We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline.
It’s true, though. It’s been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We’re guessing they’ll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.
Susan Boil. The Hairy Angel. The Bearded Lady. The Big Lass. Big Fatty Shagless Spinster. The blogosphere can be cruel sometimes. Completely accurate, but cruel nonetheless.
And poor Susan Boyle never asked for all this attention. Yes, she chose to audition for Britain’s Got Talent, knowing that Simon Cowell would henceforth own her voice, her name, and her massive collection of Staffordshire pottery statuettes of kittens peeking out of old boots. But still, she couldn’t have known quite how bonkers the world’s response to her not-too-bad singing would be.
And it could all even be for naught, as a child and a Frankenstein impersonator have arrived on the scene to try and wrestle the ‘Aah, look at that. And it can sing’ votes from Susan’s strong, meaty fingers.
It all seems to have gone to her head a bit, though. First, she went and got a trendy haircut, the likes of which won’t be seen in Scotland for another 30 years. And now she’s so drunk with the power of celebrity she’s only gone and snubbed the US President, Barack Obama. With an attitude like that, she’ll no doubt soon be wandering round the BGT studio shouting ‘Ah-Da-Da-Da-Da’ at the lighting crew.
What could have caused her to turn down an offer of dinner with the leader of the world? Nerves? Chronic flatulence? A comb got tangled in her eyebrows and now she’s waiting for new hair growth to release it? Almost certainly that one, although she’s going with the nerves thing as a cover story. A source has told The News of the World:
“She was shocked and thrilled by the invite – but it was all too much too soon for her, so she said no. She’ll have no doubt stayed in with her cat Pebbles, washed her hair and watched Britain’s Got Talent on telly.”
We don’t think the source meant that Susan spent the night washing her cat’s hair, but we imagine she would have at least had a couple of hours picking fleas off the beast, and popping them into her mouth.
Anyway, Barrack Obama is going to be pretty displeased to hear that Susan Boyle has managed to fit an appearance on the Oprah show into her busy schedule of eyebrow combing and manual cat defleaing. She’ll be on today, in a special edition called The World’s Got Talent, also featuring Simon Cowell and several Boylesque unknowns from around the planet. The Daily Mail tells us that:
Oprah’s production crew spent time with Susan at her home in Blackburn, Scotland, on Tuesday. The unemployed 47-year-old gave the crew a tour of her modest home.
A bit like MTV‘s Cribs, though we presume there were fewer blunts and bongs to hastily throw into cupboards than when Snoop Dogg did his.
So Susan Boyle, who looks a lot like Stan Laurel in a fright wig, has achieved total world dominance: the US president and the undisputed heavyweight champion of chat are both fans. How best to mark this lady’s rise to global fame?
Ah, of course: by painting a picture of her singing for Obama, who is listening through ‘pancake amplification‘. We leave it to psychotic and probably certifiable American artist, Dan Lacey, to explain:
“My name is Dan Lacey. I used to draw a cartoon called Faithmouse, but now I paint people with pancakes on their heads and a continuing series of images featuring Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn. I live in Minnesota.”
Oh, you terrible crazy, you. Minnesota’s shit.