If you happen to have the vaguest interest in films, then you’ll have realised that over the last few years, there’s been a couple of ongoing trends. Two scoops of ice-cream and a smidgen of sauce will cost you a week’s wage, whilst the films themselves have been rehashed to death.
All sorts of fancy mind numbing modern effects such as HD, 3D and IMAX are being used to hike up ticket prices to drag in doleful punters.
As for the films themselves, there has been nothing of any immediate mainstream quality in the last decade that’s made us rush out to the cinema. All we’re faced with are countless sequels, rubbish remakes/reduxes and adaptations from books like Harry Potter. Disney have decided to embrace technology and re-release The Lion King with sharper animation and three whole dimensions. Now a new generation of children can see Mufasa die, but in 3D!
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Prince Harry is a very, very wealthy man. He could probably get people killed if he wanted to. It must be brilliant being him, even with the whole Not Sure Who My Dad Is Now You Mention It thing.
With all those coins, cars and boats at his disposal, it’s not difficult to imagine that Harry can’t move for tail. The ladies invariably throw themselves at him, with dreams of being a real life princess.
However, the press are adamant that Harry should have sex with his sister-in-law, Pippa Middleton. That’s right! The rags are courting these two, pressing their noses up at windows, overlooking a non-existent sex life. It’s astonishing. And now, it seems that Pippa ‘the arse’ Middleton is falling for it, hook line and sinker, playing out the role of nagging girlfriend before they’ve even had chance to buy condoms.
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JLS fans haven’t been very kind to us of late. Apparently they don’t like the fact that we inferred that their favourite band mimed some bad words and threw one of those showbiz hissy fit things at T4 On The Beach, which they TOTALLY did.
Naturally being the reasonable and thoughtful people we are, we thought we’d take another shot at them.
This time over the fact they’ve admitted they can’t sing. Read More >>>
It’s been a weekend full of festivals with nearly every performer you can think of out to plug any old tat they’ve got coming out soon. Up in Scotland, a mix of indie, rock and electronica could be found, although annoyances like Bruno Mars still managed to evade security and get on stage at T in the Park, while at Sonisphere, they had angry music fans happy with bands that haven’t progressed from early eighties hair metal.
But the pick of the bunch was down at the sick seagull of Britain – Weston-super-Mare – where the family friendly festival T4 On The Beach was happening! While it was broadcast on Channel 4 and hosted by a gang of hipsters who all deserve to be shot, it was the sort of day where parents of small children could drop them off, safe in the knowledge they wouldn’t be snorting lines of speed. Last year, one of music’s answers to satire, Jedward, broke an ankle.
This year, JLS threw a slight hissy fit and pulled out of the event. It’s almost like the end of the world has just happened. So what pissed off JLS then?
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Trolling the carcass of Princess Diana is a very, very easy thing to do. Diana has the kind of fans that Michael Jackson would be proud of – bug-eyed nutters who howl in anguish at any kind of negativity thrown their way.
However, riling up these devotees isn’t easy. They’ve heard it all before, willing to shrug off the lamer of the insults levelled at their idol. However, there’s some words being thrown at Diana which are expertly pitched.
How about the one where Lady Di gets called an “anorexic, bulimic narcissist”?
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Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.
Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.
But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.
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Arse worshippers! Good news for your deluded selves! Pippa Middleton is single! Now, you shouldn’t let the fact she wouldn’t touch you with a stinky bargepole stop you believing you’re in with a shot of getting next to her now world famous behind!
Even though she’s now related to one of the most wealthy and powerful families of inbreeds on the planet, you should definitely think to yourself that somehow, she’s going to take kindly to a pleb like you, just like Prince William did when he married ‘a commoner’.
A commoner with a shite load of money.
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For a brief moment in Britain, everyone felt kinda good when Prince William and Kate Middleton (or The Duchess of Skelmersdale or whatever she is these days) got married. Not that there was a sense of national unity brought about by an old-fashioned state event.
Rather, everyone seemed to agree that the little car they drove around in was nice and that Pippa Middleton has a very pleasing arse.
Of course, this good feeling lasted all of about 30 seconds and everyone went back to wondering what exactly the Royal Family offer us. And in the build-up to an official trip to Canada, one politician decided to vent spleen in their direction in a volley of abuse that is almost hecklersprayesque in quality and pettiness.
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