Ah, Wembley Arena. That great big, soulless, cavernous hole in the suburbs of London. Nowhere?s better at sucking all joy out of an event. And this week, it got to consume all atmosphere from a Very Special Strictly Come Dancing.
Yes, this week Strictly decamped to an overhyped aircraft hanger in aid of Children in Need. They?d sold tickets for the kids, or something. Despite everyone's forced enthusiasm, it was pretty much the same as always. Except that our remaining celebs found themselves faced with a dancefloor six times bigger than normal, so the dance routines involved more running about than usual.
What it did mean though, was that Artem was back! Apparently the power of Wembley is so strong that it can heal a fractured spine in record time! He and Holly did a fairly decent dance whilst Brendan stood at the side pretending to be supportive but probably secretly plotting to inflict another injury on our poor Russian friend. Who didn't look anywhere near as whacked out on drugs as he had. Which was disappointing.
Also clearly not on any kind of drugs was Robbie Savage. Who appeared to be having a manic episode. All the judges tried to be polite and say stuff about the pressure of opening the show being a bit much for old Goldilocks, but we all know that the producers had misplaced his medication and then shoved him up on a podium. We weren't even sure what dance he was meant to be doing, we just know he looked ridiculous doing it.
Unlike Alex Jones and Chelsee Healey, who carried on being kind of good and generally a bit disappointing. Unless you like ballroom dancing, of course. Chelsee did a very enthusiastic dance to the Spice Girls and everyone thought it was annoyingly good. The judges loved Alex?s american smooth and gave her 9s, which caused the poor girl to have some kind of joy explosion over in the judging area. Not that kind of joy explosion. We think. She did look quite weak at the knees.
Losing control in a different way was Jason Donovan, who wore a horrible 80s suit and did what looked like being a really good jive until he completely cocked it up and forgot what he was doing. Apparently he was meant to be doing a ?kick section?, but he just stood there waggling his legs around a little bit and looking confused. All the judges said it was a terrible shame. We found it quite funny.
Also forgetting things was Anita Dobson, who Bruno claimed had ?forgotten the fire below?. Which may or may not have been a dig at her for being ginger. Or a reference to an unpleasant bout of thrush. we're not quite sure. Bruno pretended that it was about her feet, which weren't quite doing what they were supposed to be doing.
Everyone's favourite Italian judge wasn?t done yet though. After making an entire nation think about a 62-year old soap star?s ladybits, he then moved on to sex pesting Harry McFly, who performed a samba with his shirt half open. Always one for the filth, Harry included a mad lift in his routine which involved flipping his partner over his head so she landed in the splits with her face right at cock level. It was a novel way to ask for a blow job.
But that wasn?t even the most ridiculous part of the show. In fact, it wasn?t even close. Because Russell Grant managed to claim that accolade by being fired out of a cannon to S Club 7?s ?Reach?. Nobody has any idea what dance he performed afterwards, or even if he danced at all. We just know that he was fired out of a cannon. To S Club 7. At Wembley Arena. A cannon. It wasn?t enough to save him from being booted out on Sunday night?s results show, but still. It was S Club 7. And a cannon.