04 And here comes the brass section. If anyone plays a note out of tune, they will be taken to Trafalgar Square to be flogged by you, the tax payer. [MG]

11.03 Look. Look at this you idiots. Squeeetc. She looks like a lace condom. [MG]

11.02 The announcement of Kate’s dress designer caused one of the vapid cunts in the Bellend Blimp to squee with delight. Hopefully she’ll have a heart-attack or be removed midway through the ceremony. [MP]

11.02 Breaking News – No-one is watching ITV’s coverage. [MG]

11.01 “Yes, she’s wearing her hair largely as expected.” What? On her head? [MP]

11.00 While we’re on the subject of things that Huw Edwards wants to say but can’t, just remember to keep clicking refresh to see all of our hatred and bile. Mof Gimmers is currently quaking with rage. He’s just loudly shouted “FUCKING SHAWLS!” and stormed out of the bedsit. [MP]

10.58 GO ON HUW! SAY IT! SAY IT! SHE’S GOING TO BE THE PEOPLE’S PRINCESS ISN’T SHE?! GOOOO ONNNNNNN. [MP]

10.57 BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BBC: It’s not raining in London. Kate’s dress is unlikely to go see-through so all of you chronic masturbators can down tools and go and have a think about what you were about to do. [MP]

10.56 Middleton needs to sort her Royal Wave out. She looks like someone waving during the credits of Strike It Lucky. As an aside, will Barrymore being hosting a pool party for the occasion? [MG]

10.55 Oh my god! I totally forgot about her dress! Look at her! She looks like a cross between a doily and Princess Amidala from Star Wars. It’s enough to make you want to break down and cry. [MP]

10.53 On the BBC, Huw’s getting a kinky little semi over Kate Middleton and suddenly, from nowhere, implies that the poor lassie might have soiled herself. I don’t think that’s really fair. She’s probably got a little bag for that, right? That’s what royalty do, right? Shit in a little bag? No? [MP]

10.51 Rumour has it that The Queen has a special Royal Wedding Tena Lady made from a swan wing, embroidered with the face of Henry VIII. You paid for that you did. [MG]

10.49 The Queen did well not to display the fact that she’s not wearing any undercrackers by jumping out of the car like a dismounting gymnast. What a gal. [MP]

10.48 Over on Russia Today, they’re completely ignoring the Royal Wedding in favour of a giant image of a stone hammer and sickle that’s on fire, surrounded by the word UKRAINE. Marvellous stuff. [MG]

10.47 The conversation in that car must be akin to the BNP party conference right now. Philip effin’ and jeffin’ about all those other types coming over here. Wait till he sees his old pal, the Sultan of Brunei! Yes, I am obsessed with the Sultan of Brunei. [MP]

10.46 Manner of the hecklerspray Twitter for the day Kris Silver has pointed out that Ladbrokes are incredibly accurate. [MP]

10.42 And there’s The Queen, dressed up like a lemon fancy. The Duke of Edinburgh sits beside her, grimacing and looking exactly like the teacher from Bash Street Kids. [MG]

10.40 Huw Edwards on the BBC talking about the various designers and dresses. You can almost hear his eyes rolling. All the while, plebs line the streets, screaming like The Beatles just landed in JFK. Honestly! The Royal Family have never written a decent song, ever.  [MG]

10.37 Does anyone know where Princess Diana is? You’d think she’d make an appearance wouldn’t you? Sure, she’s dead, but it would be great to see her zombified cadaver wobbling up the aisle, pointing at people saying “You got me killed…” with bits of foetid flesh tumbling away from her crumbling bones. [MG]

10.35 Not sure who is doing the voiceover on Sky News, but they have a voice that recreates the feeling of being hit with a tranquiliser dart. Meanwhile, on the Beeb, Huw points out that one of Sarah Ferguson’s daughters is the first female in-line to the throne. Is she the one who ALLEGEDLY shagged abysmal comedian Jack Whitehall? [MG]

10.33 From the right angle, Westminster Abbey looks like a surprised face, bleeding at the mouth. Also, nice to see the fellas in gold capes. When you get that high up in the clergy, you can actually fly like Superman. [MG]

10.32 Our former editor Stuart Heritage (it’s not been as good since he left) on Twitter sends a cold shiver down our spines: “Me with the happy couple. I think Kate likes me http://yfrog.com/h8qmoqwj [MP]

10.30 Huw also points out that when the Royal Family is involved, they’re not mini-buses. They’re mini-coaches. You’d do well to remember that, you commoner. [MP]

10.27 Huw there, just reminding us of how much better the Middleton’s are than the rest of us. Thanks Huw. I didn’t need to feel like that while I’m sat here in my pyjamas shouting angrily at the privileged. Still, remember to keep hitting refresh, eh? [MP]

10.24 A runner has just earned their keep by correctly identifying the King of Tonga. That’s a kid that you want on your pub quiz team! [MP]

10.22 The Sultan of Brunei’s in the house! The party can begin! [MP]

10.20 Always nice to hear Huw Edwards say “intimate area”. [MG]

10.19 All that footage of the cars left me thinking that I was either watching a really slow Scaletrix race or the world’s stupidest episode of Top Gear. As Kris pointed out on our twitter account, the Princes had so much rope on ‘em that they looked like they were tied into their cars. [MG]

10.16 Police officers line the route, unable to wear stab vests or personal protection. That’s nice isn’t it? When there might be something awful about to happen, they have to dress up like cartoon characters and just take it in case one of the Inbreds sees a t-shirt on their big, special day. [MP]

10.14 Prince Harry is currently using the words, “Bigger than Jesus,” as he refers to a delighted William. [MP]

10.12 Have you noticed it yet, readers? Quite literally nothing is happening except Huw Edwards stalling for time. Huw is a world-renowned expert at talking out of his arse during pompous events. He’s always delighted to be asked. [MP]

10.10 Fun Royal Wedding fact; Simon Schama is being paid for his appearance on the coverage in “Lost Credibility”. The two are rapidly cancelling each other out as he screams into the horrific abyss in front of him. [MP]

10.08 Fearne’s meeting the representatives of the Commonwealth, some of whom seem to believe that they’re fertile, and has used the word ‘tangible’. Her IQ just went up 20 points. [MP]

10.04 Christ, what fresh dystopian hell is this? I’m dragged out of my pit after an hour and a half’s sleep to see that boy who hates bad customer service, dressed like a shit noire detective interviewing three idiotic twats who’ve turned up in wedding dresses. They realise that they can’t get involved, right? [Michael Park]

10.00 Does anyone else feel incredibly patronised by this whole ‘commoner’ thing? While the residents of the hecklerspray bedsit are most certainly common as dogshit, we don’t like being reminded by news readers, what with their stockings and suspenders hidden beneath their stupid news desks. [MG]

9.56 We’re soon to be joined by Snark Supreme, Michael Park. He’s Scottish so he probably hates the Royal Family more than anyone else. More than that guy who exploded on the radio yesterday. [MG]

9.53 That’s the last time we take advice from one of our readers. We tried to make the page autorefresh but it went all wrong. Hopefully, it has been sorted now. MANUALLY PRESS REFRESH, OKAY? [MG]

9.43 Nice to see the red carpet in the Abbey looking like a giant, bloody sperm. [MG]

9.36 Tara PT‘s hat looks like a Royal Blue vagina. With Victoria Beckham sporting a licorice minge, is this a theme? [MG]

9.30 David Cameron “slept on The Mall” for Charles and Di’s wedding. Mercifully, Sky News cut him off mid-stream to focus on Tara Palmer Tomkinson’s horrific nose job. Brilliant. [MG]

9.20 And Sky News are now muttering about the ‘no-no’ that is Victoria Beckham who is wearing all black. She is wearing a hat that looks like a licorice vagina. [MG]

9.17 David Beckham has appeared with an Action Man haircut and, because he’s really dim (or just doesn’t give a shit), he’s wearing his OBE on the wrong side. He’ll probably get beheaded for that. [MG]

9.16 Eamonn Holmes talking about ‘sore bottoms’ in Westminster Abbey on Sky. This is not a joke. [MG]

9.12 Don’t know who Kay Burley is talking to, but she’s just said that “Kate Middleton’s style is usually quite slim, quite slender”. Do we expect her to have piled weight on in the night? Tit. [MG]

9.10 Kay Burley is on-screen. Not her face. Just her voice, like some ghoulish deity, waiting to puke a thunderstorm on the assembled hats. Meanwhile, a marching band play ‘Sir Duke’ by Stevie Wonder [MG]

9.07 Over on Sky News, Eamonn Holmes is talking to people with plumbs in their mouths. Naturally, Eamonn is trying to climb in and eat said plumbs. He’s obsessed with his gut that lad. We can only hope that Sky has a feature set up where Holmes has to eat a recreation of the buffet that is planned for the Royal Couple later on tonight. [MG]

9.04 Can we get an interview with Paul Burrell please? I’d like to see him crying and mouthing the words “Diana… she was the Queen of our Hearts” over and over. [MG]

9.01 Prince Seeiso is on the BBC. He can’t stop frowning. Even when he smiles, he’s frowning. Rumour has it, when Kate says ‘I do’, Seeiso will lift his frown and drop his trousers to show off his new tattoo on his arse-cheeks.[MG]

9.00 Keep pressing refresh so you can see more words you pricks. [MG]

8.55 Matt Allwright is on-hand to talk to a tit in army gear. Sadly, he’s not haranguing them in his Rogue Traders guise with his chum who drives a motorbike. Go on Matt! Give someone some shit! Doorstep them! Stop being such a simpering, spineless coward! [MG]

8.53 While ‘the whole world’ is invited to Westminster Abbey, we invite you to give CheShA some praise at his twitter account for the brilliantly hideous image he made for our liveblog. Prince Phil is looking particularly great we think [MG]

8.49 The pipsqueak bloke from the BBC who was on Strictly is stood before a sea of Union Jacks, crowded by mooing pinheads all stood on the street to watch… well… coverage that’s considerably poorer than what we can see on the television. [MG]

8.42 Huw Edwards looks constipated with excitement. [MG]

8.38 Kris, who is running the twitter account today, decided to go down to the Abbey yesterday and took a load of pictures of the nutters hanging around. Click here to see them. [MG]

8.32 Hello there Royalists. How are you? Yes indeed. It is liveblog time (do keep pressing refresh or this will look very slow and boring) and currently, what we can see is an empty church and a bunch of posh people queuing up in their stupid hats. This is going to be brilliant, obviously. No sign of any snipers taking out ne’er-do-wells as yet. We live in hope. – Mof Gimmers

You didn’t forget did you? There’s a Royal Wedding on tomorrow and our editor Mof Gimmers and staunch Scot Michael Park will be liveblogging events with Super Kris manning the twitter account.

We’re as sick of it as you are, but hopefully, we’ll be funny/nasty/libellous/overcome with emotion at it all. So join us or we’ll set the Michael Jackson fans on you.

Join Mof Gimmers and Michael Park for a marvellous liveblog covering the Royal Wedding! That’s the one involving Prince William and Kate Middleton!

There’ll be talk of dresses, dignitaries, alcoholism, self harm, people blowing trumpets and scurrilous, unsubstantiated rumours about the parentage of Prince Harry!

Friday morning is when it all kicks off. Be sure to follow the libel on our twitter account too!

Dolly Parton, despite being 93% man-made (like a Rustler’s microwaveable burger), is still one of the most brilliant humans on the planet. She’s only got 3 or 4 really famous tunes, but that doesn’t matter – the world is better simply by her existence.

Of course, like all country singers, Dolly has been unlucky in love. Deserving a lucky break, we hope that her wish to marry Prince Harry comes true!

That’s right. Dolly Parton wants to betroth herself to Prince Harry and all his fondness for dressing up like the Third Reich and smoking reefers. She’ll probably fix him and get him down the plastic surgery clinic in no time, leaving our heir to the throne looking like a cross between Hitler and David Gest. Who wouldn’t want to see that on the back of bank note?

Parton said she doesn’t have an invite to the royal wedding (a travesty) but if she marries Harry then she’ll be fine.

“I didn’t get an invite which is disappointing. I’ll just marry Harry then I’ll be guaranteed to go to the next one for sure. He’s a little cutie, isn’t he?”

“Everybody loves a princess wedding – it’s a fairytale. Romance is always wonderful. Everyone wants romance in their lives and if they can’t have it in their own they like watching it in someone else’s.”

Awww!

Dolly is so sweet isn’t she? Of course, her face didn’t move once while she spoke those two paragraphs, but that’s okay. We’ll never meet her anyway, so who cares if she looks and moves like a sex-doll?

All we know is that we want her to be our Queen. Someone make it happen. And no, that isn’t a call to mentalists to murder the rest of the Royals ’til it happens.

Maybe.

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