Here we are, the last of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week. Exciting, huh?

Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon‘s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley‘s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle‘s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.

But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…

John Sergeant – He might look like a big cuddly clump of mashed potato, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing John Sergeant had to perform a Paso Doble to the Rodrigo Guitar Concerto, so he had to drop the niceness and become a furious hardass for the evening. He fell a little sort of that target and ended up looking more either a) a little boy who’d just been told he couldn’t have any more pudding or b) a horse being attacked by some flies. The dance itself was a little odd – it had all the fiery drama you’d expect from a 64-year-old man who’s spent most of his life talking to politicians about the minutia of trade policies – but he did manage the impossible at the end, when he picked up his partner by her ankles and wrists and swung her around off the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges had to say something nice about, right? Well, um… “After all that marching Sergeant, you should be demoted to a private”. Let’s take that as a no. Strictly Come Dancing score – 21

Rachel Stevens - An apology. Last week we suggested that Rachel Stevens wasn’t very clever, but we take that all back. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, despite all her sulky boohoos in training, Rachel seemed to suddenly learn that for a girl to get a good score at a ballroom dance, all she needs to do is sigh a lot and look a bit vulnerable. Because, in her Viennese Waltz to Everybody Hurts, that’s exactly what she did. Rachel tucked her head into her partner’s chest and gazed her bloody legs off and, despite the routine itself being a bit perfunctory and flat, she managed to get a pretty good response from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told her that she was “wistful, sweet and charming.” As a result, Rachel Stevens got one of the highest scores of the night, but we don’t like to think it was for her dancing – we like to think it was because of all the awkward shots of Rachel’s gormless hairy-faced fiance not knowing what to make of all the unfettered romance going on right in front of his nose. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Jodie Kidd – After last week’s surprising comeback, Jodie Kidd tried to take charge of the momentum she built up with a dramatic Paso Doble to Song 2 on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. And for it, Jodie had to channel up as much anger as she was able to – almost as much anger as you’d have if you just realised that your cocaine-dealing sideline had been exposed by the Sunday newspapers. But in the end that was too much anger, and Jodie Kidd ended up alternating between angry thrashing, ferocious stomping and a weird bit of rudimentary semaphore that seemed to go on for about an hour and a half. It was almost the sort of performance you’d expect from a nutty old hasbeen on cocaine trying to get her career back on track, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, saying “You went so much for attack, the precision went.” The lesson is clear – Jodie Kidd is only good at slow dances. Or she’s an idiot and deserves to be voted out of Strictly Come Dancing at the earliest opportunity. One or the other, isn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that you’ll want to cry. Literally cry.