We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline.
It’s true, though. It’s been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We’re guessing they’ll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.
Susan Boil. The Hairy Angel. The Bearded Lady. The Big Lass. Big Fatty Shagless Spinster. The blogosphere can be cruel sometimes. Completely accurate, but cruel nonetheless.
And poor Susan Boyle never asked for all this attention. Yes, she chose to audition for Britain’s Got Talent, knowing that Simon Cowell would henceforth own her voice, her name, and her massive collection of Staffordshire pottery statuettes of kittens peeking out of old boots. But still, she couldn’t have known quite how bonkers the world’s response to her not-too-bad singing would be.
And it could all even be for naught, as a child and a Frankenstein impersonator have arrived on the scene to try and wrestle the ‘Aah, look at that. And it can sing’ votes from Susan’s strong, meaty fingers.
It all seems to have gone to her head a bit, though. First, she went and got a trendy haircut, the likes of which won’t be seen in Scotland for another 30 years. And now she’s so drunk with the power of celebrity she’s only gone and snubbed the US President, Barack Obama. With an attitude like that, she’ll no doubt soon be wandering round the BGT studio shouting ‘Ah-Da-Da-Da-Da’ at the lighting crew.
What could have caused her to turn down an offer of dinner with the leader of the world? Nerves? Chronic flatulence? A comb got tangled in her eyebrows and now she’s waiting for new hair growth to release it? Almost certainly that one, although she’s going with the nerves thing as a cover story. A source has told The News of the World:
“She was shocked and thrilled by the invite – but it was all too much too soon for her, so she said no. She’ll have no doubt stayed in with her cat Pebbles, washed her hair and watched Britain’s Got Talent on telly.”
We don’t think the source meant that Susan spent the night washing her cat’s hair, but we imagine she would have at least had a couple of hours picking fleas off the beast, and popping them into her mouth.
Anyway, Barrack Obama is going to be pretty displeased to hear that Susan Boyle has managed to fit an appearance on the Oprah show into her busy schedule of eyebrow combing and manual cat defleaing. She’ll be on today, in a special edition called The World’s Got Talent, also featuring Simon Cowell and several Boylesque unknowns from around the planet. The Daily Mail tells us that:
Oprah’s production crew spent time with Susan at her home in Blackburn, Scotland, on Tuesday. The unemployed 47-year-old gave the crew a tour of her modest home.
A bit like MTV‘s Cribs, though we presume there were fewer blunts and bongs to hastily throw into cupboards than when Snoop Dogg did his.
So Susan Boyle, who looks a lot like Stan Laurel in a fright wig, has achieved total world dominance: the US president and the undisputed heavyweight champion of chat are both fans. How best to mark this lady’s rise to global fame?
Ah, of course: by painting a picture of her singing for Obama, who is listening through ‘pancake amplification‘. We leave it to psychotic and probably certifiable American artist, Dan Lacey, to explain:
“My name is Dan Lacey. I used to draw a cartoon called Faithmouse, but now I paint people with pancakes on their heads and a continuing series of images featuring Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn. I live in Minnesota.”
Oh, you terrible crazy, you. Minnesota’s shit.
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wut? says
What’s wrong with the headline? Afraid people would think Susan Boyle was racist? I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, so this may come as a shock, but Oprah is BLACK! Like, I KNOW!! Or is it because he’s the president and turning him down is the same as letting the terrorists win? Who cares. All this forced political correctness is stupid.
Oh, and she “snubbed” the chocolate god of the universe because she was nervous to stand next to his holiness you jackass (and for someone who’s lived in cupboard all her life, that IS an excuse). Seriously, who writes this shit?
connie says
Obama is sharp, witty, comical, poised, intelligent, ambitious, influential and VERY powerful..who wouldnt be intimidated? Oprah is similair but has the known ability to put a person at ease. She is of course, in our living room most evenings. Not that Obama doesnt posess that quality, he’s just NEW to the scene and can take us quite off guard. I would be thrilled just being on Obamas guest list, that by itself is a memory and story worth bragging about, let alone, attend. I’d feel like a duck out of water. Susan’s fame is new, Im sure thats how she’s feeling it. In addition, Oprah is a question and answer celebrity-izm, how would you react one on one with Obama?….I admire Susans simplisic lifestyle and attitude, I absoultey adore her vulnerability, honesty and cuteness about her. She knows Obama is to much to soon, I applaude him for extending an invitation to this special woman, he has a sharp eye for quality. Susans performance on BGT shamed me, humiliated me, because I had the same pathetic attitude as the audience and in the next second she resurrected my spirit. I have never taken such a serious nose dive to be exhilerated a moment later. It was akin to loosing your breath from falling only to be swooped up and rescued. How powerful was that?
dan says
You guys are idiots!!!!!!!! She turned it down because she has a contract. If you would bother looking up facts instead of spewing childish left wing nonsense, you would know that. Maybe your the one sitting at home picking fleas off of your pets!
stephen kay says
She needed to practise and thats all there is to it.
MartyPA says
She gave a very polite reply when given the invitation and was obviously touched by it.
Surely you see the difference between letting a TV crew into her home for a short interview and flying to another country to attend a dinner which I’m sure she can’t financially afford to do in the first place!
Perhaps you don’t.
I’ll never be able to comprehend why people think it’s funny to beat up on a little lady that did nothing more then enter a talent competition.
Susan’s a better person then you are.
Make fun of her all you like because unlike you, she’s a beautiful human being with a heart.
You, on the other hand, are a disgusting pig.
Ainsley Jo Phillips says
I like humor as much as the next person–including a good roast.
However, methinks this roast of this amazing lady must have been composed of two-week-old roadkill (that used to be a skunk) because it stinks to high heavens!
Ainsley Jo Phillips says
P.S. Your roast doesn’t just stink–it REEKS!!!
MrSoAndSo2009 says
Contestants of Britain’s Got Talent are not permitted to travel overseas until after they have finished the competition.
Obviously, having a film crew enter her home for a couple hours was not a big deal.
And so, this article fails to hold up to my tremendously high standards. I like apple pie.
Joke Police says
Ok, there’s eight comments. I haven’t read any of them yet. First I want to guess how many of them are from rabid right-wing bible-thumpers suggesting that this proves Obama is Satan and that Sarah Palin should be Queen Of The World or something.
I predict at least five.
On second thoughts, maybe they’ll just be lots of ‘Leave Susan alone you mean-spirited bloggy man, you call this writing, she brought joy to all our lives etc’.
I’ll be back to react to the accuracy of my own prediction.
Joke Police says
Eurgh.
The first comment used the phrase ‘chocolate god’ and my brain fell out.
Can anyone tell me what the score was?
MartyPA says
Joke Police, your score was pretty low……..lol.
This isn’t about politics. I’d imagine that Susan knows very little of politics.
This is about viciously insulting someone.
I’d love to see the talentless, vile creature that wrote this article live one day in Susan’s life, and see if he could muster up her courage to do what she did.
Connie2 says
obama is only smart to the illiterate, uneducated and not-well-informed. If the media is fair and unbiased, then you can tell me obama is smart.
gilbert wham says
“brought a little bit of acid up” Not at all. Susan Boyle licking Oprah’s squid? I’m hot to trot, me. Where’s the video?
What?
John Jackson says
Dear Gibbo,
You are a vile and hateful person. It will be people like you to bring down my party…keep it up Butthead!
music and lyrics says
Susan Boyle gave an example of how senseless our paradigms of beauty are. I was so happy to see the faces of those that put you down at the beginning, (those girls). You knocked us all out! God Bless You Susan Boyle, do not let any dirty hands touch you. You are so beautiful! The best of luck for you foerever.
Fran Robinson says
I applaud Susan, I would not be in the same building with Obama.
Nancy says
For Oprah she didn’t have to get a passport, get a cat sitter, or fly several several time zones to do a one night stand. The woman was stressed out already. Perhaps she will reconsider now the competition is over. I imagine the Obamas will have another occasion to invite her to the U.S.of A.
I find Susan playful and simple in her dealings. She comes across like she knows herself and I think she made the best decision for herself under the circumstances. Why try and make more of it that there is?
S says
You are indeed a cruel bastard. Do you feel good about yourself now having written this piece of dung?