Susan Boyle is a modern-day Sampson, but her power is kept in her ridiculous dead weasel eyebrows instead of her hair.
That’s the truth. If Susan Boyle ever decided to trim her eyebrows or brush or hair or do anything to change the fact that she essentially looks like a marionette puppet made out some chicken giblets and a second-hand merkin, then her appeal would vanish and she’d bellyflop back into obscurity.
So it’s with a heavy heart that we report that Susan Boyle has trimmed her eyebrows, dyed her hair and bought a new coat. It’s literally a tragedy.
Just between the two of us, we’re starting to feel a tiny bit sorry for Susan Boyle. True, she might be the most famous woman in the world at the moment, but why is she famous? Because TV reporters and newspaper columnists and the stupidest percentile of the public can’t believe that someone who looks like Stig Of The Dump’s layabout grandmother can even form sentences with her mouth, let alone belt out overblown showtunes in a slightly better than mediocre way.
Susan Boyle has become a global sensation precisely because she looks like she blundered onto the Britain’s Got Talent stage while chasing a squirrel through the woods on all fours for her tea. And that can’t be particularly nice for her to put up with. Any time that someone mentions Susan Boyle’s voice, it’s with the qualifier that she looks like she should have been excavated from the Alps with an arrowhead lodged in her shoulder. And that sort of talk probably gets old quite fast.
So, like any normal person, Susan Boyle has decided to do something about it. According to the PA:
The 47-year-old’s greying hair and plain attire have been the subject of intense debate across the country. But now she has been spotted outside her home with chestnut brown locks and sporting a leather jacket. The spinster, who lives with her cat Pebbles, also appeared to be wearing make-up. She was pictured wearing smart trousers and heels as she set off for the shops. A local hairdresser is reported to have carried out the singer’s makeover.
It’s hard to know what to be most astonished about, isn’t it? Is it the fact that Susan Boyle understands the concept of currency? Is it that she owns a pair of trousers? That she knows how to use make-up instead of just smearing her dinner across her face with her hands whenever she wants to look pretty for a boy? It’s… it’s almost like Susan Boyle is a normal human being, isn’t it?
The irony of Susan Boyle’s makeover, though, is that – despite all the borderline-hysterical articles that popped up after Britain’s Got Talent saying that she literally reordered the measure of beauty – it’s only now that she can be judged on her artistic merit. Susan Boyle doesn’t look like Ma Larkin after a werewolf bite any more. She looks like a normal fat middle-aged lady in a leather jacket. Can she still win Britain’s Got Talent this way?
Maybe it’s time to put some money on that creepy Amy Winehouse kid instead.
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Hel says
You’re a sad bastard. If this is the only sort of ‘journalism’ you’re capable of then the recession is the least of your worries. Burn your self at the stake. Clearly, you’re used to doing most things yourself.
Tom J says
Did someone say something about burning Susan Boyle? Where do I register my interest?
Pearl says
People in this country are committing suicide due to the economic crisis, and yet we have thousands stressing over the color of some singer’s hair. No wonder we love you, hecklerspray. Without you, we’d simply spiral to some dark place in the Universe.
Joke Police says
this is funny, i lol’d
Sarah says
My favorite thing about Susan Boyle is the fact that she made all those judgmental shallow pricks look like asshats. I wish she was my grandmother, mine sucks.
Wendy says
The article was funny and right on target really. The audience, the judges and the youtube public expected Susan Boyle to be a joke act then were supremely surprised because she could actually sing and sing beautifully. After that the media treated her as if she was a chimp who wrote Shakespere sonnets, amazed that a talent could come out of “that”.
I’m glad she’s smartening herself up. Let’s see Susan for the talented artist she is instead of some freak with a voice that shouldn’t come out of her.
I love her voice and can’t wait for her to record a CD. I also hope she records a holiday song CD.
Julian Mentat says
She got a standing ovation for Singing While Ugly.
Sunny says
“Susan Boyle doesn
mddunnington says
And I would like to know what the hell is wrong with getting alittle gray out of you hair and your eye brows plucked. Not a dam thing..And guess what? She deserves it. Its not like she has died her hair blonde and put on tons of black make up around her eyes. Who cares??? That is her business and her life and her Dream.
georjean says
HI SUSAN:LOOKING GOOD THERE !!!!HOPE YOUR DOING BETTER NOW!THE NEW LOOK LOOKS GREAT!!!KEEP INTOUCH GIRL!!! SENDING THE HUGGS,LOVES YA AND ETC YOUR WAY!!BEST OF LUCK YOU WAY ALSO……GT HILL