Maybe you’re not American, in which case you care less about ‘gridiron’ than you do about what kind of tea the sister of Coldplay’s bassist’s girlfriend drinks.

Or perhaps you are American, but one of those weird 600lb ones, in which case you’re unable to produce a molecule of thought which doesn’t just consist of the words “Cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese” in an unending, hypnotic mindchant.

Well you all need to GET interested in gridiron, because each game is now being broadcast with a free porno. Sign us up for ESPN immediately!
American football, like soldiering, is 90% boredom and 10% adrenaline rush. Unlike soldiering, the promise of an upcoming adrenaline bit is the only thing stopping viewers trying to choke themselves on the TV remote in futile suicide attempts during the boredom bits.

The problem up to now has been how to keep those viewers interested in this slow-moving setpiece sport during those long, tedious periods of soul-draining nothingness. Traditionally, the TV stations have been forced to  run lots of ‘amusing’ advertisements to try and stall their viewers from eating their own feet in attempts to relieve the monotony.

Well, no longer. A man who we want to be our new best friend, working at football headquarters, has thought of an even better way to maintain viewers’ attention through prolonged breaks: hardcore porn.

During the final quarter of yesterday’s Super Bowl game, some lucky viewers in Arizona were treated to a 30-second clip from a skinflick. Sadly, we did not witness this brave new world of sportscasting, so let us go to the readers of the Arizona Daily Star to describe the incident:

“Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two.”

Oh come on, callers. That’s the best you got? Nobody outside of Arizona saw this thing and, to be honest, we’re all pretty desperate to know exactly what the ‘graphic act’ was. Bumming? A titwank? Axillism? Pfft, forget it, we’ll just use our imagination.

Comcast, the cable company which broadcast this great leap for mankind, tried to pretend that this was something other than an inspired vision of the future:

“It is still unclear how many viewers saw the clip, from a porn movie being shown on Shorteez, an adult cable channel offered by Comcast on a pay-per-view basis. Only Comcast subscribers who received a standard definition signal could see the clip, while those who watched the game on high-definition televisions were not affected.”

Say what? Shame on you, Comcast. This is the first ever union between televised sports and pornography (let it be known as “spornts”) and you deny it to the HI-Def viewers?

[story by Gibbo]

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