Do you have tickets for the Britain’s Got Talent tour? You do? Then that means you’re definitely one of the following.

You’re either a) really, really fond of street dance, or b) an actual idiot. And since, technically, the former is a subsection of the latter, you’re basically an idiot either way. Unless you’re going because you’re related to that creepy saxophone man, in which case you have our profound sympathies.

Or maybe you wanted to see Susan Boyle perform live. Well tough titties – Susan Boyle pulled out of her show in Manchester last night because doctors told her to.

Let’s be honest for a moment. Anyone who bought tickets to the Britain’s Got Talent tour did so for one reason and one reason only – to witness the phenomenon that is Susan Boyle in the flesh. Now that could be because the purity of her vocals during her initial performance of I Dreamed A Dream showed you a level of beauty that you never thought possible, or it could be because you were hoping she’d go mental in the chorus and frenziedly beat someone in the front row unconscious with her microphone stand, but you’d still only be going to see Susan Boyle.

But anyone who went to last night’s Britain’s Got Talent show in Manchester to see the full Susan Boyle experience – the voice, the eyebrows, the blank thousand-yard death-stare of a woman clearly uncomfortable with her predicament – went home feeling let down after they were told that their hairy hero wouldn’t be performing under medical orders to rest.

Which is fair enough, really – the scrutiny that Susan Boyle has come under in recent months would be troubling for anyone, and the poor woman only left her private clinic a few days ago, so it’s only reasonable that she should occasionally take some time off for the benefit of her mental health. Luckily the Britain’s Got Talent crowd are just as compassionate and thoughtful about this issue as you’d expect them to be, as Sky News reports:

The rest of this year’s finalists performed to rapturous applause from the 5,700-strong crowd. But boos filled the arena after presenter Stephen Mulhern told the audience that Boyle would not be performing before a video clip of her “journey” was played on stage. The crowd voiced their dismay when show host Mulhern said he hoped Boyle would recover in time for the rest of the tour.

Yes, that is exactly as compassionate and thoughtful as we expected them to be.

Anyway, we don’t know what all the fuss is about. So Susan Boyle is too mentally fragile to sing two songs in front of thousands of people who possibly only bought tickets to boo her anyway. So what? The Britain’s Got Talent tour still represents amazing value for money – where else can you see a fat bloke take his top off and run around in circles with his fat topless son? Nowhere, that’s where.

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