The last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week! How utterly miserable for you all.

But don’t be miserable, because Strictly Come Dancing still has an hour and a half of screentime to fill up on Saturday, and there are only four dancers left. You know what that means? Twelve dances each and training montages that last until everyone wants to kill themselves. Hooray!

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – In the week leading up to Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Tom Chambers got the flu and lost his voice, something that seemed to transform him into Marco Pierre White for no reason we could properly ascertain. But since Jodie Kidd was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing in her week of illness, Tom trained extra hard to make sure that he didn’t repeat her fate. And so, for his Waltz to Moon River, Tom Chambers knuckled down, rehearsed his socks off and even wore a special long jacket just to make himself look even more dashing than usual. Did it work?

No, because – although we didn’t really notice it – the Strictly Come Dancing judges quickly leapt on the fact that Tom’s arse stuck out like a baboon with haemorrhoids farting at the moon. We’re paraphrasing. And Tom Chambers’ second Strictly Come Dancing routine didn’t fare any better, because he had to follow Austin Healey’s roaring, over the top, overcompensatingly macho Paso Doble. And he followed it with a Samba to Mr Melody – literally the campest dance anyone has ever attempted to literally the campest song ever recorded. True, it did look like a professional dance – it’s just that the professional dance in question was the Regional East Anglia Latin Disco Quarter Finals 1976. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 70

Next week – more!