Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week. But don’t be sad – we’ll be back again. And again. And again. Like a recurring nightmare in many ways.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

Rachel Stevens – After getting the highest Strictly Come Dancing score of the series last week, a brand new Rachel Stevens was unveiled – one who doesn’t cry all the sodding time and hardly wears any clothes because she knows that tits have a greater say than ability. However, on Saturday Rachel Stevens performed a Foxtrot to Close To You, which made it very hard for Rachel to wear the smallest scrap of spandex imaginable and wriggle around like a stripper with internal parasites. So Rachel had to fall back on Plan B, which involved actual dancing.

Ignoring the weird part of her training where all her female friends visited her in training dressed in unitards and tutus and seemed to communicate exclusively with one another in dolphinsong, Rachel’s routine was actually very good. At least we’re told it was – the Strictly Come Dancing judges basically creamed themselves silly over it, saying “I’m afraid… close to perfect, strictly, something special!” – but we found that during the performance we ended up sort of drifting off and examining our socks in a  hitherto unknown level of detail. Still, it looks like Rachel Stevens has become the one to beat. Which is funny, because Jo O’Meara was always the one from S Club 7 that we wanted to beat. Strictly Come Dancing score – 40

Austin Healey – Now that Rachel Stevens is starting to inch ahead of Austin Healey in the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Austin’s decided to pull out all the stops to win the public over. And while that’s something that John Sergeant did with natural grace and charm, Austin’s decided to do it with overwhelming gayness. Not only did Austin dance the Cha Cha Cha – the gayest dance of all, remember – on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, but he decided to dance it to It’s Raining Men.

Could Austin get any gayer? Why yes he could – his outfit was a modified version of the infamous Mark Foster rapey teabag from a few weeks back. However, it doesn’t matter how gay the peripheries of the dance was – Austin Healey managed to blow it by acting like a stereotypical heterosexual man in the performance itself. Admittedly it was the sort of heterosexual man who’s a bit in love with himself and tends to pin girls to walls against their will in nightclubs at 2am, but it still counts. The Strictly Come Dancing judges chose to overlook this gruesome unpleasantness, though, merely calling it “the cheekiest Cha Cha I have seen, Suggestive gyration, full of!”. Oh, and Austin Healey actually dislocated his finger during the dance, then popped it back in in front of the cameras. Because he’s a bloke, yeah. He might be dressed like one of Wayne Rooney’s whore’s thighs, but he’s definitely not a bender. Understand? Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week. More of this nonsense, really.