What’s been cheering us up and ticking us off respectively this week.

Folded:

• 27 Dresses (featuring Katherine Heigl’s chest and an audience full of sexist males and girlie females)

• Cheap X-Files DVDs (get them on eBay before the new film comes out on 25th July; that’s when you sell them again)

• Rainbow Six Vegas 2 (stealthy death galore, though still an odd choice of location)

• Loose Women (cleavage milfs)

• Michelle Ryan’s accent in Bionic Woman (awful show, but the ex-EastEnder really nailed that nasal American drawl. Deary me, all that work for nothing)

Creased:

• Domino’s steak pizza (a lump of meaty cottage cheese that someone has just charged you a tenner for)

• Gamestation (how can a shop this overpriced still be packed out during school holidays?)

• Brahma beer (why doesn’t this taste of bananas? It looks like it should taste of bananas)

• Loose Women (cleavage 'milfs' occasionally featuring Jane McDonald)

• Bionic Woman (feel sorry for the great Miguel Ferrer – he was dizzy the day he signed on for this slop)

Cloverfield – or That Shaky Camera Film About Godzilla Punching The Heads Off Statues as it's known round here – is top of the weekend box office.

But how could it possibly not be? Ever since the Cloverfield teasers flickered into life six months ago, the movie was always going to end up topping the US weekend box office. How good is Cloverfield exactly? According to weekend box office grosses, it's 82 times better than Woody Allen's new film.

But then again we recently did a shit that was 83 times better than Woody Allen's new film, so that isn't exactly high praise.

On paper Cloverfield shouldn't come anywhere close to working – it's basically Godzilla through the eyes of the Blair Witch Project – but its weekend box office receipts show that actually it does. Of course, Cloverfield has its detractors who say that a movie about New York under attack demeans the memory of 9/11, and, of course, they're right.

In fact, early audiences have reacted negatively to some of Cloverfield's scenes – especially the ones that painfully evoke memories of seven years ago when Al Qaeda sent armies of eight-foot lice onto the streets to explode people by sort of crawling inside them.

Here's this week's weekend box office top five:

1 – Cloverfield (Now that it's been proved that you can make any movie a success if you make it with shaky hand-held cameras operated by screaming actors, let's cross our fingers that the movie about the vegetable pirates gets this treatment soon) $41,000,000

2 - 27 Dresses (We're not even going to pretend that we know what 27 Dresses is about, because it's called 27 Dresses for the love of God. We want to watch films called Exploding Robot Death, not 27 Dresses, you Hollywood idiots) $22.427,000

3 - The Bucket List (At least with a film about terminal illness you know there probably won't be a sequel on the cards. If only 27 Dresses ended with everyone getting leukaemia, we might be able to make the same comforting assumption. It might do, actually, for all we know. We haven't seen it. Honest) $15.150,000

4 - Juno (The heartwarming teenage pregnancy comedy that's winning fans over around the world while simultaneously turning them on to folk music sung by giant rabbits who drink their own piss. Take that, 27 Dresses!) $10,250,000

5 - National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (New releases not in the US weekend box office top five include a film by Woody Allen, the much-hyped new Katie Holmes movie and the Pamela Anderson epic Blonde & Blonder. 27 Dresses, however, is in the US weekend box office top five, even though it's a film about 27 bloody dresses. What's happened to the world?) $8,148,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo