We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep.
Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They’re not as cuddly and cute as the books make out.
Someone else who is all about dreams is Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle. While we don’t really want to know what goes on inside her head, she has sung I Dreamed A Dream a few times. Granted, it’s only been twice but the entire population of the world will have seen it now. Dermot O’Leary wants to pimp her out on X Factor. Hopefully she’ll sing another song. In the style of Slipknot. She probably won’t.
As everyone knows, Susan Boyle can sing and she does this fairly well. So much so that if she was placed in a competition alongside you, she would win. Subsequently you would lose and then cry and piss yourself if you were very low on confidence. Not because she can belt out a better tune than you. It’s all down to the fact that you got beaten by a virgin who has a best friend that’s a cat. In many ways, Susan Boyle is like a singing Postman Pat.
But is everyone getting a bit sick of Susan Boyle? It’s like we’ve seen her entire life story over the course of a few months. Sadly, we can’t describe it as a rollercoaster ride that we want to be a part of. The summary of Susan Boyle is as follows:
* Upon seeing her, everyone on Britain’s Got Talent initially throws apples at her. However, they were digitally edited it out when the show was broadcast.
* We all got a shock and realised she was good.
* The press milked her for a bit and everyone got bored of her.
* She lost the final and went a bit crazy. Almost so, that she may have nearly ate her cat. Or maybe we made that bit up.
After Britain’s Got Talent had finished and Simon Cowell had finished counting his money, you’d expect Susan Boyle to fade into oblivion, wouldn’t you? Well to some extent we are right; she waltzed in to a nuthouse for a few days and then emerged a bit less mental.
But the reality show train that gave birth to Susan Boyle is set to continue with the jiggling Scottish star set to appear on another Cowell creation, X Factor. Don’t worry though, perverts – lovely Cheryl Cole hasn’t been replaced. A show insider has been quoted as saying:
“Programme bosses want the Britain’s Got Talent runner-up to mentor finalists in the over-25 group and perform alongside the singers.”
Or, if they wanted to put it in straightforward terms. “The new category for people who will go a little bit loopy and will end up licking the curtains, thinking it’s a giant boiled sweet.” Imagine it! With the advice from a happy clappy Scot, you’ll soon be able to overcome your fears and only have the occasional public meltdown!
Don’t you love show business?
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
SUSAN SET TO BOTHER YOU?
MAYBE YOU DID MAKE THAT UP TOO. LIKE MAIL ONLINE AND DAILY MAIL AND MIRROR.CO.UK
I HOPE BGT IS PLANNING TO PAY SUSAN $16,000 A MINUTE TO MENTOR THEIR KIDS
THIS IS BULL!
I’m 70% sure you stole that cat eating remark from me. Bitch.
Could you please speak up, Tim? There are a few pigmy tribes in the jungles of Borneo who didn’t quite hear that.
X-factor final will be televised live from The Priory
ongatar,
Wow, now that was funny! You just make that up or have you been waiting to use it all week? Envy is so ugly! Please stop it.
thanks R.J.
I’ve been working on that line for a month, glad you appreciate it. No need to be envious, just apply yourself and you can be just as good or better.
Dear Readers, Is everyone getting really sick Matthew Laidlow? Doesn’t he represent the absolute worst of the tabloid press – as mean and malicious as your average school yard bully, only with a (slightly) larger audience. What a complete abuse of this public online space. We can only hope he’ll attempt to do something useful and stop tormenting the schoolyard with his spiteful little rants. And if he can’t do that, he should just stop writing altogether.
Matthew couldn’t think of anything to write about today? It was let’s pick on Susan day. You must have no idea about what a loyal fan base Susan has already. We care very much about this special lady and are fiercely protective of her. Keep this up and we will hound you until you need a long stay at the Priory. We don’t like bullies.
Sadly, Harrison Bergeron ain’t no sci-fi anymore – sigh:(
Sad that the things you say are nasty, unkind, unjust and downright mean, Matthew. What kind of person are you anyway? Didn’t your mother teach you that if you’ve nothing nice to say, it’s better to shut up? So, please, shut up already.
YAWN? Who is this columnist and why should I even care? Another wannabe with a lame opinon? No?
Matthew, it looks like you’ve got all the idiots Boyle-ing mad at you.
Yeah, careful or they may Sue.
MATTHEW! What are you THINKING abusing this online space with your ugly words that around 70% of the general population are thinking anyway? HOW COULD YOU?
Hey, calling all Su-Bo fans, follow me over to a new fansite I’ve set up. It’s called getafuckinglife.com. If you don’t like it maybe you should check getafuckingsenseofhumour.com.
I know! Let’s make fun of you on your website. My but you have amazing large lips, a big nose —- cannot see your squinty eyes though due to you glasses. Do you have the nerve to send us a large pic of yourself?
I’m a big fan of Susan Boyle. I will read any news article that mentions her name. Susan’s story has just begun. She is such a very interesting person that millions of people, obviously excluding you, get inspired. She is a blessing from God. Why? Because she makes us happy by listening to her. If some people resort to a lot of things just to be merry, we, her fans, just listen to her voice and BINGO, our day is one sunny day even if it is rainy.
Scaraboo, fuck you you skank bitch. As for the author Matthew Laidbrains, you suck and lie like a troll pc of shit you moron. Why don’t you do something contructive with your life and end it you asshole. Who the hell do you think you are you second rate pc of journalistic shit. What the hell have you ever done, except have sex with your sister, that entitles you to talk crap about anyone. You toilet paper pc of trash, take your article and your face put them both in a shit can and burn them you ignorant ass wipe.
You really suck at what you do, what ever that is you just suck.
If you love Susan so much, why don’t you take overgrown lady virginity?
Or,go fist your brother.
x
Matthew, is this what you really look like? OMG are you butt ugly!!! I wonder what you will look like when you are Susan Boyle’s age. I bet the kids used to make fun of you all the time on the playground, huh?
taking language lessons from SuBo?
If you are tired of Susan then why did you take the bait and write about her. You might want to get used to it though because she will be around for awhile. Scaraboo, good idea for your fansite. You really do need it.
Hi, PWattis,
Well said!!
I think I recognize you from the other site (you know, the intelligent, compassionate, and uplifting one where we all appreciate true talent).
EatMeWhole, what’s the name of this website? What does the word heckle mean??
Now, go fuck yourself with a loaded gun and pull the trigger, you dumb asshole.
Matthew Laidlow, you are pitiful. Is this the only way you can find to spend your time? Or do you have nothing better to do and no one to occupy your time and energy. GET A LIFE!!!
The same to you. Scaraboo. I suggest you take your own advice and get your own life! You sound like a bitter, bitter human. I hope you eventually learn to appreciate the value of really great music. It will bring you joy.
There are a lot more of us who love and appreciate Susan Boyle and her talent than you could ever imagine. And stupid we are not.
O ya right ! The writer of this article claims everyone is sick of Susan Boyle ? The why are you writing about her ? Well we both know the answer to that don’t we….it sells your papers….if you didn’t think it would you would be on to something else…the fact is Miss Boyle has spectacular celebrity status and when her future CD is released you’ll be doing major news stories about it for sure….you may as well step up to the bar fess up and admit, “Ya that’s true”
SCARABOO, you COW- What a GOTH REJECT! Reading a blog? How intellectual!
MST3KSTER – Matthew should be flattered anybody bothers to come here to heckle him back! That’s the only reason why he mentioned Susan Boyle- MATTHEW is DESPERATE for ATTENTION!!!! NOW GO SHOOT YOURSELF!!!!
No wonder he so pasty-face behind a glass, probably trying to pass more of his drug-addled psychosis as gossip to kids in puberty! This blog is as MENTAL as he can get!
Mr. Laidlow, most of the time I reply to unethical slurs with reason and correction of errors. In your case, I’m not sure there is anyone home to talk to. I am instead putting you on a prayer list. The whole tone of your article, and the piece of garbage that publishes you, is so far gone that it will not hurt anyone’s feelings, it will not slant public opinion, but it will leave you and your editors with your inadequacies showing. I don’t think you could amuse a laughing hyena.
Dont you understand? This pathetic POS does not have the talent to write anything most people would ever want to read. But even a slightly above minumum wage loser like this has learned something…if you wite something controversial..more people will react! See it worked! Most of us probablt wouldn’t have posted any comments at all if he had simply wriiten kind remarks. But now..he got a few replies! He might get to keep his job a little longer now!…and get a few moments of attention in his otherwise meaningless, obscure, pathetic, life! lol