You may have noticed this week, that our esteemed editor, Stuart Heritage, has been missing in action. Where has he been?
Some sources have been speculating that our Stu has been getting gender realignment surgery and will return to the fold as ‘Katerina’. Other sources have gone with the thinking that Stuart has been smuggling humans across a boarder in Asia in a lucrative deal.
However, all of these are completely untrue as we exclusively reveal where Stuart has been and what a massive failure he is.
What we haven’t been telling you, dear reader (for fear of worrying you senseless), is that Stuart Heritage is a raging alcoholic. He’s like Lynne Perry singing ‘I Will Survive’ on The Word.
Mr Heritage has been throwing up half drunk bottles of wine into a mop bucket beside his bed and secreting miniatures around his undercarriage for some months now, so we thought it best to send him away to a rehabilitation centre and get him fixed up.
Progress was good as Stuart discovered the joys of non-alcoholic drinks like tea and instant gravy, but alas, articles being sent in during this period were airy and nice and not becoming of Mr Heritage at all.
With that, you’ll be thrilled to learn that Stuart escaped the rehab centre a few days early and, as our undercover journalist who wishes to remain unnamed, he hit the sauce with the kind of gusto that you’d expect from a troubled writer for a mediocre site such as this.
Thanks to the frankly sickening levels of alcohol in his system, we are confident that, on his return, Stuart Heritage will be decapitating celebrities in no time at all. Until then, watch this secretly recorded video which sees Stuart under the influence yesterday morning.
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Cookie Monster says
That’s a pretty solid Fred Astaire impersonation, I believe during the period when MGM removed his frontal lobe and replaced it with mercury. Play it at double-time, add some tap-shoe clickity sounds, et voila! Where, I ask, do Mr. Heritage’s talents end?