Guest blog! Stuart Waterman!
Rapper and “singer-songwriter” T-Pain has made a tidy living out of being universally associated with voice-distortion audio plaything Auto-Tune.
However, while Kanye West took the technology and created a daring, fascinating album in 808s & Heartbreaks, T-Pain mostly uses Auto-Tune to appear on songs about a) drinking, b) sexing, and c) sex-drinking (maybe).
Nevertheless, this formula has served T-Pain so well that he can now afford to spend time dicking about on golf carts, pausing only to have his teeth smashed right out of his gaudily-decorated head.
It seems T-Pain – real name the slighly less catchy Faheem Rasheed Najm – was horsing around with a member of his entourage backstage at the AT&T arena in San Antonio, Texas when the incident occurred. I know, I know – you had visions of T-Pain gunning it around a golf course swigging a “drank” and then overturning his little buggy at 10 mph, perhaps busting his “grill” on a particularly unkempt patch of the putting green. I was hoping for that too, so you’re not the only disappointed party here.
T-Pain – who, in case you aren’t familiar with him, looks kind of like the ringmaster of a MySpace-sponsored, George Clinton-themed circus – described the effects of his accident thuswise:
“My ass is on fire right now. My side hurt, my mouth hurt. I bust my ass. I’d show you the marks, but I don’t wanna pull my pants down right now. I got my teeth fixed the same day. Rich nigga teeth.”
Why is his anus on fire? Does losing your teeth give you diarrohea? Did he swallow his chompers when they became dislodged, resulting in the gruesomely painful act of him shitting out his own teeth? Did the “friend” who battered his face up try and finish the job by ramming a firework into his rectum? And if not, why not?
Honestly, if I were T-Pain (?TEETH PAIN? MORE LIKE, LOL) I would be looking at switching up my retinue of hangers-on. Not only does he have people battering his trinket-festooned face with vehicles, but he also seems to have nobody in his entourage to create a more rapper-friendly cover story. Being reported as even being in the vicinity of a golf cart is surely dangerous to an urban star?s rep, so what his ?people? are thinking allowing this story out unspun is beyond me.
Surely there’s a publicist who could be helping T-Pain out with incidents such as this? I’m willing to throw my big spangly hat into the ring if a vacancy exists. How about “T-Pain loses four teeth after being pistol-whipped by a syphilitic hooker”? Imagine the cachet in that! Or “T-Pain loses four teeth because he drinks so bloody much that the constant repeated contact betwixt bottle and gnashers has completely overpowered his gums”? Or the slightly snappier ?T-Pain loses four teeth after trying to eat a Cadillac Escalade for dinner?? I mean, I could go on.If you’re reading T, “holla” at me. Or just use email. Whatevs. Are you on LinkedIn?
As yet there are no signs that T-Pain?s mouth injury, or burning anus, are likely to keep him out of the music game for long, so if you were hoping that was going to be the ultimate outcome of this story I can only apologise.
This was a guest blog by the effortlessly marvellous Stuart Waterman from My Chemical Toilet. Rejoice in the glow of his warm humanity, ye peasants.