Part slut, part plastic, all famewhore, Kim Kardashian is known for plenty of things, but honesty is not one of them. Golden showers, a penchant for boning athletes, being Kanye West’s life sized dress up doll, sure. But being a truthful real person? Yeah, not so much.
Which is why it shouldn’t be all that shocking that Kim has gone out of her way to Photoshop even her Instagram pictures now in her quest to prove how hot she is post pushing a fetus out. And yet somehow, I think I respect Kardashian even less than before, which I did not think was humanly possible.
Kim Kardashian took a lot of flack for becoming kind of Shamu-like while pregnant with the future Messiah of all of the things, baby North. It took Kim a few months to even be seen after giving birth simply because she didn’t want anyone to see her “fat.” It was a really nice reprieve, getting a little break from seeing Kardashian’s mug ALLLLLL over everything. This was extra true because her baby daddy, Kanye West, made sure his stupid cocky face more than made up for Kim’s absence. But, it was only a temporary solution to the problem known as the Kardashians, and eventually Kim was back where she belonged.
Since Kim has returned, she has been super in our faces about getting her third rate porn star body back. Lots of paparazzi shots going to and from the gym, and slowly by surely Kim has been wearing less and less clothing in her pictures. Then the video for the fucking terrible song “Bound” (otherwise known as “West Was Tripping On Lisa Frank Acid”) came out, and Kim got all nekkid on camera.
Of course it didn’t take long for people to start squinting their eyes and going “Damn, I just saw your ass wobbling around in some stupid ass outfit Kanye picked out of you that looks like something a blind child with no fingers made, and I know your waist didn’t seem that tiny.”
Ah yes, Kim was Photoshopped. After anal sex and making fun of Khloe for being their bastard sister, Photoshop is Kim’s third favorite thing in life. It’s really the only loyal friend Kim has. Now, Kardashian didn’t admit that she was computerized like a mother fucker, but she didn’t need to. The third rate green screen background was more realistic looking than Kim.
Now, Kim has taken her alteration game to a new level. She recently posted a picture of herself at the gym with some fellow bubble ass ho, Black Chyna, on Instagram. It was a very blatant “LOOK AT ME!” shot, that reminded us all where all of Kim’s talents lie (hint, it’s eating her g string).
Now, when I saw this shit the first thing I thought was “God, those spandex pants must be screaming in pain.” The second thing was “God, the floor and door frame both look kind of wonky.” For a hot minute I thought it was just me and I was just drunk, but it was like 9 am so that wasn’t it.
Thankfully, I am not the only person to notice the funhouse feel in the background, and the internet detectives came out in full force to crack the case. A bunch of Photoshop experts and people with two working eyes all agree that this shit is has been tampered with!
So, the door has a little boomerang curve to it because Kim made her titties bigger. Now, I thought she was breastfeeding, so those jugs should be chock full of nature’s gold, but who knows. The floor is funky because Kim sucked her waist in.
Don’t worry those of you out there who prefer chocolate, Blac Chyna doesn’t appear to have fucked with her shit at all, so you can relish in the glory that all her curves are legit. Of course, I am sure Chyna didn’t realize Kim was going to go to all the fucking effort of taking her iPhone picture, messing with it on a computer, putting it back on her phone, to then upload to Instagram, because she probably underestimated Kim’s insanity.
This is a whole never level of fakeness. You know when you see Kim in any sort of magazine spread that she has totally had a once over done by the blur and pinch tools. So has basically everyone else, it’s expected. But who the fuck has that many issues that they can’t just post a damn bathroom picture on Instagram without a little Photoshop.
That’s what all those ridiculous tints are for! Everyone looks better in Valencia paired with a little fuzzy out of focus on the edges. This shit is just way too much effort and kind of totally defeats the whole “Look, I am a photographer with my phone, too!” feel that Instagram has.
Maybe this all was Kanye’s idea. Photoshopped selfies are totally glass ceiling breaking shit. Kimye is starting a new trend, ya’ll. Bow down to Yeezus.